stay swag, depressed, and fucking cunty₊⊹

i.

The Feeling Child

im scared to talk about my feelings because it all sounds stupid, or is it because im scared that if i open up, people are going to leave me?

that no matter what i do, they'll end up slipping through my fingers like fine sand and ill be left alone, again. maybe I'm really just an idiot after all, im always wary of opening up yet in the end i always get attached.

maybe mum was right, i grew up too fast.

i was exposed to things i was never supposed to see. maybe I could go back to that kid who enjoyed other people's company, the kid who didn't seem to care what others thought about her. when days were simple and i didn't have a care in the world. maybe i could be that child again.

ii.

What I Was and Am Supposed to Let Go

sometimes i feel like my emotions are a mess, because they are.

i constantly forget things that are important but the memories of things that have hurt or made me feel something warm are always stacked in a certain compartment in my little mind.

i tried to remember what it felt like back in those times.

the hurt and shock when Theo left, the laughter i shared with my friends, the pain of betrayal, the love we both shared.

but which one of those memories were really the cause of all this? the emptiness i feel inside even when i laugh, the random episodes of loneliness and hurt, it all didn't connect. it never did.

maybe it was the pain of forcing myself to try and move on when i knew i couldn't.

maybe it was because i forced myself to move on when i shouldn't have.

maybe i was to hold on to those very same memories that shaped the person that i am today.

iii.

Academic Achiever Disorder

even with all my first place medals, achievements, awards, i still felt like a walking second place medal in everything else. the weight of silver buckets hanging off my shoulders while i worked my way up the hill only to find a mountain.

i remember being a kid who was so determined to be at the top. and then i became a slouch, a stranger to my own personality. i remember being a hardworking third grader with sparkles in her eyes and greater grades than my own. i wonder what she'd tell me now, that ive become a shell of my own being. I wonder if she'd smile and tell me everything would be alright as long as i kept trying, or if she would look at me, then frown at how useless ive become.

or maybe she'd remind me that no matter how hard life may get, we have ourselves to count on, even if we don't believe it. we may have lost a lot of things along the way, some things we thought would be forever. she'd smile at me then start to fade as i tried to grasp on a stack of fog, only to wake up from a fever dream.

[this isn't exactly the final thingg?? so opinions are really welcome because i wrote this out of nowhere at like 9pm two weeks ago and the og one was WAAAYY longer and shittier so yeah tell me whatcha guys think!!]

✰ USAGE RULES .ᐟ Please credit @angeliicide in the post you use my work! You may also credit me in your pinned or somewhere else visible on your blog. Please do not reupload or alter my dividers.

HIII MIPPPYYY

HIII MIPPPYYY