Youre Beautiful

She was a pit stop, a road block, a life lesson. One I wasn’t meant to build a home in. She was a town you visit and think about, but not the town you raise your children in. She’s the town that will suffocate you if you don’t leave. The one others look at and go “why do they stay?“ I reluctantly pushed the gas pedal forward, crying when I saw it in the rear view mirror. I desperately tried to circle around and find that town again - but it was blown off the map. That town no longer exists and I’m so thankful that when I searched for it, only remembering the good times I had there - forgetting the rocky foundation, the sinkhole in the middle - it stayed hidden from me. That town taught me lessons, it showed me what I can feel. It also showed me hate, anger, depression, and my worth. That town was a pit stop - not a home.

Dear Heart, I apologize for all those nights I stayed soaking up tears into my pillow case for a boy who couldn’t have cared less. For all the times I put you in positions you should not have been put in, which ended up draining every last bit of you. There were choices I solely put you in charge of that you should have had no say in, I realize now how badly that hurt you. Finally, I’m sorry I broke away pieces of you and handed them to friends and lovers who shattered you until you decided to shut completely off. I never wanted you to build those walls, I never meant it. I should have put you first, I should have listened to your every pulse. I realize now that of all the faces I will ever meet, you’ll be the only one I know will be there unconditionally. So, for the first time in my life, it’s time I put you first.

Dear Heart, I apologize for all those nights I stayed soaking up tears into my pillow case for a boy who couldn’t have cared less. For all the times I put you in positions you should not have been put in, which ended up draining every last bit of you. There were choices I solely put you in charge of that you should have had no say in, I realize now how badly that hurt you. Finally, I’m sorry I broke away pieces of you and handed them to friends and lovers who shattered you until you decided to shut completely off. I never wanted you to build those walls, I never meant it. I should have put you first, I should have listened to your every pulse. I realize now that of all the faces I will ever meet, you’ll be the only one I know will be there unconditionally. So, for the first time in my life, it’s time I put you first.

She was a pit stop, a road block, a life lesson. One I wasn’t meant to build a home in. She was a town you visit and think about, but not the town you raise your children in. She’s the town that will suffocate you if you don’t leave. The one others look at and go “why do they stay?“ I reluctantly pushed the gas pedal forward, crying when I saw it in the rear view mirror. I desperately tried to circle around and find that town again - but it was blown off the map. That town no longer exists and I’m so thankful that when I searched for it, only remembering the good times I had there - forgetting the rocky foundation, the sinkhole in the middle - it stayed hidden from me. That town taught me lessons, it showed me what I can feel. It also showed me hate, anger, depression, and my worth. That town was a pit stop - not a home.

It hurts when you realize, you were that easy to let go.

I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you. In fact, I hardly feel anything at all. Some days are better, the days with friends and family when all there is to do is celebrate life in all it’s splendor. But on other days, those quiet, lonely days, the hole in the chamber of my heart where you once lived, feels bigger, deeper, the chill of the winds of the spring rains blows right through it. I’m not saying that I feel incomplete, because even before you came into me I never felt whole, But that place in my heart that you filled is empty now, and all I feel is hollow and cold.