black magic;

“I don’t know what I mean by it,” Ariadne admitted, “I just know that we can’t just be where we were before things went bad again. I’m not even sure when that was,” she paused, “We’re not strangers, we’ll never be strangers. I can’t just act like all is forgiven and be a normal couple again. You broke… me. You broke me. Nobody has ever done that,” she sighed, wincing a little in her pain and pressing buttons for more morphine, “You will always have my love but my trust for you is gone. Maybe not forever but it’s not something I give freely and you know that.”

Astra hated hearing the words Ariadne had to say. It’s not that she didn’t already know these things, but hearing them out loud cut through her like a knife. She stayed quiet for a few moments, before finally speaking. “You take the lead, and I will follow,” Astra said. “We go at your pace. Your timeline, your moves, your comfort level.” She paused. “I know I broke you. And I know you don’t trust me. I don’t entirely trust you either. Having a knife thrown at you by the love of your life definitely shakes you. So I guess we’ll have to grow and learn to trust each other again.”

“Sometimes writing it down can help us notice the patterns and figure out triggers. Or it can help to just like, release those feelings and thoughts. They’re not locked in you any more, they’re somewhere else,” she said, stating some of the ways she used journaling. But that didn’t mean Astra’s opinions on it would change. “Exactly. There is no wrong way to do it. It’s like punching something, only less violent and you have something to look at afterwards.” To show her point, Natalie dipped her hand into some bright yellow paint, absolutely soaking it before flinging it in the direction of the canvas, splattering paint everywhere. 

“I don’t need to write it down to learn my triggers, I am.. well aware of what they all are,” she said. “If they’re written down, it just makes it easier for people to learn them, and that’s not what I want.” She was talking to someone, and for now, that was all she was going to be doing. “I do enjoy violence sometimes, so perhaps punching would be good as well.” Astra cringed slightly. “This is really messy,” she said, grabbing a brush so she didn’t have to get her hand covered in paint. She dipped it in the black, before splattering it as her friend did.

“You did,” Ariadne said, “In so many ways, you were a good girlfriend but then you weren’t. You did the one thing I can’t accept or agree with and you did it twice,” she paused, “I even told why I couldn’t accept it and I don’t tell anyone why. You threw it back in my face,” they both knew this. She needed to say it though. She wnated to make sure Astra knew how much it would take to fix this.

“Maybe listen to your girlfriend for once,” Ariadne replied. It could have been a joke or a light-hearted comment regarding how often she spoke highly of the other but she couldn’t get a laugh out. She wasn’t sure if that emotionally or physically. Laughing hurt, “Destroying the grimoires is a start,” she admitted, “I just… it needs to be slow this time. Square one, maybe even further back. I can’t just pick up where we left off.”

.

“I didn’t. You don’t need to say that I was, because I wasn’t. And that thing you can’t accept is something that I’ve had burning inside for years. I know why you couldn’t accept it, and I understand why, but it doesn’t change that it wasn’t just something I could turn off like a light switch. There is a reason that I’m in therapy now, because it was at a point where it wasn’t me,” she said. She needed Ariadne to understand that.

“That’s not funny,” she said. Astra sighed. “How do you get further back than square one?” she asked. “That would mean us being strangers to each other, and I don’t.. I don’t want that. I get that we can’t go back to where we were, but I can’t just walk around and pretend like I’m not madly in love with you.”

Ariadne remained silent, just listening for a while until she mentioned what her brother had said. It didn’t surprise her. Even after everything Astra had done, Alex would be honest about what he saw, “Of course I love you,” she replied, looking at her properly now as her voice broke  as she said it, the heartache and pain clear in her voice, “I don’t think you understand how much. I have the instinct to kill supernatural beings magically infused into my DNA and living among them is one thing. I have to fight against every instinct, against every fibre of my own DNA to love you and be with you. My instincts are the one constant I’ve had even before I was a hunter, you don’t understand how hard it is to go against them, especially with my own abilities telling me that I shouldn’t. I do it anyway because you were worth it.”

“I don’t want you to die. I want you to get help and get better because you are amazing and you should feel that way about yourself,” Ariadne replied, “I can’t dive into this again head first. You made me feel like an idiot for letting you back in a second time. I need to see it,” she paused, taking a deep breath despite how much it made her entire body physically ache, “I need to see the changes. Last time, I took your word for it and look how that turned out. Despite every instinct telling me not to, I want to be with you. This is my last life and I want to spend it loving someone and being loved. This is it though. If you break my trust again - once you’ve earned it back that is - I make no promises about what will happen if you turn to darkness again. I’ve done worse to people who have hurt me than what I did to you,” it wasn’t meant to be a threat but it sure sounded like one. She had to let Astra know she was serious because she couldn’t take this again.

.

‘Because you were worth it.’ Those words were hard to hear. Did the past tense mean she wasn’t worth it anymore? Astra wasn’t sure. “I have loved you since the day I met you, and I’m sorry I’ve never lived up to what a good girlfriend should be,” she said softly.  

Astra let out a sad chuckle. “I should, but I don’t. I was good at talking the talk about myself, but the truth is? I don’t remember the last time I genuinely felt that way about myself. About life.” She nodded. “I know I did,” she said softly. “I’m not sure how to show you,” she admitted. “Or how to earn back your trust. I can’t just bring you to therapy with me,” she said with a sigh. “So unless you being there when I get rid of the dark grimoires and ingredients, I don’t know how to show you.” Astra looked at her sadly. “I know you make no promises. I had your knife for a long time after you used it, and I know I’ll have worse coming if I fuck you over again.”

“Apologies are for the deserving,” Ariadne replied, “No one asked you to apologise for me being here. You aren’t the dragons who tried to kill me. You’re just the woman I love who keeps breaking my heart,” she spent a lot of her like convincing people that she didn’t have a heart to begin with. Astra knew better and the fact that Ariadne had let her in not once, but twice, was enough to do more damage than any dragon could.

“How am I supposed to believe you?” Ariadne asked, “You promised that you would not turn to dark magic again. I warned you what would happen if you did and you did it anyway. I supported you through what was happening with your mother and you took advantage, thew it back in my face like it meant nothing,” she was rarely so vulnerable but she needed Astra to understand that this couldn’t be fixed with assurances, “I’m glad you are. I just… don’t know if that fixes us.”

.

Astra knew she was breaking her heart over and over again. “You know, my intention isn’t ever to hurt you. I know it keeps happening in the process, but breaking your heart isn’t the goal. I’m not... I’m not good at this, Ariadne. I don’t know how to love people very well, and I don’t know how to keep bad things from happening when my head goes to that dark place,” she admitted. “I acknowledge that I have broken your heart. But the times it’s happened have been as if I’m standing on the sidelines of my life, watching myself destroy everything.” She didn’t know how else to explain it. The darkness would take over, and she never knew how to stop it.

“You don’t have to believe me. Quite frankly, I don’t expect you to.” Astra sighed. “I know. And I’m sorry. There’s not much else I can say. I made a string of poor choices, and I can’t take them back.” She rubbed the back of her neck for a moment. “I almost killed myself, Ariadne, because it felt like there was no other way for me to escape all of the pain that was consuming me. I was honest with you about things I was feeling, for the most part, but I had a lot I was holding in and not letting out. And then we fought, and it reaching a boiling point. And even with the therapy, I still.. have those feelings and thoughts sometimes,” she admitted, her voice so unstable and shaky. “Like that’s the only escape. Erik can vouch for me, he was with me, and he’s the one who told me to keep trying, who told me to fight.”

Astra swallowed hard. “And your brother believes that you and I.. he think we’re good for each other. And that you love me,” she said. “I’m glad I’m getting the help. I think. But I know that there’s nothing that I or anyone else can say that can truly fix things. I’ve accepted that. I don’t expect you to come running back into my arms, as much as I wish it could be that way.”

She looked away, trying to keep her composure. “I know you’re hurting, so I can give you time. I can leave. But I need you to let me know, at some point, whether I should be fighting for the will to live, or fighting the will to live and fighting for you.” 

@astragrimsbane​

“Journaling isn’t for everyone. I try to do it for my therapy, but sometimes it makes me anxious writing out everything. Acknowledging what I am thinking and feeling means I have to deal with it and I’m not always ready for that,” Natalie explained, setting up the canvases. “But with abstract art, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. You just do whatever you want, whatever you’re drawn to. And only you really know what you’re going through.” She set up the paint and brushes next, laying out a bunch of stuff in the tarp covered empty room. “So we’re just going to throw stuff at the canvas and let it all out.”

“I hate journaling. My therapist thinks I should, but I hate it. I know what I’m thinking and feeling, I don’t see the point in writing it out on paper,” she admitted. Looking at the canvases and supplies, Astra wasn’t sure what to make of it. “I’ve never done something like this before. I just... make a mess with the paint, basically?” she asked.

“You were,” Ariadne replied, “Not by burning me. If you know me so well, you would know that killing my brother is the same as killing me,” she said. They both knew that. Ariadne wasn’t really living until Alex came along and it was clear to anyone that she saw no point in living without him. Now she had her niece and nephew to think of but still, she struggled to see a life without Alex in it, “But you’re right, I didn’t want you dead. Though I wouldn’t be apologising if I’d caused any serious damage either.”

Ariadne could only look away when she tried to make a joke. Now was not the time and she wasn’t sure there would be a time soon for her to make light of this, “I don’t hate you, that’s the problem. Even after you broke my trust again, I don’t. If I hated you, you’d be dead and no threat to my family,” she figured by the way she spoke that she no longer intended to kill Erik but that didn’t mean Ariadne believed it would never happen again. This was twice now that Astra had turned to dark magic. She finally looked back at the other woman when she admitted her wrongdoing and said she was getting help, “You’re what?”

.

"Of course you wouldn’t be. Even with minimal damage, you would never apologize. I don’t think that’s something you know how to do. Instead I’ve got a scar on my shoulder and I’m the one doing the apologizing for all of it,” she stated. “Even though all of this- this wasn’t my doing,” she said, gesturing to the other woman’s current state. 

“Please. I’m not a threat to your family anymore,” she said. “I went to do it, you know. I was right there, face to face with Erik. I was ready to do it. And in the end he was fine and was the one keeping me alive, so it’s funny how the table turn,” she said. “I even danced with him at the wedding reception.” She just stood there nervously, and she knew that it was clear just how uncomfortable she was. “I’m getting help, therapy. I’m trying to do better. And I’m not saying it’s going to fix me entirely, but it’s a start.”

Perhaps nearly dying should have been an eye-opening experience and, in some ways, it was. However, it didn’t stop the anger she felt for Astra. She loved her, she knew she did, and before her death, she had thought of her and not wanting the last time she saw her to be what it had been. She was still angry. Very few people came close to being as important as her brother. Astra did but she did not come above him. While she was glad Astra hadn’t gone through with it, Ariadne was angry that she had even thought about it knowing what that would do to her.

“If I recall, we didn’t try to kill each other before you were in the hospital,” Ariadne retorted. She didn’t spot the rose at first and could only raise an eyebrow when she did, “Is that supposed to make me forgive you?” she asked. She started to sit up but quickly gave up as pain seared through her. She fell back against the pillow and pressed the button for more morphine, “A million roses wouldn’t do that,” she muttered. She was being cruel and she knew it but she was still so angry. 

.

“Ariadne, I was never trying to kill you, you should know that,” she said. “If I was trying to kill you, I would have, just as I know that if you were truly trying to kill me, you would have.” She knew she was right. Astra burned her, sure, but if she wanted Ariadne dead, she would have done a lot more than that. And Ariadne would have hit her with the knife somewhere more lethal than the shoulder.

“Not even a million and one?” she asked, trying to make a light joke even though she knew it was not the time. “It’s not supposed to do that. I know there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. When you hate someone, that’s it, I’ve known you long enough to know that,” she said. Astra swallowed hard, and the tears she’d been trying to hold in began to fall. “I was so mad at you, for not having my back, but I never... I never thought that I’d almost lose you completely like this,” she choked out. “You don’t have to forgive me, you don’t have to love me back. I just wanted you to know that I’m trying. I hit a... a breaking point, and..” she sighed, wiping her eyes. “I’m here telling you that I’m trying. I have a therapist now. And I’m admitting to you, Ariadne, that I was wrong, and that I royally fucked up.” Admitting that she was wrong was one of the hardest things for Astra to do, but she needed to do it.

Ariadne was angry at a lot of things. She was pretty much angry at the universe for getting her here, angry at the faction for sending the dragons after her, angry that her mother had been the one to save her, angry at herself for letting her guard down for long enough to let this happen. She almost died. She had always thought she wasn’t afraid to die but faced with her final lifetime and no more lifelines if she got too hurt, she had been afraid.

Any anger she held towards Astra - who was either her girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, who knew at this point - had been pushed to the wayside. Alex was alive so she hadn’t done anything stupid yet but when she showed up at the door of Astra’s hospital room, a lot of that anger came back. The raven-haired woman had threatened to kill everything she had ever loved - almost everything. She had made her weak and she wanted to hate her for it. She scoffed which turned into a short bought of hoarse laughter, letting her head fall back against her pillow, “Come to add to your collection?” she asked, lifting her non-injured hand to gesture to the covered burns on the other side of her body.

@astragrimsbane​

.

Astra had heard about what happened from Erik, and she was scared. She wasn’t a woman who admitted fear willingly or openly, but she was now. She was scared that Ariadne would be gone before she could speak to her again. She was scared that their fight would be the last thing of her Ariadne would remember before passing on. When she heard that she was alive, she was relieved, but the fear was still present.

She loved Ariadne. It was a messed up, sometimes anger fueled, complicated love, but she loved her. She didn’t want to be without her. Approaching the hospital room and seeing her like that, Astra immediately teared up, but she blinked quickly to try and keep them at bay. “On the contrary,” she replied, setting a single red rose down on the little table next to the bed. “You and I were at odds when you came to see me after the ancestors tried to kill me, there was no way I wouldn’t be at your bedside now.”

closed starter - clary & astra ( @astragrimsbane​ )

Clary was getting a drink when she saw Astra out of the corner of her eye. “Can I help you?” she asked, bluntly. “We’re at a wedding Astra, I really don’t want to fight and cause a scene.”

Astra couldn’t help rolling her eyes. “I’m not here to fight with you, I was coming over to apologize, but if that’s too much of a scene for you, I can leave,” she stated with a shrug.

Despite being in an emotional state, Natalie was happy to see Astra. For a while, the witch hadn’t even been willing to approach her. She had been seeking Astra out. And it seemed she wasn’t angry for once, which made the vampire relieved. “Oh, I’ll be an absolute wreck. I’ll probably need a boatload of Xanax or something. Does that even work on vampires?” she asked, trying to make a little bit of a joke. “You’re not angry at me.”

“I have no idea, though I doubt it,” Astra replied with a small shrug. “You mustn’t be confused, Natalie, I’m still angry at you,” she admitted. “Sometimes I think a part of me always will be. But, I’m trying to turn over some new leaves, and so talking to you is a step,” she said. “Your boyfriend saved me from killing myself when I went to kill him. I’m no longer at his throat, we’re something of allies now. I thought you ought to know, and hear it from me that I won’t be destroying anyone.”

Erik raised the eyebrow in surprise at the other. He figured they were now on good terms but did not expect any kind of friendly gesture any time soon. However, when she explained why she was asking, it sounded more like her and it did make sense. He held a hand for her to take and nodded, “Of course. But just so we’re clear, I never went around town telling people I hated you,” he spoke with a lighthearted tone to make it clear that he has and meant no ill will towards her and never had.

Astra reached out and took his hand. “You may not have, but it was no secret to most that we weren’t on the most amicable terms. And I told everyone I hated you,” she said with a small chuckle. “But I’m.. I’m trying, Erik. I am trying to do better. I don’t know if I have what it takes, but I suppose that this is a start, right?” she asked.

@immcrtalsx​

“I can’t help it. I always cry at weddings,” Natalie declared, carefully wiping her tears on a napkin, trying not to smudge her makeup. “I know this is just a reception, so at least I’m not full on sobbing. If this was the ceremony, I would be even worse,” she explained, waving a hand in front of her face to try and dry her tears and calm down. “It just makes me so happy when others are happy. And they found their one true love and they’re going to live happily ever after… Oh god, I need to stop!”

Approaching Natalie at all made Astra nervous, but the way she was crying wasn’t helping. “I saw someone else crying over there, you’re not alone,” she said. “If this is how emotional you are at their reception, I can’t even imagine how much of a mess you’ll be if you ever get married to Erik,” she said with a small shrug.

“She’ll heal, though gaining her trust back will be harder, she doesn’t trust people easily,” he stated, “I’m more concerned about where she’s hiding out, but she insists she can protect herself.” Alex let out a soft sigh, but then widened his eyes when she admitted to thinking about killing Erik. “Okay, now I’m more concerned than before. You do realize that if you killed Erik, not only would I die, but so would Mariza, my babies, Natalie, people of your own coven.” Now he understood why Ariadne fired the first blow. “Would it have really been worth all that collateral damage?” Alex ran his hand through his hair. “Be level with me please, Astra, what’s going on? I trusted you with my sister, because I felt like I could, that you would take care of her. Is this about your mother and what we’ve talked about? You haven’t really been the same since you came to me about it.”

“I’ll never gain her trust back, which is a shame because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But I made my bed,” she said. “She’s hiding out?” Astra nodded slowly when he continues to speak. “I was aware of it. And I was still going to do it. I had the means to do it. I was going to do it.” She shook her head slowly, staring at the ground for a moment. “It’s about everything. Everything over the past year lead up to that moment, and I snapped. I was done. It felt... it still feels.. like I had nothing left to lose or live for.”

closed starter - alex & astra ( @astragrimsbane​ )

When he saw Astra, he approached her, slightly concerned but also there was an anger in him over her hurting Ariadne. “Okay, I’m going to be blunt here, what the fuck is wrong with you? I ask that out of care but also I’m pissed off that you injured my sister.”

When Alex approached her, Astra figured this was coming. She didn’t know where Ariadne was, she hadn’t seen her since that night when shit hit the fan. “Your sister injured me first,” Astra pointed out. “I was threatening her, sure, but I didn’t release the fire until she threw her knife at me.” She reached up and touched the scar that was left across her neck from her attempt to kill herself. “Is she okay?” she asked, the concern evident in her voice. “I was going to kill Erik,” she told him. “And I didn’t, and he kept me alive when I didn’t want to be. And I know I messed up, Alexandros, I am painfully aware.”