astrid thomas

“I knew you were way too good for him from the start anyway.” Vera shrugged it off effortlessly. It wasn’t like she were trying to dismiss Astrid’s feelings. No, that were the truth. She knew that Astrid was too pure and sweet for someone like him. She was the kind of girl who deserved the world. “So what do you want to do then to turn that frown around? Because you not being smiley is kinda creepy. Drink it out? Shop til you drop?”

“That’s not true.” Astrid muttered. He’d said similar words, and hearing them from Vera only made her feel worse. He was a good guy. What made her ‘too good’ for him in apparently both of their eyes? “I don’t know. I just want to sit on my couch in sweats, watch sappy romcoms, cry it out and eat ice cream. But that hasn’t really been helping, so honestly anything else would probably be fine.”

“Of course it does and that’s okay. It sucks now but you’ll get over it with time.” Vera replied. She wasn’t great at the whole being comforting thing. Her words and her tongue were often too sharp but for Astrid, she was trying. “And for the record, I’m more of a try to ignore the problem and hope it goes away type. It’s not your fault that he wasn’t man enough to admit how he really felt. Or at least, just be honest about the fact that he was wasting your time. Don’t beat yourself up because someone else was a jerk.”

Astrid nodded. It wasn’t like this perspective on things hadn’t crossed her mind, but still -- it was easier to blame herself than to admit that maybe she’d been blind to the truth. Or that he really did string her along for as long as he had. “Thank you.” A small, but sincere smile covered her lips as she let out a deep breath. “And thank you for saying what my brain just sometimes can’t accept or even comprehend. It really means a lot.”

“And you fell in love while he was getting his dick wet. It sucks but hey, at least you found out now rather than continuing to live in that awkward limbo, right?”

“I guess. It just sucks right now.” Astrid shrugged. It still hadn’t really landed. “I genuinely thought we were on the same page. That he was just scared to push through, and that maybe if I said it, he wouldn’t have to and it would be easier... Just everything makes me wonder if I’m really as a good judge of character as I thought I was, you know.”

“For the record, I was never going to say I told you so. Just that he’s an idiot.” Vera replied firmly. She knew better than that but if anything, this completely further proved why River was an idiot. 

“I don’t know, it just feels so weird that everything was good, like really good -- and then suddenly the possibility of naming what we’ve been doing a relationship and immediately it’s a no-go.” 

“Worst case scenario as in one of you died? Because you still look pretty lively to me.”

“Okay, that’s a little dramatic.” Astrid let out a breath before continuing. “I told him I loved him, and he basically told me that he doesn’t see a future for us... And please don’t say I told you so, I really don’t need any of that right now.”

“Mmm because nothing and not being in a good mood are exactly the same thing. Come on. Spit it out.”

“I brought up the whole ‘what are we doing’ conversation with River, and it came out with pretty much the worst case scenario.”

River: I don't know that I have an answer that will explain it or will satisfy at all. I just have never been a one person guy. I like meeting new people and learning new things and committing to one person is restricting and a lot of responsibility. I can't be solely responsible for someone's heart like that.

@astridthcmas​

“Why are you frowning? Aren’t you usually the happy one?”

“It’s nothing. Just not in a good mood.”

River: It isn't at all about someone not being enough. You are more than enough. You are everything someone could want. I just don't think that everyone is meant for one person.

River: I've never been someone that felt like they could or should be with one person but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the same for you.

River: I hate this but I get it.

Astrid: So does that mean that one person is not enough? Or is it something else? I don't think I get exactly what it is you want.

River: Alright what does a relationship look like to you?

River: So what? We don't talk for now?

Astrid: I don't know, just be there for each other when you need it, being committed to each other and not having to worry about whether feels the same. Basically just what we've been doing without the anxiety of not being good enough.

River: But there isn't really a way to compromise here. If there was I would do it.

River: It wasn't mean. You are allowed to lash out without apologizing. You deserve to. I know it is probably better to just let it be but I don't want to fucking say goodbye to you.

Astrid: How do you know that? We've never talked about it, have we?

River: You told me that you loved me and wanted to be with me. So even if it wasn't just going right into a relationship that is ideally what you want right? If I didn't want you to get to know me then what have we been doing with each other before now?

Astrid: Of course, but communication is always important. And so are compromises. I wasn't just going to let it come to my way or no way. I don't know, River. You tell me.

- a minute later -

River: So how can you enter into a relationship with someone that you don't even know has the same view on it as you? I can't help the way I feel about you either but that doesn't change everything. You don't know that, Astrid. You can say that now but the truth is if things end badly you don't know how you would feel.

River: It's not like I think I am some monster but yeah I know that I am not as good as you think I am. And I can never give what you need. We see relationships differently and a part of me wants to try it your way so that I don't have to put you through this but I am telling you that it isn't worth it. Why would you want to be with someone that is telling you that you would just end up being hurt? You can't want that for yourself. Even if you think there is something good here too. I don't want you to end up hating me.

River: It's not that simple. It's not like just pulling back a curtain and there it is. There is nothing about your things that could hurt me but that isn't true about me. I'm already hurting you now by trying to do the right thing by you.

Astrid: I never said it was simple. Things like this take time, but cutting me off before the curtain has even moved one bit doesn't exactly help that. That's not what's hurting me, though. The idea of you thinking you're the worst possible thing to come into my life is. You trying to push me away so I can't see all of you is. That you don't trust me to protect myself when I feel I need to is. I'm more than capable of making my own choices, and you're making them for me now by 'protecting me' from you.

River: You don't even know the bad. It's always just been good between us. And everything between us has been sincere but I definitely have given you the best parts of me. I'm a selfish person. Can you not see that now? Instead of just leaving you alone I am opening up all this up and hurting you more just because I want to talk to you.