a soul ajar

“ what is essential to realize when facing this time period or phase that you’re going through, is that moon actually has no light of its own. So what you are currently ‘seeing’ is not entirely ontological, or true. On the Tree of Life, and in life itself, Yesod (Moon) reflects the light of Tiphareth (Sun).

This week I'm pulling a lot of 5's and 9's. But, that 9 of Cups is also coming up frequently.

This morning, my partner woke up in a bad mood for sure. He left in a huff without saying goodbye. This happens at least once a week with him, and I usually react with a confrontational attitude. Most of the time it ruins my day when he leaves that way. Today there is an odd sense of detachment there. I resisted the invitation to fight.

I HAVE had a somewhat trapped attitude, mentally. And right now I am struggling with an empty bank account and about 13 more days before getting paid.

But the one real positive thing today was that I got to spend the morning with my beloved nephew, who's just about to turn 2. Time spent with family is a good thing. Also, my mom and I talked about my money issues and she said she doesn't mind helping me out this month. Thank God.

It's 3: 00 AM, got my eyes wide shut,

I toss and turn, got the sheets untucked, You broke right in, yeah, you stole, you took, With dirty fingerprints, you no-good crook, You shatter my heart like a Tiffany glass, I knew from the start he was a thief in a mask, And now I'm alone, cleaning up this mess, There ain't nothin' left, He's just a criminal, He's just a criminal, I can't get back what he stole, He's just a criminal, Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no I hear the rain on this old tin roof, The rusty nails in the boards comin' loose, Spend my last two dollars on you, You robbed me blind and you left no proof, Poof, poof, mmm, disappear, You should be sentenced for a thousand years, You should pay me back for a thousand tears, Insulting, He's just a criminal, He's just a criminal, I can't get back what he stole He's just a criminal Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Uh, jet black coupe, I'm fresh out the projects And I can't peel off my block right now, I ain't twist my cigar yet These police might object to me flossing these fancy objects Black diamonds on the dough boy proceed to speed up my progress All kinds of hoes want to claim us, lifestyles of the thugged out and famous And my mom said don't talk to strangers so I went to the block with them bangers On the street, twisting fingers, talk that slang with the slangers Still pack my piece a piece a change, it won't change us We just some motherfucking criminals, yeah He's just a criminal, He's just a criminal, I can't get back what he stole He's just a criminal Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa, oh no Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting, ooh Insulting

Here's a fleeting thought-- I kind of resent decks that have a pregnant female represented in the World (XXI) card. I think it's because... not everyone can be that fertile woman who produces new life. Some of us secretly battle with the intense longing to be in that position. Some of us know we will never physically bear "fruit", and as I am learning on this lightning-speed  trip through my fertile years, some of us will immensely hurt over that fact.

These two cards belong to absolutely beautiful decks and I’m not putting their authors down AT ALL. I just have a different opinion of what The World card represents. 

Does anyone else feel this way? 

Tarot of the Imagination - http://www.tarotpassages.com/imagination.htm 

Major Issue: 8 of Cups

- needing to walk away from old emotions that aren’t serving you now

Minor Issue - The Fool

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pull any cards for myself today. I started to shuffle the deck (just an absent minded tidying habit) and The Empress popped out. Okay. The Empress has a strong personal meaning to me -- it wa the card that popped out of the deck the day I found out my sister was pregnant (the day she gave birth to my beautiful nephew). 

As a woman with a sex life, it always makes me question my own cycles and fertility. This year, I’ve actually cried a few times over the fact that I don’t have any children and I’m 31. I feel nowhere near healthy enough physically or mentally to handle a pregnancy now, and I fear that as I get older I’m just getting further from the mark, My partner seems ambiguous though he speaks often about being happy childless. We are in agreement that as a couple, it would be irresponsible to have a child right now. 

So who says The Empress has to be about pregnancy and childbirth? Am I inserting that meaning because of past experiences when drawing this card? 

I know The Empress is about creation. So I looked at her and asked, “what are you suggesting I create?”

9 of Cups. The card of wishes granted. Happiness, having enough, satisfaction. Also knowing when enough is enough.