AstroDenz' Writings

Bluest Inquiries Never Sent

What must be the catalyst of you being so distant about your feelings and love?

Aren't you smart enough to decipher the notion of my actions?

Will you point out the roots of your insecurities?

Do you have any future plans and am I in it?

How numb are you to not feel the connection, do you feel any connection at all?

How open-minded could/would you be?

You are the first person to know don't you know that?

Could you please offer me the clearest signs and signals?

Did you really comprehend the core of my intentions?

I don't want you like a best friend, are we clear with that?

Don't you still know by now?

When will you be open about considering me?

Are you able to discern all the ciphers about you?

Are you still looking for anyone or have you already found someone?

Would you rather choose to like me?

Could you please expound what are we doing?

Do I sometimes slip in your mind?

Is there a chance that I would be reconsidered?

Don't you know that I am waiting for some sort of assurance?

Are you fooling my feelings upfront?

Should I wait until all is said and done?

Will you speak about your thoughts?

Can't you picture us being together?

Should I leave again and move on once more?

You-NIVERSE

You captured me,

And I want to capture you.

Truth is hard to swallow...

It is what it is and I can never know.

Challenge me, I will endure.

I might be the closest man to surf a black hole.

I just hope there exist a universe where I choose you and you choose me.

It would be you,

The only one I would expect.

I tried to let it all go...

Guess it does not really work that way.

Ruin my body, make it pure.

I can never be imbecile about anyone else again.

I just hope there exist a universe where I love you and you love me.

it is just truly amazing how a person feels like home.

if you are anything, then you're a find.

a celestial soul with a mystifying mind.

i will wait until all stars align.

just like when taylor said, "i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this".

every day, i always find and feel you, i am scared about the day that i don't.

i won't settle for anyone unless it is you.

and if you will allow me, i would entrust my heart to you.

because...

Good Night Series #10:

"It kindles smiles to me for we are bosom buddies and it engenders tears, for that is but all it would ever be. All I ever wanted was to be your main man and all I ever dreamed of is to be your beloved."

~

Story:

One last night.

One last night I will be thinking about you. Well, that's what I thought.

There is something in the nights that tickles my mind to reminisce everything about you.

That is maybe because the night is the moment when we all feel lonely when alone.

The bliss and the hurt that you offer is so unsullied, just like the night.

It provided me the ecstasy I know I could never find in other people. Plus, I feel like a very different person with you, the better me.

And it hurts to pretend to be your friend because deep inside in my bones I know I want it to be more.

I am much into heavenly bodies and that is then I discerned you are one.

I have loved the stars and I have loved you.

But I beg your pardon Universe, for he is just incomparable.

He's got the galaxies within him too.

But, I had a taste of it and now I cannot forget about it.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of gladioli that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series #9:

"Like a psychopath discharging his exasperation, I want you inside me. That is the archetypal attention I am in search for. This unbridled thirst for your consideration prevails on making me sporadically forlorn."

~

Story:

One night of October.

It was some sort of party night to be celebrated.

You have no clothes to put on and good thing I always bring a spare.

I let you borrow it and you immediately agreed to wear the polo.

You get a room to where you will change clothes and I think I was the only one who can see you.

You took off your shirt and so I caught sight of that slick back of yours.

Out of my panic, I slammed the door closed. It was so obvious I know you felt it.

I leaned back on the door for moments. Building thoughts in mind about what I just beheld.

I just came back to myself after feeling you are touching the doorknob already.

Opening the door, I was surprised by an open cleft chest.

I did have the hot flushed face.

I was stunned for a moment and good thing our friends notice it already as well and so, throw some jokes and comments about it too.

God, I badly want to rest on it forever.

I tried fixing it for you and I guess you like it like that.

The morning after you told us a story.

I just can't believe how numb and dumb you are.

Damn you and that freaking someone you kissed.

Feelings retracted and reversed. I cried.

Self-isolation initiated.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of corianders that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series #8:

"In just one ineffable moment, you'll have that sudden encounter of a person who you'll take a fancy to touch because you just know that is the physique you'd desire to touch for all eons."

~

Story:

One night of September...

One of the nights that I caught myself fantasizing about you. I just can't stop reminiscing that March morning.

One night of March...

I am still thinking why you still are not sleeping. I joined you watching your magical tv-series and it clicked me moments after that I need to go to sleep.

Next Morning...

I woke up with you beside me. Nineteen years of existence and I have never felt that such bliss.

I retracted, I was confused. I ran to the comfort room, calming myself.

I got back to bed. Your face facing my direction.

I really love five things on your anatomy:

Your ears, your lips, your arms, your back (like the whole XD) and the last one is too personal and just added to the collection, year after. (HAHA)

I leaned closer. I watched the whole spectacle you.

It was my first. I was shocked as well.

I kissed you on the lips and I ran to the comfort room again.

It is so soft I badly want to repeat.

Going back to September night. I slept tight.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of verbenas that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series #7:

"The aroma of books, pellucid horizon, relaxing massage, music and chocolate ice cream. I opine, these are the lucid bliss of life. Just simply your voice could emanate it and my senses would be revivified."

~

Story:

One night of August.

It all started with a missed call for you. You called me back and said you just did something that is why you have not answered.

I guess a more than 2-hour talk is normal for two people with busy worlds. Friends do that too, and it is just normal.

I am convincing myself with that.

But you know, there is something about that voice. Yes, your voice.

Truth be told, it makes me sleep in tranquility.

I have never loved such voice that I would have treasured so dearly.

I mean, I know you are not a singer and you have your own tone.

But, every word that is sprouting out of that mouth of yours is indeed a reverberation of assurance for me.

I wish you could tell me about your feelings soon.

With that sunshine voice of yours, I wish to hear the words I long desired to hear.

I will be waiting, hon.

See you outside, please.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of sweetpeas that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series #6:

"You are perilous for me, but you're the solitary star I devotedly think the world of. If that is indeed unseemly, then not a soul could ever unravel what this affliction is like."

~

Story:

One night of July.

I just thought about something once again. I am rough to invest about anything but if it is about you, no second-guessing is needed.

I want to give you gifts with the symbolisms I know you will never receive or fathom.

You just don't understand how much you mean to me. Like, I think you are the only person I have loved in ways I never loved anyone else.

All these feelings have been said to you already, just encrypted, but I know you received it.

You spend most of your free time with me. I am flattered, but it just could not answer the questions inside my brain.

That is why I am in danger. Toxic thoughts plant in my mind, even though you are doing nothing.

I think that is the point. You are doing nothing and I am expecting something. How would I stop this feeling?

A confession won't do.

Pretend as friends hurts.

Escape away and try to move on, again?

Guess I am heartless without you. It is tried and tested.

I hope you get this;

You are the one I really want and if that is really so wrong, then nobody knows what this feeling is like.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of yellow irides that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series #5:

"Do never pursue a dead man. An avalanche of sentiments will shortly begin to roll and an Armageddon of tears will soon begin to fall. His heart is thus far jet black as it could get."

~

Story:

One night of June, I cannot put myself to sleep, again.

For more than a year we did not talk, I am too sure I miss you so much already.

It's not like it's been different to other months that had passed but, just to not think about you, I will play a game.

I was invited by a friend. I was astonished to see your name in the party too.

I can feel the Ragnarok striking in my body. I was shaken. I was just forced into place. Hence, we proceed.

We all enjoy that night as we must.

You talk to me first, so energetic like nothing had ever happened.

You talk to me so jolly that it is obvious that you missed me too.

That was all it took. My heartbeat thumps until now.

But, weeks and months after that...

You suddenly became cold, again. The casual you.

You provided that blue ambience, again. The casual you.

You showed how problematic you are in communication and relating to other people. The casual you.

I have thought of these as things that would want me to hate you.

But what else can I do?

You make the perfect you.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of snowdrops that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series No. 4

"There's this mode parents grin at their kids when they fancy something they're never going to acquire. Maybe that's how the Universe grins before me 'bout you."

~

Story:

One night, I was in the bed already, thinking thoroughly about my life again.

Just to inform you, I have never been sure about anything in my life but you. You are the only thing I wanted so dearly.

Again, I accept it already. I get it.

Maybe I am just sentimental now or maybe I really love you that much.

Then I realized, to accept is different to surrender.

Then I remembered, you said it simply but to a common friend— that that was all platonic. That message never reached me.

It was then after two years, unpacking the baggages by a friend's initiative of checking on me. I knew and received the message.

I cried for days. Why didn't you just tell me directly? I bet you just don't care enough.

Again and again, I accept it already. I get it.

But what would I do, I hope I could just redo stuff and love again.

Maybe I am still hoping after all these years.

I can't ask you directly because I am hurt and I am afraid.

I can't tell you everything because you are just not confrontational.

Here I am, crying again to sleep.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of blue roses that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series No. 3

"Once emptied this mind clutter out, I fathomed out that my sole proclivity is a thought form of you. The deft hand of this subconscious mind makes me dance on air by just discerning your mere pith."

~

Story:

One night, I was able to do all of my routine already; the skin care, pet check, look over the home and siblings and my shenanigans.

It was more than an hour already to my expected time of sleep.

I thought of you. Just like the other nights.

But something is different in this night since I was tempted to look on my stock images of you.

I did not know where it leads, but I just smiled and there, I felt the real happiness of that very long day.

And here is my heart breaking again.

As I look upon that entrancing face of yours, my left eye shed a tear.

I accept it already. I get it.

This ship could never sail because there are so many factors to be considered.

Plus, it is not clear to me what's your takeaway on this and what you are willing to consider.

I just want you to know, you are my dark star. You are more than enough and you deserve all the good things in life.

If you will not be getting it from me, so be it.

I love you and I think I will just have the prerogative to think of you.

To think about you in all ways possible.

At least, I experienced peace.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of water lilies that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series No. 2

"Anything just to evade that course, it spurts out all-out so lame. It is an incredibly plain sailing for you. Effervescently frightened, I could drown in my sloppiness. Again."

~

Story:

One night, my family wasn't home and the loneliness triggers me to call my favorite person.

But, No! As much as I want to, I must not.

My mind and heart keep on playing a game about force—push and pull.

I just know that this is easy for you. I am not sure though, but based on my perception, I am the only one hurting. It is so painful and I hope you know.

In my subconscious mind, I am afraid I might land on miserable things I set up for myself, again. So, I will not call.

Minutes later, I called. I heard your voice. We talked and laughed.

You always poke fun at me. It is not that I get irritated because I don't like it. But more like; please annoy me more and then woo me.

Just like the old times. I would really love that.

You are so different when talking to me alone.

I always desire to hear something from you and I don't know what it is.

Just like our other calls, it always ends awkwardly.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of begonias that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Good Night Series No. 1

"With his interminable capacity for phantasm, he entreated, if such relentless indifference might not be a subterfuge for stashing the misery of unrewarded endearment."

~

Story:

One night, I told myself that if you could just send me a message I promise to never let you down.

My phone vibrated, I am settled that I would not entertain anyone but you.

Texts written, "Are we gonna do it today?"

I responded quickly, "Yes. I am in here already."

We lead a night of excitement and my small talks are just in for short breaks as if you are confining that habit.

You really showed how talented you are in this type of activity. I loved and love doing it with you. Sparks fly through my body.

It lasted for hours just before we realize the night has already passed.

I messaged, "Good Night!"

I waited for minutes. No avail to your precious reply.

My heart is happy. My mind is melancholy.

I threw up a gathering of red asters that night.

Responsorial Poem:

You're just so good,

It is just so bad.

And I just hope you could...

Hana Haki-Byō, n.

Direct Translation (Japanese): Flower Vomiting Disease

Definition:

It is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear. (Read more @ fanlore.org)

~