Ask the Improbable Investigators

WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT THEM? I THINK THEY ARE COMPLETELY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, NO FOOLING, BATSHIT INSANE. AND ALSO AWESOME. I MEAN, STORMCHASING'S CRAZY ENOUGH WHEN YOU DO IT ON THE GROUND. BUT IF YOUR TRUCK GETS BANGED UP OR ROLLED OR WHATEVER, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA DIE. YOU TRY THAT SHIT ON A PLANE AND IF YOU GET UNLUCKY YOU GET DEAD.

RATHER. THEN AGAIN. IT'S WORTH NOTING THAT THEY HAVEN'T GOT DEAD. EVEN THAT HORRIFIC FuCKING FLIGHT INTO HuGO DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY. DAMN GOOD FLYING. DAMN GOOD AIRPLANE. AND A LOT OF LuCK.

IT WERE ME, I'D HAVE GONE TO DRONES AS SOON AS THIS WAS EVEN REMOTELY FEASIBLE. BUT APPARENTLY NO, THEY'RE STILL DOING IT BY HAND, AS IT WERE. AND THE DATA THEY BRING BACK IS OF VITAL IMPORTANCE, I KNOW, I KNOW. JUST..."HEY, YOU WANT TO FLY A PLANE INTO A FUCKING HURRICANE" IS NOT A QUESTION I WOULD CONSIDER TO BE SANE.

IT LOOKS AMAZINGLY COOL THOuGH. LOOK AT THOSE PICS FROM INSIDE THE EYES. I WANT TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE INSIDE OF A TORNADO, NOT THAT ANYBODY EVER WILL.

OH MAN, YOU USED TO HEAR ALL KINDS OF SHIT BACK IN THE DAY. I LIKED ONE ANNOUNCEMENT A PILOT MADE ON A DELAYED DEPARTURE WHERE HE WAS LIKE "WE'RE GONNA FLY THIS THING LIKE WE STOLE IT AND TRY TO MAKE UP SOME OF THE TIME." COMING INTO A HOLD OVER LAGUARDIA ONCE WE GOT "AND FOR THOSE OF YOU NASCAR FANS ON BOARD, WE'RE GOING ABOUT 225 MILES AN HOUR, GOING FAST AND TURNING LEFT."

YOu SOMETIMES GET SOME GOOD ONES. ON LONG HAuL FLIGHTS. WHERE THERE'S A DEADHEADING CREW ON BOARD. LIKE "PLEASE DON'T FEED THE FLIGHT CREW MEMBERS, THEY MAY BITE."

PASSING OVER LANDMARKS, TOO. "WELL FOLKS, FOR THOSE OF YOU ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE AIRCRAFT, YOU CAN SEE THE GRAND CANYON, AND DON'T WORRY FOR YOU FOLKS ON THE LEFT SIDE, IN ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS WE ARE GOING TO ROLL THE AIRPLANE UPSIDE DOWN SO YOU CAN ENJOY THE VIEW OF THE GRAND CANYON ALSO." SOUTHWEST'S KNOWN FOR ITS SAFETY BRIEFINGS, AND I GOTTA SAY IN GENERAL THEY CAN BE PRETTY CHUCKALICIOUS.

THE TINY COMMuTER PLANES ARE uSuALLY MORE LAID-BACK. BuT IN THE ERA OF HOMELAND SECuRITY. FuNNY IS NOT ADVISED.

THERE'S ALL THOSE CLASSIC LINES FLOATING ROUND THE INTERNET THAT PROBABLY NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE, LIKE "DID WE LAND OR WERE WE SHOT DOWN" OR "PLEASE REMAIN SEATED WHILE CAPTAIN KANGAROO BOUNCES US TO THE GATE." MY FAVORITE APOCRYPHAL STORY IS THE PILOT WHO LEFT HIS MIC KEYED -- POSSIBLY ON PURPOSE -- AFTER THE STANDARD BRIEFING AND SAID TO THE GENERAL AMUSEMENT OF THE CABIN CREW "THAT OUGHT TO HOLD THE LITTLE BASTARDS FOR A WHILE."

I LIKE THAT CLASSIC EPISODE OF "HOW TO IRRITATE PEOPLE." CLEESE AND CHAPMAN IN A COCKPIT ALL LIKE "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THERE IS ABSOLuTELY NO CAuSE FOR ALARM." "THE WINGS ARE NOT ON FIRE."

OH MY GOD YES. "PLEASE REMOVE THE LUGGAGE FROM THE RACKS ABOVE YOUR HEADS AND PLACE IT ON THE RACKS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AIRCRAFT."

AH YES. THE ETERNAL DEBATE OVER LOW VERSuS HIGH WING RAISES ITS HEAD ONCE AGAIN.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF FACTORS THAT GO INTO AIRCRAFT DESIGN. YOU HAVE TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHAT YOU PLAN ON USING THE THING FOR--DO YOU WANT IT TO BE REALLY FAST OR REALLY FUEL-EFFICIENT, DO YOU WANT IT TO HAVE STOL CAPABILITY, DO YOU WANT IT TO BE EASY TO LOAD AND UNLOAD, DO YOU WANT IT TO BE ABLE TO CARRY THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF STUFF, DO YOU WANT IT TO BE EXTRA SUPER STABLE, AND SO ON. A LOT OF THESE CONTRADICT EACH OTHER, SO YOU GOTTA COMPROMISE. AND THE B-52'S JOB IS NOT THE SAME AS A COMMERCIAL JETLINER'S JOB.

WITH A LOW-WING DESIGN. THE FuSELAGE RESTS ON THE WING SPAR. THE WING BOX GOES THROuGH THE CARGO COMPARTMENT. IN A HIGH-WING DESIGN. THE FuSELAGE HANGS OFF THE WING SPAR/BOX. AND EITHER THE BOX SITS ABOVE THE FuSELAGE. AND CREATES DRAG. OR IT GOES THROuGH THE PASSENGER SECTION OF THE PLANE. AND TAKES uP SPACE IN AN INCONVENIENT FASHION.

YOU ALSO HAVE TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION SHIT LIKE WHERE YOU WANT THE GEAR TO GO. IS IT BODY GEAR OR WING-MOUNTED GEAR. IN A HIGH-WING DESIGN YOU DO HAVE BETTER GROUND CLEARANCE ON THE ENGINES, SO IT'S MORE SUITABLE FOR SITUATIONS WHERE YOU'RE BUMPING ALONG ON UNEVEN GROUND AND DON'T WANT TO RIP YOUR ENGINES OFF. PLUS, HIGH-WING PLANES ARE EASIER TO LOAD AND UNLOAD. COMMERCIAL JETS ARE DESIGNED TO GET A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE FROM POINT A TO POINT B IN RELATIVE COMFORT, TAKING OFF AND LANDING ON NICE FLAT WELL-MAINTAINED RUNWAYS. NOT THE SAME SPECS AS A BOMBER OR CARGO TRANSPORT.

I THINK LOCKHEED DID TRY TO GET CIVILIAN OPERATORS INTERESTED IN BuYING THE C-141 STARLIFTER. BuT NOBODY WAS BITING. DuNNO IF BOEING EVER GOT THE C-17 CERTIFIED FOR CIVILIAN uSE.

THIS TRANSATLANTIC THING REALLY KIND OF BLOWS, I DO HAVE TO SAY. THE PLAN IS FOR ME TO MOVE AGENCIES AND GET A JOB WITH THE AAIB, ON ACCOUNT OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE THING, PLUS HIS HOUSE IS WAY NICER THAN MY APARTMENT. IT IS A VERY, VERY SLOW PROCESS. IN THE MEANTIME WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME FLYING AROUND THE WORLD ON VARIOUS ASSIGNMENTS AND CROSS PATHS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, AND GRAB A FEW DAYS OFF TOGETHER ON EITHER SIDE OF THE POND WHENEVER WE CAN.

WHICH IS TO SAY. LAST WEEK. SCHIPHOL.

MAN, I LOVE SCHIPHOL. THAT'S WHERE WE MET BACK IN THE NINETIES. I WAS IN THE BAR YELLING ON THE PHONE ABOUT THAT FUCKING WING ICING THING ON THE MD-81, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT WENT DOWN NEAR STOCKHOLM IN 91. I TOLD THEM THAT'S WHAT IT WAS MONTHS AGO BUT DID ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME? THEN THIS TALL SKINNY GUY WITH A PERMANENT SCOWL IS DRINKING SOMETHING PINK AND STICKY WITH AN UMBRELLA IN IT AND HE GOES IN THIS UNBELIEVABLY SMOOTH BRITISH ACCENT "EXCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SAS 751?" AND I'M ALL "WHO THE FUCK'S ASKING?" AND HE FLASHES HIS CREDENTIALS.

THAT'S NOT ALL I FLASHED.

THAT WAS A BIT LATER. AFTER WE'D BOUGHT ONE ANOTHER SEVERAL ROUNDS.

BuT YES. SCHIPHOL HAS FOND MEMORIES FOR uS. THE CITIZEN-M HOTEL IN PARTICuLAR HAS SEEN RATHER A LOT OF uS OVER THE YEARS. GOOD TIMES.

MAINTENANCE!

SPECIFICALLY. A SHIT JOB OF REPAIRING THE AFT PRESSuRE BuLKHEAD. AFTER A TAILSTRIKE ACCIDENT.

YOUR BASIC JETLINER IS A LONG PRESSURIZED TUBE WITH WINGS, POINTED AT ONE END WHERE THE DRIVERS SIT, AND TAPERED AT THE OTHER END WITH A TAIL ON IT. INSIDE THE TAPERED CONE OF THE TAIL IS A DOME-SHAPED PRESSURE BULKHEAD WHICH FORMS THE BACK END OF THE PRESSURIZED TUBE. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THIS BULKHEAD DOES NOT GET FUCKED UP IN ANY WAY.

YOu HAVE PROBABLY NOTICED. THAT WHEN YOu ARE IN A BIG JET TAKING OFF. THERE IS A HORRIBLE MOMENT JuST AS YOu ROTATE WHERE YOu ARE CONVINCED THE TAIL IS GOING TO HIT THE RuNWAY BEFORE YOu GET AIRBORNE. THIS VERY RARELY HAPPENS. BuT IT CAN AND DOES.

IT'S CALLED TAILSTRIKE FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON. IN THIS CASE THE ACCIDENT AIRCRAFT FLARED TOO SHARPLY ON LANDING AND DAMAGED ITS TAIL, BENDING THE LOWER HALF OF THE BULKHEAD. BOEING TECHNICIANS GOT SENT OUT TO FIX IT, AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT RIGHT, THEY APPARENTLY LOST THEIR FOOL MINDS FOR A SHORT STRETCH OF TIME. THE BULKHEAD'S MADE OF LOTS OF TAPERING PLATES MEETING IN THE CENTER, KIND OF SHAPED LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED PARACHUTE CANOPY. THE REPAIR BASICALLY REPLACED THE LOWER HALF. WHERE THE OLD AND NEW PARTS OF THE BULKHEAD MET, THEY DIDN'T QUITE FIT, SO THE GUYS PUT IN WHAT'S CALLED A SPLICE PLATE. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FASTENED WITH THREE ROWS OF RIVETS, BUT INSTEAD OF ONE PLATE WITH THREE ROWS, THEY PUT IN TWO PLATES, ONE WITH ONE ROW, ONE WITH TWO. MEANING THE REPAIR WAS ONLY ABOUT 70% AS STRONG AS IT OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.

NOBODY NOTICES THIS DISCREPANCY. THE PLANE IS PuT BACK INTO ACTION. AND GOES ON TO SuRVIVE SOMETHING LIKE TWELVE THOuSAND TAKEOFF-LANDING CYCLES. OVER THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. I THINK THEY CALCuLATED THE BuLKHEAD WAS LIKELY TO BLOW AFTER ONLY TEN THOuSAND.

PRESSURIZING AND DEPRESSURIZING, AS WELL AS THE CHANGE IN EXTERIOR PRESSURE AS YOU CLIMB AND DESCEND, PUTS STRAIN ON THE WHOLE PRESSURE VESSEL INCLUDING THE BULKHEAD. IT'S DESIGNED TO TAKE THIS PRESSURE, BUT IF THERE'S A WEAK SPOT WHERE SOME NUMBSKULL DIDN'T DO HIS RIVETING CORRECTLY, THAT WEAK SPOT WILL EVENTUALLY FAIL AND TAKE THE REST OF THE BULKHEAD WITH IT. ALSO THE TAIL. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED.

WE'VE TALKED A LOT ABOuT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE TAIL. LIKE WHY IT'S SO CATASTROPHIC WHEN A TAIL-MOuNTED ENGINE BLOWS. OR WHY THE HORIZONTAL STABILIZER JACKSCREW IS A VITAL CHuNK OF ENGINEERING. IT'S BECAUSE THE PLANE IS uNCONTROLLABLE WITHOUT THE FLIGHT-CONTROL SuRFACES OF THE TAIL.

IT'S NOT JUST THERE TO HAVE THE AIRLINE'S LOGO ON IT. THE BIG TALL PART IS THE VERTICAL STABILIZER AND RUDDER, WHICH CONTROL AND CHANGE YAW, OR SIDE-TO-SIDE MOTION. THE FLAT STICKY-OUT PARTS -- EITHER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TAIL OR AT THE TOP IF IT'S A T-TAIL CONFIG -- ARE THE HORIZONTAL STABILIZERS AND ELEVATORS WHICH CONTROL AND CHANGE PITCH, OR NOSE UP OR DOWN MOTION. THE AILERONS ON THE WINGS CONTROL ROLL. WITHOUT YOUR TAIL, YOU CANNOT STEER THE PLANE. LOSING PART OF YOUR TAIL IS LIKE HAVING THE STEERING COLUMN IN YOUR CAR BREAK: YOU'RE NO LONGER ABLE TO CONTROL WHERE YOU ARE POINTING.

AT SIOuX CITY. THEY WERE ABLE WITH CONSIDERABLE EFFORT AND LuCK AND TEAMWORK TO STEER THE PLANE. uSING DIFFERENTIAL THRuST ON THE TWO REMAINING ENGINES. THERE REALLY ISN'T AN AuTOMOTIVE ANALOGuE. uNLESS YOu WERE TRYING TO STEER BY INDIVIDuALLY BRAKING YOuR LEFT OR RIGHT WHEELS. THAT THEY WERE ABLE TO RETuRN TO THE AIRPORT AT ALL IS AMAZING.

DAMAGING OR LOSING PART OF YOUR TAIL ALSO PRETTY MUCH RIPS UP THE HYDRAULICS THAT ARE USED TO RUN THE REST OF THE CONTROL SURFACES SUCH AS THE ONES ON THE PLANE'S WINGS, SO YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK THERE TOO. WHAT HAPPENED WITH JAL 123 WAS THE PRESSURE BULKHEAD BLEW, LETTING PRESSURIZED CABIN AIR RUSH THROUGH INTO THE EMPENNAGE -- THE TAIL SECTION BEYOND THE BULKHEAD -- WHICH RIPPED THE EMPENNAGE APART AND TORE THE VERTICAL STABILIZER AND RUDDER RIGHT THE HELL OFF, DESTROYING ALL FOUR OF THE HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS IN THE TAIL. THERE GOES YOUR FLIGHT CONTROL CAPABILITY, BOYS AND GIRLS.

THE CREW KNEW SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAD HAPPENED. BuT NOT WHAT. ALSO EVEN THOuGH THEY'D HAD EXPLOSIVE DECOMPRESSION THEY APPARENTLY DIDN'T DON THE OXYGEN MASKS AT ONCE. FOR SOME REASON. MEANING IT'S POSSIBLE THEIR ACTIONS SuBSEQuENT TO THE DECOMPRESSION COuLD BE AFFECTED BY HYPOXIA.

THEY WERE ABLE TO KEEP THE PLANE IN THE AIR AND SORT OF STEER A BIT USING THE ENGINES, LIKE THE UNITED 232 PILOTS DID AT SIOUX CITY, BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE. THE PLANE WAS DOING A FUN THING CALLED PHUGOID MOTION WHICH IS BASICALLY NOSING UP AND THEN DOWN AND THEN UP AND THEN DOWN AND THEN UP AND THEN DOWN IN A MOVE SUPERBLY DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU HURL, PLUS IT WAS IN DUTCH ROLL MOTION -- A COMBINATION OF YAW AND ROLL. IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE THE WORLD'S MOST FUCKING HORRIBLE ROLLER COASTER FOR THE PEOPLE ON BOARD DURING THE HALF AN HOUR BETWEEN THE BULKHEAD FAILURE AND THE TIME THEY HIT THE MOUNTAIN.

THE AMAZING THING. IS THAT ANYONE SuRVIVED. FOuR PEOPLE WERE FOuND ALIVE NEAR THE TAIL OF THE CRASHED PLANE. THE OTHER FIVE HuNDRED AND TWENTY DIDN'T MAKE IT.

MORAL HERE IS DO YOUR FUCKING MAINTENANCE RIGHT, AND ALSO INSPECT YOUR PEOPLE'S FUCKING MAINTENANCE WORK SO THAT YOU CAN BE SURE IT'S RIGHT. ALSO DON'T BASH THE TAIL OF YOUR AIRPLANE ON THE RUNWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE, THAT KIND OF GOES WITHOUT SAYING. THEY DID COME UP WITH A WAY TO MITIGATE THE "ALL YOUR HYDRAULICS IN ONE PLACE" THING WHERE IF A SYSTEM IS RUPTURED A HYDRAULIC FUSE WOULD PREVENT THE LOSS OF FLUID, WHICH IS A GOOD THING.

IT ALSO RAISED THE QuESTION. OF WHETHER IT IS REALLY THE BEST IDEA TO MAKE AIRLINERS AS BIG AS YOu CAN. BECAuSE SOONER OR LATER ONE OF THEM WILL GO DOWN. AND THE BIGGER THE PLANE, THE BIGGER THE NuMBER OF DEAD PEOPLE. THE A380, FOR EXAMPLE. CAN CARRY uP TO EIGHT HuNDRED-SOME PEOPLE. ALTHOuGH I THINK THEY GENERALLY STICK TO 544.

544 IS STILL A LOT OF DEAD PASSENGERS. SO IS 520. JAL 123 STILL HOLDS THE RECORD FOR SINGLE DEADLIEST AIR CRASH IN THE WORLD EVER, WHICH LET'S HOPE NOBODY BEATS THAT ANYTIME SOON.

OH MY GOD. OH. MY GOD. HE'S SEEN IT FIVE TIMES NOW. I THINK HE KNOWS ALL THE DIALOGuE. NOT THAT THERE IS MuCH.

LOOK WHO'S TALKING, MISTER "I LIKE TO YELL WITNESS MEEEEE EVERY TIME I MAKE IT THROUGH A YELLOW LIGHT."

WHAT CAN I SAY. I AM uTTERLY SHINY. MY ALBEDO IS BEYOND COMPARE.

AND YOU DRIVE A 2003 PEUGEOT. THAT IS THE VEHICULAR DEFINITION OF MEDIOCRE. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY SKULLS STRAPPED TO THE FRONT.

THEY'RE THERE IN SPIRIT. SPIRITuALLY MY CAR IS COVERED WITH SKuLLS. SKuLLS EVERYWHERE. I DON'T SEE YOUR DAILY DRIVER WINNING ANY SKULL CONTESTS EITHER, BY THE WAY.

THEY FALL OFF ON THE BELTWAY AND CAUSE A HAZARD TO OTHER MOTORISTS. ANYWAY I HAVE A BUMPER STICKER THAT SAYS "I AM AWAITED IN VALHALLA," SO THERE. WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

POSTAPOCALYPTIC AIRPLANES, YES OR NO.

AHA. THIS WAS THE PREMISE OF THE TERRIBLE FILM SLIPSTREAM WHICH IS WORTH WATCHING JUST TO SEE BOB PECK PLAY THE HELL OUT OF AN ANDROID SEARCHING FOR MEANING IN A WORLD GONE MAD. YOU CAN IGNORE BILL PAXTON AND MARK HAMILL GURNING IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE FLIES TERRIBLE POSTAPOCALYPTIC AIRPLANES BECAUSE THE JET STREAM HAS SOMEHOW COME WAY THE FUCK DOWN CLOSE TO THE GROUND OR SOMETHING. IT'S PRETTY BAD.

THE SAME PROBLEMS APPLY FOR PLANES AS THEY WOuLD FOR GROuND-BASED VEHICLES. PARTS AVAILABILITY. METAL FATIGuE. THE DIFFICuLTY OF POWERPLANT MAINTENANCE IN A RESOuRCE-LIMITED SETTING. AND THEN YOu HAVE THE DIFFICuLTY OF SOuRCING APPROPRIATE FuEL. AVGAS AND JET-A ARE NOT THE SAME AS WHAT YOu PuT IN YOuR CAR.

I'M GUESSING THE WAR BOYS WEREN'T INTO LONGEVITY IN THEIR DESIGN CONCEPTS. MAKING IT RUN FAST AND HARD RATHER THAN MAKING IT ABLE TO GO ON RUNNING FOR SEVERAL YEARS OF USE MEANS YOU CAN BE A BIT MORE CAVALIER WITH YOUR POWERPLANT. BUT A CAR HELD TOGETHER WITH SPIT AND BALING WIRE ISN'T GONNA KILL YOU WHEN IT THROWS A ROD -- PROBABLY -- WHEREAS A PLANE THAT'S SUDDENLY AN ENGINE-FREE ZONE IS NOT SOMEWHERE YOU WANT TO BE.

CANONICALLY. THERE ARE ABSOLuTELY POSTAPOCALYPTIC AIRPLANES. REMEMBER JEDEDIAH'S TRANSAVIA AIRTRuK FROM BEYOND THuNDERDOME. AND THE AuTOGYRO FROM ROAD WARRIOR. BuT I'M THINKING THEY'RE NOT ANYWHERE NEAR AS COMMON AS GROuND VEHICLES. FOR THE REASONS WE'VE JuST STATED.

THOSE THERE ARE, ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY GONNA BE REAL SIMPLE DESIGNS, THE KIND OF PLANE USED FOR CROP DUSTING OR BUSH FLYING, SOMETHING THAT'S RUGGED AND RELATIVELY EASY TO FIX WHEN IT GOES WRONG, SOMETHING THAT CAN TAKE OFF AND LAND ON ROUGH TERRAIN. ALSO SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY STABLE AND EASY TO FLY, BECAUSE THERE AREN'T EXACTLY FLIGHT SCHOOLS DOTTED AROUND THE DESERT LANDSCAPE. YOU GOTTA LEARN FROM SOMEONE WHO ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO FLY, AND YOU GOTTA LEARN IT REALLY FUCKING FAST. THERE IS A LOT MORE TO DRIVING A PLANE THAN THERE IS TO DRIVING A CAR.

WHICH IS WHY YOu NEVER LEARNED.

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE. I'VE SEEN TOO MANY LITTLE PLANES IN PIECES TO REALLY WANT TO TRY MY HAND AT FLYING ONE. THAT'S YOUR JOB.

I CAN'T PuT SKuLLS ON A CESSNA ONE-FIFTY WITHOuT COMPLETELY FuCKING uP THE AERODYNAMICS. DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T CONSIDERED IT.

YOU COULD PAINT THEM ON. IN SHINY SILVER PAINT.

SO IT'S WEDNESDAY AGAIN. WHAT WONDERS DO WE HAVE TO SHARE WITH THE INTERNET TODAY, CALIBORN? OTHER THAN THE RECENT REVELATIONS CONCERNING THAT TRANSASIA PILOT WHO AUGERED RIGHT THE FUCK INTO A ROAD BACK IN FEBRUARY.

YOu MEAN THE ONE WHO TuRNED THE WORKING ENGINE OFF?

THE VERY SAME. TURNS OUT HE FAILED SIM TRAINING LAST YEAR ON HOW TO DEAL WITH FLAMEOUT ON TAKEOFF, AMONG OTHER THINGS! WHO'D HAVE THUNK. FRANKLY WHAT I'M SEEING MAKES IT SOUND LIKE HE WAS THE EQUIVALENT OF A DC DRIVER AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALLOWED IN THE DAMN COCKPIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I WOuLD BE INCLINED TO AGREE. "WOW, PuLLED BACK THE WRONG SIDE THROTTLE." IS LOW ON THE LIST OF THINGS ONE WISHES TO HEAR PILOTS SAY.

YEAH, LIKE "HOLD MY BEER" OR "WHAT HAPPENS IF I DO THIS."

SO LET'S TALK ABOuT SOMETHING CHEERFuL. INSTEAD.

IT'S UNCHARACTERISTIC AND BIZARRE OF US, WE KNOW. HMM. HOW ABOUT THE TIMES A TRIJET ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD IDEA? I CAN THINK OF TWO.

I SEE WE HAVE FuLLY TRANSITIONED TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

WELL, OKAY, JUST ONE TRIJET. TWICE. AND I GUESS ONE OF THEM IS KIND OF A WASH, IF YOU LOOK AT IT OBJECTIVELY.

WHAT ARE YOu GOING ON ABOuT, DARLING?

LISTEN, CHILDREN, TO A STORY, ABOUT THE LOCKHEED L-1011 TRISTAR. THIS IS ONE OF A FEW THREE-ENGINE JETLINERS THAT ARE NO LONGER IN VOGUE FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS, BUT YOU'LL STILL SEE THEM HAULING CARGO AROUND FOR OUTFITS LIKE UPS AND FEDEX. UNLIKE THE DC-10, OF SIOUX CITY FAME, THE L-1011 HAS FOUR HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS. NOT JUST THREE. SO WHEN A TRISTAR BLEW ITS NUMBER TWO ENGINE BACK IN 1981 AND SEVERED THREE OUT OF THE FOUR SYSTEMS, IT WAS STILL ABLE TO MAKE A SAFE EMERGENCY LANDING AT JFK. WHEN THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO A DC-10 IN 89, ALL THE HYDRAULICS WERE TOAST AND IT'S ONLY BECAUSE OF SOME INCREDIBLE TEAMWORK BY THE PILOTS THAT THEY WERE ABLE TO CONTROL THE THING AT ALL, LET ALONE GET ON THE GROUND WITH ANYBODY LEFT ALIVE. AS IT WAS, A LITTLE UNDER HALF OF THE PEOPLE ON BOARD DIDN'T MAKE IT.

MORAL OF THAT STORY. IS THAT IF YOu'RE GOING TO HAVE AN ENGINE STuCK THROuGH YOuR ACTuAL TAIL. IN AMONGST THE VITAL CONTROL SYSTEMS THAT MAKE YOu ABLE TO FLY THE PLANE. WHERE IT CAN REALLY FuCK uP YOuR DAY IF IT EXPLODES. IT IS WISE TO MAKE THOSE CONTROL SYSTEMS AS REDuNDANT AS POSSIBLE.

YEAH. IF I WAS GONNA HAVE TO FLY A TRIJET, I'D PICK THE L-1011. THERE ARE SOME BENEFITS TO HAVING THREE ENGINES, BUT I DUNNO, I THINK THE RISKS OF HAVING AN ENGINE IN THE TAIL OUTWEIGH 'EM. HOWEVER. LET'S GO LOOK AT EASTERN AIR LINES 855, ANOTHER INSTANCE IN WHICH THE L-1011 EARNED MY GRUDGING RESPECT. THIS ONE WAS A MAINTENANCE FUCKUP PURE AND SIMPLE, THE KIND OF ACCIDENT THAT CAN BE EASILY TRACED TO ONE SINGLE CAUSE. ON THE ONE HAND IT'S GOOD TO KNOW WHAT MADE IT HAPPEN. ON THE OTHER, IT MAKES YOU FURIOUSLY ANGRY WHEN THE REASON A BUNCH OF PEOPLE NEARLY PILED INTO THE ATLANTIC IS A STUPID GODDAMN MAINTENANCE MISTAKE.

AIRCRAFT ENGINES ARE INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE. AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT TO MAINTAIN THEM PROPERLY. ONE OF THE SAFEGuARDS BuILT INTO THEM IS A THING CALLED A MASTER CHIP DETECTOR. IT'S A LITTLE DEVICE INSIDE THE OIL FILTER OR SuMP. WHICH uSES A MAGNET TO ATTRACT TINY BITS OF METAL. IF ANY LITTLE PIECES BREAK OFF FROM THE MOVING PARTS. THEY GET STuCK TO THE CHIP DETECTOR. WHICH SENDS A SIGNAL OR TuRNS ON A WARNING LIGHT. "HEY GuYS. FIX ME."

THING ABOUT THE CHIP DETECTORS IS THAT THEY HAVE TO BE INSTALLED INSIDE THE PARTS OF THE ENGINE THAT CONTAIN THE OIL, AND BECAUSE OF THIS THEY HAVE TO MAINTAIN AN OILTIGHT SEAL. SO THE ENGINE STAYS LUBRICATED. KIND OF A VITAL POINT TO REMEMBER.

SO IF YOu FORGET. TO INSTALL THE OIL SEALS. AND ALL THE OIL LEAKS OuT. YOu CAN GuESS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE ENGINES.

YUP. SO BACK IN 1983, THE DINGLEBERRIES RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT FUCKING THIS UP GO AHEAD AND FUCK IT UP NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT ON ALL THREE ENGINES ON AN L-1011 BELONGING TO EASTERN AIR LINES. LATER IT WOULD TURN OUT THAT THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME THEY'D FUCKED IT UP; IN FACT SEVERAL OTHER INSTANCES WERE KNOWN TO HAVE OCCURRED, BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON THE GUYS IN CHARGE OF MAINTENANCE DIDN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT. SO THIS PLANE TAKES OFF FROM MIAMI EN ROUTE TO NASSAU. THEY'RE MOST OF THE WAY THERE, DESCENDING THROUGH FIFTEEN THOUSAND WHEN THEY GET AN OIL PRESSURE WARNING LIGHT ON THE NUMBER TWO ENGINE. IT'S SHOWING 8 QUARTS INSTEAD OF THE 18 IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE, AND THE PRESSURE IS DOWN TO 15 PSI FROM THE NORMAL THIRTY. CAPTAIN SAYS TO SHUT IT DOWN AND TURN ON THE APU. AT THIS POINT ENGINES ONE AND THREE STILL SEEM TO BE OKAY.

THE CAPTAIN DECIDES TO TuRN BACK TO MIAMI TO LAND. MOSTLY BECAuSE THE WEATHER OVER NASSAu LOOKS GROSS. AND THEY HAVE A DINKY LITTLE AIRPORT WITH NO RADAR AND TRAFFIC AHEAD OF THEM. HE THINKS IT'LL BE QuICKER TO JuST GO BACK TO MIAMI. ATC GIVES THEM CLEARANCE TO TuRN BACK AND CLIMB. AND AS THEY'RE BEGINNING TO ASCEND, FIRST NuMBER THREE AND THEN NuMBER ONE ENGINES THROW OIL PRESSuRE LIGHTS. ALL THREE OF THEM ARE NOW READING ZERO.

AT FIRST THEY STRAIGHT-UP DON'T BELIEVE IT, BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK ARE ALL THREE OF THEIR ENGINES OUT OF OIL AT ONCE? THEY CALL MIAMI AND ARE LIKE, HEY, SO WE GOT THIS SCREWY INDICATION, IS THERE SOME KIND OF ELECTRICAL FAULT THAT COULD BE CAUSING IT. MIAMI LOOKS IT UP AND SAYS THAT ALL THREE RUN OFF THE NUMBER TWO AC BUS, BUT THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT CIRCUIT. AND THEN FIVE MINUTES AFTER THE LIGHTS GO ON, THE NUMBER THREE ENGINE SHUTS DOWN.

AT THIS POINT THEY REALIZE IT'S ACTuALLY TRuE. THE SITuATION HAS GONE FROM FRuSTRATING TO "OH SHIT WE'RE GOING INTO THE DRINK." FIVE MINuTES AFTER NuMBER THREE. THEY LOSE NuMBER ONE. AND TELL THE CABIN CREW TO PREPARE FOR DITCHING.

THE APU IS STILL RUNNING, SO EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE NO ENGINES THEY DO STILL HAVE POWER TO THE FLIGHT CONTROLS AND INSTRUMENTS. THEY TELL MIAMI WHAT'S UP. THE COAST GUARD IS ALERTED. THEY'VE TRIED TWICE TO START UP THE NUMBER TWO ENGINE, AS WELL AS ONE AND THREE, AND GOT NOTHING. THEY ARE LITERALLY FOUR THOUSAND FEET ABOVE THE WATER, EVERYONE IN BRACE POSITION, THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN--WHEN NUMBER TWO FINALLY SPINS UP.

BECAuSE THE CAPTAIN HAD ORDERED IT SHuT DOWN. THERE WAS STILL A TINY BIT OF OIL LEFT. AND THE PLANE STOPS FALLING AT THREE THOuSAND FEET AND BEGINS TO CLIMB. THAT SINGLE ENGINE GETS THEM TO MIAMI INTERNATIONAL.

THAT SINGLE ENGINE DESERVES A FUCKING MEDAL OF HONOR, I AM TELLING YOU. IT'S SOMEHOW STILL RUNNING EVEN AFTER THEY TOUCH DOWN, BUT IT'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TAXI THE PLANE ON ITS OWN, SO THEY HAVE TO GET A TUG TO TOW THEM TO THE TERMINAL. ENGINES ONE AND THREE ARE APPARENTLY ON FIRE, OR AT LEAST PRODUCING SMOKE, BUT THE FIREBOTTLES TAKE CARE OF THAT. WHEN THEY FINALLY DO GET A LOOK AT THE ENGINES, ONE AND THREE ARE COMPREHENSIVELY AND PERMANENTLY FUCKED, AND TWO NEEDS A BIT OF WORK BUT AFTER SERVICING AND CHECKS IT SPINS UP TO TAKEOFF POWER WITHOUT A PROBLEM, ALTHOUGH TESTS INDICATED IT WAS ALMOST AT FLAMEOUT BY THE TIME THEY LANDED. I MEAN, I KNOW ROLLS-ROYCE MAKES A QUALITY PRODUCT, BUT DAMN, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

THE NTSB WAS, SHALL WE SAY. EMPHATIC. IN ITS CONCLuSIONS. HERE. "The National Transportation Safety Board determines that the probable cause of the accident was the omission of all the O-ring seals on the master chip detector assemblies leading to the loss of lubrication and damage to the airplane's three engines as a result of the failure of mechanics to follow the established and proper procedures for the installation of master chip detectors in the engine lubrication system, the repeated failure of supervisory personnel to require mechanics to comply strictly with the prescribed installation procedures, and the failure of Eastern Air Lines management to assess adequately the significance of similar previous occurrences and to act effectively to institute corrective action. Contributing to the cause of the accident was the failure of Federal Aviation Administration maintenance inspectors to assess the significance of the incidents involving master chip detectors and to take effective surveillance and enforcement measures to prevent the recurrence of the incidents."

IN OTHER WORDS. DAMN, EASTERN AIR LINES, YOU GOT TOLD.

THE MAKE OF AIRPLANE IN THIS CASE IS NOT ALL THAT SIGNIFICANT. EXCEPT INASMuCH AS LOCKHEED DID A FANTASTIC JOB OF ENGINEERING THEIR PRODuCT. TO FLY ON ONE OuT OF THREE ENGINES. YOu LOSE ONE ENGINE ON A TWIN-JET. YOu'RE STILL ABLE TO FLY. NOT WELL AND NOT EASILY. BuT YOu CAN FLY. LOSE TWO ON A TRIJET. AND THAT ONE REMAINING ENGINE HAS TO DO A SHITLOAD OF WORK.

YOU CAN FLY A TRIJET EASILY ON TWO ENGINES. SHUTTING DOWN THE ONE THAT THREW THE CAUTION LIGHT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A SCARY PROPOSITION; THE FACT THAT THEY DID SHUT IT DOWN, AND SHUT IT DOWN VERY SHORTLY AFTER THE LIGHT CAME ON, IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM LANDING ON A RUNWAY RATHER THAN THE ATLANTIC. SO IN A WAY THE TRIJET THING IS SIGNIFICANT. AT LEAST THAT'S MY ARGUMENT AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

THIS IS ALSO. ALMOST CERTAINLY. THE ONLY TIME YOu'RE EVER GOING TO SAY ANYTHING COMPLIMENTARY ABOuT TRIJETS.

AIR FRANCE APPARENTLY JUST NEARLY DROVE A TRIPLE-SEVEN FULL OF PEOPLE INTO ONE. I MEAN, ON THE ONE HAND, IT'S A SHINING EXAMPLE OF GPWS DOING ITS THING AND PREVENTING A CFIT, BUT ON THE OTHER YOU KIND OF HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT THE TRAINING PROTOCOLS.

ACRONYMS, DARLING.

RIGHT, RIGHT. "GROUND PROXIMITY WARNING SYSTEM" IS THE THING THAT GOES "WOOP WOOP PULL UP" OR "TOO LOW TERRAIN" IN THE LAST COUPLE OF SECONDS BEFORE AN AIR CRASH INVESTIGATION EPISODE GOES FROM "REENACTMENT" TO "ANALYSIS." USED TO JUST RUN OFF A RADAR ALTIMETER THAT'S LOOKING AT THE GROUND THE WHOLE TIME AND FIGURING OUT HOW FAR AWAY IT IS. THESE DAYS IT'S ALL EXTRA SMART AND TALKS TO SATELLITES AND IS KNOWN AS "ENHANCED GROUND PROXIMITY WARNING SYSTEM." AND "CONTROLLED FLIGHT INTO TERRAIN" IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

AS OPPOSED TO uNCONTROLLED FLIGHT INTO TERRAIN. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOu LOSE ALL YOuR FLIGHT CONTROL SYSTEMS. OR KEY AIRCRAFT PARTS SuCH AS THE WINGS OR TAIL.

ANYWAY, LOOKS LIKE THE AIR FRANCE DRIVER WAS TRYING TO AVOID WEATHER, WHICH, OKAY, THAT'S A THING, BUT GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO MOUNT FUCKING CAMEROON THAT YOU SET OFF THE GPWS IS PRETTY SIGNIFICANT.

HERE'S WHAT THEY SAID IN THE RELEASE: Pending the results of the internal investigation, several precautionary measures have been implemented by the company: - Additional information transmitted to the crew on the specifics of the land around Douala - The crew of this flight receives pedagogical, managerial and medical support.

WHICH BASICALLY MEANS THEY GET TORN SHINY NEW ASSHOLES. AND REMINDED "HEY, CHECK IT OUT, THERE'S A BIG-ASS FUCKING VOLCANO RIGHT THERE, EXACTLY WHERE IT'S BEEN FOR ZILLIONS OF YEARS, NEXT TIME REMEMBER THAT PART."

WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.

CALIBORN, GO FIND YOUR SKINNY FUNERAL TIE. I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE FROM NOT SURPRISE.

I'LL TAKE "SuBTLE SARCASM." FOR OVER NINE THOuSAND.

NOW THAT WE'VE GOT THE IRONIC CARTOON REFERENCE BIT OuT OF THE WAY. AT LEAST THEY FOuND THE PROBLEM QuICKLY.

OH YES, THEY ABSOLUTELY DID A GREAT JOB! WAY TO FIND THE PROBLEM QUICKLY, GUYS. WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER IS IF YOU FOUND THE PROBLEM BEFORE IT KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND WROTE OFF A ZILLION-EURO AIRCRAFT. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREEEEEEEAT.

ACCORDING TO DER SPIEGEL. "Die Nachforschungen ergaben ein deutliches Ergebnis: Kurz nach dem Start der Testmaschine hatten drei Triebwerke von den Computern widersprüchliche Befehle erhalten und daraufhin die Leistung abgeschaltet. Die Piloten, die den A400M testen wollten, hätten nichts unternehmen können, heißt es aus Airbus-Kreisen. Sie versuchten zwar noch, das 45 Meter lange Flugzeug zurück zum Flugplatz in Sevilla zu steuern, konnten es aber nicht mehr kontrollieren.Die Maschine streifte einen Strommast, schlug auf einem Acker auf und brannte fast vollständig aus." MY GERMAN IS LIMITED TO BITS OF MOZART AND RAMMSTEIN. BuT I THINK THAT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THE COMPuTERS GAVE THREE OF THE ENGINES FuCKED-uP COMMANDS. OR CONFLICTING INFORMATION. WHICH PROMPTED A SHuTDOWN OF ALL THREE SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF. YOu'RE SuPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO FLY ONE OF THESE THINGS MISSING MAYBE ONE OR TWO OuT OF FOuR. NOT THREE.

FOUR IS RIGHT OUT.

THANK YOu, DEAR. SO YEAH, THEY COuLDN'T DO MuCH OF ANYTHING. NO POWER, NO ALTITuDE, NO TIME. HIT A POWER LINE. CRASHED AND BuRNED.

SO WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, HOW COME THIS BUG NEVER SHOWED UP IN THE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS? OR IN SIMULATION OR SOMETHING? HOW DID IT GET ALL THE WAY TO THIS POINT WHERE IT KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE THE AIRBUS GUYS REALIZED "HEY THIS IS A THING"?

SOFTWARE BuGS ARE A FACT OF LIFE. YOuR PET MANuFACTuRER GOT IN THE NEWS FOR ONE OF ITS OWN. NOT LONG AGO.

YEAH, BUT YOU NOTICE THAT THE DREAMLINER GENERATOR THING IS A POTENTIAL BUG, THAT SHOWS UP ONLY UNDER LAB CONDITIONS WHICH NO PLANES HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED AND ARE VANISHINGLY UNLIKELY TO EXPERIENCE, HAS NEVER HAD AN IMPACT ON ACTUAL SAFETY, AND IS BEING FIXED NOW INSTEAD OF AFTER ANYTHING HAPPENS? I LIKE THAT KIND OF BUG BETTER.

I HATE IT WHEN YOu MAKE VALID POINTS WITH THAT PARTICuLAR SMuG LOOK ON YOuR FACE. YOu KNOW THAT.

(see Guardian article "Airbus executive to fly on A400M plane after four died in test flight crash") In my opinion, "didn't crash on this particular test flight" is not exactly a glowing endorsement. See also: politicians drinking contaminated water &c in front of cameras.

PFFFF OH MY GOD. "In a letter to staff, Airbus’s chief executive, Tom Enders, said it would 'demonstrate to our customers, the air forces, that we fully trust this great transport plane and are as committed to the programme and the further ramp up of deliveries and capabilities as ever'." CALIBORN, ARE YOU HEARING THAT IN THE VOICE OF THE DUDE COMPLAINING TO DARTH VADER ABOUT INSUFFICIENT MANPOWER ON THE DEATH STAR II CONSTRUCTION PROJECT OR IS IT JUST ME?

MOFF JERJERROD. AND YES. THAT POOR BASTARD HAS VERY LITTLE CHOICE, I IMAGINE. ALTHOuGH I'M THINKING THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE INSPECTING THE FuCK OuT OF THE ENGINES. BEFORE HE GETS ON BOARD. JuST TO MAKE SuRE THEY HAVE ALL THE BITS SCREWED ON THE RIGHT WAY ROuND.

YOU NOTICE THAT IT ISN'T TOM ENDERS WHO IS GOING TO BE GOING ON TOMORROW'S TEST FLIGHT. I DUNNO, I THINK THAT WOULD BUILD LOTS MORE CONFIDENCE THAN SENDING THE HEAD OF THEIR MILITARY DIVISION UP. "WE FULLY TRUST THIS GREAT TRANSPORT PLANE," MY LEFT ASSCHEEK.

I SINCERELY DOuBT ANYTHING IS GOING TO GO WRONG. BuT IF IT DOES. THAT'S GOING TO BE A HELL OF A PR DISASTER.

I couldn't help but think I would like to listen to your explanation/analysis once there's more data available, if you feel like doing it anytime. I know it's recent, but I've also heard there's been delays on the orders and I'm curious about this will impact on Airbus business.

YEAH, AIRBUS STOCK HAS ALREADY TAKEN A DIVE.

OH MY GOD. TELL ME YOu DIDN'T ACTuALLY INTEND THAT ONE.

I DIDN'T, AS A MATTER OF FACT. HOW ABOUT "AIRBUS SHARES HAVE DECLINED IN VALUE SINCE THE CRASH," MISTER PICKY. AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE A400M HAS HAD A STELLAR HISTORY SO FAR, EITHER, I MEAN THE FUCKING THING WAS THREE YEARS LATE ENTERING SERVICE, AND DIDN'T THEY DEMAND A BAILOUT TO SAVE THE PROJECT FROM GETTING SCRAPPED COMPLETELY?

THEY DID INDEED. TWO MILLION EuROS WORTH OF BAILOuT. IT'S BEEN WHAT I THINK THEY CALL A "TROuBLED PROJECT" ALL ALONG.

MOST COUNTRIES THAT HAVE ONE OF THESE THINGS HAVE GROUNDED THEM, OR LIMITED THEIR USE TO EXTRA SUPER IMPORTANT MISSIONS, UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT WHY THIS ONE CRATERED. SO FAR WHAT'S TRICKLED OUT THROUGH THE VARIOUS NEWS AGENCIES SAYS MULTIPLE ENGINE FAILURE SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF.

ONE OF THE ARTICLES MENTIONS THE PILOTS REQuESTING CLEARANCE TO RETuRN TO THE AIRPORT. AND THEN SHORTLY AFTERWARD. SAYING "WE AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THE RuNWAY." ANOTHER ONE SuGGESTS THEY HIT A POWER LINE ON THE WAY DOWN. THEY'VE FOuND BOTH RECORDERS. SO HOPEFuLLY SOMEBODY WILL HAVE ANSWERS SOON.

THIS THING IS SUPPOSED TO REPLACE THE HERCULES, RIGHT? BIG FAT RELIABLE MILITARY TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT, DOESN'T NEED LOTS OF RUNWAY, CAPABLE OF TACTICAL AS WELL AS STRATEGIC MISSIONS, CAN BE USED AS A TANKER. WHICH ALL SOUNDS GREAT, BUT SINCE THE HERCULES DESIGN HAS BEEN PROVEN RELIABLE AND EFFECTIVE FOR LIKE HALF A DAMN CENTURY, I'M NOT SEEING WHERE THEY NEED TO INVENT A WHOLE NEW PLANE.

SIMPLE. AIRBuS WANTED A PIECE OF THAT SWEET, SWEET MILITARY MARKET. BY THE WAY, INTERNET. IF YOu'RE WONDERING WHY A MODERN HEAVY-LIFT AIRCRAFT HAS ACTuAL PROPELLERS ON IT. INSTEAD OF JET ENGINES. IT HAS TO DO WITH THE PLANE'S ABILITY TO HANDLE SHORT RuNWAYS. ON A TuRBOPROP PLANE, THE PROPELLERS PRODuCE A LOT OF DRAG THAT HELPS THE PLANE STOP QuICKLY IF NECESSARY. WITH A JET, YOu'RE STuCK WITH JuST THRuST REVERSERS, SPOILERS, AND AuTOBRAKE TO SLOW DOWN.

ALSO, FUEL ECONOMY.

HONESTLY, THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT THE OCEAN IS REALLY, REALLY BIG. LIKE, BIG. IT IS PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE TO EXPLORE ALL THE BITS OF IT WHERE WRECKAGE COULD BE, AND AFTER THIS LONG THERE IS ZERO GUARANTEE THAT THE PLANE WRECKAGE IS GOING TO BE FINDABLE AT ALL.

THE KNOWN PARAMETERS. MAKE A HELIOS SYNDROME LOOK LIKE THE MOST LIKELY EXPLANATION FOR THE CRASH. THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY EXPLAIN WHY THEY TuRNED OFF COuRSE THE WAY THEY DID. BEFORE HEADING SOuTH ACROSS THE WATER.

I'D SAY "STOP TRYING TO MAKE 'HELIOS SYNDROME' HAPPEN," BUT IT'S WAY TOO COOL A NAME AND YOU SHOULD FINISH WRITING YOUR TERRIBLE THRILLER WITH THAT AS THE TITLE, SO WE CAN RETIRE TO BARBADOS OR SOMEWHERE AND SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES WEARING AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.

I'VE TAKEN THAT uNDER ADVISEMENT, DEAR. ANYWAY. POINT IS. FOR WHATEVER REASON. THEY WERE IN THE AIR FOR SEVERAL HOuRS. BASED ON SATELLITE HANDSHAKE INFORMATION. AND THE POINT WHERE THE HANDSHAKE STOPPED HAPPENING IS CONSISTENT WITH THE POINT WHERE THEY WOuLD HAVE RuN OuT OF GAS.

IF IT WAS A HELIOS SYNDROME--IF THEY LOST CABIN PRESSURE AND EVERYBODY ON BOARD SUCCUMBED TO HYPOXIA--NOBODY SUFFERED WHEN THEY DID GO INTO THE DRINK. THEY HAD BEEN DEAD FOR SEVERAL HOURS BY THEN.

OH MY GOD. I HAVE JuST HAD THE MOST HORRIFICALLY DISTASTEFuL IDEA. FOR A SCREENPLAY.

SIGH. OK, WHAT.

"THE FLYING DuTCHMAN." A KLM JETLINER. MYSTERIOuSLY VANISHES OVER SOME OCEAN OR OTHER. IT'S ANOTHER DEPRESSuRIZATION/HYPOXIA SCENARIO. BuT THE PLANE FuLL OF DEAD PEOPLE. WITH DEAD PILOTS. SHOWS uP ON RADARS ALL OVER THE WORLD. PASSING THROuGH. NEVER SERIOuSLY FuCKING WITH TRAFFIC. JuST AN INEXPLICABLE BLIP WITH THE TRANSPONDER OF A DEAD AIRPLANE.

FUCK. SO IS THERE A SUPER SEXY NTSB INVESTIGATOR WHO GETS WIND OF THIS WHILE WORKING ANOTHER CASE?

NO, IT OuGHT TO BE A LONER AAIB INVESTIGATOR ON THE EDGE. WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH AuTHORITY. WEARS RuMPLED TRENCHCOATS A LOT. MAYBE HE WAS BRuNG LOW BY A WOMAN.

NAH, TOO UNBELIEVABLE.

OKAY, HE WAS BRuNG LOW BY A SuPER SEXY NTSB INVESTIGATOR. HAPPY NOW?

THAT'S BETTER. ANYWAY, NO, ALIENS ARE NOT THE ANSWER HERE. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS, BUT IT AIN'T ALIENS. UNLESS THEY GOT BORED WITH FUCKING AROUND TURNING COWS INSIDE OUT AND DECIDED TO COME BACK AND PLAY "WHAT HAPPENED TO FREDERICK VALENTICH" AGAIN.

BORING. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO VALENTICH.

EASY. BA FLIGHT 9, JUNE OF 1982, ON ITS WAY FROM HEATHROW TO AUCKLAND, STOPPING IN INDIA, MALAYSIA, AND AUSTRALIA ALONG THE WAY. IT'S A 747, SO THERE ARE FOUR ENGINES IN TOTAL. THEY'RE TOOLING ALONG OVER THE INDIAN OCEAN WHEN SUDDENLY THEY START SEEING THIS WEIRD ST. ELMO'S FIRE SHIT ALL OVER THE WINDOWS, AND SHORTLY AFTERWARD NUMBER FOUR ENGINE FLAMES OUT. THEN NUMBER TWO, THEN ONE AND THREE. THAT IS A LOT OF NO ENGINES. SO THE CAPTAIN SAYS--FUCK, YOU DO IT, CALIBORN, YOU'RE THE LIMEY BASTARD IN THESE PARTS.

I CERTAINLY AM. CAPTAIN ERIC MOODY, FACED WITH WHAT IS PROBABLY THE MOST SINCERELY PANTS-SHITTING SITuATION OF HIS CAREER. PICKS uP THE MIKE AND SAYS "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress."

YOU CANNOT GET BRITISHER THAN THAT. YOU SIMPLY CANNOT.

OF COuRSE THEY DID END uP GETTING THE ENGINES RESTARTED. ONCE THEY FLEW OuT OF THE CLOuD OF VOLCANIC ASH PARTICLES THAT HAD CAuSED THE SITuATION. NOBODY KNEW THAT AT THE TIME, OF COuRSE. ALL THEY KNEW WAS THEY'D SEEN SOME ODD LIGHT PHENOMENA BEFORE LOSING ALL FOuR ENGINES.

THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE DEAL WAS UNTIL THEY GOT ON THE GROUND. FIRST THE WEIRD LIGHTSHOW, THEN THE ENGINE FAILURE, PLUS PASSENGERS REPORTED SMOKE IN THE CABIN THAT SMELLED OF SULFUR--AND TO PUT THE CHERRY ON THE SPOOKY-BULLSHIT CAKE, AS THEY WERE COMING IN TO LAND THEY FOUND THAT THE COCKPIT WINDOWS HAD GONE ALL CLOUDY. I MEAN, YOU MIGHT BE THINKING TWILIGHT ZONE AND I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU.

TuRNS OuT THAT AN INDONESIAN VOLCANO HAD ERuPTED. AND THE CLOuD OF ASH AND PARTICLES CLOGGED THE ENGINES AND SANDBLASTED THE PLANE AS IT FLEW THROuGH. BuT "I TRuST YOu ARE NOT IN TOO MuCH DISTRESS." DAMN. NO uPPER LIP HAS BEEN THAT STIFF SINCE, I DON'T KNOW. SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC.

DIDN'T MOODY SAY THAT TRYING TO LAND ON FUCKED-UP INSTRUMENTS WITH ALMOST NO VISIBILITY WAS, WHAT, A BIT LIKE--

--A BIT LIKE NEGOTIATING ONE'S WAY uP A BADGER'S ARSE.

POP QUIZ, INTERNET. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A PILOT HAS TO DO BEFORE TAKING OFF? OTHER THAN MAKING SURE THE WINGS ARE ATTACHED TO THE PLANE, AND THE CORRECT NUMBER OF ENGINES ARE PRESENT, AND THERE ARE ENOUGH LITTLE PACKETS OF COCKTAIL PEANUTS FOR EVERYONE ON BOARD?

CHECKING WHETHER THERE ARE ENOuGH LITTLE BOTTLES OF VODKA. FOR EVERYONE ON BOARD. 

RIGHT, RIGHT. AFTER CHECKING THE WING AND ENGINE STATUS AND DETERMINING THAT SUFFICIENT VODKA PROVISIONS HAVE BEEN MADE, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS LEFT FOR THE PILOT TO DO BEFORE HE GETS OFF THE GROUND?

I'LL GIVE YOu A HINT. IT'S "GETTING CLEARANCE TO TAKE OFF."

TURNS OUT BAD SHIT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE OFF WITHOUT ATC'S BLESSING. 

CAST YOuR MIND BACK. TO MARCH OF 1977. THE CANARY ISLANDS. A POPuLAR VACATION DESTINATION OFF THE COAST OF MOROCCO. BEACHES. PALM TREES AND SO ON. TWO 747S ARE HEADED TO LAS PALMAS AIRPORT ON GRAN CANARIA ISLAND. FuLL OF HOLIDAYMAKERS. ONE'S A PAN AM OuT OF LAX, STOPPING OVER AT JFK. THE OTHER'S A KLM FROM SCHIPHOL. 

EVERYTHING'S NORMAL UNTIL THEY GET CLOSE TO THE ISLANDS, AT WHICH POINT SOME ASSHOLE WITH AN AGENDA SETS OFF A FUCKING BOMB IN LAS PALMAS AIRPORT. IT'S AGAINST STANDARD PRACTICES TO OPERATE AN AIRPORT WHEN PARTS OF IT ARE BEING BLOWN UP BY TERRORISTS, SO LAS PALMAS CLOSES AND ALL INBOUND FLIGHTS GET DIVERTED TO THE NEIGHBORING ISLAND OF TENERIFE INSTEAD. WHICH HAS A DINKY LITTLE AIRPORT, LOS RODEOS, SITUATED IN SUCH A WAY AS TO BE VERY OFTEN BLANKETED BY FOG. ALSO, IT LACKS OFF-STREET JETLINER PARKING.

THE CONTROLLERS AT LOS RODEOS WERE SHORT-STAFFED TO BEGIN WITH. THEY WERE FACED WITH A FuCKTON OF INCOMING TRAFFIC. AND VERY FEW PLACES TO PuT THEM ONCE THEY GOT THE BIRDS ON THE GROuND. THEY HAD PLANES PARKED ON EVERY BIT OF TARMAC THEY COuLD FIND. uP TO AND INCLuDING THE MAJOR TAXIWAY. NOBODY KNEW WHEN LAS PALMAS WOuLD REOPEN. 

SO YOU HAVE A TON OF AIRPLANES FULL OF PEOPLE JUST SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. SOME OF THESE PASSENGERS HAVE BEEN IN TRANSIT FOR LIKE 18 HOURS AT THIS POINT, THERE'S NO PEANUTS OR VODKA LEFT ON BOARD, EVERYBODY'S PISSED OFF AND ANXIOUS AND WANTS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. ESPECIALLY THE KLM CAPTAIN, JACOB VELDHUYZEN VAN ZANTEN. 

WHO HAPPENS TO BE KLM'S STAR PILOT. THE CHIEF FLYING INSTRuCTOR. YOu DO NOT WANT TO GET ON THIS GENT'S BAD SIDE. AND GOD FORBID YOu EVER QuESTION HIS AuTHORITY. YOu CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

YUP. AT THIS POINT, THE KLM CAPTAIN KNOWS HE HAS TO REFUEL FOR THE FLIGHT BACK TO AMSTERDAM. THE ORIGINAL PLAN WAS TO REFUEL AT LAS PALMAS, BUT HE DECIDES TO FILL HER UP AT LOS RODEOS INSTEAD. SO NOW THE PLANE IS A) EXTRA HEAVY AND B) EXTRA WELL PROVISIONED WITH EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE JET-A. ALSO, HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PAN AM PLANE. WHEN THEY GET THE NOTIFICATION THAT LAS PALMAS HAS REOPENED AND ALL THE BOMBS ARE OUT OF THE PICTURE, THE KLM JET IS STILL SITTING THERE WITH A PUMPER TRUCK. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PAN AM 747, WHICH IS TOTALLY READY TO GO. EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, AND NOW TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE THE WEATHER GOES TO SHIT.

YuP. PILED RIGHT INTO THE SIDE OF A VOLCANO. CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF CONTROLLED FLIGHT INTO TERRAIN.

DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT EXCEPT WHAT'S ON THE INTERNET. DINKY LITTLE FOKKER F-28 ON A DOMESTIC FLIGHT, CLEARED FOR APPROACH TO MEDAN AIRPORT, APPARENTLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ATC WHICH WENT LIKE THIS:

ATC: HEY, LET US KNOW WHEN YOU PASS THIS NON-DIRECTIONAL BEACON, OK?

GARUDA: SURE. RIGHT NOW WE'RE AT 9,300 FEET.

ATC: OK STAY THAT ALTITUDE UNTIL AFTER YOU PASS THE BEACON.

GARUDA: LOL OK ACTUALLY NOW WE'RE AT 6,000 FEET.

MOUNT SIBAYAK: HAHAHA I'M 7,200 FEET HIGH, NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT THAT THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS OF THIS ACCOUNT: THE ONE ON AVIATION-SAFETY.NET SAYS THE PILOT REPORTED THEY WERE MAINTAINING 6,000 FEET UNTIL THEY CROSSED THE BEACON, WHEREAS THE WIKI ARTICLE WHICH CITES A CAA WORLD AIRLINE ACCIDENT SUMMARY STATES THAT THE PILOT INITIALLY REPORTED THEIR ALTITUDE AS 9,300 FEET. SINCE CALIBORN UNFORTUNATELY HASN'T GOT THE ARCHIVE OF ALL CIVIL AVIATION AUTHORITY DOCUMENTS AT HIS SLENDER FINGERTIPS, WE DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENT, AND THEREFORE CAN'T TELL YOU WHICH VERSION IS THE ACCURATE ONE. IT'S ANNOYING, THERE'S TONS OF INFO ON SHIT THAT HAPPENED AFTER 1990, BUT NOTHING ON WAAS OR ASIAS ABOUT EARLIER INCIDENTS.

THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED AT AROUND 7 PM. IN JULY. WHICH YOu WOuLD THINK IMPLIES THERE WAS STILL SuNLIGHT AROuND. NONE OF THE SNIPPETS OF INFORMATION ABOuT THE CRASH INDICATE WEATHER CONDITIONS. BuT SINCE I FIND IT DIFFICuLT TO BELIEVE THAT THE PILOT WOuLD HAVE DRIVEN STRAIGHT INTO A MOuNTAIN. IF HE'D BEEN ABLE TO SEE IT. I'M THINKING THEY WERE PROBABLY IN CLOuD.

DON'T DRINK THE ORANGE JuICE.

NOW, NOW. THAT WAS ONLY ONE TIME. NO, I THINK THE REAL MENACE OF GARUDA INDONESIA ISN'T THE ARSENIC-FLAVORED DRINKS CART SO MUCH AS THE ISSUE OF "LANDING ON THE RUNWAY."

GRANTED. THEY HAVE MADE SOME CHANGES. GOT A NICE SHINY NEW LOGO AND EVERYTHING. NEW CABIN CREW uNIFORMS.

AND THEY'RE ALLOWED BACK INTO EUROPEAN UNION COUNTRIES NOW! DEFINITE IMPROVEMENTS HAVE BEEN MADE.

LET'S TAKE A GANDER AT THEIR INCIDENT RECORD. SHALL WE.

1961, A PLANE WENT MISSING. 1967, CRASHED ON LANDING. 1968, CRASHED SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF. 1974, CRASHED ON APPROACH. 1975, CRASHED ON APPROACH. 1979, HIT A VOLCANO ON APPROACH.

SO FAR. THAT'S MY FAVOuRITE.

SHUT UP. 1982, OVERRAN THE RUNWAY AND CAUGHT FIRE. 1984, OVERRAN THE RUNWAY, BROKE INTO THREE PIECES, AND CAUGHT FIRE. 1987, HIT A PYLON AND CRASHED ON APPROACH. 1996, OVERRAN THE RUNWAY ON AN ABORTED TAKEOFF ATTEMPT AND CAUGHT FIRE. 1997, CRASHED ON APPROACH, 18 MILES FROM THE AIRPORT. 2002, DITCHED IN A RIVER AFTER LOSING BOTH ENGINES TO RAIN AND HAIL INGESTION. THAT ONE WAS PRETTY SMOOTH, ACTUALLY. IT'S HARD AS A MOTHERFUCK TO DITCH A PLANE IN WATER, THEY DID A GOOD JOB AND ONLY ONE PERSON WAS KILLED.

TELL THEM ABOuT THE MuRDERFLIGHT.

I WAS COMING TO THAT. 2004, INDONESIAN HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST MUNIR SAID THALIB WAS GIVEN A LETHAL DOSE OF ARSENIC ON BOARD GARUDA INDONESIA FLIGHT 974. HE WAS VERY OBVIOUSLY SICK, TO THE POINT WHERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD WAS CALLED TO HIS AID, AND DIED ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE THEY LANDED AT SCHIPHOL.

THE INDIVIDuAL THOuGHT TO HAVE SLIPPED FIVE HuNDRED MILLIGRAMS OF ARSENIC INTO MuNIR'S OJ. WAS A DEADHEADING GARuDA PILOT. BLESSED WITH THE EuPHONIOuS NAME OF POLLYCARPuS PRIYANTO. HE WAS APPARENTLY ACTING ON THE ORDERS OF GARuDA'S CEO AT THE TIME.

GARUDA WAS FOUND NEGLIGENT IN REFUSING TO PERFORM AN EMERGENCY LANDING, AND TOLD TO HAND OVER A HUGE SUM IN DAMAGES TO MUNIR'S WIFE, WHICH THEY OF COURSE DID NOT END UP DOING. THERE'S ALSO ALL THIS COMPLICATED STUFF ABOUT WHETHER THE INDONESIAN GOVERNMENT'S INTELLIGENCE AGENCY ORDERED THE HIT, WHICH I THINK ONE OF THE TOP OFFICIALS ADMITTED LAST YEAR? IT'S A HUGE FUCKING MESS, WHOEVER'S ACTUALLY RESPONSIBLE.

BuT TO GO BACK TO GARuDA'S TRACK RECORD. IN 2007. FLIGHT 200 CRASHED ON LANDING AT YOGYAKARTA. DuE TO SHITTY PILOTING COMPOuNDED BY SHITTY WEATHER. AND BAD AIRPORT DESIGN. THAT CRASH PLuS THE AIRLINE'S RECENT PuBLICITY AND CRAP SAFETY RECORD. GOT IT--AND ALL OTHER INDONESIAN AIRLINES--BANNED FROM FLYING INTO THE EuROPEAN uNION.

KIND OF A WAKE-UP CALL FOR THE GARUDA TOP BRASS. "FUCK OFF UNTIL YOU CAN MEET EU SAFETY STANDARDS, BYEEEEE."

THEY CAME uP WITH THIS STRATEGIC PLAN. CALLED "QuANTuM LEAP." WHICH I DIDN'T THINK YOu WERE ALLOWED TO DO. I MEAN IS ALASKA AIRLINES GOING TO ROLL OuT A NEW FIVE-YEAR PLAN. CALLED "AIRWOLF."

THAT WOULD BE UNCHARACTERISTICALLY BADASS. OR HEY, LOOK, NOROVIRUS CRUISE LINE CARNIVAL COULD ANNOUNCE A NEW INITIATIVE CALLED "LOVE BOAT." QUALITY ASSURANCE/REBRANDING PROGRAMS NAMED AFTER OLD-ASS TV SHOWS COULD BE A REAL MARKETING COUP.

ANYWAY. GARuDA HAS APPARENTLY GOT ITS NOSE SuFFICIENTLY CLEAN TO BE ALLOWED BACK IN THE Eu. AND HAS WON A STRING OF ACCOLADES. IT'S GOT A FIVE STAR RATING FROM SKYTRAX.

HUZZAH.

THIS TV-SHOW-NAME REBRANDING INITIATIVE THING. IT APPEALS TO ME. GARuDA'S ALREADY SNAGGED QuANTuM LEAP. I LIKE AIRWOLF FOR ALASKA AIRLINES, BuT THEY DON'T SuCK HARD ENOuGH RIGHT NOW TO REALLY NEED AN OVERHAuL. CARNIVAL IS DEFINITELY LOVE BOAT.

AS OPPOSED TO "PLAGUE SHIP."

PRECISELY.