An Awakened Life

Emotional projection, or finger pointing as I like to call it playfully is a destructive and harmful form of emotional abuse also known as Gaslighting.

During my childhood I was often on the receiving end of statements such as "you make me feel like shit". Being young and still making sense of the world meant I had no clue that I was "meant to" be responsible for how others felt.

This continued to come up for me for many years and I will admit that I too was sucked into believing that others were the cause of my uncomfortable feelings so I blamed them for how I felt.

Looking back on these experiences and my behavior, I came to learn that all behavior is learned behavior. We are like sponges when we are young and we mirror the behavior of our parents and role models unknowingly. Even if that behavior is harmful to others.

It is very easy to be sucked into a belief system that limits us from living a truly magnificent life that we absolutely love. Often we pick up these beliefs without even thinking twice about them and we innocently carry them with us believing that they are irrefutable truth.

We end up treating others the same way we have been treated in the past by the people that were meant to be protecting us and keeping us safe while we learn and develop into a healthy, happy human being. People that treat others in hurtful ways have themselves been treated the same way and are hurting within.

When we cross paths with people that believe that others are responsible for how they feel, and we don't buy into that bullshit anymore, conflict more often than not ensues. This can lead to the person fanning the flames of the conflict, spouting their disapproval of you not taking responsibility for their emotions, hurtling further assaults towards others in order to guilt trip people into blaming you for making them angry and upset.

The Narcissist will rally the troops in hope that others will support their way of thinking that this person is responsible for how they feel. In an effort to drag you down so you remain beneath them and they remain on their pedestal.

This type of behavior is known as Gaslighting but that is not why we are here. I want to share some helpful insights of how to identify projection and how that can be harmful if you do not understand where your experience of life is coming from.

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"Mirror, mirror on the wall"

People grow by being self-reflective and making adjustments to their thinking, feeling and behavior patterns. For the few that are open-minded, self-reflection can be psychologically relieving by expressing strong emotions. For others that believe they are perfect, self-reflection will not result in improvement.

After all, they are perfect and do not need to change which results in their defenses going up and they start projecting their inner shit at us. Literally spraying us with their perceptions of themselves believing that we the ones causing their discomfort.

Psychological projection is the process of misinterpreting what is "inside" as coming from "outside" and is the result of what happens when we are stuck in a superstitious outside-in way of thinking.

Projection is a primitive defense mechanism because we distort and ignore reality for us to function and preserve our ego. It is reactive, without forethought, and defensive behavior children use when they take their unwanted traits or their uncomfortable emotions they don't want to deal with, then attribute it to somebody else.

In its malignant forms, the ego defends itself against disowned and highly negative parts of the self by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others, breeding misunderstanding and causing untold interpersonal damage.

Bullies project their own feelings of vulnerability onto their targets, and a person who is hurting will project feelings of anger and resentment onto other people. Projection incorporates blame shifting and can manifest as shame dumping. I am sure many people have been a part of the blame and shame game before in the school yard.

While in projection mode the projector fires their thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings that cannot be accepted as their own, and deals with these by blaming the outside world and attributing them to other people. What the ego refuses to accept is spat in the faces of others.

What are the consequences of emotional shit spreading?

In my experience, people have heightened emotional reactions, such as annoyance, anger, or frustration, from projecting their feelings at others that they are denying in themselves. This is emotional projection and is considered a form of psychological abuse from feeling bad about aspects of themselves they are not willing to accept. The consequence, however, is that it also prevents them from really engaging with other people, being honest about the situation, and expressing themselves authentically.

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Narcissistic people often resort to projection to protect their self-image. They often blame the people around them for things that have gone wrong, rather than taking responsibility themselves. As the narcissist projects more shame and criticism onto another person, that individual’s self-doubt often grows, leading to a self-reinforcing cycle.

Setting clear healthy boundaries can help you respond to projection. Responding with clear statements such as “I disagree” or “I don’t see it that way” can deflect the projection and may prompt the person to reflect or take responsibility. It can also prevent you from internalizing unfair criticism or blame. But if the person continues to project, and seems unable to move forward, it may be necessary to remove yourself from the conversation.

If however you want to really challenge a shit projecting egocentric maniac you can always bring it to their awareness that their perceptions of others is a reflection of themselves. Just be prepared for another tantrum of some sort to follow.

What are the 7 signs of Projection?

7 Signs of Projection

1. Blaming you

People who project their emotions on others are quick to blame others, too. They are afraid that you will notice their imperfections. So, when something happens, they quickly blame you to cover the fact that they are the one to blame after all.

This quick finger-pointing is an easy way to spot projection, as no one blames others as quickly as the guilty party. You could say that projection is a cover-up for guilt.

2. Victim mentality

A person who is projecting emotions has a perpetual victim mentality. They have a fundamental misunderstanding of where their experience of life is coming from and constantly talk about how someone, or something has wronged them in some way.

When blaming fails to work, they will hold on to any fabricated situation that helps strengthen their victimized outlook of reality. Don’t be surprised if they talk about something negative you’ve done a decade before. The worst part is that you probably aren’t even guilty of their accusations.

3. Over-reacting

Have you watched anyone in your family overreact to a situation, and it totally caught you off guard? Well, I have, and it’s quite disturbing.

Overreactions are usually projections of a dark emotion hidden within a manipulative person’s consciousness. When confronted, the projector will speak loudly, make exaggerated expressions, and ask why you are attacking them.

Notice that you’re usually speaking in a normal tone while they are screaming. This is because they are projecting their deep and guilty emotions onto you, attempting to make you look like the bad guy for confronting them.

4. Nonsensical behavior

Those who push their emotions onto you live in a fantasy world I like to call La La Land. No amount of reasoning will make them see the truth, or rather, make them admit to what’s true. They either cannot see what they are doing, or they are aware and will never accept it as their truth.

People who are prone to project will exhibit behavior that doesn’t make sense. No matter how ridiculous their words are, they are going to stick to their story until the end.

5. Gaslighting behavior

If you don’t get away from someone who is projecting emotions onto you, then you will start believing what they say.

Gaslighting is basically an attempt to convince you of something that is not true, including misconceptions about your basic character. And yes, over time, you may believe their bullshit stories.

Your mental health could even be affected by this process, so it’s important to retain your understanding of yourself no matter what’s being said. And know that this process is happening due to projection.

6. Repetitive accusations

When someone repeats accusations about you or someone you love, this doesn’t make it true. Those who project their emotions onto you will often use this manipulation as a weapon. They will repeat negative things in hopes that this makes it more believable and makes you more gullible in the end.

Always keep in mind that the truth doesn’t need to be repeated over and over.

7. Your mental health is worse already

Unfortunately, your mental health may already be affected when someone’s been projecting emotions onto you. If you’ve spent years of your life believing lies and being emotionally attacked, your self-worth has suffered.

This means you may be dealing with both anxiety and depression. If you’ve already noticed a severe decline in your mental health, consider whom you’re spending time with. It’s possible that someone is projecting negativity onto you.

When we understand that it is our very own thinking that creates our feelings towards, or thoughts of others then we begin to shift into a higher level of understanding about how life actually works.

We can take full accountability, responsibility and ownership of our own shit rather than thinking that its ok to fire it at those around us. Whether that be at home, at work or even in traffic.

Not projecting your inner baggage at others protects them from being emotional abused while teaching us to accept our own short-comings and self-reflecting.

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Happiness used to be a distant memory I had of my childhood when I was in my late teens. When I grew older into my twenties and early thirties it seemed to allude me even more so.

I would ruthlessly chase after it through work, money, friendships, hobbies, travel, cars, drugs, alcohol and relationships.

I used to believe much like most other human beings do that happiness was only attainable through doing. Doing more and more of the things we believe that make us happy.

I was lost in an additive model of life. Add more doing and feel more of what I was lacking.

Innocently we are indoctrinated into this misunderstanding that to be happy we must complete a to-do list or a to-have list or a to-go list that is never ending.

We get glimpses of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow where we are a happy for short periods of time but, we mistakenly tolerate a certain level of despair and call it happiness, when it's actually just despair wrapped in hope.

The happiest people on earth don't need the perfect reality to be happy.

There are no expectations that reality will provide everything they want in order to feel happy on a daily basis either. The pursuit for happiness is a western concept that leaves us disappointed and depressed.

Have you ever tried to chase after a cat or even a butterfly (without hurting them) only to have them slip away from you, no matter how hard you try?

Happiness works the same way, the more we search for it outside ourselves and the more we chase after it the more disappointed and exhausted we get. Not to mention the toll this takes on all other areas of our health.

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Yet if we stay still the cat will come to us and purr and that butterfly may land on us.

When we learn to be still and silent within, happiness naturally comes through us with ease and flow. Of course to maintain this can be a struggle if we are constantly trying to control our thinking with more thinking.

This is why positive thinking to me is a bullshit concept that we buy into, and it leaves us anxious instead of happy as we press the accelerator of the mind to the floor controlling our thoughts.

Along this journey I have been on for the past 38 years it has only been in the past 5 years that happiness has not been a constant emotional state that I have lacked.

After being told by someone whom I cared for that "I don't make them happy" a lightbulb went off in my head and I had a monumental insight that completely destroyed everything I thought I knew about this pursuit for happiness.

I asked myself this.

If I can't make someone happy and happiness is an inside job, then what does that make every other human emotion we experience?

OHHHHHHHH an inside job🤦‍♂️🤔🤣

Simple in theory I guess but how in the heck do we achieve real lasting happiness?

Well for me it was simple, almost too simple for me to acknowledge and accept to be honest.

It began with following these simple rules:

Stop comparing myself to others and where I am currently in my life.

Stop looking outside myself for validation.

Stop reacting to reality and accept that I do not need to be in control of everything.

Stop blaming everything and everyone for how I felt.

Stop expecting that happiness is what comes to us and not through us.

When I stopped beating myself up and having all these expectations of myself, other people, and reality I began to experience more gratitude for what I had and where I was even if it was not perfect.

Yet again this is simple in theory and at the time I was muddling my way through it until yet another insight hit me.

Simply BE.

Before I dive too much more into Being I must share that my entire understanding of where my experience of life was coming from had shifted a number of months before this insight came.

Happiness to me now:

Is a single thought away.

Requires no doing-ness, having-ness or going-ness.

Moment to moment gratitude for the IS-NESS of life.

Is present 99% of my day (yes I still get tricked by my mind sometimes).

Flows through me and is a state of being.

We all have an innate intelligence within us that is ever present and it is only through our own misunderstandings that we get lost in a superstitious outside in way of thinking, that has us chasing after our emotions out there in reality.

Reality is always kinder then our thinking.

Happiness is closer then we could ever imagine when we stop looking for it outside of ourselves, and we understand that all emotions and all of our experiences are inside-out.

Being vs Doing

"Gratitude is the elixir of happiness." - Terry Butler

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Pleasing others has always felt icky, which has taken quite some time for myself to learn and understand why.

People-pleasing is learned behavior that we use to cope and manage the emotions that come and go in our dealings with other people. It sure seems like keeping everyone happy would be an effective way to make totally sure we are never disliked or abandoned. It also seems like a good way to get the love and appreciation we want from others.

But it isn’t.

The biggest problem with people-pleasing is that it leaves you feeling unfulfilled and unable to express your own desires and real nature.

Others may not appreciate your efforts anyway, or they may come to expect you will do a lot and carry a load. Too much pleasing others is a slippery slope that can lead to exploitative and toxic relationships.

We are not responsible for other people’s emotions.

Every person is responsible for their own thinking, and they are the only ones responsible for their emotions.

Just as we are the only one responsible for our actions. We cannot expect to change how somebody else feels or change how or what they think. The only person who can do that is themselves.

People choose how to act and feel based on their thinking and their personal reality.  

But we are not ever responsible for how someone else feels.

Same goes the other way. You, and you alone, are responsible for your emotions. No one is going to make you happy. You choose to be happy. It is a choice, not one made by other people, but one made by yourself.

It is not up to you to ensure someone else is happy, just like no one can make you happy except yourself. Happiness is 100% an inside job.

When we are not willing to please people (because they have hidden expectations of us to agree with them) often this leads them to behave defensively.

Defensiveness is an attempt to cope by denying our part in a problem and deflecting the responsibility to someone else. It is usually a response to feeling criticized, challenged or blamed and avoiding negative feelings about ourselves. Defensiveness is destructive to all relationships, but it is possible to learn how to stop defensive responses and address the underlying insecurities.

Defensiveness is a negative behaviour in which we deny or deflect a complaint to protect ourselves from our perceptions of being insufficient or wrong. We might feel defensive when we perceive that we are being criticized or challenged in any way, and we might act defensively to avoid the painful emotions that are stirred up. It is a very human and raw reaction when we think we are being attacked and we react with defensiveness.

When we feel responsible for other people’s feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right and we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we are always trying to keep everyone happy, then we cannot make choices to live freely.

Many people are stuck in this stage of development where they think they can control others by getting emotional. This tactic often works with people who have no boundaries, and it reinforces the controlling person’s immaturity. When we take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and emotions we are setting clear boundaries. When we take on the responsibility for others’ thoughts, feelings, and emotions we are crossing over their boundaries with our own.

Taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings is actually the most insensitive thing we can do because we are crossing into another person's emotional territory. People must take responsibility for their own feelings. If they are mature, they will process their own their thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions. If they are not owning their shit, they will blame us for their emotional state (this is projection, a topic for another day). But dealing with their emotional state is their responsibility.

Have you ever questioned yourself after a discussion with someone?

Maybe they make you second guess your memory of something that happened causing you or others to question if you’re in the wrong. They turn the story around to make it seem like you are the one at fault, deflecting attention and blame away from themselves in an attempt to make you feel guilty. This type of emotional manipulation is called gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.

It is done to gain power over you and avoid responsibility for the abuse that is being inflicted. Gaslighting is incredibly harmful because it makes you question your own sanity, can lead to anxiety, depression and can even trigger nervous breakdowns. 

If we start apologizing unnecessarily to other people even if we did nothing wrong. After any disagreement or confrontation you actually start believing that you might be at fault.

If we are experiencing any of these behaviors, don’t hesitate to take action. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and can be very devastating for anyone who experiences this type of manipulation.

How do we avoid being emotionally abused by other people?

We set healthy boundries.

Healthy boundaries are necessary components for self-care. Without boundaries, we can feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. Whether it’s in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries can lead to resentment, hurt, anger, and burnout.

Healthy boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, to not take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not. 

Emotional abuse is not OK no matter the situation.

It is always and will forever be a HELL NO for me.

Serving others is the opposite of pleasing them and this takes courage to do so, as most people often react in a negative manner rather then get curious.

One key part to being of service to others is to say what no one else is willing to say. Speak the kind truth and give them what they need rather than what they think they want. Which in this context will not be pleasing them at all.

“There’s no greater purpose than service to others.” — Nick Nolte

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Have you ever tried swimming or paddling a kayak upstream in a river before?

It is extremely exhausting if you are not exactly in the best physical shape to do so.

We human beings try and do this exact same thing within our minds. We paddle upstream against the natural flow of life within ourselves, and normally within a short period of time we become exhausted.

Yesterday during my normal working day I was on my to a project site for a walk over with the site engineer and I wasn't even thinking about the task ahead to prepare. My mind was clear and then the insight hit me.

Creative vs Reactive

See insights don't come through us when our minds are cluttered with inner chatter, they only happen when the mind and body are still. We can be doing anything or even nothing to experience life shifting insights.

We are either living from a state of mind that allows for creation or we are living in a state of mind that is reactive.

The creative state of mind has us living in the natural flow of life. I don't mean the natural flow of life outside of us, I am referring to the natural flow within ourselves. The ever present essence of who we are where all of creation comes to life.

In this state of mind we experience ease and flow with life and we create the life we are excited to live.

The reactive state of mind is quite the opposite. It has us pushing against the flow of life within which often feels to us like paddling up shit creek without a paddle in filthy water that is turbulent and dangerous.

We can only paddle for a short period of time before we want to give up and just drown. Nothing creative comes easy when we live in this state of mind and being.

Even our bodies begin to react to this state of mind by releasing the stress hormone cortisol into our blood streams. Our bodies then begin to change, leading us to sickness and putting us at a greater risk of disease and an early death.

Our minds when they are overflowing with contaminated thinking are never going to be working in their optimal state. Much like how if you were to run a petrol car on diesel. The journey from A to B will most likely not be smooth sailing and let's be honest the car will most likely break down and you won't arrive at your destination.

When the human mind is not over flowing with contaminated thinking we find ourselves more often with less on our minds. This is our high performance state. In this state we are more able to enjoy the ease and natural flow of life within.

Sounds like a simple "concept" right? I thought so too when I first heard of this flow state. Like many other people I couldn't work out for the life of me how to achieve this state of being. Let alone keep myself in it for extended periods of time.

It was always about management of thoughts and emotions. Which to me was all tied into how my reality was looking and where I was in my life at that time. Honestly I was never where I wanted to be in my life when I was living in a reactive state.

Life always seemed to be against me. I was always the victim of my circumstances, my past, and even my future. Looking back to what I had been through made me feel like a complete failure and depression was ruling my life. Looking to the future made me feel so anxious I wouldn't even be able to leave the house or enjoy anything I used to. My now was a literal nightmare.

Skip forward 6 years from when I was at rock bottom. I was beginning to live in the flow state with ease and grace. Life has never been the same since this state of mind become my new normal. There has still been some days where I have tripped up by a trick of the mind, but having greater self-awareness has allowed me to not get swept away by the turbulent river of contaminated thinking.

It has now been 12 years since I was frantically trying to paddle up shit creek without a paddle. 5 years since I found myself in a perpetual state of flow and creation. Which still is not perfect as the mind likes to play tricks with us to test our ability to remain centered and balanced.

Experiencing uncomfortable emotions is never a bad thing. What a blessing it is to be able to feel our moment to moment thinking. How delicious is the smorgasbord of feelings that we are capable of sensing within. Feeling the release and flow of energy through our bodies as the autonomic nervous system releases a flurry of chemicals and hormones into our bloodstreams.

Since awakening to a undisputable truth, my life has forever been shifted into a higher gear for me and all the most painful feelings I regularly experienced are distant memories.

Being more creative has meant that no longer do I find myself fighting with myself and beating myself up about my past or fearing my future. These things are simply part of my memory and created by my overthinking and imagination. In the moment though they always felt so real when the power of thought was applied to them.

It was like the gas pedal of my mind was always pushed flat to the floor. And the roar of my minds engine made my body feel like a race car about to blow its engine.

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To live in any state of mind is a choice we make consciously. We experience thousands of thoughts every day both conscious and sub-conscious, and we can very easily get caught out by either of these and buy into the emotions which follow. When we do, we often end up back in that raging river with no paddle.

When we catch ourselves beginning to struggle with our emotions we can either choose to gear up for a long fight or we can choose to simply recognize what is happening in the moment. We are feeling our thinking and nothing else. When we simply stop for a breath, our bodies and minds can and will return to their natural state of flow and ease.

We often put far too much emphasis on our awareness and when we are aware we don't question it. Until we learn the right question to ask in order to reveal the answer. The question I have come to learn that helps me challenge my awareness of anything and everything is this.

"When it comes into my awareness, what is the lesson to be learnt?"

The answer will always depend on our level of misunderstandings and understandings, but for me it's always been an opportunity for understanding to shine through. Leading me to have an opportunity to be curious and creative rather than reactive and furious.

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For centuries many teachers in spiritual, religious and self-help circles have been trying to point us towards an understanding, a fundamental truth of where our experience of life is coming from.

For centuries most human beings have suffered from a trick of the mind that has us believing that our experience of life is coming from something or someone out there, in reality.

But when we live this way we suffer.

Innocently for many of us we are blinded by a belief system that we are powerless, hopeless and even sometimes useless. Why? because we cannot get our realities to look and feel as we expect them to be for us in this moment, the last moment and the next moment. Which often leads us to feeling anxious, depressed, stressed and completely unworthy of a life that we are excited about and love.

So what if we slowed down for a moment, this moment. Really read what is being shared here and try for ourselves to see beyond agreement and disagreement of the words on display and simply listen to the inner wisdom that guides us all.

It is a common human trait that never serves us that holds us back from fully listening to anything and anyone. As we try and attach our own meaning to things, we internalize messages and add our own agreement and disagreement to them which then floods the mind with more thinking, to the point where we are no longer hearing a message.

While reading this do nothing but see the words and hear the message with no agreement or disagreement and no meaning of your own. Don't get sucked into your own stories about what is being shared, simply listen deeply and maybe if you're lucky an insight will appear and you may see what is being pointed at here.

"You can lead human beings towards truth but you cannot expect them to accept it". - Terry Butler

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What is it then that has been pointed at all this time that we human beings either cannot see it through our own misunderstandings or don't want to accept?

We think we are feeling the ride of life when we are actually feeling our moment to moment thinking. No exceptions. 100% of the time. The human mind is a projector and not a camera so it is impossible for anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace to make us feel any of emotions we experience.

So what are we feeling if no-thing and no-one and no-where or even no-time is making us feel what we are feeling in any given moment that we are feeling it?

Let me challenge your thinking a little more and ask a few really dumb questions.

Who does our thinking?

Who does our feeling?

Who does our behaviour?

Who does our actions?

WE DO!

Every single human being that walks this planet is living in a thought generated perceptual reality.

Meaning that everything we experience in life is generated through the power of Thought.

In order for us big brained homo sapiens to experience everything in this world we need to have a thought. Whether the thoughts are conscious or sub-conscious, thought is the artists brush of human experience.

Human beings are powerful creators of their own realities.

Yet we don't understand this universal truth nor do we even trust that it's the truth when we hear it because we often enjoy being the victims of circumstances.

If happiness is an inside job then wouldn't this mean that every other human emotion be it comfortable or extremely painful be an inside job also?

The answer is yes.

In fact a HELL YES!

And if you don't want to accept this because your misunderstandings are you're you and your sickness is you're you then I invite you to test drive this for yourself.

We would never buy a car without test driving it especially if it were worth a lot of money and our lives are priceless so with this invitation I would like you to test drive this simple understanding for yourself.

Become aware of your thinking and the feelings and emotions that follow.

And with these feelings and emotions I invite you to simply recognize them as a reflection of your thinking in the moment.

We don't have to act on or believe in every thought we have so when we simply recognize thought for what it is then we can recognize feelings and emotions for what they are. The by-product of Thought taking form in the moment.

There is nothing else we need to do with our thoughts or emotions in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Much like the weather, I am sure the planet is not coming to an end every time a storm strikes, and neither is our peace and happiness.

We just innocently get blinded by our fundamental misunderstandings about where we think our experience of life is coming from. It's out there we proclaim.

When you look inwards and accept that you are the creator of life from the inside-out you may laugh yourself silly.

And fall back in love with yourself and your life.