How Not to Die

Over the basket sheets, amazing timing, all over this rock. I'm helpless, on a floating rock, the highest rated fool. Ghost on a hill, fool in the water, I'm dying to meet you again, come over and meet a ghost. Yogi rituals, triangular arms, broken knees, coming up the hill, like a rover, like a street dog, like earth being unearthed and the walking dead. i'm tired, I'm juicy, I'm helping others, like skid row, like a flying apple, just relax, just relax, open up, openness is love, love is blindsided, the weakening arms, the truth be told, I'm an hour late, I'm short sighted, I'm aiming at stars. but somewhere, the mind and heart is flowing, somewhere a girl does her morning pages, loosen the grip, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. yo are welcome, you're trouble, you're a toothache I can't get away from. Look at the sky, point to the ocean, make something that doesn't exist, like the 8'o clock rude, the 8 'o clock route. i want to tell you about my day, in time you'll see, don't worry about your bad jokes, I care about your bad jokes, can I throw the keys down at you, can I lose some weight? Can I take your to the laundry service, the craving mind, I'm hungry, like flow, like period blood, like butterfly kisses, like Okcupid, like a tired nun rinsing off the sperm, getting old, getting born again. he looks at pictures of European woman getting shagged, he wonders why he can't keep up. let the snake in, open your heart, let the snake in he sang. it's ok, it's ok, it's ok not to feel ok, it's lost in blood, it's death until we part, we take busses into hell, we live the last breath, we awaken in silver meadows, like bad poetry, like faces gone wrong, she has his ambition, his drive, he is a liar, a face in the dark, he had sex with everyone she claims, he doesn't care, she wants to care, his heart is open. Men like us produce ghosts, but we can point our heads towards love, make the place sane again, and I paid you 20 euro, and you paid 35 euro for a year of 10 Percent Happier, and I'm glad for you, I want whats best for you, to be alive and free again. i want you to wake up from this terrible sleep, but is it so terrible? It has all the colour of a rainbow, and rainbows don't really exist, they are prisms, they are reluctant mumbo jumbo, I'm happy we met, happy this task is done, happy to finally get through to you. Because in God we trust, in art we thrust, it's the making of a sheep in wolfskin. 

It's after Bikram Yoga day, it's after the wolf of Wallstreet, it's after boxing day. The thing I probably need the most is change. I feel a fart coming up, it's released into the air. The subconscious traitor, the woven hand, the child and adult, the picking up the pieces, all of this is a woven hand, a woven sun, a deeper place to rest. Clear your mind they say, but they don't know how to it. Like Bianca, like facebook messages, Sarah Barnes, it's all good, its the end of suffering. Into it now, into the pig shelter, the suns rays, like Fanta and grapefruit, like Durban skies, like taking a bath with your sister. The mind is a steady thing, the sun is a rock that shines so bright, the enemy is the sun, shoulders relaxed, eyes straight, eyes wondering intensely, worried about nothing, like sandals, like floating feathers, like children on the run. Everyone expects you to be there, everyone accepts you to be here, but I know better, I can take the heat, so can she, so can most of us. Thankful for netflox, that passing feeling, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. But I won't just go away, but I'll relax and accept it. Don't make another move, the door is in the door way.

People often come into spirituality later in life. Then they eat oranges. My body and brain is pretty tired, I, sat opposite Lisa on a train back to Antwerp. Merry Christmas,as all of us. I have my chrome cast, I have my Walkman, I have my sun of a gun. I feel old and kinda tatty, a bit bummish, pretty soon I’ll have some cash. My Mom drives me crazy, maybe I feel super-entitled to get exactly what I want from her, but then maybe not. Maybe this train is going to be crushed by a flying asteroid. I made it to the moon and back, my brother came online with his new girlfriend Boa, Julie must be such a wreck, tears of joy years of joy. And I mastered ‘Silent Night’, just about. So tired I could sleep with a cash. Tired enough to notice my breath, tired enough to choke on it. Around here anything goes, around here, we park where ever a parking spot it, around here we never take anything personally ever. Around here we hide the white stains on our pants, we go to places where the weather hurts, think of places to get regulated. I’m so sad about George Haas though, 6 weeks and no Emil back, I’m supposed to let it go, supposed to not waste mental energy over it, I can a lot of the time, but o guess this will just always be a pain in my side. I’m frustrated, irritated, annoyed for not getting what I want, but then again: why should everything in life go the way I want it to? It can’t, so I accept the pain, the burden and all that snot. The battery operator is powering up this iPad as we travel down the tracks in the dark, the light is flat and unflattering, I’m powered up in Paris, lit up, just begging for a snack, some stupid bloody recognition, some big, dumb love, a dream, a sense of hope and a timer counting down the goodness. When I get home I hope I don’t watch porn. We’re all part of AI time, were all on our way back home, we’re all trying to take off in flight. God verdomme! All along the watchtower The baby’s breath, the awakening at 5am in the morning, sleep cycle, forever more. Christmas time at my moms place, with Lisa, enjoying each other’s company. I’m glad we got to do that, glad we could sing Silent night together, glad we could eat a nice meal together, sleep close to each other and ignore the TV.

Marc is mad at me. i have something close to religion in my life, I have mindfulness, the breath, dharma talks of goodwill and kindness, and I'm so grateful for this. I have a new heart, although, maybe let's not get carried away, i do have good intentions though. I'm in a peaceful place right now, just because I took a slight U-turn this evening and cleaned up my kitchen instead of wallowing in self-pity and dust, then i reached out to my mom. I love these messages of kindness I hear, that I constantly expose myself to. For some reason my heart is open right now, I feel kind and soft and open. Maybe it's a christmas miracle, maybe it's the spirit of christ, maybe it's the goodwill of man kind. I have better things to do than be mad at people, even my brother. I have no christmas tree, I have Latisha and a kind heart. I called my mom and she sounded a little bit drunk. She said she was sad. Maybe I judge her for not taking enough action, for remaining a child, all of these opinions/accusations/judgements are probably true, but I take comfort in realising that I need to let go of my expectations of her. But if something happens, and I get sick, I would reach out to her, after all she was there for me when I had my wisdom teeth removed. She is a scared person, inside she is like a small child most of the time, kind of incapable of..LIFE. This is not something to judge her for, and it's not something to pity, it's something to show compassion and love toward.. I'm having a hard time put into words what I want to say. Inside of her is a small, frightened child who is in Freeze mode a lot of the time. She's like a cat watching her little kittens drown in a pool, unable to do something about it. Where does this leave me though? I don't know, I just need to take care of me, be the best I can be. Give something back eventually. The grass is green and the bells are ringing, Latisha is sleeping, I'm all alone on Christmas Eve, perhaps I'll light some candles. I'm not complaining though.

Super tired and making a big deal about everything and it aint really necessary, this moment will pass. I'm just really tired and ready for bed, and that's where I should be. It's warm in here, a little too warm, It's christmas period and it's a tough time. Got into a fight with my brother but it hardly seems worth mentioning, I smoked 4 cigarettes, regulated my emotions by watching porn and then felt a bit guilty about it. Sort of approached 2 girls, felt bad about that coz it's kind of pathetic. Got into a fight with Lisa but I would rather not like to think about it. i just want my bed, this is not a big deal, this is just a bit of an exhausting day, don't identify with it. My leg or knee rather isn't doing too well, its swollen and hurts and I think the best thing for it is some rest. Rest will make it go away. hey Steve, take it easy on yourself, you're doing your best, you're doing fine. Even this is an act of kindness taking the time to write. Compassion is needed constantly. It's no big deal, I'm alive and well. Take care big dude, take care. Oh right, I still have a minute to go, better lake use of the wind. highlight of the day was watching Bob the painters son make an amazing winter lake painting and describe having fun and letting go the most important part of the process.

First of all I feel pretty guilty for not doing the one thing I said I'd do, I'm an amazing procrastinator, the king of procrastination. The only thing now is to do the right thing, feed your stomach and go to bed on time. While I type this Latisha licks at her food, she has such a pretty face. While I type this, while my guitar gently weeps, I think about that con artist involved with the Backstreet Boys, and N Sync, and someday soon this will be an insignificant memory, because all things pass, impermanence is permanent. Saw Zenah yesterday, i'm very attracted to her but I don't see a future. She's a really nice girl but I think there's a big chance that she's quite troubled, and this makes me feel quite sad actually. I imagine her self-image might be a little bit warped, a bit unfriendly. Damn, this can make me sad, so many wounded souls out there. Anyway, I've been offered another 40% discount from 10 Percent and I'm super pleased with that. I'm so happy to be associated with Buddhism and to be a meditator, it's already given me so much. I'm curious about the future of my practice, which is ironic, because this moment is all we have. 'This moment is all we have', it's one of those things you hear but keep forgetting. I think maybe we don't even hear it nor understand it, because if we did we'd all operate a little differently I reckon. Meanwhile the heartbreakers of the world launch their iPads, turn the heat up to 10 and turn down contraception. I'm terrified I got Aids. Wha

All day, all night, like INXS, is it a haiku, is it food for thought, is it like pink but more grey? Is ambition the most important thing that exists? Are you not mobile without it? You have know yourself damn well to be ambitious, anyway: fuck ambition. I’m that sleep tired the radio plays, of I keep repeating what I’m doing, and I don’t like it, it will add up in the end to some regret. That’s why I quit smoking, a quick cig right now would be really nice, but when does it end? It ends right now, it’s ends by me choosing, in this moment, to resist. And anyway, everything comes to an end, even craving. Called my mom today late at night, she was drunk, that’s not my problem, and who am I to judge anyway? She’s regulating the only way she knows how. Stuff can make me so pissed off though, but then I let them go. Latisha and her streetwise habits, just had a chat with Sarah Barnes, she’s single and ready to mingle, and I’m still jacked. 

Bad knee, no meditation, smelly hands, I’m a pumpkin, I’m out of whack, I’m on the forefront of madness, and when we laugh, let it be for real. Donald trump impeachment, walking through like dogs, show up, take 10 percent happier, hit on the psychologist. Sleep with Yinthe, take her for granted, go to India, sit down to meditate, lack of appetite, lack of drug lords, going around and around again. What’s wrong with your knee? Just need lots of rest, I hope someone cares, apparently she all out of sympathy, apparently there’s no one here to make the rounds. I have to do my best to not live with crotches, I have to do my utmost to suppress the need to violate young girls, or wake up heavensent, or throw the television out of the window. But now it’s time to rest, to eject water from out of my left knee, to not use crotches, what the heck is going on? Follow the diet, follow the don’t, sing slightly louder, get out while you still can. Ask Lisa to spend Christmas with Latisha, a very pretty cat. Wake up on time to feel healthy, to rock this boat. Go to bed every single day at the same time, make love to your hand, the best sex in town. And then there’s Zenah, who I’ve kept waiting, I hope you don’t mind my apathy, it will pass, but this Coldplay song will live on forever. Just rest. Take it easy, call back mom, smoke cigarettes, follow the green diet. We shouldn’t be going out, we should be resting, taking things one step at a time, the Paddison diet, deprived of oil, waiting to get caught, like a movie, like a spunk tank. I’ve said all I can say, Putin is president, don’t do evil, the Russian spies are watching you, and it’s all based on lack of trust. Discipline like the United States, in musicians we trust, reminding me of the gun. Donald trump facing impeachment, when will the trial take place, all you need to know and more, we’ve made it to the finish line, what do you think about that? It’s done and doner, it’s hot and hotter. Give me back my chromecast, order things now.

Goodness me I’m incredibly sleepy. My eyes they just want to close. What makes ya so special? Slipped away, called a truce, the awaking of several snowmen, in zootsuits, the tucking turkey!  ,ark lorridge foamingg at mouth, breathe in and electacute the sadness, don’t be just think, don’t love like you’re wasted, breathe like it’s contagious, on the phone all night with Sofie, I didn’t get it, I feel so bad for some of my behaviour, I just didn’t get it or something. So sleepy right now, the smell of a tree trunk, all those brown tones, meanwhile he’s knee deep in dirt researching the latest Huawei band 4 fitness tracker and getting more unsure with each passing minute. Don’t even joke about such things, of course they can be done. Don’t try, no one gets hurt, only the sad ones get to leave, only the neighbours can watch, only the attractive ones get turned on. Like red beetroot dripping down your legs, it’s ‘party time’.

On my way to Zenahs place, the city is alive tonight. I’m wearing clothes I’d rather not be wearing, i peer into my bag and see signs of grossness and personal wealth. I don’t feel proud to be weari the clothes I’m wearing, but these are more important things in life, travelling down the same roads we take when we jump into a U2 music video, where the streets have no shame. And it’s clever and it’s cool and bursting with goodness. We are a small company and we know who we are, what we want. I’ve been limping today, there seems to be some i flirtation happening in left knee, finding it hard to bend. I also feel monstrously tired unfortuntaley, which could be the inflammation in my body. Also did a couple of cooky things so wondering about my cognitive functioning. I’m on my way to town, to zenah, and I’m only going to be 1 hour late...damn dude, damn. And the water keeps running, and we know better than to not take a shot. But you know what? I feel pretty darkn relaxed right now, and thats ok.  

2 days in a row, fuck me I am tireeed. Renee says I can do my washing with her. i feel I kind of let her down. Yesterday at Pallieter I was hot shit. I had my eye on this tall, skinny girl that actually wasn't really nice in a way, well, she 'wasn't a 'good girl' I guess you could say, and she seemed troubled to me, yet still I wanted to try to take her home. She wasn't much interested. That little puppy dog Bets came around, and then she went home, and then I went home, and then nothing turned itself inside out, and in the suburbs of Hoboken the creeps and freaks sleep tonight. The best thing to capture on film is a a persons curiosity. Without curiosity there is no hope. Why don't we take a look around? Why don't we change houses, move to the big apple? i know if I don't do something I'm going to regret it later. So think of your week ahead, get shit done, make reservations to the sleep deliviries. I'm a little worried about my knee, something feels swollen and infected in there. It's lost some of it's mobility. It's called 'Bursitis' apparently, those little fluid sacs in the different parts of the knee have become infected and they're swelling up. So it's time to take extra care of my health, this means: Eating well, getting enough rest, some exercise? Healthy mind too of course. Right now I'm a zombie and a bit concerned that tomrrow will be worse. Met a lady called Zenya recently, she seems really interesting actually. Very open about things sexually. Meanwhile I'm in the hot tub thinking about the last thing I dreamed, the last thing I posted and overhearing the sounds of a crunchy cat crunching her korreltjes. Ask him yourself you idiot. The guitar is made up, learn Handle Me with Care, go to Cool Japan exhibition. Take it easy love nothing.

Connecting to the sun, connecting to the internet, like Anthony Kedis, without the internet. Goodness knows I’m tired today, my brain seems to want to shut down, my brain. I’m out here in the wind and the cold the Schelda seems extra full today. This day, December Friday the 13th, I flushed my remaining tobacco down the toilet and I said ‘No more’. I’m going to kind of miss it, on the surface it doesn’t seem like a big deal to smoke but in the long run it’s no buenos you know? And change is good, it’ll be tough for a week or so but the hardship will pass, it’s progress in the end. Gawd damn I’m tired today, I feel guilty about not going for a swim, so I went for a walk instead. I feel kind of lonely, like I should be having more fun in my life, maybe I feel kind of boring. But this feeling will pass too! And had i swimmer today I wouldn’t even be writing all this coz I’d feel fresh and rejuvenated. I’m kind of excited about quitting smoking now it’s going to have a nice effect on my swimming.

11 minutes is a long time in silence, good thing I have the TV on. You're not alone with the TV on. My voice is all scratchy, and kinda deep, I'm tired and I smoke too much, but besides that I'm not doing too bad, thank-you very much. What can I say, I'm not a big fan of this time of year, but I could do something about that, i could make it real nice. I'm annoyed right now with Tom and William. I want to fuck them up for making me feel bad because they're insensitive to my needs. Haha, that sounds kind of funny, but I choose to let this go, It's not worth making a big deal out of. It's about New Years plans, and it's about wanting to discuss them..Tom and William seem to want to go to Gent, and stay over, where as I'm not feeling this idea, and I want my opinion to count. On the other hand, if they want it and I don't, who am I to get in the way? But then on the other hand, I'm pissed at Tom because he's so..slippery or something. Like when I asked him to go rock climbing, he said he'd invite me, and he didn't, and it's been months now, and I'm taking this personally. I'm mad at him actually. And today I asked if we could call to discuss things and he pretty much refused. i get mad just thinking about it, but another part of me is like 'just let it go', there's other opportunities with other people, and I can't force him to want to hang out with me..its true right? That sounds right to me. But another part of me wants to hurt him back, because 'Fuck you'. But these are the moments I'm ready for, these are the moments when I need to take a breath and realise the impermanence of things, to realise it’s not personal, that he’s not a bad guy, and even if he doesn’t like me, or value me, or respect me, why is that such a big deal? To fixate on it and identify with it so much is futile and pointless. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and all of these things won’t matter very much soon from now.

Do the course on Insight Timer, make dinner, stomach growls, eat fish, stolen fish, hit on 2 woman at supermarket, feel kind of creepy afterwards. Come home, meditate. Think of fish, get mad at mom but don't explode. Get REALLY mad at Marc, don't show it, turns out it was a misunderstanding. Felt undervalued, search for the truth within the breath. Go to 'Ik weet beter wat ik wil', find it sub-par, think of you, smoke cigarettes, try to lighten up. Right wing guy from fraternity on TV, Wiliam and Tom book their ticket for Primevera, i can't go because I don't have the money. This money thing is an illusion, 10 years younger than me and less heathen. Waiting to crack and then crawl back to SA. It's a way to self-medicate, but I'm pretty sure some listening to the breath would have done the job. Pick up Too Good To go, buy some more tobacco. Rate a 7 out of 10 for sleepiness, I should quit smoking. 8 hours in bed, still wondering why I do what I do, keep hitting similar walls, but that's not the whole truth. Go to bed tired, go to bed thirsty, pissed off at mom. Grateful that I don't have to prey to God anymore, filling the database with good memories, still no email from George Haas, kind of annoyed, starting to think it's only about the money. Wanting to find money, not sure how that will go, want to buy a sports watch for christmas, heart speeding up. Somewhere to go.

Remember me for 30 days. I'm kinda pissed now. my mom behaves like a child, it's pathetic, it's embarrassing and I want no part of it. Dealing with her is too hard. Dealing with Marc is too hard. In the end, people just do what they want to do. The letting go. I'm pissed off. I asked my mom to do something for me on Facebook chat and she didn't answer. She said No. I didn't respect that no so I called her up. She ignored all my calls. I called again and again because I knew she would be drunk. I feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know how to deal with their emotions in a mature way.. and then resort to childish, selfish behaviour. I know that I'm hardly one to talk, but i do feel I do a lot for my mental health. Lately I've been doing a lot of growing up, the things that were a problem a couple of months ago aren't a problem to me. I do feel like I've grown, like I'm not that same person trapped in Thinking-Hell the entire time, and I've only scratched the surface baby. There's good news there's bad news there's no news. I'm all over the evening news. But now I got to do something with this new found freedom, something meaningful hopefully, a little bit every day. No pressure.

The place, the time, the flow, the body. We are all on top of the things that can drown us, and now Latisha is finally awake. The Too Good To GO phenomenon, the uploads weekly, best of the week. I'm headache-hungry, I miss my mom and yet I don't, certain doors are closed and that's ok. Latisha is a wreck, the Facebook wars are underway, Sky Australia is right-wing conservative, I barely listen to the news anymore. Outside it's cold, the world is turning with or without you. A ladies voice echo's in the distance, I'm keen to make it to the next function. It's cold but not that cold, I forgot her name, I hope she's well. I texted Jelena and Monika and Elien and I collected phone numbers, but enough about me. Latisha likes the attention but then suddenly turns on me, I'm loving 10 Percent Happier, loving the lessons I'm learning, I'm a proud meditator. And i swam today, and spoke to a pseudo Russian, a pseudo-businessman. Made Bets come twice, and yes, we are all reaching for the stars, all looking for something really meaningful. But the moods pass like days, like seconds, like sand in the hourglass. And it all comes back to love, all comes down to doves, what could I do without music. Music is love and art is life.

I'm early, I'm early, pace yourself, we are in this for the long hall. Be present, follow the sound of the num drum humming. What is a hum drum anyway? Yesterday I met 3 girls called Pauline, and one Croatian girl called Jelena, I think, she was as tall as a bottle of coca-cola. i'm hungry and tired and have probably not used my time correctly, but it was still a pretty good night. There is something happening, my right hand has 2 ripped off blisters, I'm present as a Kadau. Yesterday I tried to make friends kiss each other, I was loud and raucous and jumped up and down and fell into people, it was fun. Kevin was there, Tom was sort of there, Jeroen and Remco were there, William and his girl, who is not actually his girl was there. i breathed in and out at Renee's place today, she is cute, I was going to type that she 'can't meditate to save her life' but now I realise that sounds judgemental, can I meditate really well? That's a stupid question. Into the abyss, the taxman the swimmingpool and it's love. Swimming pool is a 2 word term, it's hot and dull in here, Latisha wants a break and I fear that my bed might be too soft. Elien is gone, I'm still here, the pain is real, the puppy is real, we are all too real. lay back on the chrome flavoured side walk, stare at the metallic clouds, make contact with the ocean of awareness, of consciousness, or whatever you want to call it. The time and space is right now, the words and thoughts are your enemy. Take your time on insight Timer, make space for the disgrace. Make winning great again, over cook or undercook your blocks of pork and go to bed wondering if you did it right, or if you just did the same old shit again. it's fun too flirt with danger, to take the right road home, to get up early and swim. Bets is cute, she wears white, I enjoyed myself. I might have lost my grey jersey, but it seems hard to believe that I went home without it. So happy that I have this new app called Insight Timer, the courses, the connection, the good times. I'm ready to start fresh. Breathing is the air is like new leaves growing from fresh roots, the water is cool and it's time to get involved again. I dreamed of white rats, which is supposed to be a good thing. it's supposed to bring prosperity, relax your shoulders and start living again, I encourage you to join the team. It only takes a minute now, to fall inlove. To get back to our families, to recognise love. i feel sorry and bad for my mom, it can't be easy living in so much denial. She has her problems I think, that she didn't or doesn't know how to deal with, because she doesn't feel strong enough, and maybe she isn't that strong.