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A text to my mother during a period of estrangement that never made it to its intended recipient. Reflecting on breaking cycles and understanding personal neurodivergence within the family structure.
One thing we have been working on as a family is this lesson: Just because you feel a type of way, doesnât mean you get to make other people feel that way.
Example: (Husband) was tired from a long stint of work. He was snapping at (Daughter) and making her cry, and then arguing saying how he doesnât feel good. I had to come in and remind him thatâs itâs okay to feel like crap, but we canât talk to each other and make each other feel like crap. We need to own how we feel and take responsibility for it, say what we need.
Later on, I was feeling crappy, and started snapping myself. I noticed, took a deep breath, and told (Husband) and (Daughter): âI feel overstimulated. I canât do a whole lot right now. I can do this ONE thing, and then I need quiet time.â
I feel _____. I need _____. Weâre working with scripts, because at least for me, thatâs how I operate best. If I donât have a script, I canât compute.Â
When it comes to learning about how my disability affects me: One thing I havenât been able to get out of my head is one of the times I was trying to tell you some new things I learned about autism from a book Rachel recommended to me, and your response was âI donât want to learn about autism, itâs too depressing.â - I also think a lot about how youâve compared F* to an albatross chick. I get it, itâs hard, and you guys feel like youâre drowning, but it also makes me wonder if youâve ever confronted internalized ableism.
What I find depressing about disability (especially autism/adhd) is that society isnât adapted to how F is. Thatâs not his fault. Itâs not your fault or my fault. Ableism is the one form of bigotry that enables all the other -isms. âThis one body and way of thinking is superior to all the restâ. Growing up with that implicitly being taught your whole life is hard to undo. I had a head start, but I still have to unlearn negative attitudes about myself and others, and I will probably never be done.
AuDHD for me means that I can do anything I find interesting or worthwhile. I can garden, paint, deep dive into whatever topic of the month Iâm on. I feel everything way more intensely than everyone else. Iâve been chastised and made fun of for being sensitive, told to toughen up, âYouâre not deadâ -Â
*F is my brother. His autism impacts him in more disabling ways than mine does, in that he is an echolalic communicator (otherwise known as a gestalt language processor, but growing up he was described as "non-speaking", despite the fact that he spoke quite a lot, just in movie quotes.)
Some of my favorite images of my OC, Marla. She finds herself at the center of a multidimensional conflict, and is quite literally the key to saving not just a planet that her physical body hails from, but also several other dimensions that are tangled up together as a side effect of her creation thanks to meddling gods. She has a wry, dry, dark sarcastic sense of humor that allows her to move somewhat playfully through the worlds she gains access to.
Bezaleel is one of the three gods of the planet Candor. His is a patron god of families, love, and growth. On the physical plane, he appears either as a giant wolf, or as the landscape taking shape of a wolf. In the void space, he is more humanoid in appearance. He is Marla's primary protector while she is in the void space, until the gloom takes him over and he loses his control. Trust that he is a staunch fighter and never gives up, however.
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I used to be an early native to Tumblr on its first ascenscion. Then, stuff happened. Then some more stuff happened. Now I'm back.
What to know?
I'm a parent now. Before that I was an artist* in a very loose sense. I still am, though I get a little squidgy with the title because mine comes with the disclaimer; no! no, not a professional, just a hobbyist.
*just* a hobbyist. Yet I will allow myself to toot my own horn a bit and say I'm not too bad. What's my deal?
I hate money.
I hate the idea of turning something I find spiritually therapeutic at its best into an action I have to perform to survive. I can't do this shit when I'm in survival mode. I can't do it if I don't love it, and when money is involved, I hate it. So, I've struggled with sharing my art on social media and making a side hustle from it for years. I still want to share it, however. So that's what this is about to be.
Strap in, buddies. I have buckets full of old sketches to go through, and sometimes I even make new ones. I'm gonna take you random strangers on a tour of my beautifully strange brain so we can marvel in it together. Here's to being brave, I guess. If I don't get forgetful later.
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