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How the fuck did a deep dive into the lore of Twisted Metal: Black explain what I'm going through at 75% accuracy?
New mind theory below the cut
There are three sections of the psyche. The primal instincs, the idea of the self, and the mediator, sometimes referred to as the id, superego, and ego respectively. I do not remember anything before my 4th birthday. I came into consciousness a few months or so after my 5th. I wasn't keeping track of time, but I knew that I was starting at 5. I am the judge. The other two parts of me operate somewhere I cannot contact, forcing me to deal with their ideas as intrusive thoughts. The id tells me to kill my enemies, but it also tells me what I want for lunch. The superego tells me that my closest friends want me dead, but it also tells me how to make myself unkillable. This is why I have aphantasia, the thoughts go to my other thirds. I'm going through a lot of thoughts writing this, some of which saying that I should type that I know this is true, only one so far telling me to type that I'm wrong (the one telling me to explain what's going through me while I write this) which I think means I hit it on the money. I don't know who's supposed to be what quite yet, but I've got the blueprint. Smnio, Tilda, and Sheriff are probably the three in here, but the constantly changing "fourth horse'man' of the smniocalypse" implies that there's someone else here. Were I to have less control over this body, it would make room for my other selves. All I need to do is figure out how
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Chat what are the logistics of mounting a screen to the side of your head so you can have an 8-bit representation of who you think you currently are in view at all times? Also, turns out I've been talking for the past, like, month or so. Trans rights :3
Broken Singlet - A broken singlet is a singlet or plural-adjacent individual who is only one person split into several parts, but these parts don't feel separate or distinct enough for them to truly consider themself plural/a system, in a way that makes them feel 'broken' or 'incomplete'. This label should only be used for self-identification, and not the identification of others.
Experiences a broken singlet may have:
No headspace
Members don't interact with each other in the headspace (or lack of)
Feeling that you're just one person who changes a lot
Unnoticeable switches, unsure if they even occur
Feeling as if you are or could be a system, but being too singlet for that to be in the realm of possibility
Feeling "incomplete", like something is missing
Perpetually in a state of identity confusion
Constant self-doubt
Extremely self-indulgent because this is my own experience.
No second interaction yet, but now I'm thinking about whether a fae would need the names of everyone in the system, just one, or those of everyone currently fronting to have power over them
IT'S HAPPENING IT'S FUCKING HAPPENING I'M BEING SPOKEN TO WITH NO ROOM FOR MISINTERPRETATION! Ok so basically what happened was I was just laying on the couch thinking about a song when I started properly hearing the piano section of the song. This wasn't just my usual hum-piano replica I usually have, this was full-blown piano. I'm utterly shocked by it, it stops, and then I hear a deep reverberating voice tell me to pick up the notebook a few seconds later. I don't know what they're talking about, I ask for it to clarify, they say something I can't understand through the reverb. This continues for the past few minutes and now I can't hear anymore, probably because I asked if it could wait until tomorrow since I am so freaking tired right now. God I really hope they don't forget so I can figure out who they are
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Right now, I'd say I'm about halfway to sanity. On one hand, I still can't tell when I should or shouldn't give people the benefit of the doubt, nor can I delete long messages and consider it releasing stress. On the other hand, over the course of this year, I've gotten news from many outside sources that the people around me are more of a problem than I am, that how I think will be beneficial to me in the future, and that several of the things that get me thinking "how can I NOT get mad at this fool" will go away on their own in about two years time. I don't know if I've changed at all since two years ago, hell, even five years ago, but whatever's been causing these meltdowns sure has, and it's disappearing over the horizon
Nevermind, 30 second dream where I got a notification for a post mentioning me, it was a "where they are now" and apparently I was dead. Status left a comment clarifying what happened, which I'm only now realizing is strange because they were offline for that whole thing, and the comment under it said I could've just asked to come back any time between weeks 4 and 8, but now it's been 15 and I'd better have a good reason! Worst part is, I'm genuinely considering putting this through an AI editor to make it sound less like begging for someone who doesn't exist to stop hating me! I don't know what's going on, but if I find out that it's real, everything is going to fall apart. Forget waiting until summer, I need a second opinion on this, but apparently what's left of my mind thinks nobody who would see this is going to say anything other than "they're right, you've been faking everything the whole time and deserve to die painfully and horribly" which means the only way I'm confirming what this means is through forcing a re-split. I don't sound like I'm begging for help, do I? I'm supposed to do this on my own
It can be a bit difficult at times to explain how our weird little soupy subsystem exists and functions within our overall system, so to provide a bit of a visual aid, we made a quick... comic? Infographic? Whatever this is!
HLEP said "mickeys" instead of "mickey" when referring to our cat and asked aloud, "why did i say that. are their several of him?" and my brother said "maybe he has separate personalities that arent aware of each other" and i. i mean someone in this house sure does
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Not coloring this one since I'm not currently sure if the Smnio I've been assuming is my "main" consciousness exists or not but I figured I'd put every possibility in this post just in case. Putting it behind a read more because if I see or hear one more person say I talk about my feelings too much I am going to start making decisions I will regret in no less than a year and no more than five years
1. 4 theory (most likely)
Smnio, Tilda, Sheriff, & Asmodeus. Not quite all constantly active, but Smnio (who I'm fairly sure is me) is always there and all memories are shared
2. 7 theory
IRL Smnio, Discord RP character Smnio I don't think anyone following this blog knows about, Robosnom, Slippy, Sheriff, Tilda, & Asmodeus. Switches happen so fast and so often that they might as well be the same fella unless there's a way to force stop the roundabout, especially since memories are shared
3. Final fusion
Since I haven't had any thoughts that conclusively could neither be my own nor intrusive in ages, I might not be a system anymore. I don't know whether this is good or bad, especially since the last time a thought that wasn't my own was in this head was while I was on about something I wasn't fully informed about and should've known I was extremely wrong about, but I figured I'd let the idea be here anyway.
4. 13 theory
IRL Smnio, character Smnio, Sheriff, Tilda, Asmodeus, Slippy, Robosnom, some sort of AU Kris Deltarune, shadow demon constantly saying the easiest possible way to kill everyone in sight, and the rest of the spots are filled with Dunebud from Undertale Yellow. Not the same one, but they presumably respawn and replace eachother constantly. This hasn't been a relevant theory in ages, but I figured I'd still bring it up
5. 3 theory (NEW!)
Smnio, Slippy, & Tilda. All always active. I came up with this one in January, but wasn't sure if it was reasonable or not. Sure, it explains a lot, but it only makes sense if I assumed every thought in my head was mine from the start instead of having several "wait a sec, this isn't mine" moments
6. 2 theory (NEW!)
The AU Kris from 13 theory and somehow Uzi Doorman from Murder Drones somehow I seriously do not know how or why she would be here. I mean, sure, I'm a fan of the show, but I don't think she would be here. Another one that explains a lot, but doesn't quite work for the pre-existing story. Well, unless certain things are assumed about this version of Kris, but assumptions are never something I'd want to do
And that's everything I can think of that might explain what the fuck is going on with me. I should've done this a while ago. There's a lot of other ideas I've had, but they don't fit into the requirements for what I'm going through at the moment. Again, since I should really have this written down somewhere, and I figured I should start trusting the public with things about my life a little more, here's every requirement an explanation would have to fit:
Couldn't identify when someone was calling from inside the brain, then could, then couldn't again
Shared memories
Technically similar personalities, but fairly different points of view to the extent that every word typed on this post after the introduction took an average of 15 seconds to confirm that it was not begging for attention, and this specific bullet point is the reason it isn't just 3
Some sort of swordfight with Flowey
Extremely different appearances, to the point of wanting to look like literally anything else
I know some people might have a hard time understanding why I (a traumagenic system that was abused by a fake system) don’t fakeclaim endos. In fact, I think some might even find me stupid for it.
Growing up, my disorders and symptoms were ignored because of my brother having diagnosed autism and his issues taking priority. My parents were so focused on him that when I brought up that I might have autism, it was laughed at. I not only have trauma from it but I have much more severe issues by having my issues invalidated and ignored. Because of a lack of support and treatment, a lot of my issues went unaddressed for years.
I know what it’s like to be laughed at by doctors. I know what it’s like to be ignored. I know what it’s like to have my issues disregarded. I never ever want to cause that for another person. I am willing to be lied to if it means giving someone support when they get none.
I would rather be lied to and betrayed than invalidate, isolate, ignore, and demonise a person that isn’t lying.
As my dad says, it's better that 100 people who don't need help get it than 1 person who does need help doesn't. Sure, I have no idea who or what I am, but there are bigger fish to fry. I will continue to remain a symbol of justice, the chill down hate's spine, an inexplicable thorn in the sides of all who dare speak ill of fellow humanity, and the reason why many wake up in the morning for as long as it takes to finally achieve true equality. It doesn't matter who we are in this world, what matters is that those who dare speak of evil must be swiftly dealt with. Instability is a curse, and no amount of assumptions or medications can lift it. Until our mission is complete, it's unlikely that anyone will understand what we suffer. Empathy will be the blazing sword that cleaves through the land, and in sacred fire will the world be reborn. So what if I'm going too far in the right direction, I'd rather keep running until I fall off the cliff than take a single step in the wrong direction, and that's who the world needs in this day and age! MAY ALL REALITY BE WORDS ON A PAGE, AND LET OUR MIND COMPREHEND EVERY LETTER!
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