Because we live in a society that demands sex as much as it punishes it. That both glorifies and demonizes sex. Sex is only good within very specific contexts but if you don’t like those contexts or act within them, suddenly you are perverse and wrong. Even people with healthy relationships to sex, relationships, and attraction still face pitfalls that complicate matters–partners who don’t have healthy relationships or maybe they can’t get a partner at all. Break ups. Factors that affect their libidos or interest in relationships. Periods where sex and romance don’t matter at all because something else is a priority.

And of course, your gender, sexual orientation, race, class, and every other identity impacts not just YOUR relationship to sex and all that but also everyone ELSE’S relationship and response to your sex, relationships, attraction. And the identities of the people you are and aren’t attracted to impacts that too! From the race of your partner to same gender relationships to people who prefer fat partners to whatever the fuck else… all of this impacts the complications around sex, relationships, and attraction.

And yet it is only people on the ace and aro “spectrums” who are obsessed with pretending their relationships to these things are wholly unique or special. That they have created new social classes. They are obsessed with feeling different because they think there is some homogeneous relationship to sex and love that the rest of the world is partaking in that they are somehow excluded from. When really everyone has something complicated from, their own hyper specific contexts where they do or don’t want sex or love or whatever.

Nothing about your relationship to sex or love makes you more or less LGBT. If you are gay and don’t want to have sex, ever, you are still gay. If you are cisgender and straight and only feel capable of sexual desire for longterm monogamous partners and even then, you only want to fuck on Tuesday mornings and Friday nights.. you’re still straight. You haven’t discovered a new class of heterosexuality that is “queer’ or different. Rather, EVERY person who is heterosexual is different in how they perform or experiecne it. You are the same in your difference. A cishet who doesn’t ever want sex because of trauma is no more or less cishet than one who wants sex all the time because of trauma or a cishet who doesn’t ever want sex because they don’t feel sexual attraction or whatever else.

TERF DOGWHISTLES:

urls with an emphasis on female reproductive organs (“uterus-femme” etc)

the phrases “radical feminist/radfem” and “gender critical/gendercrit” in their bios

“TIMs” - a phrase used by terfs to misgender trans women

anti-sex worker sentiment - not all TERFs are SWERFs, but most are

NOT TERF DOGWHISTLES:

not liking the q slur

being an ace exclusionist

truscum/transmeds, while they do suck, are not TERFs

being a lesbian ??? i see so many people who are like “hey i see you use the d slur. are you a terf?” stop being lesbophobic

You just shot yourself in the foot with your own damn ignorance, bye.

Also, the term "queer" is inclusive of all non heteromantic heterosexual people. Some people may have trauma with it, which is valid. But it is a valid identity nonetheless. It may be a slur but it is a reclaimed one.

And acephobes aren't "meanies", they are bigots who do more harm to an innocent community than anything. Don't fucking belittle the discrimination I an asexual face on the internet and this society. Living in an allonormative, heteronormative, and amatonormative society is inherently oppressive and is tied to ableism and the rampant aphobia, queerphobia, homophobia, etc. We face. People have threatened to kill me because I am aromantic asexual. A teenage girl got murdered because she was outed as asexual. Asexuals have dealt with corrective r•pe and sexual violence. We have been kicked out of homes and certain countries try to force conversion therapy on us. Thave been aces who were given death threats because of ace exclusionists. Do not delegitimize the struggles and discrimination we face, by calling our oppressors and discriminators "meanies". One of the first steps to TERF recruitment is turning the LGBTQ+ community against itself and the people within it.

The LGBTQ+ community is NOT oppression Olympics or a playground for bigotry. It's a community. But, you are forcing me to express the oppression and discrimination I face as an asexual for you to consider me a valid member of the LGBTQ+ community. Which is frankly disgusting. Asexuals have always been part of the LGBTQ+ community, as have aromantics. Do not ever forget that.

Also, did you know that just like... how there are homophobic gay people? Biphobic bi ppl? Trans ppl can be transphobic too. Do more research before you pull this outta your ass.

Trans people who have internalized transphobia are more likely to be transmeds/truscum/Terfs. This is just a fact. They are more likely to be transphobic towards others, because they are transphobic towards themselves. I didn't overcome and destroy my internalized transphobia for you to make a joke out of the harm and dangers of internalized transphobia and TERF rhetoric. I am a trans person and I damn fucking sure I know more about my own community and what constitutes as dog whistles to potential oppression towards me and my own community.

• So you've acknowledged that you're a trans aro-ace and that TERFs aren't a fan of you. Can I suggest that it's probably NOT the aro-ace part? Just thinking aloud here.

• Blaire White is not a TERF, she's a bigot. She doesn't believe in any feminist cause, that's kinda the point, she's just a right-winger. TERFs need to have the aesthetics of feminism and the alleged support of others. If you watch the content of Blaire White (not for fun but for the understanding of the enemy) you'll learn she doesn't do any of that she was huge on the antifeminism and antiSJW scenes back in 2014-2016. (man am I old to remember that so well)

• okay this whole acephobia to TERF/bigot pipeline thing is a bit difficult you see, the idea for example that a cis het couple who doesn't have sex all that much can be added into the LGBT community which needs the support of eachother to live our lives is a difficult conversation. I understand that the difficulty in life that comes from what I would describe as "flat out" ace/aro people could need a community to support them as trying to live without any sexual contact in a relationship can mean a number of conversations and arguments. However, there are so many degrees that show up now with the MOGAI stuff that need to be addressed less as a sexual orientation but more as a decrease in libido or something that may need to be looked into as a result of prior experiences, i.e. trauma.

• corrective rape and other experiences are horrific to anyone and there is no one making light of that, so to say or imply that is to take ligmacourse's arguments out of context (at the BIGGEST stretch and mental gymnastics known to man) or literally making things up.

• the conversation of acephobes are meanies is that to a degree, anyone outside of your romantic or physical relationships, saying anything against you cannot really affect you and are basically just meanies online. That's a pretty light deal to face in comparison to trans people who are doxxed, hunted, delegitimised, and so many other things that are WAY more extreme. This has to be something you understand right? How many videos do you see from the regular right-winger crowd of the "asexual agenda"?

• okay there's a lot on that last point that is a lot of your own pain and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand those feelings, being a genderfluid/transfemme non binary individual, and an open bisexual who was raised in THE CHURCH™ those feelings of self suppression and repression do suck. However, not everyone on the internet knows that and so you cannot fly off the handle like that at someone who doesn't know your story, relax, it's the internet, people don't know you and you aren't some people's entire world and focus. Secondly, I literally research dogwhistles, it's what I do almost full time now and I make videos explaining them and working through them. Now I'm not saying my knowledge and list is entirely flawless but I've definitely not come across this as a dogwhistle.

• you have to be nice to people if they are meant to be nice to you, if people say they have a problem with the word queer, steer clear of it. Personally I would say the best ruling is that don't use it until the people you know around you are okay with it because then it helps protect people against that hurt like you would want to be protected against your hurt.

So last month I was accepted into my dream school with a scholarship in creative writing!! Unfortunately, I owe past due tuition at another school that I attended for literally one day years ago. With this debt unpaid, I am not able to receive my transcripts proving my withdrawal from that school which I need in order to register for classes this Fall. On top of that my account has been placed with the Attorney General’s Office of my state.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve raised 300 dollars and I am so grateful. Please keep reblogging and boosting and donate if you can! Every little penny counts! 💕💕

https://cash.app/$IjaneeNetter

paypal.me/Ijanee

543/1159! 💕

Update: I fr cannot win for losing. Just got off the phone with the DOJ and they raised the debt. I paid off what was on my Venmo card because my PayPal card hasn’t came in yet. I would love to have this paid off ASAP. Keep boosting and donate if you can! 💕

Update: I’ve been so busy preparing for the move I forgot to update! I just paid off some of the debt. I’m paying the rest off on Monday thank God! I want to thank everyone who has made this possible! I fr cried when I reached my goal! Thank you so much! 😭😭

Update 8/9: I can’t believe it I just paid off the rest of my debt! Thank you to everyone who has made this possible! I just called my old school and requested everything. Thank you again and again and again! 😭😭💕💕

I also sent the rest of my money to my current school for housing. My scholarship only covered tuition. So far I’ve applied for a grant, an emergency loan, and work study but until then I am officially broke and my housing has to be paid off by 09/05. Please please please keep boosting as much as possible and donate if you have the means!! 💕 (Sorry for the picture quality, I had to take it off my old laptop.)

people will say im normal, but in the same breath say im just demi because of trauma, or my meds

because when they start grilling me about my mental health, trauma, and meds, this is not longer about some uwu cuhringey identity

its about both arophobia and ableism

gay men not being able to donate blood comes from a bigger problem that affects all gay men. you know, that little historical moment called the aids crisis?

gay men cant donate blood bc we are considerated giant buckets of disease, and this is not THE bigger problem, that is just the consequence of a series of problems that happened and keep happening to us and it doesnt JUST affect the ones that want to donate blood but all of us.

there are a lot of reasons (dangerous ones) im which might cause low libido and your doctor needs to know. yes, you might simply be whateversexual, but low libido might come from serious issues and you cant simply say “its not that” bc it might cause problems. and i say that as someone who suffered heavily from it due to lack of exercise + insonmia + anti depression meds. a lot of times medication is the cause of low libido.

and okay, how qbout abuse. and r*pe. all of that common abuse? of ‘oh, youll find the right one’

an asexual woman saying no to a man has the same chances of being abused than any other woman. your sexuality doesnt matter bc the reason the abuse is happening in the first place is bc men believe they own women’s bodies. is not “i dont want you to be asexual” is “i dont want you to say no to me”.

and again, this is not systematic opression, and these comments can be said about anyone and anything, not only sexuality.

my brother who is 17 wants to work with vídeo games, my parents say is just a phase. is he opressed for it? were I opressed when i was emo and my parents said the same thing? (they were right but like lmao)

yeah here

I think -romantic identities are actively harmful and shouldn’t be used at all.

“Romantic” orientations require a sexualization of literally every single person who does not use the Split Attraction Model. And it specifically hurts bisexuals because every other sexuality has an “alternate” term that does not use the suffix -sexual (ie heterosexuals have straight and we’re all not assholes who call gay people homosexauls… we call them gay and lesbians). 

And… it actually hurts ace people too.

Let me explain. Bisexual means “attracted to two or more genders.” That’s it! That means you should not assume this person experiences romantic OR sexual attraction, just that in some way, they are non-platonically attracted to multiple genders–typically their own and others. When you enforce “the suffix -sexual means sexual attraction,” that means that everyone who identifies as bisexual (including minors, survivors, sex repulsed people) experiences sexual attraction, recognizes that they experience sexual attraction, and does not have a complicated relationship with sexual attraction. Unless someone “outs” themselves as biromantic instead, every single bisexual is assumed to experience and enjoy sexual attraction and desires. The only way they can avoid this is by using the term “bi” instead, furthering the stigma concerning bisexual people and sex in general.

That actively hurts ace people. Instead of normalizing the idea that ANYONE can be ace or aro or have a complicated relationship with sex and romance, it instead says “Presume everyone experiences both forms of attraction and enjoys it until otherwise stated.”

So, they’ve created a society where aces and aros are made more “invisible,” where people who may genuinely have REALLY traumatic relationships with sex and romance are sexualized without consent (and who maybe DO experience sexual attraction but do not want to have an identity that centralizes around sex and only sex), and where cis straight people take us even less seriously before because they always knew LGBT identities were about sex, now didn’t they?

Which is why at this point a lot of aces object that “People already think the suffix -sexual is about sex!” Which is the most moronic, pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard. If someone thinks it’s about sex, correct them. Tell them it’s actually an outdated reference to “sex” as in gender. Heterosexual means attracted to the other (hetero) gender (SEXual). That’s why we also have the outdated term tr*nss*xual (across gender).

The real solution here is either give up the ghost and asexuality and aromanticism are modifiers and not orientations. They are non-essential modifiers that can help with interpersonal relationships and can be helpful labels for those who are trying to find validity in their experiences but carries no social capital. This means you can be a “cishet ace” which is a cis heterosexual ace, no more of this “-romantic” bullshit.

Or we take the better route and make “asexual” mean “attracted to no genders,” which would make it a valid orientation (as aroace is now) and actually relevant to a lot of discussions about identity.  I think this one is less likely to happen.

But… I’m gonna say something controversial here. I don’t think both solutions can happen at the same time. Aces who use ace to mean does not experience sexual attraction CONSTANTLY snipe about being ace doesn’t mean they can’t love romantically. Having ace mean both “does not experience sexual attraction” AND “do not experience sexual AND romantic attraction” actively hurts ace interests. Because it also hurts aces who use it to mean “aroace” and are thus assumed to be romantically available because all the other aces mean it to just mean “lacks sexual attraction, trust me I still wanna date and cuddle and even maybe have sex tho.”

It seems to me, genuinely, almost all attempts at creating language for ace and aro experiences has been done thoughtlessly, without any grounding in reality or consideration of consequence. It’s an incoherent identity that mistakenly sexualizes every single non-ace person and actually quite a few ace people.

for example- gay is not a slur, since it’s a term gay people chose for ourselves, but is frequently used as an insult because of homophobia. in contrast, dyke is a slur because it originated as a way to criticize stereotypical lesbians, then was later reclaimed by some wlw.

slurs cannot be universally reclaimed. a word does not go from a slur to “no longer a slur.” like that’s not how this works lol, and there will always be people who are uncomfortable with a slur you reclaim.

Queer became an insult because queer people identified as queer. It does not have to be reclaimed because we never lost our claim in the first place.

phrases such as “not gay as in happy but queer as in fuck you” originated when protests were sparked in the 80′s and 90′s by police violence and the aids crisis- but we had already been called queer as in strange or perverse long before its reclaimation, and that was used to grab the attention of our oppressors. it was used in protests precisely because of its status as a slur, because back then, it was seen as an ugly word. it made cishet people UNCOMFORTABLE to see a slur be reclaimed, which made the movement gain momentum. 

“yes this is the not experiencing sexual attraction spectrum, we don’t experience sexual attraction except for those of us who do”

and then when you ask where that spectrum of NOT experiencing but sometimes experiencing sexual attraction ends and you get accused of being a bigot. as if it’s wrong to want to know at what point a person who experiences sexual attraction and likes to fuck stops being asexual…

this is a clear symptom of how people feel otherized from their sexual desire. like in a culture that shames sexuality as much as it overemphasizes it, a lot of people feel this obvious need to qualify their sexual desires.

‘i experience less sexual attraction than others, so i’m ace but like… grey’ (didn’t know we had an average but sure) and ‘i don’t experience sexual attraction but i can still want sex’ (ie sex positive ‘aces’) and ‘i’m demisexual so unlike the rest of y’all, i fall in love with the person and only desire sex after’ (even though i’ve seen some of these people claim to also still like casual sex?)

all seem like responses to a society that tells them that plain sexual desire is selfish, gross, deviant, or perverted.

so, it turns into hiding your sexual attraction and sexual desires under language that diminishes them or makes it seem like you aren’t as sexual as everyone else. you want sex or appreciate people’s looks for better, elevated reasons than everyone else, escaping the taint of it all. you want sex but you don’t need it. you don’t get horny, you just ‘have a libido and will find a partner to sate it.’

you can have your repression and eat/fuck it, too.

rather than normalizing your own desires and embracing them, you find ways to act on them and feel them while creating a safe distance so you don’t ever internalize them? they are something removed from the core of who you are. you are other from them and the ‘sex crazed’ society, by choice, because you would never be so low as to be driven by base desires like everyone else.

and hypersexualision (top/bottom becoming the new 'whos the girl', being bi is somehow abt being sex and genital obsessed, being 'pure ace unlike those gross allos' (never talking specifically abt straight ppl), transwomen being seem as a fetish and not as people)

both of these show how lgbt peoples relationships w sex and themselves have been warped by our lgbt-phobic society

ace people butting their heads in with weird, out of touch, and incorrect ideas about sex and sexual attraction is not going to be helpful or healthy for anyone

sexual attraction includes wanting to have sex, and if you do not want to have sex, you are either ''allo'' or should not be having sex