{the chariot}

Ash Malina was born to Gregory Malina, a Deaf disability rights lawyer, and Tracey Allen, a hearing nurse. Initially, Tracey planned on putting the baby up for adoption as she had no interest in being a parent. Greg, on the other hand, was very excited. He offered to raise Ash as a single parent, and Tracey ultimately agreed to this arrangement. In Ash’s earliest memories, it was her and her dad against the world. She didn’t know any different, and she wouldn’t change it for the world. Her first words were in American Sign Language. English came later, from television and the world outside of their house. 

When Ash was four, her dad started dating a woman named Jacqueline (or Jacq, as Ash called her because she couldn’t pronounce or spell Jacqueline when she was young). Within a year, they were engaged with the pregnancy announcement coming a short time later. In hindsight, they rushed into getting married because they knew they were having a baby together, but as a kid Ash was only worried about how this would change her perfect micro-family. Deafness was genetic in Jacq’s family, and Lacy Malina was the fourth generation to be born Deaf while Ash was the only hearing person in their immediate family. 

Only a few days after her birth, Lacy was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. For the next few years, Ash watched helplessly as her baby sister was in and out of the hospital and different doctors offices. She was equally helpless whenever there was no interpreter for an appointment. Sometimes it was the doctor’s fault, especially whenever there was an appointment in a smaller office that wasn’t used to working with Deaf clients. Other times, the shortage of interpreters in the Shreveport area was the problem. Staff often expected Ash to become the interpreter in those moments, while her dad refused to put that responsibility on his child. 

When Ash was in second grade, she met Seth. Within a few weeks they were ‘dating’, which to seven year olds meant that they sometimes held each others hands while otherwise being afraid to talk to each other for half the school year. Despite all odds, they stayed together even when they were in different classes in third grade, and beyond. Ash pretty quickly had her life figured out; she was going to marry Seth, become an ASL interpreter, and then have two or three kids with him that they would raise in their castle. As she got older, the castle turned into a more realistic suburban home but the rest of the plan remained steadfast.

Fifth grade meant a new class, and one new student in particular. Already set on becoming an ASL interpreter, Ash was so excited to see there was one in her classroom that year. It helped her as well, being able to see the information in her first language instead of learning strictly through her second. The only problem was the boy who needed the interpreter had chosen that outfit on his first day of school?! At recess she walked right up to him and informed him that his shirt was hideous, and they quickly became best friends after that.

Ash figured out at a somewhat young age that she liked girls. She came out as bisexual at the age of fourteen with an anticlimactic lack of fanfare. Her queer identity really didn’t change anything though, as her relationship with Seth continued on as strong as ever.

Junior year was when everything felt like it came to a grinding halt, a stark contrast to the fact that most of her life didn’t change at all. After competing in a track meet, Ash was approached by a woman she only recognized from the few pictures she’d seen; her biological mother. Over coffee, Tracey apologized for leaving Ash and explained that she hadn’t been ready to be a mom back then but Ash was almost an adult so it was different now. Up until then, Ash had never thought much about the woman that left when she was young. Her relationship with Jacq never felt like Jacq’s relationship with Lacy - she did her best to fill in as a mom figure, but she and Ash were just never as close as Ash was to her dad. That didn’t bother her, nor did Tracey's decisions seventeen years ago. Greg did everything he could to be twice the parent, so Ash wouldn’t want for more. But now her mom was here, wanting a relationship, and Ash finally allowed herself to want that too. She let herself get excited about her mom wanting to be part of her life. A month later, Tracey met a guy and left town. She broke the news to Ash in an email, and never contacted her again. It was a very hard time for Ash, causing her to cling to Seth and Elliot more while distancing herself from everyone else - especially her family. 

Graduation was looming and it felt terrifying. Ash was going to University of North Florida for their interpreting degree which technically meant that she was the one leaving her boys behind, but her trust in people was still very broken and she lost more sleep than she would admit worrying that nobody would actually miss her. Proposing to Seth bucked tradition, but how else would they survive the long distance of college? Besides, they had technically been together for ten years. Their wedding didn’t have much fanfare; a courthouse marriage, dinner with closer friends and family at a nice restaurant, and the promise that they would have a vowel renewal and more extravagant ceremony after they both graduated college. 

The next four years weren’t eventful; Ash and Seth both got their degrees, Ash started building a career for herself in Jacksonville, and Seth ultimately moved to Florida. It was everything they had talked about, but there was just one problem…Ash had figured out during college that she was a lesbian. The last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt Seth, and he was the perfect person to start a family with. At least she liked him and knew he was exactly who she always imagined a future with. So for the next three years, she tried to convince herself that she could like men - or at least one man. They started trying for a family, but it never happened. Negative pregnancy tests and frustrations eventually led Ash to blurt out the truth, and the two divorced shortly afterwards. Seth never held any of it against her, and they were able to stay amicable through their split. 

For the first time since she was eight, Ash was single and she had no idea how to handle it. A friend suggested dating apps, which led her to an online relationship with Amber in Pittsburgh. There was an instant connection, and their whirlwind romance resulted in Ash moving to Pennsylvania only a few months after splitting with Seth. Less than a year later, Amber proposed. Lesbians move fast, is what she told Ash. Once married, the sapphic fairytale turned from Disney to the Brothers Grimm. Amber grew emotionally distant. She changed her mind about having children, which was a huge issue for Ash. Starting her own family was so important, and she could see her chance to do so slipping away. But what was she supposed to do? Get divorced again? It was inevitable with Seth, but she wasn’t going to be twice-divorced before she even hit thirty. No matter how bad the fights got, or how badly Amber treated her, Ash stayed. It felt like her only choice.

Lacy had a stroke, was not a text Ash ever expected to receive. Sure, her little sister had been sick a lot when they were kids but she had been doing relatively okay for a long time. They always knew she was at higher risk of having problems as an adult, but it was a different thing to have to look those issues in the eye. Ash flew to New Bellevoux, prioritizing her family over her failing marriage. For the next couple years she split her time between the two cities, much to Amber’s annoyance. It wasn’t only about Lacy, and both Ash and Amber knew it. Their dad and Jacq could take care of her, and she was getting better. Yet whenever Ash was in Pennsylvania, she was thinking about her friends and family in New Bellevoux. Moving back full time wasn’t an option though, because Amber wasn’t willing to give up her friends and family to move to some southern small town. 

With so much focus on Lacy, it didn’t even occur to Ash that she could lose another family member. Her dad’s death was sudden, a freak accident. Everything after finding out was a blur. Jacq and Lacy were both a mess, which left Ash feeling like she had to be the strong one. Back in Pittsburgh, she was numb to her marriage. Amber was surprisingly supportive despite their history, trying to get Ash to open up to her, but Ash wanted no part of it. Life suddenly felt cruelly short and she didn’t want to stay in a loveless, childless marriage. She told Amber that she wanted to get divorced, and left for New Bellevoux before they could figure anything out.