dee♤

Of course he doesn't. Alex was never great at these things. He never looks into the small cracks, always only noticing that something was amiss when the dam has broken, letting the tsunami sweep clean everything on its way.

“I know you don't.”

Alex pulls her close, embracing her tightly as if he's trying to cement her back to the ground. But hugs could only work one too many times until the earthquake hit harder, shattering everything that was already fragile in the first place.

She buries her face to his chest. Trying to block her vision from the light that is starting to find its way through the curtains. Her flat was located on the better side of town, making the lighting to be brilliant throughout the day, hence why they prefer to spend their time more on her place instead of his. But lately she's been wondering if she would like this room the same if the light was gone. Because it feels like her life is getting dimmer and dimmer each day.

And it's only a matter of time until the time's up.

She's tried to communicate all her worries, to try and make him understand about how things aren't really fine between them. That the flame is slowly dying. The wind is blowing strong at them and it feels like she's the only one trying to keep the fire alive. Even when it occasionally burns her.

“Don't overthink it,” Alex whispers to her ears “We'll find the way out.”

How? She wanted to ask. How could they find a way to fix it if he doesn't even seem to understand the problem? How would they work it out if he wouldn't even try to understand her troubles? How will they find the way out when he doesn't even know the void they're being stuck in?

“We'll make this work somehow.” He says again.

She wasn't sure if those affirmative words were for her or for himself, but she knew that the uncertainty in his tone weighs more than the meaning of the words. The bitter taste on her tongue was starting to be overwhelming. They're losing each other.

—-

Breakfast was dreadful. Her eyes were glued on him, waiting impatiently to have him break the silence. Her flat used to be filled with their chatter, cries of laughter over his lame jokes. Now the walls only echo the sound of records he plays before digging into his bowl of cereal. He hardly looks up to her. Only doing it when he needed to grab the milk or to check on his phone. Which only happens about twice in the course of 30 minutes.

She's tried to bring the light back to this place. To ask him questions or talk about what used to interest him most, yet none seem to work their charm as they used to. It was as if he's lost all interest. As if she was an overplayed song he's ready to skip from.

“So what are your plans today?” She finally asks, defeated to the realisation that he won't be initiating anything “Anything other than recording?”

Alex pursed his lips, shaking his head, “I don't think so.”

And then silence fell once more.

She lets out a sigh before standing up and heading to the sink. She could see him finally looking up, watching her walk away from the reflection of the windows, but she was tired of trying. They've kicked the day off with a sour start, she wouldn't want to burst and make it any worse than it already is.

Turning the tap, she begins to clean their dirty dishes. She could hear him walking closer. His pair of hands find their way around her waist as he rests his head to her shoulders. She hates it. The way he always seems to know how to calm the time bomb and add just another hour before it finally implodes. How he always seems to know the spell to cast the dark cloud away for the day, before a thunderstorm struck at night. How he always seems to know how to dust their problems under the rug for a while longer.

“Are you alright?” Alex whispers in between his hums to the song playing in the background.

She nods, closing her eyes as she tries to drown herself in the moment.

“Hey,” He says, turning the tap off and making her face him. He places her hands on her cheeks, gently cupping them before planting a gentle kiss to her lips “I love you.”

Do you really? Her eyes were staring back at him, trying to find that passion that used to bleed right through. Alex's expression was gentle, smiling at her softly and God just how beautiful and lovely he is right now. It was hard for her to tell if the genuine affection is finally back or was she just blinded by his beauty.

So she smiles halfheartedly, caving into his magnetism once more, “I love you.”

“That's the smile I so missed about.” He grins “I'll see you tonight, yeah?”

She replies with a nod. Watching him grab his brown satchel before heading out, blowing her a kiss as he closes the door. Somehow the flat doesn't feel any more silent than when he was still here.

—-

The table was filled with familiar faces. People she hasn't seen in a while; Alex's friends. They've always been such pleasant company, involving her in every conversation and jokes, yet it's rather ironic now to feel like she could connect with these people more than with the man that sleeps next to her at night.

He was gone the moment they stepped in the bar. Swallowed by the ocean of people, conversing with strangers she's never seen before in her life. The air feels suffocating somehow. She thought that the space between them was only felt at home, where no one else was around and able to see it, but now sitting next to an empty spot where he should be present feels like a hard slap to the cheek. The person who was always attached to her like a bee, the person who could never stop his hands to not hold hers, the person who could never stop humming romantic lyrics to her ears is now gone. Occupied by God knows what or who.

“Have you seen Alex?” She asks Matt who only just got back from the dance floor, taking the empty seat at the table.

The boy frowns, shaking his head, “No, I thought he was here.”

“He hasn't been here since we've arrived.” She says, her anger seeping through “Do you have any idea where he is?”

“Sorry, Love, I haven't seen him yet.”

Dissatisfied with his answer, she stood from her seat to go find Alex herself. Her temper was rising. Ignoring her presence within the walls of her flat was one thing, but to invite her for a night out only to neglect her and disappear entirely was just plain cruel. Sure she enjoys her time with his friends, but she wasn't here for them. She was here for him.

The bar was her first starting point. She scans the place where she last saw him, hoping to find the trace of where he might have gone to but the place was dimly lit and night was falling fast, making the establishment to be more crowded. Finding him would be a little more strugglesome now.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

She turns to the source of voice. A man who doesn't look much older than her stood with a smile. The stranger was leaning on the bar stool. He was decently dressed. Nothing about him triggers her alarm but no matter how kind he is or how charming he tries to present himself, she would never be interested in his offer.

“I have a boyfriend.” She says as she looks away, scanning through the crowd once more.

“Well, that's a shame.” He says as he gulps his glass of scotch “Where is he?”

“If I knew, I wouldn't be standing here now, would I?”

The stranger laughs, finding her annoyed words to be entertaining.

She ignores the stranger's response with an annoyed rolling of eyes, turning to her right where her eyes finally meet his. His disapproving knitted brows were visible. Alex was never the jealous type but he does have his moments and she knew that tonight was just one of her lucky nights.

She walks to him, looking straight at him with her head held high. He might have his take about the argument that she's certain would rise in a matter of minutes, but she's loaded with one too many troubles of her own. A big fight might actually glue them back together or perhaps, crush them entirely, but it was time for them to stop running in circles. It was time for them to face their problems.

“Can we talk?”

Alex nods, gesturing to her to lead the way.

Walking out of the bar and into a much quieter hallway, she folds her hands in front of her chest before turning to see him. His expression was unreadable. Hands buried deep in his pockets as if he's ready to brace the upcoming storm.

“So,” She begins.

“So.” He replies.

“Where have you been?” She asks, tone filled with frustration “You left me right after we got here.”

Alex shrugs, “I was just chatting to people.”

“And you didn't care to tell me or bring me with you?”

“I didn't think that it was necessary.” He reasoned, completely unaware of the sting it caused to her heart “Besides, it looks like you didn't really need my company.”

Her brows furrow in vexation, “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” He sighs, once again taking the easy way out and brushing everything away “Look, can we just go back? I need to drink.”

The air was thick around them. It has been for a while and she's been trying to ignore it for as long as she could, but her lungs have finally collapsed. Her fortress could no longer hold the endless painful strikes. Her grip on him has finally been released, leaving a red bleeding wound on the place where his name was carved on.

“What are we doing, Alex?”

The fear in his eyes was evident but he tried his best to conceal it with a nervous laughter, “What do you mean?”

She remained quiet this time. Her chest feels tight. Just how long did he think they could keep this? How long will this ballad last? How long was she supposed to bear all these quakes to her tottering heart? The way out he promised was never found. Perhaps, they never truly looked for it. Already given up to the void that has swallowed them for God knows how long.

“Love, please,” Alex begs, his eyes pleading “Let's just get back inside.”

“Why won't you do something?” She asks again with beads of tears on her lashes “Why won't you say something?”

He remains quiet, face turning pale as he could see the end coming close.

“Why won't you lose something? Risk something? Choose something? Anything?” She asks, her sobs were getting in her words “I've got nothing to believe in, Alex. Not anymore.”

“Love—”

“Alex,” She cuts, shaking her head with a pained smile “It's not working. Stop lying to yourself.”

The fear finally plagued his expression. For the first time after what seems to be forever, she could see the genuine love radiating from his eyes. The gentle gaze and the warm affection that used to shower her everyday. But tonight they were accompanied with regret and guilt. As if he's finally realised that they've gone past the point to revive their relationship.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

“I tried,” Alex chokes “I really did.”