The "Lorem Ipsum" Of Everyday Life

Before ya go through this and guess the lie, I gotta say that there’s some stuff in here that might make you uncomfortable. Here’s ya warning. Anyway, here we go:

1. Junior year of college was the most tumultuous

2. For every incredibly wonderful day, I felt like I had 2x as many days feeling depressed and alone.

3. But I gotta say, living in a house with some of my coolest friends was super fun.

4. I just hoped that I didn’t “die” at some of the parties, y’know?

5. I’m still learning my “tolerance” lol

6. I don’t like those sugar-y alcohols.

7. They’re tolerable, but they always make me sick.

8. Speaking of which, there’s some things you probably wouldn’t even believe.

9. Almost like that’s the point of this whole “99 Truths, 1 Lie” game, huh?

10. There was a time where I got addicted to nicotine

11. I brought my vape wherever I’d go, cause I liked that buzz it gave me

12. I also used Tinder/Bumble much more often this year

13. I never thought I’d use it considering how much I don’t like dating apps (see “The Incident”)

14. But I gave it a try because of how desperate I was to have company

15. It sorta worked? Depending on how you’d define “worked”.

16. I met a few people off of it. It was awkward every time.

17. The first person I met didn’t even live around UIUC

18. They also assumed we were an official couple after meeting up once.

19. That ended fairly messy.

20. I did end up getting in a short relationship with someone from Tinder.

21. Again, she lived nowhere near UIUC.

22. Our first meetup ever was in a dark forest, at midnight, during the Winter.

23. Some people have told me that was a terrible idea.

24. I have to agree, but what’s the worst that could happen?

25. The possibility of disappearing without a trace? Yeah. Probably.

26. Erm, okay, the following is gonna sound like a total humblebrag, but hear me out:

27. Usually, people would love getting a lot of matches on these dating apps

28. Lately, I’ve been feeling very stressed talking to too many people at once.

29. As I said, humblebrag

29. Xander Mobus is the voice of the announcer in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

30. But here’s the thing: I don’t consider myself to be an introvert

31. Yet, I’m not a complete extrovert either.

32. At the moment, I’m thinking of two people who I’m totally extroverted with

33. Every time I’d hang with them, I crack jokes and can always do comedic “bits” that they can easily play off of.

34. At the same time, I feel like a literal “fool”

35. There was a time in high school where my friends considered me to be the “super sarcastic” type

36. Secretly, I hated it because that makes me sound like an buttface.

37. Makes me think I’m this one dude you could never have a serious conversation with.

38. I’ll always be a joke to everyone.

39. I changed that once I got to college.

40. Instead of being overly sarcastic, I tried being more extroverted and lively

41. It worked for a bit, especially in my sophomore year here

42. And now... I don’t even know what I am anymore

43. Referring to #32, I now get the feeling that I’m super annoying to both of them now.

44. I get this feeling that they no longer enjoy hanging out with me

45. I’m always concerned with how people see me

46. Strangers, close friends, family. I hope they have a good image of me in their minds.

47. Yet, I can only convince myself that I’ve got no friends anymore

48. Of course, ^that’s not true. I do have people that care about me.

49. But seeing a psychologist multiple times in the last year made the following statement true:

50. I’m in a bad headspace, and my mind is crumbling

51. I saw a social worker over summer 2018

52. It helped, but as soon as I got back for junior year, I was falling apart

53. At one point first semester, I did something that I highly warn all of you to definitely not make the same mistake I did

54. I went for a walk by myself

55. at night

56. with my headphones in

57. I ended up getting followed on my way back home by some random person

58. and I didn’t even notice until much after he started following me

59. That incident really fucked me up for some time

60. But that’s not the mistake I’m talking about

61. The real mistake is walking alone, in the dark, with headphones on for a second time

62. The reason why I did that was because I did something I never saw myself doing ever

63. I hurt myself

64. Right after it happened, I fled my house

65. I was disappointed in myself

66. I was mad at myself

67. I was at my lowest point

68. I walked with no destination in mind

69. Luckily, a very nice friend helped me out, talked with me, comforted me, and I’m forever grateful they were there for me.

70. That’s what lead me to see a psychologist while I was here.

71. That’s all I’ll say on that topic

72. Here’s something completely different: I’ve “intoxicated myself herbally” multiple times

73. A lot of times, at this point. To the point where I can’t even recall how many times I’ve done it.

74. In fact, a roommate said “when is he not high?”

75. It was a bit chilling to hear

76. I’ve also “earned” the title of “smoker of the house” by my roommates

77. On the other hand, I keep notes every time I get “herbally intoxicated”

78. I think most people think it’s weird

79. But I like to use it as a sort of... diary? or journal?

80. I think it’s funny, and memorable. At least most of the time.

81. I also sometimes write letters to people while I’m “herbally intoxicated”

82. Most of the time, it’s so that I can tell them how cool they are and how happy I am that I met them. Sound familiar? You should ask me if I have any letters for you.

83. Anyway, the following statement is a short excerpt from 4/20:

84. “Took a shower, bought I was in there longer. Shower was only 10 minutes. The future was going in slow motion. Like a light bulb memory. Maybe a flash bulb? Listened to Angel Olsen. Felt like I was flying. Time was slow. It felt nice.”

85. If I didn’t believe in parallel universes before, I definitely do now.

86. However, I definitely need to start limiting how often I “herbally intoxicate” myself.

87. Especially considering I am completely fine doing it on my own now.

88. That’s a bit worrisome to me as well.

89. Other than that, I have one more thing that I want to share.

90. It’s something that I have rarely told people because I am afraid as to how they’ll react

91. Like they won’t believe me

92. Or that I’m only “doing it for attention”

93. I have been questioning its “veracity” almost everyday

94. The only reason I’m sharing it is because I was inspired by another person who told me they did the same thing.

95. Although most of everything I’ve said has been true, the main goal was to hit 100 here

96. And I definitely will

97. Even now, I’m going to write the last thing in such a way that most people still won’t know

98. First letters of 93-82 79-90-46-97-29-27-96-91

99. Now it’s out there

100. I don’t wanna thank you for going through this entire list of 99 truths, 1 lie. Please lemme know when ya get here so I can send you a funny meme. Or a song recommendation. I dunno something cool. See ya, and hope ya have a good day. ❤︎

A few days ago, I had the chance to hang out with one of my high school friends that lives in my hometown. We saw Captain Marvel, I got to see his cool dog, and we just did some general hangin’ out stuffs. It’s always great to hang with him, especially considering the alternative was just sitting in my room, continuously staring at my ceiling, stuck with a single thought in my head:

I don’t belong anywhere.

I’m on my Spring Break, I’m temporarily free of all my responsibilities, yet here I am isolating myself with the mentality that I’ve never felt like I’ve ever belonged to a “friend group”. It’s as if I’m always treated as the black sheep, the outlier, and especially the weird one. I’m not personable enough to be just... normal, I guess.

I’m at school, and I realize how much I yearn to get away from it all, thinking that I can relax just fine in my hometown over break.

I’m back in my hometown, and I realize how much I wanna go back, thinking that I’m so far away from my school friends, and I’m stuck in my room with only my echoing thoughts.

Now, I do have cool and wonderful friends (and I hope they don’t consider this whole post to be some sort of attack or something), but I’ve slowly been noticing that I’m fairly dissimilar to them. Sometimes, it’s just one thing that differentiates myself with a friend group, and it ends up making all the difference as to how the dynamic plays out.

I sincerely wish I knew how to end this post on a good note (especially if it might be some people’s first time reading a post from myself), but I just can’t think of a way to do it at the moment. And after reading all of this, it’s very incoherent and it just doesn’t flow well. I think that’s exactly how my thought process has been recently. I mean, these past few weeks haven’t been the kindest to me, and it feels like each week I’m being dealt another punch right in my gut. The depressive and intrusive thoughts are hitting me in full force, day by day, and all I can do to stop them is... well. that’s where I’m lost.

Finally, I really don’t mean this in a sarcastic or ironic sense, but I sincerely hope you had a good day today. Hope tomorrow for you will be even better.

Hi, I doubt many people will be reading this, but that’s okay. Also, I hope ^that title doesn’t give you much worry, but it fits the story I’ll be telling in a second. Anyway, here is a short insight into where I was in my life from a few months ago to the current:

Back around Fall 2016, I was going out with my ex-SO at the time, and once, we were talking about our favorite songs we’d recommend to each other. At this point, I really wanted to open up about myself and finally stop hiding who I truly was. The song, “How to Disappear Completely” by Radiohead, came to mind, and I’ll have you know that it’s certainly one of my favorite songs off of their whole discography. Now, if you don’t know the song, take a listen and come back here... Back? Well, what’d you think? Slow, somber, eerie? Exactly. After my ex had listened to it for the first time, she thought it was really odd that I would recommend a song as “saddening” as it was. I’m guessing she expected something more lively, but again, I just wanted to see what they’d think of the “real” me.

Now let’s fast forward a bit to the end of 2016, and things were getting rough. Arguments were happening more and more frequently, and we were becoming less happier to talk to each other. For the both of us, it seemed like the inevitable end was looming straight above our heads.  We sometimes found ourselves talking about just breaking up then and there, and when we did have those conversations, I let her know of what I think will happen when we do go our separate ways. I didn’t want to be a burden, or end with any bad blood, but I knew from past experiences that sticking around and continuing our relationship just as friends is almost impossible. And so I told her.

I told her how I’d disappear completely.

As I said earlier, that previous Radiohead song I mentioned may sound depressing on all ends, but I swear to you, it’s about finally freeing yourself from something that just isn’t meant to be. The song’s features the anxiety and heavy feelings a person gets when they seem helplessly stuck in a situation, but that’s the true beauty of it.

But back to our story, my “disappearing act” would begin with a break-up, and again, at the time, it could’ve happened at any second.  However, I also wanted to end on good terms, and well... kind of. Afterwards, I let her know about how we would (should) really stay away from each other.  No contact. No social media. Nothing, unless it was truly necessary. Essentially, acting as if I never existed.

As if I was just part of their past. As if I could be forgotten in an instant.

Now imagine having this thought process almost once a week. I truly never mean any harm to anyone when I tell them about this “disappearing” thing, but I guess I tell myself that it’s the one last benefit I try to give them before saying goodbye one last time. And sure, it may sound depressing, or it sounds like a tortuous way of handling my problems, but as Thom Yorke simply puts it: “I’m not here.”