lost in the memory

savannah’s the type of person who really thinks about what she says. she’s not a doctor yet, not even close, but working at the hospital has taught her that the wrong words can ruin someone’s entire day. she thinks before she speaks, she runs it through her head. but sometimes, she’s careless and as she watches august’s expression drops, she knows she’s said the wrong thing. “ it’s okay, ” she reassures, reaching for august’s hand. like so many other things, they shared this same guilt. “ you have to be okay before you can help anyone else. there’s no shame in that. ” they might be wise words, but it’s a lesson that she hasn’t learned. she’s always been good at helping other people, less so with herself.  “ it’ll get sorted out, ” she says hopefully, convincing herself that it might be true. her eyes drop from august’s deep browns, trained somewhere in front of her. “ i -— have feelings for someone that i probably shouldn’t. and i don’t know what to do but i know that i can’t give that up. it’s selfish and it’s stupid and i hate myself for it a little bit, but i just can’t. ”

as tobacco scents the air, merritt shifts his position in the hammock, unwrapping the chocolate cake he’s seen his sister make many times. the visual sends him back into his feelings, heart clenching a bit in his chest. the night before… she’d tried so hard to reach him and he and dante both… let her hang out to dry. and half of him is mad she didn’t try harder, but the other half knows that their recent history weighs heavier than the 18 years in which they were closer than ever. lashes flutter as he sinks the tines of his fork into the dark cake, mind swirling around things he could say and things he shouldn’t say. usually, in most cases, august makes merritt feel better. but lately? it feels like they fight more than anything else. like the next words that leave his mouth could spin them right back into an argument about something that isn’t actually the main problem. “chocolate cake it is,” he chirps back, savoring the bite, eyes closing. when they reopen, he follows august’s line of sight to the orange covered book. “ah, third or fourth? you know i rarely read new shit. haven’t had something catch my eye that’s worth breaking new ground with recently,” a sigh. “I’m sorry I was reckless last night. I just…” don’t care if I go back. “he started it.”

august smiled gently at the answer she had been expecting. she has vivid memories of merritt at different points of their friendship holding the same paperbacks again and again. in some ways, august could understand that, after all she loved to rewatch her favorite movies and she read the phantom tollbooth every fall. in others, she was the complete opposite. growing up, she used to grab armfuls of library books and check them out so she could give each of them a try at home. the brunette read quickly and abandoned a lot of novels halfway through, but she was a firm believer in giving every book a fighting chance. much like with everything else, august felt an unhealthy need to read every book, watch every movie, visit every place, leave no stone unturned. merritt was not like that, but above all she was glad some parts of her friends were still the same, that she didn’t have to relearn everything about him. she alternated drags of her cigarette with bites of the chocolate cake, ready to pose a question about the novel before merritt sighed. august tensed, but she didn’t look away from him. another thing that hadn’t changed, she could always tell when the conversation would switch from lighthearted to... this. “you don’t have to apologize to me,” for that. august completed in her head, but she made sure the distinction was not clear in her eyes. “it’s just... i don’t even know how it started. and i don’t care to know unless you want to tell me about it.” august swallowed. “are you okay? that’s all i care about right now.”

owen snorted lightly, trying to hide his laughter as he grabbed the bottle of beer. “are you, lowkey, saying that our friendship is catastrophic. i can’t believe you. just when i have you back, you admit your real feelings about this whole thing.” he teased lightly. she had a point though, lake wisteria had become quite the interesting little town since everyone had decided to come back to town. but he didn’t think it had anything to do with them. “oh, i was hoping you’d distract him somehow, i don’t know him that well to know what makes him slow down.” he leaned back after taking a sip of his drinks. “but i don’t think it’s us. we haven’t directly been involved in any of the drama, you know?”

at this point, theo was biting down hard on the inside of his lip to avoid letting his own emotions spill over. he knew that him crying wouldn’t make things any better right now. no, he needed to hold himself together. for august. to make up for all the times she probably had to hold herself together when he had his own breakdowns throughout the years of their friendship. he felt his heart breaking, for all of the pain august was feeling, for not letting her in sooner to his own pain, for acting like things were okay when they weren’t. he keeps quiet, letting her get out everything she needs to without interruption. he’s learned that it’s better to let people talk things out before inserting his own opinion and he doesn’t want to make things worse by cutting her off or saying the wrong thing. so he sits there, hand rubbing august’s forearm as she talks, eyes stuck on her as her head drops into her hands and as the sobs appear to ebb away. once she’s finished, he takes a deep, shaky breath. it was a lot to take in, all at once, and it was a few moments before he finally spoke. “ you are a good friend, august. everything with us … that’s on me. i should’ve been honest with you. i shouldn’t have pushed you away. and with dante and merritt – they love you, okay? i know things are rough at times, but no relationship is perfect, not even with friends. but i know for a fact those guys will always have your back, just like you’ll always have theirs. “ he paused, moving a hand down to take august’s hand in his. “ it doesn’t matter what everyone else wants you to be. your happiness is the most important thing. “

without hesitation, theo was wrapping both of his arms around august, holding her tight as she cried. he knew that for her to break down like this, something had to be seriously wrong – she never cried in front of him. it was one of the things he loved most about her. she was his rock. but now he needed to be hers. “ you didn’t ruin anything, “ he mumbled into her hair, his hand tracing circles on her back as he held her. he stayed quiet, looking up at the sky as august spoke, trying to fight back tears of his own. he hated seeing her like this, hearing her talk like this. when she finished, he pulled back slightly to look down at her, but his grip around her shoulders didn’t lessen. “ you aren’t any of those things, august. you’re an amazing person. don’t give up. please. i love you, okay? i got you. “

greeting august feels far more difficult than he wants itto. half of him isn’t even sure he’s rightfully upset with her. in what worldwas it her job to come take care of him when he acted like that’s the lastthing he needed? in what world was it her job period? but still, deep in hischest, he feels frustrated and alone, something you can’t shake off in just afew hours. with lennon gone for the evening, mer had a few hours of time alonebefore august’s arrival. perhaps he should lean into it a little more. “fouryears? that seems like a hefty price to pay. maybe sharing it with her twineradicates all of the bad luck completely? i’m practically her,” a soft laugh,shaking his head. when the bag lands gently in his lap, he roots through it abit, chuckling. “you could’ve brought me a burger and fries, you know,” merrittteases softly, the candy more than the right thing to bring him. staying withsomeone is sort of what he wants to avoid. a place of permanence, one where hebelongs… that’s what he’s in search of, the wood providing that in so many waysfor him. naomi, too. looking down to his book and then up to august, he offersher a small smile. “you can stay for a while. i’m sure nay won’t mind,” hescoots over, patting the hammock beside him as he sets the bag onto the ground.maybe they can just move on, right? maybe they can just move on and shove theproblems away. that would work out well. definitely.

eradicating all of the bad luck completely, absolution. above all, that was what august wanted. not only from merritt, but dante, her family, the universe itself. her little rules of karmic balance were nothing but bargaining with the universe for forgiveness. it usually never ended well. but she took the little taste of absolution merritt was offering her and she sat next to him on the hammock, allowing herself to be relieved for just a moment. she still had time to make things right, to go back to that pure happiness the two had shared the day he met her by the lake. she just had to keep working, keep following her rules. placing the cake on his lap, august pulled out two forks wrapped in a cloth napkin and handed him one before finally lighting the cigarette that had been dangling from her lips. her lips curved up in a smile to match his. “next time, place a mcdonald’s order,” she teased lightly, trying not to let his words get to her. you could’ve, you could’ve, you could’ve. instead she took a drag of her cigarette and pointed at the book with her chin. “first time reading, or re-reading?” she asked. surely books were a safe topic, right? 

“ you’re the best, “ theo mused softly with a smile. he hadn’t been too worried when august asked to reschedule their fourth of july tradition. based on the night that everyone had at the bonfire, he needed a breather too. he opened up his phone, pulling up the video of the fireworks right away, but something about the way august leaned into him made him freeze with his thumb over the play button. he set the phone down in his lap and glanced down at august with furrowed brows. he gently put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a bit closer before he spoke. “ hey, are you okay? “ the concern was evident in his voice, and he didn’t try to hide it. he knew august well enough to know when something was up.

august destin • tattoos to date 

still i rise, a quote by maya angelou. under her left boob. 

gladiolus, the birth flower for august, symbolizes strength and integrity. on the side of her left thigh. 

hibiscus, haiti’s national flower, symbolizes women’s beauty. starts on the back of her right thigh, curls in. 

koi fish, representing balance, perseverance in adversity, and good fortune. on the right side of her ribcage. 

à volonté, at will. tattooed in brush strokes on the back of her neck.

an illustration from the phantom tollbooth, her favorite book. on the back of her left shoulder. 

a snake. on her left ankle.

a five of hearts, representing her four brothers and herself. on her right knee.

right now, savannah feels caught between two word. the little one that her and ambrose have created,solace that she’s rarely one, and then there’s the other one, where she’s barely spoken to her brothers. she kicks herself mentally for bringing them up, noting the crestfallen tinge in august’s expression right away. “ everything is such a mess. i haven’t … spoken to either of them, really. other than a few texts from mer.  i just want to know they’re okay. that’s what i should have said instead of losing it on them that night. where did you end up going? i assume you probably saw one of them. ” the words leave her lips in a jumble and she feels a weight lift off her shoulders as it does. sometimes, she reminds herself, it’s okay to not keep it all bottled in. her cheeks colour with the question almost immediately. “ i have to tell you something, but you have to promise to just keep it between us for now, okay? ”

it had been a bizarre week for the younger hollis brother. but through it all, theo was grateful to have august as a friend. the events of the bonfire still rattled through his mind every now and then, especially as he sat on the roof with his eyes trained up at the stars above this dramatic small town. he was so lost in his thoughts, about miles and delilah and his mom, that he didn’t even notice august come out onto the roof until she was sitting down next to him. he returned the smile, reaching over to squeeze his friend’s hand gently. “ yeah, of course, “ he mused softly, leaning into august’s shoulder slightly. he pulled his phone out of his pocket and his smiled widened slightly. “ i’ve already got the video of the fireworks bookmarked and ready to go. “

CJ: i think last night's drama will tide us over for a few weeks without another incident. i hope so, at least.

CJ: me too. still kind of feels like a fever dream tbh.

CJ: but a good one

AUGUST: hope and lake wisteria don't mix well, usually. i hope you are right though.

there’s less of merritt now. night prior taking more out of of him than he wants to readily admit to anyone in his life. how - after four years of distance and a lot of pain - had lennon been the one to come find him in the end? hours later, but it was more than what he was afforded by his own family. more than what his so-called friends had offered. by the time the next day rolled around, the blonde had chosen to stay out for a couple more days, camp by himself and see if it helps him clear his head. perhaps it could even dissipate some of his exacerbated guilt around always getting other people in trouble. namely dante. bertha’s engine was loud enough to hear from a miles away, so when he hears it rest, merritt’s eyes flick up, watching august for a moment before returning his attention to the book in his hands. he’s sitting easily in his hammock, feet dangling off the side. being suspended in its parachute material feels better than any bed or couch had in years. lifted from the very ground that feels like it reminds him of just how out of it he’s truly been all of his life. looking up from the novel ( the power by naomi alderman ), mer gives the girl’s words a soft smile. “at least seven, but…” a shrug of a shoulder, cover of his book shutting. “pretty sure that using it as some sort of peace offering? negates a few of them.” august has always been the weirdest type of superstitious, but it’s comforting in this moment. to see parts of her haven’t changed. “what kind of cake is that?” 

august tallied the points as she approached merritt, trying to figure out where they stood with each other after their tense morning phone call. on the positive side, he looked up and smiled at her, the book was closed, there was a small joke at her expense... things looked good. and yet, she felt uneasy. he did not  get up to meet her with a hug, his smile was no grin, and she absolutely no clue on whether or not she would be welcomed to stay once she dropped off her peace offerings. “let’s say four, then. i can take four years of bad luck for sav’s chocolate cake,” she joked. august shifted the cake so she could hold it with one hand as she lifted the bag with the other one, bridging the distance between them so she could place it on his lap. “i don’t know how long you plan on staying out here, but i brought you some essentials. you know, twizzlers and water mostly,” she shrugged. “i mean you could come stay with me, but i know my parents are a lot so... i don’t blame you.” i don’t blame you for the fight, i don’t blame you for yelling at me last night, i don’t blame you for not picking up, i don’t blame you for hating me... the list carried on in her head, but it was easier not to spiral now that she had spent some time untangling her thoughts and pouring them into her journal. instead she just asked him the question that haunted her. “do you feel like having company or do you want me to leave you and naomi alone?”

AUGUST: hey, hope today has been less hectic for you than last night. though that shouldn't be too hard.

AUGUST: anyway, just wanted to say thanks again.

it took a while, but august managed to tackle everything on her to-do list before the day was too far gone. ( journaling, crying in the shower, getting out a couple more job applications, and buying everything she needed ). bertha’s engine quieted down as she shut down the car. august took a deep breath and pushed the overnight bag further down the seat, not that merritt would peek into her windows but still. just in case. half-composing a text for theo in her mind just in case she needs to take yet another raincheck on the fireworks, august checked for the millionth time that she had everything she needs on the tote bag she flings on her shoulder. ( twizzlers, swedish fish, brownie brittle, a larger than life bottle of water, some more camping essentials, and a sweatshirt she knows merritt will roll his eyes about... she hopes ). lucky strike already dangling from her lips, she grabbed the untouched cake sav had baked the day before for the birthday girls and got out of the car. august knew bertha must have alerted merritt of her presence already and hoped he had enough time to decide whether or not he’d want her to stay. “how many years of bad luck is it to eat someone else’s birthday cake?” she asked as she approached @foreversmerritt​