asha

why had the astrals chosen to do this? he had no idea. was it something he could blame on the kings of the past perhaps? was this the price they had demanded for their supposed betrayal of the crown? if it was, then pelna called bullshit - crowe had already been fighting to cling to her life at that stage, while he’d fallen to the first wave of treachery. they’d played no part in betraying the king, their only crime now was that of hanging onto the status of glaive.

medically? he still didn’t know. an argument could be made about the dwindling resources and the lack of variety in their diets now; but why were so many other people able to start families or add to the ones they already had?

he had no idea. and that was the hardest part for him to stomach; there wasn’t a reason. it just was.

shifting where he sat, pelna pulled asha closer to him before reaching over to pick up the discarded leviathan, holding it in his free hand as he smoothed back some of her hair.

’ baby, we did nothing wrong, okay? not me. not your mama. not you, no one … they just decided now wasn’t the right time for us to have another baby. it’s no one’s fault … mama’s kinda sad right now, she thinks she must have done something wrong, but i promise you that it’s no one’s fault. ’

forcing a half-hearted smile, pelna arched his brow, bowing his head to press a kiss to asha’s brow before be booped her on the nose with the leviathan plushie, trying to drag a smile out of the little girl.

Nobody’s fault, nobody had done anything wrong?  Alright, fine.  Good.  But that still didn’t explain why the astrals would just decide to take the baby away  —  too many dots to join, too many puzzle pieces she just couldn’t fit together.  They’d done nothing wrong and the astrals had still taken her baby brother or sister away, even when they knew she’d be the best big sister ever?  She couldn’t understand it, all she knew was that it just wasn’t fair.

“Mama’s sad?”  LIttle hands made a grab for her plushie, the tiniest smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as he booped her nose with the fluffy little tail fin.  “I feel sad, too,” turning the plushie right way up, Asha held Leviathan out for her dad to take, “It’s not fair.”  She may not be able to join all the dots together, she might not understand why the astrals had to take the baby away but that much she knew; that much, she could understand completely.

But surely they could make mama feel better?

“If mama’s sad, we should give her a big hug,” Asha nodded, it seemed so simple.  If someone was down, sad, you hugged them!  They always hugged her when she was upset about something, a hug always helped her feel better  —  was it different for the grown-ups?  “Have y’tried that, daddy?”

it still felt weird to hear someone refer to meldacio as home. in his head, nyx guessed he still saw it as a midway point on some other road, but where was the road leading? had he expected crowe and pelna to keep calling insomnia home? they’d both been blow-ins to the crown city, like himself. crowe without a home to cling to and pelna from lestallum … he’d never referred to insomnia as home either. galahd had always been home. but home wasn’t a place, wasn’t that what his mom had always said?

his parents were in meldacio now. his little sister and her family. crowe and pelna and their little girl … maybe meldacio was home?

’ oh yeah - this place is waaaay bigger than meldacio, huh? ’ turning a corner on the street, he glanced up to where he knew randolph had fashioned a small playground for the kids; that’s something the hunters’ outpost was sorely missing. sure, space was tight there, but surely they could find some corner to set up some things for the kids? 

might have to sweet talk his mother a bit, but nyx was pretty sure he could selena on board with the idea. slowing his steps, nyx bent down, his voice a low whisper as if he was letting asha in on a secret.

’ but i reckon we might be able to convince them to get us a playground for back home, what do you think? ’

“It’s huge, uncle Nyx!  There’s so many streets an’ way more lights an’ when we all play high an’ seek, there’s a lot more places to hide so nobody can find me...”  Stop.  Breathe.  “But there’s way more people, too!  I think it’s good here,” and she did, it was just a little different than home, that was all, “But I think I like it better back at home with Julia, Ryon, Aideen an’ everyone.”

But did she really have to choose?  No.  They would still visit and she could still climb on the climbing frame, hide in the tiniest little hidey-holes she could find and then they’d all head back home to Meldacio.  Maybe that meant she could say she had two homes  —  real home at Meldacio where all the others were and another at the house in Lestallum where daddy used to live before...

Train of thought derailed in the blink of an eye as she caught sight of the playground; now that was her favourite spot in all of Lestallum, they didn’t have anything like that back home.  They could stop for a minute, right?  Still skipping along at Nyx’s side, she tugged on his hand in an attempt to speed up their steps  —  sooner they got to the playground, sooner she’d be at the top of the mountain!

......wait.  A playground for home?

“Really?  Could we get a climbin’ thingy like this one?  Or swings?  Oh, or a seesaw?”

No more hide and seek, no more colouring bounty flyers on granny Ezma’s porch, no more jigssaws with Aideen  —  some days just needed a little change.  

PIggybacks would do!

“Zell, d’you think y’could beat uncle Loqi in a piggyback race?  ‘Cause that’d be really fun!”

watching on as asha nodded her head and launched into choosing which toy she’d give to her new brother or sister , pelna felt a pang in his chest at knowing he would be the one to put a pin to the balloon of her excitement … it was surreal. this sort of thing happened to other people - to the people who came and went from the clinics in meldacio. it wasn’t meant to happen to them - not this. they’d already paid their dues in this life. they’d both played knock-knock on death’s door, they both had their scars and burdens to carry because of what happened back in the crown city … so why had the astrals taken this from them too?

’ i have some bad news sweetheart - i know it’s confusing for you, but remember how mommy was keeping your new brother or sister safe in her tummy? ’ fuck … fuck. fuck. fuck. this wasn’t fair. not even remotely fair - fuck the astrals and their elusive plan, the ends would never justify the means. not after everything they’d taken, not after all they’d allowed to happen. swallowing thickly, pelna looked up at the light overhead for a split second to steele himself before he shattered his daughter’s innocence.

’ well, mommy wasn’t feeling so good when uncle dave brought you to julia’s house for the sleepover and it turns out that the astrals decided that it wasn’t a good time for us to have another baby, so they took the baby back — they’re gonna take care of it until then … do you understand what i’m saying sweetheart? ’

please say yes. please, please say yes - pelna bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, trying to keep some semblance of a light tone in his voice as he waited for asha to register what he’d just said … he was a coward. fuck the astrals, and he’d still painted them as the good ones in that story, but he didn’t have it in him to turn his daughter’s world entirely on it’s head. he might be at odds with the astrals right now, but she still loved them … let her hold onto that for another while.

Mama hadn’t been feeling well, the astrals had taken the baby back because they didn’t want mama and daddy to have another little baby right now, so she’d had to stay at Julia’s  —  the dots were all there, all she had to do was try to join them all up.  

“So...” little brows furrowed in thought, Asha fell silent for a moment as she tried to piece it all together.  “So I’m not gonna get to be a big sister any more?”  Clutching her little Leviathan tightly, she turned her gaze downward.  “Because the astrals took the baby back?”  Little babies didn’t just disappear, they couldn’t ( or could they? ); so her daddy must be right, the astrals must’ve taken her little brother or sister back.

But why?

If the astrals had taken her little brother or sister back, if they were looking after the baby until then  —  why?  She’d been so excited and she really would be the best big sister ever, it wasn’t fair!

“But why did the astrals take the baby away, daddy?  Did we do somethin’ wrong?”  Finally, Asha drew her gaze back up, Leviathan pushed back onto the empty couch cushions.  “Was it because mama didn’t feel good?”

i might be little, but i’m the big sister!

he needed to dig that little t-shirt out of the chest of drawers before crowe found it. damn … she’d looked so pleased with that little shirt, and so had asha. gods, this was horrible. how was he meant to explain to her that things wouldn’t be like how they’d thought - she’d already run off telling julia and ryon how she was going to have a baby brother or sister and they weren’t. he’d rather go lose himself on a hunt over this, take a leaf out of someone else’s books and toss himself headlong into the highest rank hunt dave would let him go on.

at least he could fight a daemon or monster. right here now though, in the silence of the living room with asha’s big brown eyes looking up at him - there was no one to blame or fight, and that was the hardest part.

’ course you are. ’ pelna forced a soft smile, dipping his head to press a kiss to the top of his little girl’s head.

’ you remember how mom and me told you that you were gonna be a big sister? ’

Did she remember?  Of course she remembered that!  How could she forget?  She was gonna be the best big sister ever  —  she’d wear the t-shirt mama and daddy had shown her, she’d share the toys, she’d even give her new baby brother or sister one of her stuffed animals.  All she had to do was figure out which one.

But not her trusty Leviathan, though.  Never Levi!

“I remember,” Asha nodded, “An’ m’gonna give my little brother or sister one of the stuffed animals on the shelf in my room!”  Let’s see; not Levi, not the tonberry, one of the other ones.  “The cactuar!”

There.  That settled it.  She would keep Levi, the tonberry and the others and the new baby could have the cactuar to start their own collection.  But talking about stuffed animals wasn’t grown-up stuff, was it?  Nope.  Couldn’t be.  She’d never heard the adults talking about plushies and teddies before...

“Where’s mama?”

’ they ain’t my favourite creature, kiddo. ’

stabby little green fuckers. who the hell would dress their kid up as a tonberry for halloween? judging by the kid’s age, she had been born either just before the sun had went awol, or close after. that meant her parents were idiots - living in the hunters’ headquarters and they dressed their daughter as a daemon? lucians were strange. the longer he spent in this place, the stranger they became - he was pretty sure he’d seen someone walking around the place with a coeurl cub earlier too.

nodding his head, reno pushed away his own disdain, latching on to the mention of his younger brother once more.

’ yeah - reckon he’ll be pretty proud of you comin’ out with that one, lil’ lady. ’

a grimace and reno tensed, ready to go grab the kid as a truck rumbled through the outpost, but the girl thought better of her plan before she got to the top step of the porch … okay. so the kid’s mother could use magic. that meant her mama was a glaive then. and fire magic … mental note to figure out who the woman was and not to piss her off. 

’ uhh, well for fire, you could say ild, and for doctor you could call your papa læge. ’

Ild for mama with all her fire magic, læge for daddy and grandpa ‘cause they helped the broken hunters when they got home, solskin for uncle Loqi; all sounded simple enough.  But she wasn’t allowed to run off, mama had told her not to, so the new words would have to wait until later.  Maybe even tomorow for uncle Loqi  —  that long, impatience would drive her crazy!  

Maybe she could use the time to practice?

“Solskin,” she repeated, little brows kitting in concentration for just a moment, “Ild and  læge.”  Not quite the same as how Reno had said them but close enough for her.  “How’s that, Reno?”  Little more practice and she’d have them perfect.  Maybe.  Kinda.  If impatience or the draw of the pile of flyers didn’t drag her focus away first.  “Gonna practice ‘em until later,” a determined little nod, “Gotta get ‘em right.”

And for now, those words would have to do.  Single words, not enough to string a sentence together.  Not yet ... but maybe one day she’d be able to, maybe when the sun came back?

“D’you remember the sun?”

“Sure!”

How many times had she been told not to talk to strangers?  More times than she knew how to count!  They city was so much bigger than home, so many new people wandered around the busy streets ... but was he really a stranger?  No; not when she’d spotted her mama talking to him before.  So if he wasn’t a stranger, she was allowed to talk to him, right?  Right! 

“But mama and daddy say I shouldn’t talk t’people I don’t know,” grinning up, she swayed from side to side where she stood, “I’m Asha, who’re you?”

And, truth be told, she was.  Sat in the middle of the bench, her pattern book to one side while her yarn sat to the other, she’d managed to make her little crochet project take up the whole bench.  Oops.  With a little luck, she’d have cute little things to give all her friends by the time she was done but things were just taking a little longer than she’d hoped.  Some of those patterns were difficult.  Intricate…

But the effort would be worth it in the end.  Eventually.  If she ever got there.

“Wha..?  Oh, sorry.”  Lifting the book, she set it in her lap, dropped the yarn on top and shimmied down the bench to make room for Julia, “Here.  Room for both us now.”  Fishing the book back out, she flipped to the page detailing a pattern for a little malbo keyring and handed it across to her friend, “Need more green yarn before I can start it but what d’you think?”  

She should’ve known Asha would be excited about the crayons. Asha seemed to be excited about everything; Aideen hadn’t met anyone like her before ever.

Aideen caught the question amidst all the chatter and nodded quickly – yes, she did want to colour more.  She’d liked it before: a quiet (safe) activity with someone her own age, someone who she thought maybe liked her. But… who was Granny Ezma? And gloves because it was cold? Should… should Aideen have gloves?

“So all we gotta do is ask Granny Ezma if she can help us find a colourin’ in book ‘cause I ain’t got any posters left.”  Nope.  No flyers.  They’d coloured them all in before.  But even if they had no posters and even if Granny Ezma couldn’t find them one of the old colouring books, maybe they could do something else?

“But if we got nothin’ to colour in, maybe we could draw our own posters, huh?”  They both had their own crayons, surely they could come up with something to draw? 

And maybe along the way, Asha would find those missing gloves of hers  —  that way, mama wouldn’t have to find her a new pair.  Up the steps and through the door, she waited for Aideen to step inside before letting the door fall closed behind her.  

“What d’you think?”

two of the longest days he’d ever put down. even if he’d wanted it, sleep had evaded him. he’d tried. astrals, he’d tried on the second night, the medic in him trying to reign in some sort of control - a reprimand that a body couldn’t work without food or sleep. but how could he have slept soundly in that bedroom with an empty crib staring back at him from the corner they’d cleared out and set up for their new arrival.

the medic had yelled for him to get some sleep, while the parent in him had screamed for him to destroy the crib. neither had one out in the end though - no. it had been the quieter voice that had reminded him of their time and dwindling resources that had led to him dismantling the crib and dropping it off on dave’s porch, along with the clothes and other supplies their friends had offered.

daddy …

pelna blinked at the innocent question their little girl posed, big brown eyes peering up at him … fuck. swiping a hand over his jaw, stubble scratching at his palm as pelna shifted where he sat, pulling asha up onto his lap and reaching for the remote to turn off the television for a few minutes.

’ i need to talk to you about some grown up stuff, y'think you’re up to that प्रिय? ’

Glancing up as Malbuddy vanished from the television screen, Asha fixed her father with a curious gaze.  Quiet.  Everything was so quiet, especially now that they’d switched the cartoon off  —  silence.  And daddy was there but where was mama?  Had she gone to take a nap like Asha herself and the other kids sometimes did after they’d been running around?  

Too many questions!  

“Grown-up stuff?”  Asha nodded her understanding, trusty Leviathan hugged tightly against her chest, “I think m’up to it!”  

The adults never talked to the kids about the grown-up stuff; hunting, what happened to the broken hunters in daddy and grandpa’s clinic, what happened back in Insomnia before they all moved to Meldacio ... all of it was off the cards, it was grown-up stuff.  They were kids, they weren’t to worry, they were to have fun, enjoy themselves, be kids!  

So if they were gonna talk about that stuff now, was something wrong?

“What kinda grown-up stuff?”

More questions, but all easy to answer, like the ones Da had started asking when he realised she didn’t talk.

Did she like it here? A hesitant nod; this long tunnel was way better than the ‘Wood. It had more lights than the ‘Wood did, and the grownups acted nicer.

….but what were chocobos? Were they anything like ‘trices?

She was curious, but she cast a nervous glance to the forge. She didn’t want to go where Da couldn’t see her.

A nod!  Aideen liked it at Meldacio!  That was good  —  if she liked it there, maybe that’d mean that Tredd would decide to stay and then Aideen could join them all on the porch on the other days, too?  Maybe.  Maybe they’d all just have to wait and see?

But Aideen didn’t nod to her question about the chocobos, all she did was glance over toward Miss Sarah’s forge.  

“They’re only over there,” raising a hand, Asha pointed down a ways down the road, “An’ they’re really fluffy.  Maybe we can ask mama t’ask your dad if y’can come along?”

ooooh, good point. should probably check in with crowe and pelna first, last thing he wanted was them thinking their little girl had gone missing in the city. hand diving into his pocket, nyx tapped out a quick text and sent it to both of them; asha’s with me, gonna bring her to see lib and talcott for a bit.

‘ i just sent them a message, think they’ll be okay with it if they know you’re with me, huh? ’ 

down the narrow back street, bypassing the refugees that leaned against the wall by one of the dumpsters, chatting about some nif-lady, nyx swung his hand back and forth as asha skipped along next to him.

‘ — course we can, maybe he can show his grandpa’s diary and all this notes? ’ two curious heads were better than one, right? talcott loved talking about his grandpa’s notes and asha had an insatiable curiosity.

Around the corner, along the narrow street, Asha held tightly to Nyx’s hand as she skipped along by his side.  At the mention of the message, she turned her head to beam up at her uncle.  “Mama’s always tellin’ me not t’wander away too far when we’re visitin’, she says it ain’t like home.” Brows knitted in thought for a moment, she shook her head; course it wasn’t like home, too many streets!  “An’ I know that, uncle Nyx.  It’s a lot bigger than home.”

But if he’d sent a message to her parents then they’d know she hadn’t wandered off like they’d told her not to.  She was just visiting Talcott!

“D’you think Monica and Jeanne’ll mind us stoppin’ t’say hi?”  They were busy, mama and daddy said  —  they looked after the busy hunters in the city, kept everything running, handed out the bounties all the time.  But maybe if she kept to the side, talked to Talcott and out of the way of the busy hunters and the equipment, they wouldn’t mind her being there?  Only one way to find out!

Around another corner and onto a winding street, ever close to the square, Asha let her gaze wander along the length of the street  —  so many people!

“D’you think Talcott’ll have notes about Levi, uncle Nyx?  Or chocobos?”

‘ m’never too busy for you, squirt … you sure he’s back yet? i think he might still be on a hunt - think we should check in with jeanne and monica first? ’

Oooh.  If they checked in with Jeanne and Monica, that’d mean they had to go to the big square where all the hunters went before they went to the big wall.  Even better!  Trips to Lestallum were fun, sure, but without Ryon, Julia or Aideen for company, things got really, really boring sometimes.

“D’you think mama an’ daddy’ll think it’s ok?  But if we’re gonna see Jeanne and Monica, can we say hi to Talcott, too?  He knows eeeeeverything, uncle Nyx!”

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