Liveless Motions

Lo siento no puedo regalarle un orgasmo a un extraño. Recogi experiencias horribles y me senti como un experimento del laboratorio.

Senti las manos callosas y arrugadas de hombres viejos tocando mi piel suave, recogiendo la juventud de mis huesos en cada recoveco de mi ser. Me senti obligada a corresponder con mi boca a besos y miembros que resultaron deliciosos.

Algunas veces yo tampoco sé buscar las pistas. La vida no ha sido muy amable conmigo últimamente.

Y me digo a mi misma constantemente que no estas para salvarme. Estas para acompañarme y eso es si quieres. No hay condiciones solo una: las ganas de querer querer.

Las circunstancias nos condicionan, muchas veces quién menos te lo esperas es quién te guía hacia la dirección correcta.

No creo en la mala suerte ni en la buena suerte, pero sí en circunstancias.

El que quiere puede y me dejaste de escuchar Micaela. Ella se cansó de escuchar. Te desvaneces por la ventana. Muerta.Muerta. Muerta estás. El olor me llegaba desde hace algunos meses atrás.

Yo no lo quería creer, pero luego todo lo que sospeché se hizo realidad cuando lo conoci. El que quiere, quiere y ya.

Justo ahí me dí cuenta que las mujeres como yo, tienen pocas amigas.No juegan con los sentimientos de amor ajeno. Es difícil SER VIVO cuando se tiene tanto sentimiento inservible.

Quiero sacar todo lo que tengo por dentro, pero lo reprimo. Mi energía esta lenta, no reacciono ni pienso.

Siento que estoy empujando a mi cuerpo. Te lo dije, algunas veces me apago.

Quiero ser sincera, es malísimo. Hay gente que se ríe primero y luego cuenta el chiste. No, solo bromeaba.

Me faltan palabras para decir lo que quiero. Imagino que vuelan como loros dentro de mi mente.

No quiero estar aquí, quiero desaparecer.

Se abrieron las puertas de mi cielo. Me vine o me viniste?Nunca pensé que el sexo y la tristeza dieran un color tan bonito.

I don’t wanna go back to the horrible things I said to you.Everybody wants to hold onto something. Do not worry I won’t linger over you.

I hope, I hope, I hope she is the one for you. Hope she is perfect, beautiful beyond belief.I hope she has it all the ,perks and mysteries I lack. I hope she sees you as perfect, no other would understand.

I would have killed to have it all with you. You participated in all my dreams and the sun was shinning bright. You calmed me in my storms and now I am alone. Thanks to you this is not a problem anymore thanks to the joy you brought to my life. So now you are dead to me, with flowers.

I have been in the end before but the end has never been like this. This is a new end, and  it must ,ean a new beginning for me even if every time I must say ´´me´´ words like ´´we´´ still slip through my lips, which you wanted to be sealed. This isn’t supposed to be happy, or apologetic or damaging to you in any way. I brought this to you, end of the story you do whatever you want with it. It’s hard trying to go back to how things were before because time has run it’s course and the only way out of this is forward. You and I both know this, I am not the woman I was anymore. Everything I have gone through made me the person you so much admire. In this bed that  I write this, I sit with despair wanting to get close to you, reach you somehow, but something tells me no. All I can think of instead is you. Like if you are with me when I'm alone like a ghost that haunts me, but  instead is your memory that does.  I know you must be feeling murky inside with all the things you are struggling with right now. Yet here I am hoping that everything works for the best in your way, trying the best I can do  to not let my angry feelings get the best of me and pour my good intentions out. I want to see you, smother you with kisses, and embrace ourselves in what will be the momentary joy of  seeing each other once again. But you are right, seems like at the end of these trials you finally deigned to be honest. And you leave, leaving the salty water we were crafting this egg into, feeling sweeter and I can’t cry. I am a lonely mermaid in the sea. Every day I go to the place we drifted apart, near the surface, stick my head up from the water and re-live that time I saw you stumbling on your  two feet. I guess you couldn’t breathe under the water for too long after all. You confirmed it ´´I can’t take it anymore´´. Now as Im falling ill I reminisce of all the  tears I  once shed  for fake lovers that proving to be no less than other “learning experiences” that I end up bathing in every day. I miss disappointing you, I am still confused. I thought this is what you wanted. Guess I asked you to come too close too many times. There is an emotion I seek, yet I am unable to describe yet mermaid yet a human are we able to understand the consequences of our acts? He left that night, I saw him stumbling through the rocks,again.