atoltia

"Do you think I'm fat?"

Hal snapped out of his previous view and met Bruce's gaze, "What?"

"You're staring at me while I'm touching my belly," Bruce huffed, hand still carressing the thick flab spilling out of his tighter-than-sin shorts, "You think I'm fat, don't you?"

Hal opened and closed his mouth.

Maybe telling his clearly bothered husband that he spent the last half hour staring at his ass is not the best idea.

"Well," Hal said instead, scooting to sit up at the edge of the bed, "You are fat. I don't just think; it's just true. And being fat isn't a bad thing either."

Bruce turned away from the mirror, hands on his wide hips and soft fat stomach spilling over his sleep shorts.

Maybe Hal should look into re-doing their marriage vows.

"Baby doll, it's not a bad thing to be fat," Hal insisted, taking Bruce's hands into his own, "And I don't think it's bad that you are. It means you've been alive long enough to have it, and you're eating enough to gain it."

Bruce frowned, cheeks dusting that all too familiar shade of pink, "But what if you don't think that I'm sexy anymore? I'm hardly the model-perfect Batman you met some odd 20 years ago."

Hal paused.

Hal blinked.

And then he pulled Bruce until he was sitting on Hal's lap, just right over his pronounced crotch.

His husband squeaked, "Oh..."

"Exactly," Hal chuckled, leaning close and peppering kisses on his tall nose, "You need more assurances, or what?"

And who is to say that Bruce isn't also equally freaked out and chose not to wear the cape on purpose???

.

.

.

Green Lantern has not turned away from the wall in the last 10 minutes since he and Batman got into a fight.

Something about unmade plans and reckless behavior, as is their usual song and dance. Green Lantern had accomplished the mission smoothly, save for a bump that nearly got himself and some others killed.

Batman lost his cape in the maneuver to get them out of harm's way, which led to the exposure of his.... bat-ssets. It's actually the whole reason why everyone stayed behind to witness the fight.

Both have been actively bleeding the whole time they argued, until Batman finally relented to his bloodloss light headedness and walked off.

Really, if it had not been for their matching rings, people might forget these two were even married by how often they rip into each other.

The man is grumbling and thumping his head on the wall, groaning in a tongue that the ring is likely translating to a language unknown to Earth.

"Is... Is he gonna be okay?" a young JL member asks.

Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter's deadpan expressions have not changed.

"He won't be but that's how he wants it," Green Arrow sighed.

"Shouldn't you be more worried?" the young member asks again, "I mean, they're Founding Members. Isn't it important that they get along?"

"Believe me, they do," Martian Manhunter sighed.

Finally, Green Lantern moved. He gave a loud growl and stalked off in the same direction as Batman disappeared from, face beet red.

Green Arrow produced a pair of ear plugs from god knows where, "You'll need these."

The young member took them confusedly, "Um, thank you? But what's it for—"

A loud, Batman-soundinh moan cracked through the otherwise soundless Watchtower.

They were in space. They shouldn't have heard a sound unless it was just that loud.

Green Arrow chuckled. Martian Manhunter sighed and murmured some grown up words in 7 different human languages.

Bruce loves Hal even when they're fighting. And often enough it's about money- more specifically, that Hal doesn't want Bruce spending his money on him.

Bruce tries to understand why his way of showing care is so often rejected. But one day things are said that can't be taken back.

Bruce tries and fails to hide how wounded he is. Hal feels instantly terrible but doesn't apologize.

They don't break up. But they also don't talk for two weeks.

But then Hal is on the Watchtower complaining to Barry that he has a plumbing issue in his apartment that he cannot afford to get fixed. And Bruce overhears but says nothing. Hal even mentions that the landlord doesn't seem capable of fixing it either.

Fast forward and he's in his pajamas eating leftover pizza on the couch when there's a sharp knock on his door. He isn't expecting anyone but he's even more surprised to find Bruce on his doorstep. He barely manages a "What are you doing here-" before the other man is pushing passed him.

Bruce is dressed in simple jeans and a t-shirt but he has a utility belt around his waist, different than the one he wears as Batman but eerily similar. He's got Home Depot bags in one hand and a tool box in the other.

"Bruce!"

"Show me," Bruce cuts him off.

"What-"

"Your pipes. The sink."

Hal blinks for a moment. "You heard that-"

"Yes, now show me."

Hal stares at him for another long moment. "But why? I was kinda mean to you the other day."

Bruce gives him a single nod. "You were. And since you won't let me pay someone to fix it, I decided to do it myself. I went to The Home Depot hardware store. Now show me."

Hal laughs nervously, shaking his head. His heart fills with with fondness despite himself. "You're not a plumber, Spooky."

That earns him a scoff. "Not by trade. But who do you think fixes the bathroom in the Javelin? Who do you think built the bathrooms in the Batcave? It wasn't Alfred, I'll tell you that much. Now let me fix it."

Hal sighs softly, running a hand through his mess of hair. "You don't have to fix my life. That was the whole argument I was trying to make."

Bruce is silent for a moment, eyes unreadable. Finally, he says, "I don't want to fix your life because I think how you live is beneath me. I want to make your life easier because I know you deserve an easy life. You will never have an easy life because you are a Green Lantern. The least you could have is plumbing that works when you come home from space. I have the means to do these things for you. I was ... hurt... because it seems like the way I love is... defective. Even for you."

Hal makes a wounded sound but Bruce continues before he can correct him.

"It doesn't always occur to me that simple things can't be solved with money and that you will suffer your pride before accepting any financial help. So... instead of paying someone, I am here. Just me. And I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I still want to make your life easier," he says, eyes turning achingly soft. "Can you let me this time?"

Later, Hal doesn't know why he was so hesitant. Bruce looks so hot under the sink, focus making his brows scrunch and his toned arms flexing as he works. And Hal loves handing him tools when he asks for them. By the end of the night Bruce has even inspected the entire apartment and fixed a few other things Hal didn't even think about.

They don't talk much during that time but when Bruce is packing up his tools and preparing to leave, Hal catches his arm before he can make it to the door.

Bruce stops in his tracks, eyes flitting from Hal's hand on him to his face. He says nothing. He simply waits.

"Stay?"

Bruce finally smiles.

I’ve only seen this as a Drabble on here, I think, or a very short, most likely crack fic on ao3

But when Bruce removes his mask for the first time, everyone gets the vaguest sense that they know him, but they can’t quite place it

It’s cause Bruce actually has a very blank and expressionless face when it’s relaxed, or maybe even a resting sad face. Also, paired with the fact that he’s still in Batman mode, they don’t get it at first

Then he’s like, “Sorry, lemme just-“

Then he gives a bright, sunshine smile, and his whole demeanor and air around him change so drastically. They’re like-

HOLY SHIT IT'S BRUCE MOTHERFUCKING WAYNE

Childhood friend Oliver: Oh-m-gee, Brucie?! No fucking way little Brucie is fucking Batman

And the league is confused about who the fuck Brucie is till he fixes his face and aura, and they're like, oh, Brucie

Non-childhood friend Ollie: Wait a fucking minute, this guy looks so fucking familiar; it’s on the tip of my tongue. No way, Bruce Wayne, who knocked over an entire ice sculpture by accident last week??

And the League is having the same realization that the billionaire that they see all over the news and the internet, who portrays himself as a little ditzy but still competent, was actually playing every single person on the planet like a fiddle

Single dad Bruce Wayne surrounded by his precious babies, who are all worried because last Parent-Teacher Conference, he was the only daddy without another daddy or a mommy with him!!

Bruce is trying to calm his wailing children, "Oh loves, being a single parent is fine! Unconventional but fine! I'm happy and I love you all enough for two!"

But they're not having this!! That's not fair!! Their dad is so nice and pretty, he deserves to have MANY mommies and daddies with him!! No, he should have ONE REALLY GOOD, REALLY BEST MOMMY OR DADDY WITH HIM!!

So they ask Bruce what kind of other daddy ("A husband!" Jason corrected) or a mommy ("That's called a wife!" Dick said) he would like to have

And Bruce, realizing that fighting his kids is something he simply doesn't want to do, so he tries to placate them

"Well.... I always liked someone who is good with numbers. A-And someone who's good at taking charge. I love it when someone has good hair and a biting sense of humor, and is family-oriented 😊"

Bruce thought dignifying his children with a response would be the last time he even has to think about the wifeless/husbandless existence he's living

.

.

.

Then a week later, Bruce has to watch his kids come home to his porch holding one very confused looking Hal Jordan

"Dad, look! We got you a husband!" Jason cheered, pushing Hal to Bruce.

"I checked his bank statements and his police record! He's a-okay, Daddy!" Tim added on with the sweetest smile a 7 year old can have.

"And he smells nice, like hot chocolate brownies, my favorite," Cass said, currently in Hal's arms and nuzzling her face on his neck, "He has really soft hair too."

"And I checked his social media on the way here! He's single! The kids on his accounts are his brothers' kids!" Duke said, holding Hal's hand, "Isn't that right, Mr. New Dad?"

Hal chuckles nervously, "I swear, they said they were lost in the city, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce looked at his eldest in horror.

"It was that or we went to England to find what a 'distinguished gentleman' was supposed to be, or whatever it is that Alfred wanted for you," Dick shrugged, not looking up from his phone showing the map home, meaning they were very much not lost.

Before Bruce can find his bearings, they start to usher Hal into the house

"Okay new dad, you can sleep in our daddy's room!"

Hal, who is too nice and a bit of a sucker for cute kids, follows happily.

It takes Bruce 10 seconds to process that there is a stranger in his home

.

.

.

After all children were put into their respective time out corners, Bruce is finally ready to face the poor soul his children abducted.

"Okay, finally. Mr. Jordan, I'd like to apologize for—"

Bruce stopped.

Currently there's a 6"4 muscular man on his floor playing with toddler Damian and letting him touch his face. Hal is blowing raspberries into the baby's palms and answering his babbles with full sentences.

"Oh, Mr. Wayne! Are the kids all packed away?" Hal asked, hands still stuffed in animal puppets that Damian is giggling at.

...

Well...

definitely been woken in the middle of the night to be told by one of the kids saying m that they threw up or had an accident

been told something disturbing like "you're old and going to die soon" or "there's a lady standing in that corner who says she knows you" while the kid is falling asleep in their dark, very empty room.

held a tissue while one of the kids blew their nose

stepped on discarded toys or tripped on sneakers left on the stairs.

Yeah, Batman is cool. Well, he pays and tips in crumpled bills that usually have some blood or soot on it, is polite to the grandpas, agrees to dropping by their houses to make sure their kids aren't staying up too late or their spouses came home safe.

But nothing beats seeing the Prince of Gotham stumbling out of work, ordering 20 bagels for his gluttonous children and tipping 150% more than the original costs. They ceased thanking him for the programs their family benefits from, knowing he much appreciates seeing photos instead or having extra onions in his shawarma wrap.

Some of them would be acutely aware of the parties that Brucie Wayne goes to because there's at least an 80% chance of him stumbling out drunk and every old man street cart vendor starts mother henning him.

"Mister Wayne, you shouldn't be drinking on an empty stomach! 😨"

"Sit up, boy 😠 Good god, you look like a bloody mess."

"Aww, poor kid 🥺" (Bruce is 45 yo man btw) "Here lad. Ice cream. On the house. Yes, yes, tell me all about the last model that dumped you, but please do it while sitting upright."

Thinking about the kids coming across these vendors and getting spooked when they recognise them and call out their names. Initially they assumed it was because they're the child of Bruce Wayne but then the vendors made the food just how they like it–less onion or extra sauce–and treats them with the hospitality of a regular customer.

They learn it's because Bruce frequents these vendors when drunk and rambles on about his babies, showing pictures and making sure the vendors know their particular preferences when making the food.

"Treat that old man of yours a bit nicer, won't ya?" They'd say, handing their orders. "Lord knows the poor lad tries his best."

"It's on the house, just give the boy my regards," the sweet lady would include when packing up their food. "Now you be good and careful on your way home."

Even when Bruce starts drinking less or quit, he still stops by those carts after attending galas like it's tradition. He'd spend a good while just talking to the vendors, talking about his day or the recent thing one of his children did that made him proud, buy something and gives a ridiculous amount of tip before going on his way. Or he'd stay there and talk until Alfred arrives.

Bonus:

One of the sweet shawarma lady nearly got mugged on her way home when Batman intervened. After checking out she's alright he offers to walk her the rest of the way home.

"Up for something warm, sweetheart?" She says, unlocking her front door with keys as the Dark Knight stood guard behind her. "There's even some more for the kids at home."

Batman visibly freezes, and the sweet lady laughs.

"Did you really think i wouldn't recognise you, young man? I'm not that old. Now come, it won't take long."

The kids are confused when Bruce comes out of patrol with a bag filled with warm, fresh shawarmas, but they're not complaining.

Crybaby Bruce Wayne.

MWAH! I love it’s I always have loved it. I always will love it.

I’d like to believe Bruce is very good at crying on command, not fake tears, full-blown crocodile tears. It’s immensely beneficial for moments the JL or his kids need him and he needs a quick escape from whatever is occupying him (be it a gala, conversation, reporter, or whatever other attention he’s drawn to himself). It’s one of his go-to manipulations techniques.

Now, the idea of Brucie Wayne slipping up when Bruce is Batman isn’t a new concept; however, I absolutely thrive for a Batman trying to get information from a criminal and bursting into tears.

The criminal is confused, or maybe he’s concerned. He could be feeling something else entirely, whatever makes most sense to you.

Crying in front of the JL: I’d like to think the JL would assume it’s a prank at first, but quickly throw the idea out. Batman doesn’t prank people… they don’t think. Whatever may have happened, it must’ve been serious if it has the big, scary bat sobbing. (In my head he’s either doing it for fun, just to see what they’d do; or he is crying over something silly, such as his kids wearing his old capes and he can’t help crying at how adorable they are (they’re full grown adults, one of which at least 240 pounds of straight muscle))

Crying in front of his kids: They’re protective of their Father, it is only natural for them to ask who did it… and the name of their street… and their house… and maybe the nearer doctors office if they’re feeling lenient.

I imagine it being something little again, Bruce can handle the big things with stoicism, but the little things like a coffee stain on the shirt one of his kids bought him? Or misspelling on a mission report he can’t ignore no matter how much he tries? That sets him off.

In addition to the Batkids idea, if it were one of the JL members who has a kid/ mentee, I believe the kids would be upset with them as well (by association). If it was Clark? Jon and Kon are also getting the silent treatment from their friends for a week (if it’s a good week). Barry? Dick refuses to eleven look in Wally’s direction for at least 3 days.

Side Note— Bruce is a gorgeous crier. His tears complement him well (anything can complement him well). He’s one of those people who get’s the perfect shade of pink tinted cheeks when tears fall from those long, envy-invoking lashes.

This was longer than I thought it would be. I hope it’s not too confusing. Do not worry about the details either, have fun with this and do what you please. I’m just a whore for pretty crybaby Bruce Wayne.

- Spiderfistace

Yeah! I'm a sucker for crybaby Bruce! Love this, spider!

He can definitely use it as a manipulation tactic, but also! He just cries on those days™:

Busy day: check.

Cruel reporters: check.

Overstimulation: check.

Fight with one of his kids: check.

Annoying JL meeting: check.

A coworker being an asshole: check.

And that was it. The last drop.

Bruce : Hal, let's make out.

Hal : *Spits his drink*

Hal : What?! Are you sure???

Bruce : Yeah Hal I'm sure. That will give us a good alibi.

Hal under is breath : Thank God Clark dropped out and I took his place...

Bruce : What did you say?

Hal : Nothing! Come here let's make ourselves an alibi!

*He pulls Bruce towards him and they have a heavy make-out session. Who's getting a little carried away.*

Bruce : Alright. It's enough. People aren't paying attention to us anymore.

Hal giddy an drunk on kisses : Hunhun...

Bruce hiding his smile : Come on fly boy, we have a mission to finish before we can continue.

Hal : Hunhun...

Hal : Wait-

Hal : Did you say continue?

Hal : Spooky-

Hal : Where are you going?!

Hal : Bruce come back!

Hal : What did you mean by that!

Hal : Bruce!

Hal on his last straw : Oh my god! Can you stop that?! That's super annoying! How would you feel if I banged you repeatedly on the table?

Bruce : Better than now actually.

Hal : What?

Bruce : What?

Oliver : What.

Barry : What?!

Diana : He said "better than now actually".

Clark : Diana!

Diana : What? They asked.

Hal : I heard the first time I just- wait where is Bruce?

Dinah : He ran away in the confusion.

Hal : Oh no he won't. BRUCE COME BACK HERE LET'S TALK!

*He runs off after Bruce*

Dinah : This is going to be interesting.

Oliver: This is going to be disgusting!

J'onn : Well, this was a productive meeting.

Like Bruce randomly looks at Hal and thinks "a senior, responsible, competent Green Lantern, experienced pilot, professional air force member, strongest willpower" and wants to climb him like a tree.

Hal is drinking water, glances at Bruce working out, and sees "strongest human he knows, needs no powers to lead a team of superheroes, raised a bunch of kids, believed to be a myth cause he's so cool" and suddenly Bruce's thighs look like a nice seat for reading.

I dunno, I love batlantern tropes so much. And you, I love you.

I have an additional clause where they don't pull each other's rank for nonsensical reasons, out of respect for the uniform

.

Hal doesn't really posture the fact that he's dating Bruce. He's made a whole deal about refusing to use Bruce's name or money if he can help it, which Bruce very much respects.

But Batman? Nah, Hal is pulling that out every damn time.

There was a period where Hal ends every spat with the League with "Okay 🙄 well I fucked Batman 😌" — Oliver has never known bloodlust until that point

Harold "Don't worry, I have a permit" Jordan pulling out a picture of him and Bruce kissing whenever the League or planet Earth give him shit for anything

And you KNOW he does it to Bruce too...

...who is more often fond than not, and also slightly exasperated because oh my god he's such a fucking dork I can't believe I swore to fuck him for the rest of my life

.

And also I just know Bruce is the one who is especially annoying about it too.

He also promised to not bring up the fact that he's dating THE Green Lantern — largely because Hal had asked him to, because he didn't want his enemies from across the galaxy having it out for Bruce or the kids or Gotham (they have enough going on)

Bruce does something different where whenever Hal does something badass, he has... a Look™

No one can tell immediately that he has the Look™ on because of the cowl, and if not that, because he has a stony expression,

But the practiced eye can discern that sometimes Batman will see Green Lantern do something incredibly foolishly death defying and otherwise heroic, then turn to everyone with the Look™ that says:

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