elevated thoughts; a sense sublime

i am just struggling. with my body. with my image. i don’t know what it is. i am in love - i am loved. and i don’t hate who i am necessarily, but i just get so frustrated with my body and appearance. 

a little over a year ago, i was about 10lbs lighter than i am now. and the year before that i was 10 lbs heavier than i am now.  when i was lighter, i didn’t even know how much i weighed. and i didn’t know how much weight i had lost until i came home and could see it on people’s faces. they kept complimenting me. making jokes about how now that i am home, i will gain it back. and i did. plus some. i don’t know if it would have made me happy to know that i was at that certain weight, but now that i know how “good” i looked, i am fixated on becoming that size again. 

but even at that size, i wasn’t happy. that’s what’s so twisted. i fixated. i nitpicked. i stared at myself. i saw flaws in all who i was. but now i long to be her again. 

or is it nature