ruhe sanfte, sanfte ruh

This is SUCH an important point, thank you for the phrasing.

A lot of the language around abuse creates "Abuser" as a sort of Category of person. If you avoid anyone who falls into this category you will be Safe, and as long as you are a Good Person you will never fall into this category and so do not have to check your behavior.

This is not the case. Abuse is a thing people Do— it is an action, it is something that happens. It is something that WILL happen. You will be shitty to people you love at at least one point in your life.

When I was in high school I punched my boyfriend in the arm a lot— it was something I saw in media and I thought I was a girl at the time and he was a guy and I didn't think I could hurt him. It was a While before he managed to work up the courage to say "Hey stop, that hurts." And I stopped when he asked! But it's still something I'm deeply ashamed of. It started playful and then I did it when I was frustrated with him and like. That's Fucking Bad. It's Really Bad. I was 17 and just out of an abusive situation myself but THAT WAS BAD. If I just told myself that I am a Good Person and social justice aware and therefore couldn't be abusive then I'd put myself in a position where if someone else described doing the same thing I might not be able to get my head out of my ass and go "no you need to fucking stop doing that". You need to be aware of yourself so that you recognize the harm you do to others, even in hindsight, so that you don't get defensive and let that blind you. You need to look at the world with your eyes open. If you militantly avoid guilt and admitting fault you will continue to hurt the people you love, and excuse behavior that you shouldn't from others.

I had a very dear friend i was genuinely heartbroken to have to stop speaking to— they would demand I schedule a whole day of my week to be on call with them, even if I was sick or busy, and got very aggressive if I answered messages from other people or did other things during the Hours long block of time they wanted me on call. They would get mad if I woke up late on Their Day. No matter how many times I tried to explain that they were making me uncomfortable, they insisted that THEY were uncomfortable because I wasn't prioritizing them. Ultimately what made this dynamic unhealthy was that they prioritized their comfort over mine. It didn't matter that I was disabled and sick and couldn't give them what they needed, they were sure they weren't doing anything wrong because they were sad and uncomfortable. There was no compromise from this viewpoint. This person was an abuse victim themselves! They had suffered from serious neglect, and I knew it, and it took me a long time to accept that that didn't excuse the way they were treating me.