flirting, l❤ve & the internet

The answer is yes: The integration of the Internet [and texting specifically] into our daily lives has transformed how romantic connections form, evolve, and even dissolve.

Although the psychological principles of interpersonal attraction themselves have not changed, their relevancy and impact on the formation of romantic relationships have shifted in response to the advent of the Internet and digital communication. There is a decreased need for physical proximity when initiating and maintaining romantic relationships.

The Internet has provided us with new avenues of flirtation and ways to connect with [potential] romantic partners, as is evident in the studies that I explored, the material from Psychological Effects of the Internet, and the responses from my lovely interviewees.

Texting provides a way for romantic partners to stay connected even when they are apart. It offers a positive, immediate way to express affective and maintain intimacy without diminishing perceptions of closeness (Wagner et al., 2022).

Moreover, it allows individuals a greater degree of control over their interactions as compared to in-person conversations—as they can decide when and how to respond (Wagner et al., 2022). Utilizing texting to express affection can even enhance relationship satisfaction, which in turn increases feelings of closeness and commitment (Wagner et al., 2022).

Being able to communicate via the Internet doesn't detract from the formation of romantic relationships. Instead, it helps facilitate face-to-face dating and intimacy by increasing romantic communication between two people (Pinsky, 2023).

Pinsky, D. (2023). Mediated risk: A qualitative exploration of students’ experiences flirting online. Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634607231224159

One of my interviewees explained that they can tell if someone is flirting with them via text when they are texting a lot throughout the day and when "a certain combination of emojis [is used], like the little blushing emoji with its hand over the mouth or the little monkey covering its eyes—basically things that emulate blushing."

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Research has revealed that the synchronization of emoji used patterns seem to have two important functions in online dating. First, pattern matching is used as a digital feedback tool to assess romantic compatibility—where emoji use patterns are thought to indicate personality traits (Nexø et al., 2020). Pattern matching involves factors like the frequency of emoji usage, types of emojis used, and their communicated meanings. Second, attunement [or synchrony] of emoji use patterns between two people is used to signal and gauge romantic interest (Nexø et al., 2020). This data suggests that emojis play a similar role as nonverbal behaviors do in an offline context.

Data from the popular dating app "Hinge" shows that memes are emerging as a way to show affection (Iovine, 2023).

73% of respondents use memes to determine if they share a sense of humor with a match

60% prioritize getting a sense of someone's "meme humor" before going on a date

93% say memes reveal a potential partner's sense of humor

92% of daters consider a shared sense of humor to be an important factor when considering getting into a relationship

Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, states: "Our digital sense of humor has become an important part of our identity." Memes are defined as an internet image [or video clip] that reflect some sort of social or cultural commentary that can communicate niche jokes, reflect the attitudes of a group of people, speak to our personal values, and allow us to approach current events from a more accessible angle (Stolar, 2022).

College student and journalist Sarah Stolar (2022) explains that sending [meme] content that doesn't match the recipient's humor can be a great indicator of a lack of personal compatibility. Memes mirror the senders and what memes someone chooses to send us reveals their understanding of us. Communication via the Internet is frequently dismissed as shallow, lacking depth and intimacy—yet, in reality, interactions via the Internet with people we are close to, or building connections with, can be profoundly eloquent and expressive (Stolar, 2022). When someone knows your mind so well that they can complement it with the online content they share, can foster feelings of being understood and appreciated.

Below are some examples of memes that I have saved in my camera roll from Pinterest.

Iovine, A. (2023, May 25). Memes are a love language, Hinge says. Mashable. https://mashable.com/article/meme-love-language-hinge

A 2023 research study, conducted by Dina Pinsky, looked at how college students flirt through technology with people they have both met in person and online. More specifically, she examines how college students use features unique to social media and cell phones to help them manage interpersonal vulnerability and embarrassment—an inherent part of flirting. Pinsky calls this "mediated risk," defining it as the perception of reduced risk among college students when flirting online.

Digitally mediated flirtation is popular amongst college students because it allows them to express desire and test the waters for mutual attraction while having a greater sense of being in control [and less vulnerable] than they would with flirting in person. Pinksy conducted a series of interviews and noted that those who told her that they prefer to flirt in person said that they also flirt online because of social expectations.

She found that digitally mediated communication (DMC) is employed in tandem with in-person communication for flirtation. To be more precise, when college students are attracted to a peer, they communicate via social media and cells phones as a way of augmenting their face-to-face interactions. DMC does not detract from the formation of romantic relationships, rather, "it helps smooth the way into face-to-face dating and intimacy by increasing romantic communication" (Pinsky, 2023).

Physical distance and the asynchronicity of the Internet give people control over communication timing and the space to consider their word choice. In fact, despite "moral panics about the dangers of internet technology," digitally mediated flirting has become commonplace for college students looking to explore intimacy with each other. With this said, digital communication does not completely replace face-to-face flirting and romantic interactions. Rather, it offers additional, more nuanced ways for people to spend more time flirting.

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For instance, if someone has a low proclivity for texting, they might be more satisfied in a relationship when their parter texts infrequently (and vice versa). In fact, similarity when it comes to initiating a text message exchange and affectionate texts strengthens relational satisfaction (Wagner et al., 2022). This in turn can lead to an increase in closeness and commitment within the relationship.

Although opinions varied amongst the interviewees, some did point out that having a balance, or combination of both could be ideal. More specifically, sharing core values and some interests is important, but having differences also adds spice and adventure to romantic relationships. One of the interviewees noted that while they prefer "birds of a feather," or similarities, they welcome new qualities that an "opposite" partner might bring, as this could make the relationship more exciting.

Overall, whether "birds of a feather flock together" or "opposites attract" is better for romantic relationships ultimately depends on the individuals in the relationship. Similarities can provide a strong foundation for building connections and differences can add variety and keep things interesting. The key is finding a balance that works for both partners to ensure that the relationship is fulfilling and satisfies their needs.

By contrast, a couple of the interviewees voiced their opinion that "opposites attract" can lead to longer-lasting romantic relationships. One person brought up the point that although "birds of a feather might work initially, opposites attract is better for longevity." She noted that while having things in common can create an initial spark, it's the differences that sustain long-term interest in each other. With opposites, there's always something new to learn about each other—to discover.

Another interviewee said that having multiple—even contrasting—perspectives leads to more engaging conversations. When two people come from different backgrounds, there's an opportunity to learn and grow together. Having differences can challenge people to see things from different viewpoints—having the potential to strengthen bonds over time.

One person voiced that they think that being too similar to someone might lead to boredom or bumping heads as a result of too similar personalities. Another interviewee voiced that learning more [new] things about a person can increase their attraction to them and they believe that "it's harder to feel or maintain that connection when there are too many similarities."

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Many of my interviewees voiced the opinion that "birds of a feather flock together" make for better romantic relationships—supporting the idea that having things in common forms the strongest bonds. One interviewee noted that "if [they] have a lot in common, [they] can talk to a person really passionately about something, that leads to more frequent conversations which can lead to something happening." He expressed that there have been times where he and a girl have been "too different and nothing happened."

Another interviewee talked about the shared understanding and common ground that comes with sharing similarities—referring to scientists specifically.

"Scientists dating other scientists makes sense—you get excited about your work, someone who gets your frustrations, who gets how hard you work; whoever is opposite of you probably wouldn’t understand if I just said oh our samples today were massive! They likely wouldn't understand the nuance of that."

They argued that, with the concept of opposites attract, there isn't that immediate, mutual understanding. They explained that when there's a shared interest, "you can go down a rabbit hole where you find out that you have even more in common."

Someone else argued that being with someone who shares your interest can help relationships blossom naturally—especially since they personally find it easier to connect with people with similar experiences. Shared interests are another way to easily build rapport with someone and pave the way for a romantic connection.

These two phrases refer directly to two psychological principles of interpersonal attraction—the Similarity Attraction Effect and Complementarity, respectively. When it comes to romantic relationships, there's a long-standing debate about whether "birds of a feather flock together" or "opposites attract." I asked my interviewees what they thought about the matter.

This is a screenshot of a conversation between one of my interviewees and a former potential romantic partner of hers. This is a brand new text chain since they had just acquired each other's phone numbers, so she teasingly sends "I know exactly what I'm gonna make ur profile photo."

His responses suggest that he's aware of what photo she is talking about and she responds by saying that she has multiple—three to be exact. She feeds into a light hearted tone by texting "Hehehehe," to reinforce the playful nature of this conversation. He responds "fuck you," but you can almost feel they eye roll and smirk through the screen. She eggs him on, stating that even if he finds a crazy profile picture for her, it will never be as good as the crazy one she has for him.

Flirting in-person and over text share some similarities in that both involve some degree of:

giving compliments

asking questions [to get to know each other]

poking fun at/teasing each other

Yet, differences come up as well. Flirting in person relies heavily on nonverbal cues—which can't be conveyed through a text to the same degree. People tend to utilize physical touch more when flirting in person. One of the interviewees reported that they "can be more touchy, smile, look cute and bat [her eyes]."

Another said that they are big on physical touch: "for example, if someone is cuddling me and has their arm around me, I'll play with their hand, maybe kiss their neck." They went on to elaborate that they aren't that great with words, so that's why physical touch is an important way for them to convey their romantic interest in another person.

As there are ways to flirt in person that don't necessarily translate to text, the same can be said of flirting via texting. For instance, emoji usage and sending memes are ways that we can customize our conversations with potential [or current] romantic partners that don't translate to in-person interactions.

While both in-person and and text-based flirting involve complimenting each other, humor, a bit of teasing, and maintaining engaging conversations, they differ significantly in regard to the ability to use and read of physical cues, the immediacy of feedback, and the methods employed.