Asauce Writes

I’m full of pizza. I always eat too much. I have a slight headache. I’m tired. I can’t wait until I’m on my “vacation”. I wish I had more monies. I’m not writing a story today obviously. I’ll try tomorrow I guess. 

I stared out the window and I saw a furry white rabbit hopping by. I wondered if it had any baby rabbits. It had happened before in our yard. I had seen one bunny and then weeks later I saw like four hopping around. One time, I tried to chase one of them. The chase didn’t last long because those little rascals are fast. But it was fun, I would do it again.

Close your eyes

Dream of blue skies

Scope out birds in flight

Flapping wings dark as night

 Stand on an green isle

Feeling alone and in denial

Wish to return to your homeland

Question to God how you can

 Scan down in your wide view

Zoom in on the ocean blue

Bopping calmly up and down

View a sailboat that is brown

 Standing tall is your lover

Believe this will last forever

Open your eyes and you knew

It was wild. The way the clothes moved around in the dryer. I could watch it for hours as the white socks kept moving around and around in a circular motion. It was an early Saturday morning and my mom and I were at the laundromat.

I didn’t mind coming here, it was actually relaxing for awhile. Especially If you just concentrated on all the sounds: the machines washing and drying, the quarters being inserted in the machine, and the tv blaring another episode of Maury. He was the not the father. 

“Boy, help me fold these clothes,” my mother said to grab me out of my dryer trance.  “You love to stare at that dryer.” 

“The clothes look so cool as the go ‘round,” I said as I joined my mom at the folding table. The pile of underwear, shirts, and socks was still warm from the drying machine. My mom always made me do the socks, so I instinctively started separating the socks out. Hopefully we didn’t lose any socks. Last month, we lost like 2 socks and I had to wear mismatched socks to school last week.

 “Do you have any homework to do this weekend?” she asked. 

“Yeah, we had to read a story, but I did it yesterday after school”

“Good, you make sure we ain’t lost no more socks, okay”

“Okay” 

I hate to be ignored.

I guess it’s a dish-it-can-take-it-back kind of thing.

I honestly love attention, I love when all eyes are on me.

At least when I want them too.

But yes, I can ignore like nobody’s business.

I can definitely like be in a box with you and look past you.

You become invisible to me.

But I can’t stand to be ghosted. I can stand to be ignored.

It’s definitely some ego type of thing. Like I feel like I’m just this awesome person, it’s like how dare you deny my awesomeness. How dare you not see this beautiful, intelligent, unique being in front of you. Like youuu, ignore meeee?!!

As I was driving to work today, I had some thoughts about who I am and how I was raised.

I was raised to have a good time. In that I know how to laugh, smile, and make jokes. But I don’t think anyone ever taught me how to deal with my feelings, specifically like anxiety. I just can’t help thinking about (or worrying about) what’s coming next or what’s going to happen. How is it going to happen? Will it be hard to deal with or will it be easy? I can’t help it, that’s how I think.

I definitely learned how to hide these feelings and put on an aire of I don’t care. Even though that was not true. If I told myself I didn’t care then that made me not care I guess. But I see now as a full fledged adult who pays bills and all, anxiety is there. It’s everywhere. And I’m more of aware of when I’m anxious and I can articulate those feelings. Sometimes I think through all the possible scenarios and I tell myself it won’t be as bad as I can imagine. And it helps. Sometimes I just take a deep breath or drink some water, or like a candle or take a shower. I take care of myself and my mind. And it helps. 

I hid under the covers. I didn’t want the monster to find me. I didn’t want the monster to eat me. I didn’t want the monster to kill me. I had never seen the monster before, but I had seen its shadow for about 10 seconds in the hallway. It kind of look like a big tall dinosaur with a spiky tall. I think it had  a huge head and gigantic nose. 

I didn’t  know how long I would have to wait under here. If it got too warm, I would have to peek through the covers to let in some cool air. Hopefully the monster wouldn’t see me if I did . I could hear him breathing now. The monster took long deep breaths about every 45 seconds. It sounded like he was close, but I couldn’t tell. I was scared the monster could hear me breathing, so I tried to hold my breath. 

I heard footsteps . The wooden floorboard in the hallways was creaking. The monster was coming closer!! I grabbed the covers tightly toward my body. I was done holding my breathing as I could feel the my breath increase in pace. I feel the air hurrying out my chest up through by body, out my mouth,  and then bouncing off the covers landing on my nose. The footsteps were even louder, the monster had to be right by my bedroom door.

Suddenly, my whole blanket turned bright white. Someone had turned on the lights in my room.

I literally have no motivation to write anything.

My mind is drawing a blank.

No inspiration today.

I’ll try to come back to see if something comes/goes.

This is so hard to do.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”

We both threw out rock.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”

He threw out paper to cover my rock.

I hated that rule. It didn’t make any sense. A rock could destroy paper any day.

Regardless, I had lost. 

I couldn’t ask her out. But he could. He didn’t even love her like I did. He wasn’t even studying her until two days ago when they had to be in a group together.  It wasn’t fair, I never got anything I wanted. But maybe she would say no. Maybe she didn’t like him. Maybe she noticed me noticing her. Maybe she noticed how I would always hang by entrance door everyday after school just so I could say hi. I always wanted to say more, but when I would see her my thoughts would vanish and I would forget everything I wanted to say.

I don’t really feel like writing a story today

It’s hot

I don’t have air conditioning

So I can’t really focus on writing

Cause I just keep thinking about how hot it is

And much I wish I wasn’t hot and sweaty right now

But if I just stay still

I’ll be cool until I have to move again

Should I buy an air conditioner?

I just don’t want my light bill to go up

Because I would have it on all the time

We will see, I guess. if I can survive

I mean I’m sure I’ll survive, so I guess

Will it be livable, habitable this summer.

He woke up to the smell of bacon on a Saturday morning while the sounds of gospel music permeated throughout the small 2 bedroom house. 

“Get on up Stoke, we got a lot to do today.” Her voice rang loud in Stokely’s ears even though she was only few feet away from him.  Stokley slowly opened up his eyes to a room full of rays of sunshine. He loved that  feature about his small room, it would light up in the morning, and then get so dark at night. Stokely didn’t feel like getting up just yet, so he rolled over in his twin size bed  as he now faced towards the wall. He would just need five more minutes then he would get up. But Stokely knew he had to get up before she made her way back around to his room from the kitchen. Lord knows he didn’t want to hear Sara’s mouth.

Saturdays morning was always for cleaning. That was a tradition in Sara Jackson’s childhood home. She had a big family as a child, 8 siblings: four brother, and four sisters. Everyone had to help out with the cleaning. Sara had cleaned almost every inch of that 2 floor home.  From the kitchen, to the living room, to the dining room, to the bathroom, she had done it all. So naturally she passed this tradition on to her son Stoke. She felt with cleaning came discipline and clean home of course. And Sara couldn’t live in no nasty house. 

It had been a couple of days since Mr. Williams got the news about his mother’s passing. He had cried so much he didn’t know if there was any water left in his body. That night he cried for unknown amount of hours until he went to sleep. When he woke up, Stoke quickly packed a bag of clothes, jumped his car a drove 6 hours to his small hometown. Seeing her lifeless body in the presence of his aunties and uncles, made him break down again. He just couldn’t believe she was gone, but now he had the proof. Sara Jean Jackson was gone. He could still feel that deep pain in his gut two days later. It was an almost empty feeling in the pit of his belly. 

Stokely grabbed his remote to turn on his tv. He always watched the news when get got home from work. He opened on the window by his bed to let the breeze in. The wind felt good on his skin. Stokely took a deep breath as the wind from blew past his face. He could finally relax after a long week at Booker T Washington Elementary School. Those kids sure knew how to work his nerves. He couldn’t wait for the school year to end in two weeks. No kids, no papers to grade, Mr. Williams would be free from the tyranny of the public system. 

Stokely hadn’t decide if he wanted to stay at his current school or try his chance at his hometown school, Edison Elementary. On one hand he built his career at Booker T and developed a love for the community there. But the whole reason Stokley got into teaching was because he saw the need in his public schools for improvement in the quality of  teachers. Stokely decided when he was junior in high school that he would pursue education. He wanted improve the conditions he saw around him. Mr Williams knew he would have to come back to his community and give back everything and some more than they had gave him. But Stokley hadn’t decided when that would be and if they should be now.

 He figured he had the whole summer to decide what he was going to do. For now, he leaned back in his recliner has he took another sip from his glass of ice water that he always had when he came home. On the news another person had been shot in the neighborhood of Booker T. Washington Elementary. Mr. Williams knew on Monday his students would tell him all about the person that had been shot.  Such was the reality were those young people lived.

 Suddenly his phone rang. An unknown number was calling. Well Stokley recognized the area code but not the number specifically. So he answered it figuring it was probably a spam caller.

 “Hello,” he said  suspiciously.

“Hey stoke, baby, this your auntie Florida, I got some bad news ”

 “What is it Auntie Flo?”

“Well, sugar, your mom passed away this morning”

Light, camera, action, flash. He readjusted the camera towards my nude body. 

I liked being naked in front of the camera, It wasn’t that bad, it helped me feel free. There was nothing to hide. All my scars and imperfections are there for the world to see. But sometimes I feel trapped in my own skin. Like my skins is another layer of clothing that exist over my real self. Will I ever truly be free of this skin I’m in?

 I thought about this as he continue to take photos of me.This was supposed to be my big break. But it sure didn’t feel like it. I just hoped I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I hoped these didn’t end up online on some porn site somewhere.

 I trusted him though. At least I would get few hundred bucks out of it. Maybe more he said. He’s done pictures for tons of people before. I saw it on his instagram and website.

 “Just a few more, ” he said.

I turned my body to give a few profile shots.

Click, Flash. Click. Flash.

 “I think we got it, that’s a wrap”

Hayden headed to the fridge to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was his comfort food when he was feeling sad. Hayden has just found out he failed his math midterm final. Well actually he passed, he got a D. How could he become an engineer if he didn't pass this class?

 Hayden plopped down on his bed as he continued to eat his sandwich. Maybe he failed  because he had a lot on his mind. Well at least one thing. Her. Jessica. She’s all he could think about. Hayden always saw her walking across the quad, but it seems she didn’t even know that he existed.

Hayden grabbed his laptop of his desk. Returning to his bed he swept off the breadcrumbs from the sandwich so he could make a clean spot for his macbook. A few minutes later, he found himself staring at Jessica’s facebook profile and pictures. He decided to just send her message. 

“Hi”

 Would she respond back? He sat there trying to catch his breath. His heartbeat increased. About 30 seconds later, Jessica was typing something back. 

It was like fire. I could see it in his eyes. He was pissed off. He was angry, I didn’t mean to hurt him. I made a mistake, I know. I told him I was sorry, even though really I wasn’t. But I cared about his feelings, but I had to do what I had to do.

 Aaron was my boyfriend of three years. We had both just graduated from college. I was off to chase my dreams in the big, windy city, while Aaron was going to stay in our small town of Lindsville. The problem was I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him I was leaving him tomorrow,  the day after our graduation. He found out from my mom accidentally, when she was talking on the phone to me.

“Michael, I just thought we would have more time together. I can’t believe you would do this me!”

 His anger was now turning into sadness with tears. He wept.

I tried to comfort him, but he wouldn’t let me touch him. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.

 We stood there for many awkward moments, until I decided to leave.

 “I’ll give you some time and space to think,” I said. “I call you later”