what they'll say about us

You say pretend as if the female population aren’t aware of how badly the male population pays attention what their girlfriends do. Jas is a smart woman.

“hey, now! i pay great attention to what my girl does. gotta keep ‘em happy, y’know? can’t do that if you don’t know whats up. that she is. smarter than i am.”

“okay if you don’t answer me sometime soon i’m gonna give you a fucking aneurysm by knocking you upside i think the head? an aneurysm is in the brain right?” 

“it can be in the head. but it doesn’t have to be.”

“i vaguely know what it is but that’s not the point! don’t avoid the question by questioning my stupidity what happened man?”

“no, i think we should further discuss your lack of medical terms. it seems a lot more pressing.”

“you- i, i’m gonna have an aneurysm and no i don’t know what that is but it feels right, you scared the shit out of me dude! what’s going on?”

“an aneurysm? how do you not know what an aneurysm is?”

I ‘accidentally’ stole my… ahem, boyfriends, hoodie yesterday and he still doesn’t realize it.

“i feel like that’s just the boyfriend thing to do - let your girl steal your shit and pretend you don’t notice. jas probably has half my wardrobe, i mean, which isn’t a lot, to be fair, but she’s got it.”

“why didn’t you then hm? if i’m so shitty and so god damn awful why didn’t you fucking leave the moment you got clean? i don’t deserve shit, i’ll fulfill my legacy of being just like my mother and that’ll be that. and don’t tell me i don’t want to, from the moment i lost her i’ve tried, i’ve tried to be better but every time i’m sober for more than a few days it all just get’s worse so don’t you dare even try that shit. i understand you needed out i do, and i get you stayed for me for longer than you should have, but yes i’m selfish because when she died you were the only person i wanted, even though i knew you were better off far from me.” she swiped the tears off her face as she put the keys in the ignition, letting out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding as she put her foot on the brake before moving into reverse.

“i thought i could fucking help you, dammit. i thought i could fix shit, and i clearly couldn’t since not much has changed. that’s bullshit, and you know it. you do this to yourself, you could have - and still could be something fucking great. but your skull is too goddamn thick to understand that. it’s not selfish, you could have had me if you stopped only thinking about you for a single second. but you didn’t - and you know what? i am better off, i’m finally starting to feel some form of happy, for the love of god, don’t fuck that up for me. don’t waltz in here acting like you own me, or deserve to know what’s going on in my life and ruin relationships i cherish with every fiber in my being.” he spoke just before the door slammed, throwing his hands up in the air once it did. it all felt like it was never ending. the second he finally starts feeling secure and safe somewhere, something has to come and fuck that security up. he brought his hands up to his face, rubbing at his skin harshly before he turned on his heels, walking back towards his car.

“i’m not twisting shit! i’m just trying to tell you what fucking happened but excuse me for trying to fucking telling someone about what the fuck i went through! maybe you shoulda given up on me a long time ago then huh? i’m sorry you got broken in the end but maybe i’m just not someone who can be in a relationship without screwing the other person and i’m sorry i didn’t see that and break it off with you earlier to save you from it all but i can’t change who i am! i do grasp it! i just wish you would have been there! i know you needed out, and i’m happy you got out but excuse me for still hurting!” she choked out the last part, opening the car door and pausing before she got in. “if i had any clue you were here and i wasn’t fucking desperate i wouldn’t have come, trust me.” she gave him one last look before she got in the car and slammed the door, the tears now streaming down her face.

“you are, and you always do. maybe i fucking should have! It would have saved me a hell of a lot of pain in the end, huh? i really fucking hope that’s not true. you deserve to have something nice for once in your life. just stop fucking pushing people so far away that you lose them, and maybe you will. you can change, you just don’t want to. i was there, calli. i was there for longer than i needed to be, how you can’t understand or see that, is beyond me.” his voice was still pretty loud as he was talking, though the anger had mostly subsided, still lingering in some of his words. avery let out a frustrated sigh as she spoke up again, shaking his head. 

calliope kept her face stern as she felt her heart break into millions of pieces all over again, her eyes watering as she pushed them away furiously. “i’m trying to show that shit now but i guess it’s too late huh? i had to watch the same thing happen with my mother y’know and i had no where to run to, i couldn’t get out i wanted to be better and help her and help myself but i didn’t know how! so you know what i’m sorry. i’m sorry i fucked up, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. but you know what else? fuck you, because you obviously don’t fucking know me if you think that bullshit is true, i’m sorry i ruined your life so badly but it was never my fucking intention alright? thanks for the fucking gas.” she spat the last part out as a single tear made it’s way down he cheek, putting the cap back on before she moved back towards the drivers side of the car.

absolutely everything in avery’s head was screaming right now, his flight, his fight, every thought that was racing around in his brain was on overdrive, but someway, somehow, he managed to keep his shit together. he was good at that, after all, making things seem better on the outside than they were on the inside. “you’re trying to fuckin’ twist what i’m saying and make it all about you, per usual. i’m sorry that shit went down with your mom, but it was your decision to stay. it was my decision to go. neither one of us are to blame for that. - fuck me? are you kidding me? of course i know that ‘bullshit’ is true, that’s what fucking happened, calli! i put all this shit i didn’t even have into you, and all i got was fucking broken pieces and heartbreak in return. how the fuck could you blame me for leaving? for breaking up with you? i couldn’t stay there anymore, and the fact that you can’t grasp why, is exactly your fucking problem.” the blonde ripped the canister out of the car, not even caring if a bit of gas dripped onto the concrete, “don’t ever come here asking for shit again, and don’t you dare try to fuck more shit up than you already have.”

“you think i wanted to pick the drugs over you?! over the one person i felt like i had left!? hell no! but it was the only thing that fucking helped! nothing else was helping the voices and the fucking mood swings and the overwhelming feeling of fucking nothingness!” she spat out, her voice like venom as she was practically about to explode with the rage and just complete and utter sadness she felt. “i play the victim card because maybe i wasn’t a victim with you but i was for other shit! i was the victim of my father fucking leaving, of having a shit for nothing mother who passed down all of her problems, and disorders and shit fucking coping mechanisms onto me! and i was a fucking victim when my mom decided to let the drugs claim her life and take her away from me so fuck you! you are not the only who has dealt with loss from this shit! so yeah i was shit and i was toxic and i still fucking am! i own that shit, i wear it on my fucking sleeve, and it haunts me every fucking day! and for your fucking information although you don’t fucking deserve to know i have been fucking trying to get better! but i have nothing fucking left either! i have nothing and nobody but a fucking family who felt enough pity to take me in, because child services doesn’t care if you’ve got no family as long as you’re 18! so i’m sorry i fucked up your life so bad, i’m sorry that i was dealing with my own shit too and couldn’t be what you needed, i’m fucking sorry! i’m sorry that i became my fucking mother, i’m sorry i didn’t know how else to cope, i’m sorry my shit life just made yours shittier!”

“you did absolutely nothing to try and say, or show that you didn’t. i tried so fucking hard to be the person that helped you with that shit, why aren’t you understanding that?” the blonde shook his head roughly, letting out an exhausted laugh, “not a single person said you weren’t a victim for other shit, calli. don’t you know i understand? i was with you for all the fucking bullshit, i saw it first fucking hand. but this? what we had? the shit we did? thats on you, and hell, it’s on me too. but you can’t even try to say that you didn’t do it to your damn fucking self. i won’t be made out to look like the bad guy here. i left because i had to. because i couldn’t stand being there, and watching both you and my mom die right in front of my fucking eyes. - the thing is, i found something to live for. i found someone to live for, and that person isn’t, and never will be you. so you need to do the same, cause i cannot, and will not be that person for you anymore. this -” he said, gesturing between the both of them,  “is toxic as fuck and all you keep doing is proving my points. just say you’re sorry, you don’t need anything to come after it. just i’m sorry, and that’s it. but that’s the thing with you, you don’t stop, and you won’t, until lives are ruined and you’re forcing people to pick up the pieces you shattered.”

calliope’s blood only boiled more when he finally spoke up, a switch being set off inside her, the sadness leaving her body and only rage replacing it as her mood completely shifted. “i don’t get to? since when did you fucking control me or what i do? you obviously don’t cause i’m still just as fucked up as when you left so don’t start that shit. well i guess everything wasn’t enough huh? just like everything my dad had wasn’t enough for my mom, so fucking convenient. you were my everything! the reason i didn’t fucking end it every day and give into all the voices and you gave up on me just like everyone else! you’re talking like you were the only one fucking suffering, the drugs were the only thing fucking helping so fuck you!” she practically screamed, her voice going hoarse from how much emotion she was putting out. “maybe i was too fucked up, maybe i didn’t wanna believe maybe just maybe this is all my fucking fault but you are no saint! we started that shit together don’t you fucking forget, i refuse to take all of the blame for how that shit ended. oh i’m sorry, did i hit a nerve? i’m happy you’ll protect her but wouldn’t even send me a text to check in. i have every right! i was there for you with so much shit, i watched you through your worst moments and tried my damndest to make sure you were as okay as you could be, maybe helping you cope with drugs wasn’t my best move but i was fucking trying! oh it’s perfectly fucking clear.”

avery’s face was bright red at this point, his teeth sinking deep into his cheek to try and control his anger as much as he possibly could. “of course you don’t fucking get to! like i said before, i don’t owe you anything. i don’t owe you an explanation, or a text telling you where the fuck i am or what the fuck i’m doing, you gave up the right to know anything about me when you fucking picked the drugs over someone who cared about you.” he spat, his facial features twisting as his anger rose, “and here you go again, playing the fuckin’ victim card. who the fuck said i was the only one suffering, calli. who? cause i sure as fuck did not. what i said was i wasn’t trying to stick around and watch another person i cared about die because they couldn’t stop turning to drugs instead of their families. i never claimed to be a saint, and i never will. but i know i’m not a fucking liar. i never put all the blame on you, but it sure as fucking hell was not my fault that you couldn’t get your head out of your selfish ass to realize what the fuck was happening. - of course i’ll protect her, because you know what? she gives a shit. she actually cares about me, she won’t decide to go flirt with a guy just to get a gram, and she won’t decide that breaking off plans just to get a buzz under a bridge is okay. you fucking enabled me, calli, what the fuck do you mean? every time i had a problem, it wasn’t how we could logically fix it, it was where could we go to get shit to mask it for long enough to forget? don’t you dare stand here and say that you tried, because you didn’t. i tried so fucking hard to get you clean. i ruined shit with the last person i fucking had because i would have to fuckin’ search around the city trying to find you every single night to make sure you weren’t dead in a fucking ally like my brother was. you gave up, so i did too. i didn’t have anything left to fucking give you, i didn’t have anything left to give anyone. i still fucking don’t. i don’t even have enough for my damn self, so please, for the love of fucking god. cut the victim act, and try to own up to your fuck ups because i’m fucking tired of it. find another guy to torture.”

calliope’s arms raised in the air in exasperation, slapping back down against her sides as he continued to not respond to her. her heart felt like it could pound out of her chest, all of her emotions coming back and hitting her at once as she watched him walk around the shop, she thought she had gotten over him already, after the first few weeks of being a hot mess she shoved it all down but here it was, coming right back up to the surface. she let out a frustrated sigh and popped the cap off, gesturing at it with as much sass as she could muster. “you haven’t answered any of my questions y’know, i think i deserve a little something here, other than just i don’t know an instagram picture with a girl i’ve never seen and somehow finding you working in a car shop? i mean i figured leaving the state without a word was a breakup but i was still your girlfriend at one point jack.”

the blonde couldn’t help but roll his eyes at gestures, brushing past them easily as he waited for her to do as he instructed. once she did, he unscrewed the cap, placing it on the roof of her car as he began to fill the tank with whatever small amount was left in the canister. avery was trying as hard as he possibly could to continue to ignore her, knowing that if he played more into her games, it would only drive her further up a wall. but when jasmine was brought into it, something in him snapped, “nah - fuck that. no. you don’t get to just walk the fuck up in here and act like i owe you shit. i gave you everything i fucking had left in me before i left. i tried to fucking help you, i tried to get you clean, but you didn’t want a single part of any of it. how fucking long did you want me to sit there and watch you die for? you were trying to put me through that shit again, and i didn’t want it. for the record, i did tell you we were done. maybe you were too fucked up to realize who the fuck i was, or what the fuck i was saying. but i did.” his words came out like daggers, each sentence hitting harder than the one before, “and i swear to fucking god. if you ever bring my girlfriend up again, i will not hesitate to lay into you harder than i already am. you have no right to know what the fuck i’m up to, or where the fuck i am. we’re done, and we will always be done. get that through your thick ass skull.”

calliope didn’t know if she wanted to cry or scream in that moment, the thought of crying leaving her the moment he didn’t even acknowledge who she was, who was he to up and leave her like that with no explanation then when he sees her ignores all they went through? “fuck the gas jack, what the actual hell? this is where you disappeared too? this was what was so important you fucking left with no explanation and wouldn’t answer my calls?” she kept her words sharp like daggers, not letting the real sadness she was feeling over take her voice, not wanting him to see the real affect he had on her.

avery could feel his anxiety rising as she spoke, his hands already beginning to shake gently. he turned around on his heels, ignoring her words yet again as he made his way to the garage door. covering the pin pad with one hand, he punched the code in to get it to open up. thankfully, the gas cannisters were right by the door, and he didn’t have much trouble grabbing one to bring it back over, “pop the gas cap,” he mumbled again, gesturing to the cover.

calliope was cursing herself as she pulled up to the car shop in the distance, of course this would happen one of the first days she was in town with a car that wasn’t even technically hers. she knew she should have done a double check before she left but of course she was too worried about getting to the store she wasn’t even thinking. she was praying that they had just a little bit of gas, even if it was just enough to get her to a station she would be thankful. she put the car in park as she stopped, jumping out and praying she had made it before they closed she walked in, starting to talk to the figure she saw before she was even fully in. “hey i know it’s late but is there any chance you guys have any spare ga- jack?!” her heart nearly exploded out of her chest as she caught sight of the blonde, seeing the face she thought she would never see again making her blood almost boil.

avery squinted his eyes slightly, trying to make out who was exiting the car before they approached him. he set his guitar onto the free space of his trunk, making sure it was stable before he hopped down, pocketing his juul. the blonde began to take a step, but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the all too familiar voice. of course she would come to the shop, clearly the fucking universe was out to get him. with a sharp sigh, he ignored her exclamation of his birth name, “- i can give you a fourth of a gallon, enough to get you to the nearest gas station.” he muttered dryly, not even bothering to acknowledge who she was or the history they shared.

Caleb grinned, letting out a sigh of relief. He was sure his car would survive till the morning, but his anxiety was getting the best of him. “Thanks man, I appreciate it.” He sighed, turning to look at his car. “I… have no idea. It was fine this morning but I was just leaving the music shop and well… I’m sure you heard it.” He shrugged, looking back at Avery. “Just wanted to make sure it won’t blow up between now and tomorrow and I can bring it back in the morning to get it fixed.”

avery let out a dry chuckle at the audiable sigh of relief coming from the other, taking a few steps towards the car as he did. “it’s the least i can do with you lettin’ me hijack the store too many times a week,” the blonde shrugged, placing his hand on the hood to feel for how hot the engine was, “that’s weird as fuck - yeah, it didn’t sound good, but it also didn’t sound the worst. - mind poppin’ the hood?” avery asked, glancing back to caleb, “i get it, yeah. i’m sure it’s nothing huge. let me see what’s up and i can probably get it done tomorrow for you, or tonight, if it’s nothing insane.”

Caleb hadn’t had a single problem with his car since getting it last year. Looking back, he should have known that one day soon he would get into it and have a problem. All he wanted to do was go home and get huddled under a bunch of blankets and wallow for no reason, but the weird metal crunching noise coming from under his hood seemed to prevent that. Knowing that Avery worked at the mechanics he prayed they were still open, driving over as quickly as he could in hopes he wasn’t shit out of luck. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw his friend sitting in his truck, pulling up and shutting off the engine. He got out, pocketing his keys along with his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he sheepishly made his way up to him. “Hey man. Sorry to bother you, you still open?”

as the car drew closer, avery could pretty easily hear the clunking happening under the hood. he set the guitar off to the side, making sure it wouldn’t fall off the trunk before he hopped down, “not necessarily, but for you? sure we are,” he joked, taking a few steps towards the blonde, before questioning “what’s goin’ on?” avery’s hand came up slightly, gesturing towards the vehicle. 

“I thought turning eighteen would like, mean something. Turns out it’s a lot like seventeen, but I have more existential dread.”

“ahh, the big one - eight, eh? welcome to the club. we haven’t got much to offer except that - the whole existential dread thing. it’s not that fun.”