half a heart

Aries: You're not impulsive or hyper at all, are you? You probably just like fucking shit up. Well, good, I do, too. Let's fuck shit up together.

Taurus: You took the blue pill, yet your head is further up in the clouds than Aquarius. Damn, that's impressive.

Gemini: You're more so observant and a listener than the chatterbox you're made out to be. You only start bantering on and on when you want just as thorough of a reply. And also when you want to impress someone you admire.

Cancer: You can be the most loving human on the planet, but you can also scare the complete shit out of me if you want to. You're preciously petrifying.

Leo: You have so many interests and hobbies because your personality by itself is boring as fuck. Who gives a shit, though -- you're a hell of a lot more intelligent than the lot of all the assholes around you.

Virgo: You're really good at manipulating people whilst still making them believe you're making them do shit that's in their best interest. That's not even an insult; please tell me your secret.

Libra: You are real as hell. You don't have the time to dick around with moronic bullfuck and lies. You're honest to the point where you're actually pretty disgusting sometimes, but you manage to somehow make it fucking hilarious.

Scorpio: Why does everyone talk shit about your sign? You possess more emotional and intellectual depth than most people can fathom. You're also rather inept socially, but you probably aren't aware of it.

Sagittarius: Your sign is known both for blunt honesty and exaggerating to the point where your story bears no resemblance whatsoever to what actually happened. I like to call these combined conflicting traits "Schrödinger's bullshit."

Capricorn: You actually have quite a wit; your humor is just so dry and/or dark that everyone thinks you're always serious. (Don't stop. It's fucking golden, and you should be proud.)

Aquarius: You took the red pill. Well, actually, maybe like three of 'em. You're not really sure if you're in the Matrix or Wonderland at this point, but you don't really give two shits, considering that your (sober) imagination comes up with more bizarre things than this.