finding [ me ]

Haven’t been here in almost a year. I’ve thought about writing. Something else always seems to take precedence. Perhaps I’m just being lazy. There’s a lot going on in the world right now. I’m a combination of angry, sad, and confused. 

But today i hit a push-up goal so...I’m here to let the internet know lol. 

I can’t do push-ups to save my life. Literally, if someone had a gun to my head and said “KNOCK OUT 15 PUSH-UPS OR ELSE!”...i’d be like “...damn.”

However, i have devised a plan to work on my upper body strength. I’ve named it...”Step-by-Step” (if you’re old like me, you may also sing the theme song from the TGIF show with the same name when you say it).

I’m starting with the 4th stair in my house and doing incline push-ups. Once i can do 25 on the 4th stair, I’ll move down to the 3rd stair. Hit 25 there and move down to the 2nd stair, and so on until I’m horizontal on the floor and I can hit 25 there. 

Last week (day 1), I did 12. But TODAY, a measly nine days later, I HIT THAT 25!!!!!!!!

I felt like Hulk as I ran through the house, high-fiving my son and my cats. 

Mission accomplished. 

So much going on in life right now! So many topics to discuss. So many new experiences! I could write all day...

But I'm at work and I like to look at least semi-productive.

So just a quick note....

My office has a gym and there was s sign for a complimentary assessment with a trainer so of course I signed up cause...free.

It was like 30 minutes long and admittedly my legs and arms are a little wobbly right now...and at one point I thought I was going to throw up... BUT it was an awesome 30 minutes. Lol

I'll call the trainer Rocko - a short black dude between late 30s-mid 40s with muscles. Rocko was on it. Of course I'm coming out the locker room very anxious. "Will he think it's me he's been emailing?" "Do I just look like a fat girl waddling around?!" "Will he misgender me?"

Soon as he saw me he dapped me up and hit me with the "What's up man!? You ready to do this?!". ..and then I know'd I be's safe.

Rocko was pumping me full of "Let's go champ!"s and "You got this bro!"s.

I felt very seen and it made me push harder!

I've worked with a lot of trainers over the years and it's always been positive but this was next level. This was black man to black man. He felt my pain lol. He saw me for me. And it was an experience.

Such a simple and quick interaction with such a big impact.

and he has no clue!

Other topics on my mind to write about: passing consistently, feeling weird being perceived as cis het after a lifetime of being gay, building man bonds in the suburbs, what it means to be a black man, wondering what life would be like had I transitioned earlier in life, being "found out" in certain situations, and plenty of other fun thoughts that cross my mind while I also try to just survive life and adulting in general lol.

me: sup.

see that red/pink number 2? That’s the lateral head of the tricep - also known as the horse shoe. why do i know this? because i’ve spent the last hour researching why this random lump is on my arm. My wife said “What is that?! A Tumor!!??” and had the kids feel me up to check out this unexplained phenomenon.

I’ve been feeling my quads and hammies naturally get a little more muscular but this is the randomest muscle development by far. The rest of my arm is floppy - then there’s this guy, just trying to make up for everyone else. 

i haven’t worked out in a year but i’m proud he just popped up.

when you thought your barber was done with the haircut but he comes around to your face to clean up your you-thought-you-were-trippin-and-was-the-only-person-who-could-see-it-but-it's-definitly-visible MUSTACHE!

ARE THESE THE PUBERTY MILESTONES I MISSED IN MY YOUTH?!?!?! lol

Ah well, never too late 😁

you know what's been fun? hearing the difference in how other men greet me now that i can pass for cis male 90% of the time.

my favorite is "hey boss man." it's like a little confidence booster each time. in my head i'll be like "you know what, i AM a boss!" lol.

if they aren't calling me a boss then they are just calling me big, or sometimes a combination! As a biggen, you would think i wouldnt like the frequent call out to my size, but again, when other men say "Aye big man! What you need?" or "Big boss, help me out!", suddenly i feel pretty damn good about my linebacker size!

It's really interesting. I don't think men knew how to talk to me before i transitioned. No one ever ma'amed me or went out of there way to help or open doors, but no one ever greeted me with smiles and hand shakes either. I feel loved lol.

Im pooping. Guess ill give a little update.

It's pretty much been a year since my first T shot. I started off on a really low dose and didnt get a normal dose until maybe April 2018. So really it's been 6 months at a regular dose.

In the past 6 months I've seen some niiiiice facial hair growth. I can see the outline of my beard forming and I'm pretty certain I'll have a face full of hair by next year this time.

My voice has gotten deeper but at this point im not sure if my voice just isnt deep enough or if I'm still forcing it to stay in a "female range" from a life of faking lol. I feel like i could use some voice lessons or something. One of my fears is still sounding feminine and people assuming im a gay man!

Sex has been fun with the extra...umm...growth?! I am much more aware of my nether regions now.

Still trying to figure out how to afford top surgery.

Still looking for the right pack and play to invest in since they can be like $500 or more.

I feel like I'm just in an incubator waiting to finish cooking. Can't wait until this transition period is over. Ready to move on to something else! Like becoming YouTube famous! Or becoming the first trans rapper!! lol

is it a requirement to be #ftm and super into fitness?! cause I'm starting to think i just want to keep my french fry rolls (sans boobs) and call it a day. lol

but really though. you see women talk about this "ideal image" that society puts out but th ere really is a bit of pressure on men as well - i just don't think we voice it as much.

all i see is "ftm", "self-made", "fitness nut", "gym rat", 💉🔪, and fifty-leven pictures of abs and biceps and vids of workouts... and i get it - cause it's like, everyone has the ability to create who they want to see when they look at themselves in the mirror, so why not strive to create the best version of yourself. but also...

fast food is delicious, video/board games are fun, and naps make me excited. so maybe ill start a new ftm social media bio trend lol

"Asad. The OG Kool Geek. #FTM 💉11-07-17 Self-made (via 🍟🍕🌭) cuddly 🐼 body that enjoys 🎤 🎧 🖱 🎮 and 📺 but struggles with eating green things and sweating on purpose."

just re-recorded the voicemail greeting for my work phone. played it back and i actually sound manly as fuck... like a super cool IT geek that will solve your problems while he plays with his fidget cube and drinks soylent.