Your Personal Steward, Smethells

Please direct any and all questions you may have to the box above.

A klondike bar, sir? Why, I would pay the marked price of course... as far as you are aware.

Of course, youths.

I told the purser bringing this automobile aboard would bring nothing but trouble, and now he and the crewmen in charge of guarding the hold will be held responsible for any damages.

Vampires?

Sir, what would I, John Smethells, steward aboard the RMS Titanic, know about such blood drinking demons?

Do you suspect something of me and expect to catch me in some way with this query? Have I given you some inkling that I may be... no, of course not. That would be preposterous.

Dougie you say? Hmmm....

It seems I have very little knowledge on the subject. Perhaps check with the Purser if you are looking for another passenger by that name.

Sir or madam, perhaps a touch less gin and a great deal more of minding your own business. What Miss DeWitt Bukater does with her time aboard is no conern of yours or mine.

May I suggest instead a lap about the promenade? Or perhaps a dip in the pool to keep you occupied?

Alas, if you insist in gossiping, I recommend keeping it between the ladies at tea as to not disturb the other guests.