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Astarion x Reader
・❥・You bring him frogs and hedgehogs; he brings you smirks and reluctant affection.
The first time, he thought it was a joke.
Astarion was lounging by the fire, polishing his dagger with that casual elegance only he could manage, when you marched into camp with your hands cupped around…something.
“What,” he drawled, “is wriggling in your hands, darling?”
You crouched in front of him and revealed the prize with all the pride of a victorious dragon.
“A frog.”
Astarion stared. Slowly. Then blinked.
“A frog.”
You nodded eagerly. “He was just sitting by the river, and I thought of you.”
There was a pause - a long, incredulous pause - before he leaned back on his elbows, a wicked smile curling his lips.
“Of me? I can’t decide if I should be flattered or insulted.”
“He’s cute,” you argued.
“…Yes. And he eats bugs. I see the resemblance now.”
You stuck your tongue out and went to release the frog, but the sparkle of mischief in his red eyes lingered all evening.
………………
The second time was a squirrel.
You held it out like a rare treasure. “Look! He let me pick him up!”
Astarion didn’t even lower the book he was reading this time. He only peered over the top, voice smooth as silk and dripping with disdain.
“Darling, unless you intend to train a small army of rodents to do our bidding, I’m not sure what you expect me to do with that.”
“He’s soft.”
“Mm. And he probably has fleas.”
You made a face but stroked the squirrel anyway, letting it scurry back into the woods. You swore you caught Astarion watching, lips twitching as if he was holding back laughter.
………………
By the third time, you thought he’d be used to it.
You crept up behind him with your latest find - a hedgehog, balled up in your palms.
“Astarion…” you whispered dramatically. “I have a gift.”
He sighed without looking up from his dagger.
“Let me guess. A feral pig this time? A bear cub? Oh, I do hope it’s an owlbear, that would really complete the menagerie—”
You plopped the hedgehog right into his lap.
Astarion froze. He stared down at the tiny spiny ball now sitting politely on his trousers. The hedgehog sniffed, then sneezed.
A soft sound escaped him - half scoff, half laugh.
“You…are absolutely incorrigible,” he muttered. But instead of shoving the creature away, he extended one elegant finger, letting it sniff him.
“…Alright, I admit it. He’s rather…distinguished. A fine gentleman.”
“See?” you whispered, grinning. “You like him.”
“I tolerate him. There’s a difference,” he sniffed but the smile ghosting across his lips betrayed him.
………………
That night, as the hedgehog trundled off into the shadows, Astarion lingered by the fire with you, watching the sparks drift upward.
“You are an utterly ridiculous creature, you know that?”
You nudged him with your shoulder. “You kept him in your lap for almost an hour.”
He hummed thoughtfully, eyes glittering in the firelight.
“Yes, well. Perhaps I’m growing…attached. Don’t get used to it.”
The next morning, he left a single wildflower on your bedroll.
When you raised an eyebrow, he only smirked.
“Consider it a return gift, my dear. I thought of you when I saw it…though, unlike your frogs and squirrels, it doesn’t have fleas.”
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astarion having ultra shredded abs is admissible if boring because he's a mentally ill ken doll gymrat on peds, wyll having muscles is logical because he has a sword and shit even though his arms are stupidly thin and he would not be on a low body fat % like that (75kg wtf?). gale though? who does nothing besides cast spells and try to hump your leg? him and halsin can only be saved by this mod
the way this game insists on using their one same shredded asf body model for absolutely every human man gets completely preposterous sometimes because wtf is this
Oh, no that one makes sense. Elminster is canonically shredded, he had levels in fighter in older editions where multiclassing was more prominent. It was often noted in debates over which iconic D&D wizard would win in a fight that Elminster's best hopes for victory versus the likes of Raistlin or Mordenkainen was to create an anti magic zone and just hit them because he actually had a positive strength score.
“Average wizard is actually muscular under the robes” factoid is due to statistical error. Average wizard needs help to move the couch. Elminster, who took levels in fighter and wins wizard duels with his fists, is an outlier and should not have been counted.
I need someone to do a video essay-length deep dive into how 75% of the BG3 fandom fell so hard for Astarion's manipulative seductor act that they believe that's his actual personality. This man has to practice his lines and still fumbles them constantly. He flat-out says it's all a front because he believes his sex appeal is the only reason anyone would keep him around, which is tragic. When he drops the act, he becomes this kind of silly man rediscovering what it means to be himself, and what it means to both love and be loved. He says "I'm all pointy ears, love." while turning his head to show off those pointy ears. Let him be silly, let him be awkward! It's so much more authentic then him being a walking innuendo.
He has a mid charisma stat with a bonus for deception and rolled a nat 20 on all y'all.
ive never played baldurs gate 3 in my life but i just woke up from a dream where astarion had a little brother named bimbles but players fucking hated bimbles bc in the game astarion would care more about bimbles than the player so ppl started uploading videos where theyd kill bimbles and a video called “900 ways to KILL bimbles in baldurs gate 3” got like 10 million views and then bc of the backlash larian studios released a patch where astarion would kill bimbles early in the game if the player asked him too but he’d do it while shaking and sobbing in total anguish and ppl started posting videos of the scene where astarion kills bimbles with titles like “baldurs gate 3’s BEST patch”
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