BornVillain

I have been thinking about things I could have done to make having a newborn easier. This is what I’ve come up with.

1. Don’t freak out if breastfeeding is difficult and the baby struggles. STAY CALM. I’m not certain how much of Wyatt’s bfing struggles came from me being so worked up and stressed out about it. I gave up after 1.5 days of struggling and started pumping and exclusively bottle feeding.

Side note: this was not the end of the world. When he got a little older (two weeks later) and his suck reflex got stronger (we gave a paci and I think that helped a lot), he had ZERO ISSUES going back to the boob.

2. Start pumping in the hospital. They have some amazing pumps there, and it really sets you up for success.

3. Pump AFTER you feed the baby. Ten minutes on each side for the baby, and then pump for 10 minutes.

4. Double pump. Get one of those bras that lets you pump hands free. Other than cutting your pumping time in HALF, you also get more milk if you pump tandem.

5. Bring a moby wrap to the hospital. Do skin to skin in the bed while wearing the baby. The nurses come in so frequently that you don’t actually get to sleep, you stand a better chance of relaxing if the baby is wrapped to you.

6. Have a feeding plan for when you get home. Alternate between you and your SO at night if possible. This was my favorite advantage to pumping bottles. Now that he’s back on the boob exclusively, I only ask my husband to take over a nighttime feeding if it’s like…a dire situation.

7. Buy 1,000 bottles of gas drops. Literally 1,000. And then repeat with gripe water.

8. Remember how everyone laughed at you for making “too many” frozen casseroles and breakfast burritos? Tell them to suck your dick, and make even more next time.

9. When people come to visit, make them do a load of dishes or switch out the laundry. Yes, really. No one comes to hold the baby without doing a chore. I think women downplay the amount of healing you’ll need to do, and that’s me talking after a relatively smooth vaginal delivery with minor tearing. You will bleed like GODDAMN STUCK PIG for atleast 4-6 weeks. And it’s not like a period. It is a WOUND. You are recovering. Do not haul around laundry baskets or stand on your feet to do dishes unless you absolutely have to.

10. Keep the squirt bottle from the hospital to clean your who-ha. They give you one to squirt water on to your vagina after you pee or poop because you can’t wipe you poor mangled vajay.

11. Take as many of the mesh underwear as you can stuff into your hospital bag. You will ruin whatever underwear you put on for the first 2-3 weeks postpartum. Get a pack of depends disposable underwear.

12. This is gross and I’m sorry. But get a trash can for the bathroom with a lid that CLOSES SHUT. The stuff coming out of you on those postpartum pads really stinks. I had a lidded trash can that fit into a cabinet with a door that closed. And the bathroom still had an odor if we didn’t change the trash out every two days.

13. Do not overestimate your ability to hold your pee. Your pelvic floor muscles are FUCKED. If you have to pee, DO NOT wait. You WILL pee on the floor, and that will trigger your postpartum hormones, and you will end up crying in the shower while your significant other cleans your urine off the floor because you can’t bend down to do it yourself. Or so I’ve heard.

14. Hold your baby as much as you want. Do not let people tell you that you’re going to “spoil” your child. Tell them to fuck right off, you can blame it on your hormones later.