.as.a.mind.

I don’t know if it’s the anger or the sadness,

but something has been eating me away

I can’t see to put my finger on it,

but its there,

clear as day,

what is it and how did it start,

is it my fault it’s here

or did it just appear.

Most importantly -

it it forever going to be here

you find people,

they click and they stay,

but lately it hasn’t been feeling this way.

Instead it feels like people have been living,

far, far away

doing their own stuff

and here I am 

thinking they will all stay

oblivious to the fact that they 

never ever meant

how it’s hard to leave, but even harder to come back.

I find it truly amusing how people sit and cry

for leaving all of their past behind.

I do it too, so I don’t judge, but I gotta say

it funny how we all think we can’t live without something

strongly, 

for the depts of your existence 

no other person can replace them.

So if you find yourself crying at night,

clenching a pillow to your chest

missing them -

don’t go looking for them in somebody else.

You won’t find them.

Your soul is missing somebody,

a piece is missing

and you can’t trick your soul

into thinking it’s whole,

and watch houses burn to the ground,

playgrounds with their old swings creek under the pressure of the flames.

I want all that not just to watch distruction,

but also the witness the becoming of ash.

I am writing this, because I hope it reaches someone someday and you read this and you become calm. 

Because it wasn’t love from first sight in my case, but it’s the best, the only love I’ve ever known. 

I hope you read this and you realise that you shouldn’t sit around and wait for that guy to bump into you in the school hallway.

I can’t tell you what our first “moment” of interaction was, but now I can’t go a day without his voice. 

I hope you read this and go out there to be yourself. Because the truth is - what’s meant for you is going to come find you. You are young, no matter what age - if you are still alive, you are young - the things meant for you are coming and once they arrive, you are going to be happy you lived and smiled and cried and went out with your friends for drinks. 

I hope you realise that you can, in fact, make the first move, but if he doesn’t respond, you should leave. 

Because

What’s

Fucking

Meant 

For

You

Is all

Yours 

To keep.

I could never tell you how much I love him, because no words describe it.

I can hope you realise, yes realise, that your person is out there. 

If you are reading this and you don’t hope or believe in love - remember, the right person is going to change all that for you.

between my fingers,

frozen grip,

I feel like I need to remind myself of the things 

that will stay.

My dog will stay,

bless her soul,

I get to cuddle her every morning,

she is across the world,

she is right next to me,

owns my soul.

The beautiful sky

every morning

the sun will rise,

a new day,

a new chance,

some things don’t change 

and about the ones that do -

embrace it, feel it,

let it shine through your loneliest days.

Made it this far,

finishing line is the closest star.

Do you feel the light at night,

is like breaking the light switch and watching the room flash into complete darkness.

Yes, there is a window,

but the room is still dark and I am still alone. 

It might not be the end of all and everything,

but sitting in that room,

craving light,

knowing I will only get it at sunrise,

feels like waiting upon something less.

I can try to close my eyes, but darkness follows me even there.

Waiting upon light,

any light that’s not you,

feels like settling for the wrong thing.

It feels like it will always,

always be less

and I will always,

always crave more.

It’s like being on death row - 

nothing ahead,

a lot behind. 

What I’m trying to say

is you leaving 

feels like the death of something.

but none of them stick? 

It’s like playing bear pong with a blindfold,

my love life is.

Never right, just never right,

close enough,

but still out of sight. 

And how am I supposed to write great stories,

when I feel like I am living

in a cage

build up from my own ribs,

surrounding me and pushing in - 

you

you

you

you 

you are all that’s on my mind.

It’s you when the sun rises and I'm still sound asleep,

its you when I sit down with a book to read.

It’s you when I am in class, listening to yet another teacher

trying to teach something of sleek, unimportant matter. 

It’s you that should be kissing my lips every time I  find the strength to open them and say that I miss you.

You should be here now,

fuck now,

you should be here always,

to hold me, to love me,

to teach more about love with every single passing day.

Regardless of me wanting you forever 

I have the feeling that I might never 

get to hold your hand  with the knowledge 

that I won’t have to let it go.

I think maybe it just wasn’t destined

for you and I 

to continue finding peace

in each other’s existences. 

You have no idea how angry it makes me,

baby,

to think that I shall miss you

like this 

long after the sun has set 

and the book is read,

the teacher has walked away

and the classroom is left

only dimly lit by the burning flame

of my deep sorrowed regret.

Why, oh why, baby, 

to try and stop breathing

and it has been working out for the most part.

I’ve been out of breath and 

out of breath

and out of mind

Spending days on bicycles 

laughing the little things off 

Oh 

she is a pretty girl 

Doesn’t care much for it 

Cuz so much more stuff has been going on

Fo example she sees the sky and she questions

Why the sky is blue instead  of white 

Or why clouds are hanging up so high.

But oh she doesn’t overthink 

Doesn’t drink that poison anymore 

No she lets it all go

Just a question here 

Maybe a tiny tear 

In the back of her head 

Doesn’t let it roll down those rose cheeks

Nah no time for crying 

And then she lets it 

Oh 

Oh 

She let it all go 

She is a happy girl

Finally finally happy you see

She broke herself a little bit 

To get to this 

But wasn’t it all worth it 

I mean look at all 

All 

All of this 

All of this happy and no sad 

All of this happy and no sad 

Oh cuz she is a happy girl 

No cigarette in her left hand

Happy girl 

No alcohol on her breath

What a happy girl 

Spending days on bicycles 

Laughing the little things off 

Oh how good it feels 

To be a happy girl

so much confusion, my thought don’t string up.

However, doesn't matter how I disguise it, 

deep down its hurt

from all those lies

and deep down 

it´s hurt 

from all that lost time.

It a mixture of hurt and anger, 

those emotionless eyes

and the feeling like I've been robbed

from all dignity, 

my life's been keeping me at bay

for all things I wanted to do

and all those I didn't have to

People say its a rollercoaster 

I like to think its more like 

like I am  living with a monster 

It´s eating me inside 

like why, oh why cant I disguise 

how rotten I am 

I don’t wanna be anything

at all

I don’t want to be sad

or happy

or scared

or tired 

or full of life.

sometimes I just want to exist