All the Tears We Didn't Cry WIP/Book blog

you love me, don't you? and you support me, don't you?

but what if I don't support what you're doing? what if I kind of wish you would consider a different avenue? would you change your ways if I asked you to?

Universe grinned widely then, brushing Their pants off to a bright and glittering white, and pulled from the air a white suit jacket that shone silver—hummed in thought—then retrieved from nowhere a straw boater hat with one hand and a dark cane with the other, the top fashioned with a swirling black hole. As They placed the hat atop Their head, the cosmos seemed to birth and proliferate across Their jacket, near-blinding even in shade, matching Their neon shirt below. With a sly expression the god caught Karyn's eye then, and she could not decide whether to flinch at the sight or bow her head.

the horrible suit!!! I initially designed a version of this back in like, 2017, but was inspired to draw it (updated) while working on pride stuff. I also needed to. divert my brain. for a little. hence finished this today

new drafting involves (returning to) a timeline where L+D are destroyed and so (some undisclosed time later) Universe returns and goes wtf yall with the hope for Them to actually be around for a bit, so admittedly part of my goal here is to think through some of Their canonical "looks". I want Them to look very different from either Life or Death, in part b/c They are very different and in part b/c They're fucking pissed!!!! how could Their creations let things spiral like this!!

I think something I want to play around with is the idea that Universe is, maybe more so than either of their kids, only kind of sorta sees humans as beings with, like, feelings and opinions, and primarily sees them as "entertainment" in the form of creatures just sensate enough to be fun to fuck around with. a very different attitude from either Life ("humans are fated and while they're annoying, at least they are interesting and have a sense of respect") or Death ("lmao you think you're so smart and care about things so strongly. that's cute") ! to Universe, all of humanity is like an oversized ant farm, and They basically see humans as ants who can be fun to tease or confuse but offer little else.

how dare ants kill Their children?! why did Life and Death let them?!?!!?

under Their chaotic and joke-loving exterior, I think there may lay a very angry, and potentially very vengeful god.

As he unlatched the door, she spoke out with grave tone: “Don’t let me catch you next time.” The words paused him, but he remained silent, only glanced briefly back, then departed out to the night. Delta should have stopped him. Said mind his back, and the paths he tread; mind deals he might be making, how one’s youth could haunt. Told him it was unwise to turn from the path, for how the thickets scratched, not all dark corners alike, not all protective like the cast of his ilk. Repeated all the things she’d been told, and ignored anyway, but this time make them stick listen, before it all went as it goes, before opportunity had gone.

Something I've been thinking about is how the manner of giving and receiving advice is handled—especially related to tradition, duty etc., and differences in how the characters relate to those things. Originally I had written this scene to have a moment when Oscar looks to Delta here for further advice after she says this, but something about it didn't quite fit anymore... I think a necessary dialectic between him + Diana is that while Diana struggles with authoritative guidance that she desperately wants yet can't follow, Oscar gets that kind of advice unwillingly and wants nothing more than to escape it. Not because he's "above" it—or doesn't need it—but because he craves what (he thinks) Diana has: autonomy.

And, of course, Delta recognizes that, having once been him, spurning her mother's warnings, and so struggles between letting him go and wanting to do what she wishes she could have done for her younger self: slow (herself) down, be more careful, not ensnare (herself) in regrettable pacts just to save someone else. But she knows that (she) won't follow her advice, anyway; so.

over the last few days I've been having a lot of thoughts about endgame stuff, but I also finally finished up a scene I started retooling back in April-ish; with that + a potential near-climax dialogue I've done about 500 words today, and pretty pleased with it.

an excerpt (this is arc 3):

Many years ago, when she had been just a small child, she remembered her mother, swarmed as always by attendants and her trusty advisors, Diana’s childhood tutors then, when she had been preparing Diana to appear for the first time before the gods, preparing to be presented, to present herself. No older than five then, for it had been before, before the war would sweep her mother away, first in attention and time, then of time, forever. Before, when she had been a boisterous child, bright eyed princess of the water. Still then, being princess, and that meaning preparations, and presentation. Meaning putting one’s best foot forward, and keeping one’s gaze carefully metered, and remaining still while being dolled up, settling herself down when told to settle. She turned to Oscar, then, unsettled.

I've been perusing the Oxford Dictionary of Phrase, Saying, and Quotation and ended up writing this loosely-connected dialogue.

Karyn grimaced, her brow creasing with desperation. "I don't understand it. If you tacitly agree with what he's fighting for, why keep fighting?"

Death replied with no uncertain tone or words: "It is the position of all revolutionaries to either realize the extreme of their means or fail. It is not about agreement or disagreement: if is political power he seeks, he must at last realize the violence it calls for."

"It only calls for violence because that's what you want," she replied angrily. "Ultimately all of this is just whatever rule you and Life play by. You could change it if you wanted."

At that Death smiled thinly. "I suppose I could. But far be it me of all parties to turn down the promise of a good fight."

"And if Triste succeeds?"

"He won't." Death narrowed his eyes. "Fun as it is to bait the game with the lure of possibility, he's already shown the truth. He's too good of a politician to end his campaign by ending me."

"Like what you're doing with him," Karyn said flatly.

"Yes." Death looked over at her. "I'll make no pretense at being any different in this regard. If I willed it, he would be dead many years past. I suspect that he knows as such, as well. But unlike him, I have plenty reason to let him plod along," he said, voice taking a tone unpleasantly pleasant then: "As he fights on, it is only to continue my amusement and minor interests. As I move on, he only increases my source of power and kills his own."

"Still, if you agree, it doesn't seem productive to pretend you don't," Karyn demurred.

"In another scenario, perhaps," Death said. "But it isn't truly his ideology that is the issue—the apple of discord is power, and there is only one way to resolve that contest."

but, at least once in a millennium, she needs a break. and that includes Not Constantly Dedicating Like Ten Percent Of Herself To Keeping It Together. maybe even more often than once in a millennium honestly. sometimes you need to Consult Possible Futures and for her that means taking a little nap ["little" means "anywhere between a day to three years"].

so, what's she to do?

well, here's the thing. while maintaining her experiments and keeping track of them is something she only does herself with rare assistance from whoever she's trained to be her apprentice (in ATTWDC's timeframe, this is Zeta), the magic that just Keeps The House Running is, ostensibly, also something Death could do. hypothetically. it's essentially just a bundle of very complicated enchantments which are manually kept in balance, which requires being able to keep a constant magical connection to all the Stuff (which is just a bit out of the range of most Sentient magic practitioners. just a bit). and, canonically, he Can maintain enchantments that she's cast -- it comes up in arc 4 with enchanted bandages that Karyn has to wear. so, hypothetically, it's possible.

with one small issue.

in order to do this, their relationship has to be mutually good enough such that (1) Life actually trusts Death enough to Maintain Her House, and furthermore, (2) Death somehow doesn't resent Life enough to say no out of spite and also you want me to baby your house? with all of your precious little experiments in it? for how long while you go take a break? very funny joke.

now, sometimes Death can be persuaded with the argument that it's mutually beneficial for Life to take a peek at potential futures. but, he would argue that this puts a pretty low time cap on her "vacation", and anyways technically she doesn't have to Sleep TM to do that.

but, like, really -- what benefit does it serve Death to do this? it means that he's stuck in her house instead (cringe), can't take any breaks (rough), has to do a type of work he hates (pass), and moreover do it for a potentially extended period of time? [death voice] "absolutely not, die, never ask me of this again"

except. this most certainly counts as Doing Life A Favor. which, in their messy and very antagonistic relationship, means that Death gets to make a Equivalent Or At Least Ostensibly Equal Demand in response. sometimes involving some of those aforementioned experiments which Life famously does Not like Death knowing about or meddling with. sometimes involving external political disputes that they've ended up on opposing sides of. sometimes a Avoid Judgment For Making Questionable Decisions card, abolitionist relative of the Monopoly game get out of jail free card. no Death will not tell you what he plans to use that card for ahead of time, best not to speculate about it too much.

which puts them at a fun little impasse: are they getting well enough along for this to be a conversation in the first place? are the mutual potential rewards worth the mundane or potentially high-chaotic side effects? will this be the time that fuck it, Life decides she wants to try one of those century-long naps that Death used to take all the time back in the Pliocene? party like it's 3200 BC? engage herself in a little terrorism with the factions who misbehaved most recently? will Death decide that maybe now would be the great time to take all of her work hostage because fuck you I'm still not over how you blew my cover back in the third century AD? or even not for any reason, just as a power play, see how much you enjoy being flexed on for no good reason? doesn't even do anything overtly malicious, but just slightly rearranges the rooms in her house because it'll be funny to mess with her muscle memory?

Reduxing > THIS < post, because I've made a lot of changes in draft 7 so far and want to reflect that with an updated song lineup! this will be incomplete as to only reflect the sections I've rewritten (up to early-mid arc 3).

ARC 1: IGNORANCE

“Human of the Year” by Regina Spektor

"Keep It Together" by The Mystery Skulls [demo]

"Eyes Wide Open" by Gotye

“Death and All His Friends / The Escapist” by Coldplay

“January 28, 1986 + Galaxies” by Owl City

"Why Must We Tell Them, Why?" from 35mm: A Musical Exhibition

"Letters" from The Great Comet of 1812

ARC 2: DENIAL

“Death on Two Legs (Dedicated to…)” by Queen

"New Rules / Are You That Somebody?" by Pentatonix

"Savages" by Marina and the Diamonds

“Walking Through Memories” by Nell

“Spring and the Storm” by Tally Hall

"C'mon" by Ke$ha

"Hurricane (Johnnie's Theme)" by Lord Huron

“Mr. Fear” by SIAMÉS

“The Phoenix” by Fall Out Boy

ARC 3: ANGER

"Dreams Extinction" by Alexander Panos

“Do Not Fight the Storm” from Allegiance

"Things We Lost in the Fire" by Bastille

"ta fête" by Stromae

"This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race" by Fall Out Boy

"Find Someone" by Sheppard