Evil

You ever pick someone up when hugging them and realize you really could give them a full nelson but you have to keep an air of mystery and whimsy in the relationship so you don’t say anything?

I have too much homework to do and not enough pussy to eat. These finals got me fucked up, just give me a pretty kitty in my face and let me love you 🔥☺️💥

Y’all my father said if I grew out my hair any longer I’d be misidentified as an old lady named Mildred but he has no clue that’s the head cannon name for my post-op pussy 😭😭😭

Being an undergraduate student is a little different then how I imagined. Like, I thought I’d be making great strides in the humanities and instead my most recent discovery is that my little Caucasian butthole can’t handle the spicy sauce at Chipotle

I never understood why someone would drive drunk but I just had an edible and rode my bike all around my university while listening to Mitski and GAWD if drunk driving was any like that I could start forgiving

See, the thing that separates me from the rest of y’all is that if I was in a room with 3 other people and one of them farted and there was a bit of awkward silence I would take the blame for it because while the 2 other who didn’t fart would look at me and maybe lose a little respect for me, the other 3rd person who DID fart and was embarrassed by it would look at me with appreciation and I might gain their favor. The way I see it, that’s a net win. And it’s that type of thinking America really needs.

I have a very similar philosophical take as Descartes had, but instead of it being “I think therefor I am” it’s “my balls quake and my arms bleed so I must be human”

Teenage boys should NOT be allowed to have a trash can in their rooms dude. They’ll turn that shit into a biohazard container within a week, trust