[it's my birthday today]

my heart thumped in my throat as i stared at the short message.

the day's almost over. i don't even celebrate my birthday, not really. ugh... why did i type that...

releasing a low sigh, i put my shaking fingers on my thighs and gripped the worn surface of my pants. maybe she won't notice...? it doesn't matter that the message is pinned at the top of the chat because i made a donation, i always make a donation, but maybe this time she won't notice despite that, she's busy, she's not even reading the chat right now-- oh wait no she's reading it.

she noticed.

"hey _ _ _ _, thank you for the donation as always! let's see... 'it's my birthday today!' oh my gosh!" mikimiki's avatar jumped in place and waved her hands cheerfully. "that's so cool! happy, happy, happy birthday, _ _ _ _! i hope today's been treating you well! oh, and remember to not eat too much cake, okay? it's not good for you!" she giggled.

"cake?" i mumbled back, absorbing every word.

"sometimes it's okay to indulge when it's a special occassion, but too much will just give you a stomachache." she continued. "it's your day, you deserve to do whatever makes you happy and healthy! anyway, thank you so much for being here with us today! i hope you enjoy the stream!"

i continued watching. i had a good time as always, and after it was done... somehow, before i knew it, i ended up making a late evening trip to the convenience store. i guess mikimiki's words gave me the motivation... thinking about it, that's probably why i even sent that message in the first place. she can always make me feel better, about everything.

and besides... this is a good opportunity. i don't really remember the last time i had any cake, honestly. maybe once, when i was very young, but that seems so long ago. more of a reason to get it now... i don't really feel like eating, but sometimes it's okay to indulge, right? right.

i closed the front door of my apartment and leaned back on it with a sigh, before making my way to the small living space and putting my bag on the table. inside it was a small slice of chocolate cake packaged in clear plastic. that's not the right kind of birthday cake, i think... but it was cheap. it was on clearance too... lucky. maybe nothing bad will happen...

i made myself comfortable on the floor before opening the container and breaking the silence with a melodic whisper. just in my own voice. i don't feel like doing anyone else's right now.

"happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

"happy birthday, dear masa..." i trailed off, for a few moments only listening to the ambient sound of the room.

it was so quiet. empty. mikimiki's cheerful well-wishes were long gone. there was only me, singing to myself. the silence echoed, the walls of the room swaying like they were itching to close in on me and swallow me whole. suddenly, i felt so painfully, crushingly alone it took my breath away. what...am i doing? this is pointless...

with that thought, a familiar pit opened up in my chest. my shoulders sagged, with the leaden weight of my existence bearing down on them. on my lungs too.

i pitched my body forward, until i laid the side of my head to rest on the small table, breathing slow and shallow.

right... that's why i don't like thinking about my birthday. or... thinking about my life in general. i get like this, heavy and numb, and i spend all day in my futon staring at the ceiling. sometimes i see i missed a stream, and i feel even worse too. there's no point to that.

when i don't think, i can live normally. i sleep, read, play games, look for work, eat when i remember to... and i watch mikimiki's streams. i donate to her, and when she thanks me i feel something like happiness. that's what matters most. that's how i'd like to pass my days. it's nice.

but this isn't. inhale... exhale... i know what to expect by now. and i don't think i'll manage to get up again today. i didn't have much to do either way, but my heart still churned with added frustration.

with some effort, i brought my stiff limbs up, rearranging them under my head. the cake sat untouched right in front of me. i will eat it later, probably... but seeing it reminded me i needed to finish the song. i felt too tired to even mouth the words soundlessly, so i just thought them in my head and closed my eyes.

everything's so much easier when i'm asleep. it's peaceful. sometimes... i wish i could sleep forever.