Well, it's been a ride.
I tend not to come on the web and vent my problems.
But it's been a helluva last ten years. So let's recap the highlights.
Moved back to my second home state in 2018 due to suicidal ideation and a lack of ability to support myself due to my depression and anxiety.
Dated a narcissist from 2013 to 2021. Brought them back with me to meet my old friends and convalesce with a friend I had consented to convalesce with. (We consented to each other's ugly. We had rules. We followed them.)
Lost the majority of friends (around 9+ and many, I felt were soul siblings, all I'd known since high school,) I had due to the fallout of the breakup with the narcissist.
Unmasked the narcissist in the aftermath. No one believed my experiences due to ten years of gaslighting and being reduced to a sex object. They believed their side that I came up here and abandoned my now ex.
The truth. My ex had cheated on me multiple times in the relationship. They were toxic. Manipulative. Self serving. Turned all of them against me and made me feel like I was stupid for talking. Treated me like I was the only problem. Even though the only questions I've had my entire life is "what did I do wrong now?" Or "why is it not enough?"
We moved up for the sake of my health on a promise of staying one year.
It took six months to find a job. And when I did have it I struggled due to the treatment I was suffering from.
They insisted we move back to their home state, but we blew my retirement on getting up there so I figured they could learn to be flexible.
No. They decided around that point they'd rather escape than be the bad guy who abandoned me.
My former best friend/sister wished my fellow convalescing friend had harmed themselves instead of the narcissist, whose form of escape was driving their car off the interstate at 120mph. (Spent 10 hours with a search party I roused looking for them. They survived. Had been hospitalized early that morning. Moved home to their mother and detransitioned in the aftermath, claiming I force masc'd them.)
And my best friend. My sister, told my convalescing friend I wouldn't believe their side because she had tenure.
That sisterhood has since ended.
Have lived essentially doubled up (sharing a bed) or couch surfing for 4 years.
My mental health has degraded from depression and potential Audhd - To outright DID, which for the record does not form without C-ptsd so there's that.
My landlady evicted me for a panic attack on Thanksgiving in which I was suicidal and non-verbal. I messaged her repeatedly for help and was ignored within eye sight. (When I could move, I got out and called the 211 crisis helpline. Felt better. Til I saw my freak out text had been essentially met with a 30 day Gtfo.)
I've always hated holidays when I can't be a part. My family left me alone with an empty house too many times while they went to celebrate out of state.
Beyond letting me live with her. My landlady never accommodated my healing, (we tried chore charts and a single white board and verbal reminders for the ADHD. This was then eventually a tense point on because it was "invisible labor " while I was trying not to exist as a mentally ill person. So constant masking within eye sight. And you know. Not take up all the space.) She then stole a bunch of stuff for my computer that Voc Rehab paid for, so I could, you know find a job and retrain, due to a loan we took out together so I could you know...survive, that she can reasonably now assume I can't pay.
Made and lost a partner who lived in that sitch and paid rent when they could. They supported me this last year. They were evicted too.
Lost 5 separate jobs to relapse. Not due to personal choice. My health collapsed and without input over any environment, I inhabited I continued to relapse and spiral. My nervous system has felt under attack since I was 22.
Have attempted returning to school twice for Alternative Med and a bachelor's in comp sci. Had to drop both of those.
I've been fighting for disability since 2019 with an active case since 2021.
Having struggled with all of this. My friends could only look at me and see a spoiled entitled princess.
Assholes.
I have gone from a being of joy and delight and ecstatic spontenaeity. To not being able to trust humans.
There are days I don't feel human. There are days I still think I'd be better off dead.
But then I wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't have my internal system.
I wouldn't have the few good things I still do.
I have my laptop.
I have my phone.
I have my hands.
And I was resilient.
But.
Until the body and brain are ready to work together again, until I can convince my body that it's not coming back again. I'm done being in places that don't serve my path.
To those who remember my dead name.
Don't darken my doorway again. I'm tired of grieving you. I did my best, acted with best intentions for all of us. And you all looked at the group I put together and decided the lie was preferable to accepting accountability with grace.
You are not owed my apologies. You are not owed my suffering.
You were owed only what I could give in reciprocity. Somewhere along the way. You forgot I was supposed to be healing. Incapable of perfect equivalent exchange. You turned our friendships transactional and that is on you.
I was owed the chance to heal. Not having to hold it all together for everyone else. I have given all.
May Kenaz take you far from me and spread your ash to soils better suited to brackish natures. I'll relish the blister. And my peace.
TLDR:
This figure is disabled, homeless, jobless, and has little left to offer.
If you need something other than a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
All I can do is boost.
Have a day.
