Dust

I've come out to my mom, im pretty happy when people use my pronouns right, and its been a good while since i've been misgendered by someone I care about.

But sometimes I see videos of women happy that they are women and i'm jelaous?

Not at the fact that they're women, but at the fact that they are happy about it.

I never really got to feel that genuine happiness of just being a woman and loving it.

And cause i'm non-binary I wouldn't be able to feel that sort of joy if I fully transitioned to male.

Getting back into the spirit of writing is hard. It’s a difficult task to remember just how much I truly enjoy sitting down for a few hours and getting lost in my own ideas. 

It’s easy to forget how fun it is. The fact that I have the ability to create something with my bare hands. Create whole worlds, create characters that have in-depth emotions and backstory. 

I have so much power at the tips of my fingers. Writing, sometimes, comes so naturally it’s scary. I forget that sometimes. I do this so often, where I get lost in my own thoughts and my own world, and then sometimes I just get stumped. I have no idea what to create anymore, and I get lost in new ideas that never have a proper ending. A proper finish. I’m sure my brain wants to create a direct ending. I want to make beautiful characters who wander through a world that I created but it’s difficult. My mind runs at a mile a minute, constantly coming up with new scenarios. New what ifs, small changes that completely derail my line of thought. It’s like I can never pick a solid path, because I know there are so many to choose from. 

I never want to follow that one line, I want to go through all the roads. I want to experience every single outcome of the situation I made. 

“What if this character chooses her instead of him. What if, instead of running they fight. What if they were braver, what if they were weaker, what if they were jealous, what if what if what if. I can never keep one single thought running. 

I am well aware how bad this cycle is for my own creativity, but I have no idea how to get out of it. I create plotlines and small ideas that I want to finish and then one day, without warning, I find something that gives me a new idea. A song, a scene from my favorite show, words I heard someone say passively. Then all of sudden all my previous thoughts and plans just seem to vanish. With a new idea I have to focus on it until something else comes along. It never gets finished, it’s never completed. All ways a work in progress, no matter how much time I spend on that work in progress. 

But even as I complain I can’t get over the fact that a part of me doesn’t want this cycle to end. I absolutely love coming up with new ideas all of a sudden. I love that part of my brain that never seems to stop. That always has something new for me to dwell on. I adore that part of my mind. Getting lost in my thoughts and finding new stories to tell are always the best. Especially when I get a chance to share those never finished ideas. 

I want it to end, but I don’t at the same time. Isn’t that the same problem but in a different context? It never ends, there is never an end. 

But maybe that’s okay. I know I can figure out a way around it. 

Probably because I find it so difficult to trust people too.

Like there are content creators I genuinely enjoy, and I find funny and really like to watch. But I never follow them, and whenever I see them with content creators I learned to like there's something in my gut saying that I don't like them(when I do)

This happened to some of my current favorite cc's. When I first saw them join an online friend group I liked (about a year ago) I didn't like or trust them.

Now they are some of my biggest inspirations and a pretty big part of my life.

It took me about a year to get here though. Well closer to 3-5 months after finding out about them. It took me a long time to get comfortable and trust them. Even now though I know I don't fully trust them, but that's because the internet is the way it is.

Even though I know my reasons for not likening new people though I still feel so guilty. Everyone else seems to like them instantly. No one else seems to just...hate new people. I feel like some kind of judgemental asshole. I don't mean to be. I know I like the newer cc's. I know I do. But it always feels like I don't.