dump

Since trying to write this and really putting thought into what was actually happening I’ve realized porn is also responsible for giving me a lot of good psychologies.

What I’m about to declare might be heavily debated but in my experience a high percentage of women that have done sex work have more manners and more humility than the average woman.

My first year in porn was a bit strange. For one, I was very smart at that age. Impulsive and dramatic but very smart.

I knew right away I wouldn’t last. I felt it in my bones that I was not porn star material.

I did have frequent panic attacks about it. No one knew this of course. I was good at aloof. But I’ve never been one to fall for flattery. No matter what people said, no matter how much they told me I was going to have a life long career, I knew.

And that’s a rather terrifying thing to know because I was doing porn. Something that could ruin my reputation for having any other career anywhere for anything.

Of course lots of people warned me of that too. My first scene made sure I really wanted to go through with it.

So why did I go through with it?

Impulsivity. Curiosity. Extreme horniness. Money. Two months worth of my portion of the rent to be exact.

I know at some point in La after moving from North Hollywood to Northridge and before porn I started trying to have casual sex.

I know it didn’t go well.

I was still awkward. When I liked a man I couldn’t even look at him. And when I didn’t like a man I ripped his head off his spine. (Metaphorically. Twenty is when I started to develop my temper)

Basically I failed at casual sex.

So that bold humility statement I made. About how sex worker girls have more manners.

A lot of them have also learned how to be more charming and they’ve learned it from being more authentic.

Authenticity is my speciality. I’ve been fired for being authentic. I’ve had articles written in French about my authenticity.

Every job, friend and enemy I’ve ever had has experienced my authenticity. I am perhaps an authenticity expert.

So what is authenticity then?

It is not what people think it is.

I really like anime. I’m one of those. I’ve actually banned myself from watching anime because I’m a binger.

I’m letting myself go back to it because I have started to learn how to control myself and only watch one episode.

But this is about the anime called ‘Tokyo Ghoul.’ Which is only an okay anime. I got bored of it.

There’s an episode where the main ghoul guy who starts out really lame gets tortured. It’s a long and brutal torture scene and eventually the torture is so bad that the guy just gets over his lameness and becomes a bad ass.

That’s what authenticity is.

I can be so authentic because I know I can survive humiliation.

I know that if everyone hates me it’s really not that big of a deal. Already been through it.

I know that no matter how much people think they care about how much they hate me, they really don’t actually.

They’ll get bored and they’ll find someone else to hate.

Knowing this even gives me an awareness of my own hatred. I don’t take it so seriously. I don’t take my own offense so seriously.

It’s less about not being judgemental. I am judgmental. (I judge Canadians. And blue hair. What the actual fuck? And people who drink any domestic beer. Gross.) but my judgment isn’t attached to any deep roots.

It’s shallow and easily removed or changed.

A pivotal moment in my porn career was when I met Mia Malkova.

Because Mia Malkova was a very sweet girl that made me experience an emotion I never had for a girl.

I got very jealous of her. She started around the same time I did. And it was clear she would be a super star and I knew I wouldn’t and I did worry I’d have no other options in life and I’d just be ruined.

She wouldn’t be. She’d remain a super star. (I was right by the way.)

But. I was smart. I did not let that emotion fester, I knew it was unfair and on top of that useless to feel.

I looked at beautiful Mia Malkova and every time I got jealous I squashed that emotion with s chorus of being happy for her.

I then accepted my fate. I stopped trying to fit into porn. I stopped worrying.

I just let myself be. That’s when I started being authentic.

It was also when my shyness started to melt and I became kind of a bitch.