cowardly lion

i feel like i’m flipping back and forth between the two extremes rn of feeling like im having important revelations about friendship that will help me change and do better and be better and like uhh. well i feel doomed and awful and s*icidal as well. is it too late for me? what if i screwed it all up already. i’m anxious. i havent been taking any of my meds consistently for a while and i actually. don’t remember the last time i took any of them at all rn. but im unsure if thats a bad thing? i think i probably need them my therapist thinks i need them. i cant sleep. i probably need them. but i also feel such a sense of clarity rn yk? everything feels bad but i feel like im seeing it all so clearly. it doesn’t feel good i feel sad i feel scared but i feel like what if thats because its true? yk?

i think probably ultimately i do post absolutely fucking everything in my worst moments ever to instagram bc it makes me feel like i’m being vulnerable and reaching out for help or connection or whatever the fuck without ummm actually doing that :)

the problem is my whole life most of my best friends have always lived far away :/

one fear is alleviated and another steps in to take its place.

i can’t sleep i’m freaking out. can’t stop thinking about arie dy*ng or my mom dy*ng or my brother or sister or any or all of my friends. help. i miss my grandma. how are you supposed to live meeting people and loving them and knowing that everyone you love is gonna leave your life one day unless you leave first. i’m scared my mom is so tired and stressed i can’t stop thinking about how mad ill be if she doesn’t live at least as long as her parents have. i’m so scared. who else knows me? when my mom dies? if arie? i don’t know what id do. i dont want to think about it but i cant stop thinking about it. arie is right here next to me sleeping and warm. but i cant stop thinking about if something happens. before we lived together even when we were just friends i used to worry about. well what if catastrophe befell our states and the power was gone and there was no postal or cell service. what if something happened to my best friend and id never know? never see or hear my friend again? i used to be so sick about it i thought about how i would need to make sure i had the address memorized so i could find my way down there. just in case. and now we live together and we want to build a life together and i worry. i cant imagine never seeing arie again i feel so sick thinking about it. but i cant stop. when i was little i was often randomly Struck like this. imagining my mom dying and not being able to stop in the middle of the school day. crying until my mom had to come get me. it happened all the time as a child so ig it feels almost childish to me to worry about right now. no sense worrying, my mom would say. but i cant stop :( it wont stop. i dont know what to do rn i still dont know how to get myself out of this

perhaps i am the worst person perhaps im the man with the knife im the enemy even

it’s fall and i had to work on my grandma’s birthday and the day of the last time i saw her is fast approaching and every day all i can think of is all the regret i have. i left dinner early that night. i was supposed to bring her breakfast soon. i should have done it sooner. i lied to her and i took too long to come clean. both of my grandmas held me in their laps my whole life and i still didn’t trust them like i should have. now i’ll never get to. what is wrong with me? i miss them. i felt safest with them even now in my head when i need to feel safe i go back to being in their arms. on the couch with my grandpa playing piano in the living room. why didn’t i trust them ?

how do people do this how do people do anything

this has been one of the most difficult years of my life i think tbh which is awful to think abt considering how bad some of the other years have been and that im mentally preparing myself for when my parents and tatu d*e too. like those haven’t even happened yet. and im functional more than ever yay wow i have had 2-3 jobs at all times for the past three or four years and now im in school as well and sometimes i dont even hate it. i live with someone i love and dont have to be afraid of. i even Like going to work at one of my jobs. why then im still so fucking sad. why im still so fucking lonely. i feel more emotionally closed off than ever to the point i don’t really recognize myself rn and it’s freaking me the fuck out. i miss my fucking grandmas. one year without grandma soon and this year is three without madear. and i lied to them and now i have a life i wish i could show them and i will never ever be able to even talk to them again.

post abt wanting to kill yourself on instagram and you will soon have something new fresh and exciting to want to kill yourself over :)

i love posting smth crazy on instagram and running away and then coming back and seeing people have seen it and then wanting to kill myself bc of that

haha does anybody else ever get scared that people are assuming the worst possible thing about them at all times