⊰ the witcher askbox ⊱

I already know who sent this letter. Geralt! Out with it! You know I’m legendary in the sack.

[giggles]

Who’s asking? Geralt or this stranger? Does he wish to know which one was better in bed? 

[abruptly stops giggling] Actually I didn’t sen–

Geralt. No comparison. No offense Lambert, I admire your tactics, you simply differ beyond comparison. 

[Flips a table] Geralt! You and me, outside in ten. 

[chuckles]

I’m not sure. It’s the absurdity of life sometimes. You are allergic to the one thing you do most. 

I’m not allergic to you.

Geralt!

Geralt!

Geralt?!

Go! Go!

[flees]

Have you ever heard of pinworms? 

Ciri! Not appropriate. 

Is that what they’re called? I’ve always wondered what those skinny little things are crawling in my groin.. Other than that, I just eat whatever comes my way should I have no access to proper food in my travels. 

I think I’ll be sick. 

[NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH]

[Translation: I AM OFFENDED. I AM UTTERLY OFFENDED I AM FORCED TO LET SOME OF YOU RIDE ME AND MOST LIKELY INFEST ME WITH YOUR GHASTLY PARASITES. SHAMEFUL IS WHAT IT IS. RIGHTLY SHAMEFUL.]

You and me both, pal. I mean, the damn state of some brothels have been--

What?

Oh, don’t despair, my dear. Dettlaff often deludes himself of perceptions of threats where there is none. I never doubted you. In fact, I’m flattered and humbled. Your kindness avail no limit. 

A black cat. Intelligent, elegant and independent. 

I’d say, a ginger cat. Really cute and fluffy. 

Anything that would resemble a wolf. 

An elegant cat, no fur, it gets everywhere. One that just sits on a ledge, and observes. 

Dog.

Dog.

Dog.

Dog. 

It’s a bit odd, I’d say. I’ve heard of the custom, yet it’s not at all uncommon. Parents tell stories of us, and other supernatural beings, to their children when they’ve been bad. But on the other hand, there are a few who’s grown so accustomed and comfortable with the idea of monsters such as us, and seems to, quite frankly, like the idea. I am fascinated with these individuals. They seem to look beyond what most people see, instead of horrid, ghastly creatures. 

I’m not evil, nor are all those creatures they spook each other with. But I suppose it’s all biased and subjective, anyone can be friendly if you get on their good side.

[embraces you]

Hmm, probably something to do with crime. You know, police dramas, investigation. But I like a bit of thriller, mystery and plot twists, for sure.

I’d pick… Adventure, probably, with action and roma- I mean, killings.

I’d like to see a flick filled with action, comedy and drama. But if I had to choose one, maybe drama, as long as it’s unpredictable and filled with lots of.. action and comedy. Good friendships, with a positive meaning.

Have you ever watched that TV-channel, the “Discovery Channel”? Or that show “Deadliest Catch”? Yeah, that’s what I like.

That’s not a movie.

I make my own damn rules.

Too old to get with new generation, as always. For myself, I’d definitely choose horror. There’s gotta be blood, gore, LYNCHING, MUTILATION, DISMEMBERING–  

Lambert! Please.

She has her morals straight, a sense of dignity, and I will always respect a woman who knows what she wants, and who’s not afraid to achieve it. I enjoy our bantering, she’s a great mother to Ciri, and a loyal wife to me.

Not to mention her brilliance. But then again, you can’t always exactly pinpoint why you… ehem.. l-ove someone. Sometimes, you just do. 

Aww. Geralt said the “L” word. 

I have not had the pleasure yet, but I’ve heard mention of him from Geralt’s stories. Geralt, would you mind introducing us? 

Sure, he’s right over ther- [an arrow flings by his ear]

State your business or receive an arrow to your guts, dh’oine. 

Iorveth, it’s just me. I’ve brought a friend.

Well, well, well. Geralt. And I didn’t expect I’d find a person anymore pale than you. But it seems you did, and it seems you befriended him.

Now, there’s an explanation for that, I’m –

Have you brought any more jam? We’re all out of jam supplies, we haven’t received a delivery in weeks. And Geralt, have you seen your old crook Vernon Roche? That scoundrel still owes me money. If you find him, tell him I’ll gut him out and throw him in the sewers if he doesn’t pay me back my .. 

…

A game of verses? How amusing. What should we play for? 

I have an idea. You win, and I shall grant you an extraordinary wish, unlike any ordinary prize. 

No, luckily not. We are a separate species, born and shaped in another world. We are, what you humans would call it, ‘aliens’ to you. Unlike your own fictional creation of vampires, we cannot turn others.

A strange question, indeed. How do you imagine the grande engineering of a creature, in depth from cells to mere capacity of the brain, to abruptly change into another completely different construction by a single bite? 

It’s far too complex to dwell deeper into this, but nonetheless, I believe they understood us, Dettlaff. No need to turn hostile. 

Not quite. But close.

Specifically it was a banquette I needed to attend in order to form a few important contacts to stabilize our treaty. Naturally, I needed a date to accompany me. Our days has been so still since we defeated the Hunt, so I presumed a small feast would do good for both of us. On the contrary, I’ve never heard him complain so much since Crach’s feast in Kaer Trolde.