hi divas!! it's been 8 years, almost exactly, since i wrote on this blog. and i was going through some pretty heavy shit 8 years ago, while i was here with you all. so because sometimes i scroll through tumblr.hell, and wonder what all of my old internet friends are up to, i figure i'd give anyone who might do the same an update. i'm not expecting that anyone sees this, but in case you do, i'm here to let you know some things. below the read more will be some things that could potentially be triggering (not in any high level of detail, and definitely nothing that i've never covered on this blog, but just in case, be cautious.) cw: abuse, addiction, eating disorders, mental illness. this story does have a happy ending, so keep that in mind.
tldr; my life got really bad for a while (and i remember it being bad while i was on this blog), but i'm on the other side of it. and i know i have the friends that i've made on this website along the way to thank for that. thank you. i'm sorry. and i hope you're doing well. a lot of you saw some of the worst versions of me, and supported me through that. the fact that my life is the way it is now is something that i owe in part to you.
starting from february 2016 because i think that was the first time i posted about seriously needing a hiatus. oh to be february 2016. i wasn't even really out back then. isn't that crazy? to my friends yes, but not really. now it feels like a lifetime ago, and maybe it was. in february 2016 i was really involved with a live fast die young friend group. when everybody's severely mentally ill, somehow the consequences kind of get confusing. in february i was strapped for cash, and started hooking up with people for access to things i couldn't afford. weed, alcohol, cigarettes, you name it i did it. not super slay. i was constantly at odds with my parents, and severely unmedicated. in february i told my mother that i thought checking into a hospital might be smart. she told me if i did that, i couldn't go to college. so nose to the grindstone, kept going, kept suffering, you know how it is. that was why i originally took a step back from this blog. i thought maybe if i stopped thinking about heavy topics all the time, i would feel a little better. my brain autopopulated that space with maladaptive coping mechanisms, so i came back.
when i first disappeared fr, it was the summer before my senior year. i got into an abusive relationship right at the end of the school year, and it was... not great as you can probably imagine. had some tough shit to deal with around that, but that relationship ended because the person i was ALWAYS going on about in my old ooc posts called her and said that if she contacted me again, they would set her on fire.... divas i did think that was romantic, looking back, huge red flag.
we started doing pretty heavy opiates together around then as well. it was previously a once in a blue moon thing for me to do some kind of hardcore substance; however, i would say my vicodin addiction started around like august of 2016. that was... not ideal. it was really hard for me to juggle being high a LOT and posting on this blog, which was why towards the end i spent a lot of time in and out of here. i was also going through some serious mental health struggles, which were unrelated, and continued to decline.
a lot of those struggles that i was having, especially with my eating disorder, were made more manageable by friends on the internet. thank you for doing that.
it was not long after we started doing drugs together and hooking up that my ex became verbally abusive. i was primed to accept this kind of treatment, see: last relationship before this, challenging relationship with my parents, sub par mental health.
i was also dealing with a lot more grief than i ever could've anticipated. i lost one of my friends in october of 2016, and we had a pretty severe falling out right before that.
i thought i would come back in november of 2016, after the election. i did not expect the sharp uptick of homophobia in my own life at that time. i finally ACTUALLY started dating my ex, as opposed to whatever drug fueled shit we were doing before that, in september, and when we would go out together, we experienced a lot of harassment. it was really hard for me to cope with that, especially because i was juggling so much stuff in my own mind.
i thought about coming back a couple more times that year, but every time i wasn't attached to my phone to talk to my ex, it was like i was doing something wrong. once again, should've been a red flag, but i was 17 and naive. and i was deeply in love with them and addicted to their drugs. divas this was obviously not a great combination. the first time my ex tried to kill me was in february. they drove home and dropped a tab in the middle of the ride. i don't know that i've ever been more terrified than i was that night. their mom called my landline (forever wondering why my parents still have one of those) to find out why he was litr tripping balls. the next day at school he put his entire stash in my backpack, so his parents wouldn't catch us out. once again, not a good combination.
i accepted a lot of poor treatment from this ex, obviously. he was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive. which... blows. but i thought it would end when i went to college, and that i would get back to the rpc. that once again, clearly did not happen. my sophomore year, this ex transferred to my school, and had the intentions of being stealth. the only wrinkle in that plan was that he started transitioning halfway into the school year, so i had told my friends that he existed, shown photos, etc etc. he routinely got angry at me for denying him the ability to be stealth, join a fraternity, be one of the guys, etc. as though i was not already going to college here, and he had not transferred into my program. (still a bit of a sore spot for me icl). for clarity's sake i have since found out from some of his friends at the time that he did not care about being stealth, and that this was entirely a control tactic to make ME feel guilty. he bragged about using this to keep me in line to our mutual friend regularly.
sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, sorority pledging, chaos, eating disorders, and one really bad phone call where i found out i was my ex's emergency contact even though he was seven states away– my freshman year and first semester of sophomore year of college was essentially a blur.
in november of 2018, i was told i could not come back to college unless i checked myself into an ED clinic. ultimately i ended up back and forth between eating disorder treatment facilities 4 times. i'm incredibly thankful for that wakeup call, because one of the rules of one of my treatment facilities was that you had to pass a drug test or some other such thing. that was really where my drug addiction ended. i put in a lot of work to be able to pass that test, because i was desperate to return to normalcy by going back to college.
i returned to school, changed from a design major into a liberal arts one, and threw myself into my relationships with friends. at the time, my evil ex and i were doing some on again off again bullshit. he moved into the student housing next door to my apartment, just to keep tabs on when i would enter and leave my home. but i returned to rpc, on a different blog. mostly bc i couldn't remember the login for this one. if i remember that blog, i'll post this there for any divas who i may have made friends with during that time.
in 2020, after 6 months of keeping tabs on me "as friends" , i went away to london for a semester abroad. totally opened my world up for the 2 months i was there. we were too far apart for my evil ex to continue with his isolation tactics, so he said it was him or the trip. i had already broken up with his sorry ass, OBVIOUSLY i'm picking the trip. i left on january second. so i was able to pour myself into my own life which was great. i made some really long lasting friendships during that time.
i found the login to this blog, and intended to post something like this when i returned for the pandemic. promptly lost it again, which is why it took me so long to get here lol. i met my current partner during 2020, and we got together in august. in 2021, i graduated college, and started my first corporate position. that position divas was bad. i however, did sue the pants off of them and win. all it cost me was like 2 psychotic breaks lmao.
as i'm sure i've mentioned somewhere, i've been a jersey bridge and tunnel girl my whole life. high school in new jersey, weekends out in nyc, deep and unrelenting love of paterson and newark, the whole nine. in 2022 i decided to move 5 hours away, in with my current partner, to find some kind of healing and peace of mind.
i'm about to turn 26, and i actually have a million things that bring me a whole lot of joy. i live with the most wonderful partner i could've asked for, we're looking at engagement rings, i have a job i like, friends i like, and therapy in 8 minutes. so that's where i've been. i get nostalgic for suffering some times (something something mental illness something something), and relogging into this blog was a great reminder of what i had when i felt like i didn't have anything. so to anyone who was here, or anyone who reads this THANK YOU. a lot of bad things happened when i left, a lot of other bad things were happening when i was here, but i'm on the other side of all of it, and i know i have you to thank.
i'm sorry to anyone i mistreated while i was a teenager on the internet. i'm especially sorry to anyone who was dealing with me towards the end of my activity on this blog, if i hurt you. i know it was a lot harder for me to interact with kindness in those last few months, and that responsibility was on me, i truly am so sorry. i hope you know, wherever you are now, that i wish you SO well. if you read all of this, thank you.
