neighhh

I have three older older siblings, growing up , especially the oldest would pick on me. Not like playfully teasing but calling me stupid and annoying and weird and too loud and immature and lacking any empathy almost on the daily, not to mention threatening . To the point i would cry when he came in the room because i was scared he’d hurt me. Anyway that never got addressed, he still scares me a bit even now. I never had all that many friends growing up and and the school year my school shut down in 4th grade a girl purposefully broke me and my best friend apart, and that summer she ghosted me and i never heard from either again. 5-6th grade i had really low self esteem and no friends except for 2 toxic ones who brought down my self esteem even more and all throughout i didnt have any coping skills or self regulation so it just kinda stirred inside me until i eventually came home crying. I would have a meltdown pretty regularly , and i mean that by definition. But when i did my dad and mom would ignore me or my mom would get mad and yell saying how i was being selfish and stressing her out and that i was “too old for a tantrum”. I would only rarely get comfort after i’d cried my throat raw and i was coughing 🤷 guess that was a bit rough but whatever

Uh then just a big fat tw for talking about suicide and sh. So my brother tried to kill himself and i was told the morning after only that they found him in the kitchen with a knife and then i was sent off to walk to school alone. Uhm, i went to the hospital with my mum and sister a lot and i sat in the back of the car listening to how my mother got angry with him about why he would do that instead of talking so that was rough. But like, even when he was in some sort of suicide proof house for 2 weeks my mum just acted like everything was ..normal?? Like the whole time life went on and no one talked about it like it never even happened. The school councillor brought me into the office and asked me how home life changed and how to help me for the end of the school year but i didnt really have anything to say because, really, nothing did? I walked to school with my brother and we would talk about out feeling and shit and that was the closest i ever got with him so i spent a lot of time feeling guilty and confused and thinking that it should have been me or i should have noticed the symptoms for months. I had already self harmed without realizing because i would get yelled at for hitting other things so i switched to hitting myself when i was having a moment. The first time i did any real damage to myself both my parents were there and they didn’t care or even seem to notice , by the time the whole brother situation came around i was already in the habit of scratching my arms when i was stressed so that really just got a lot worse. I started self isolating because i felt like no one cared about me and at home no one payed any attention either, and i know it sounds selfish but i was shaken up after it. I needed help. Anyway i thought maybe if i did worse than scratching maybe my parents would see how bad i was doing. So i really just got worse and worse trying to prove to somebody and myself that i was worth helping and that i was “bad enough” to need it. But even after i showed my mom that i was cutting all i got was “oh sweetie, you don’t need to do that” then she went to sleep. Nothing in the morning. Nothing the next day. Nothing. Anyyyway but i was already really badly addicted so that kinda kept persisting.

I mean there’s a few other things im sure but that’s the main points i can remember rn