Rain

Fuck

All I ever am is sick to my mf stomach

Why is it that I keep making it back here. Day after day I feel a little better and am knocked right back. Nothing even happened. I woke up and could just feel it. The difference in my chest. In my heart. I have to cancel plans because I just can't do it. Can't do the thing I do every week. Can't go to work. Dragging friends to the pharmacy because I can not do it alone. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Why does nothing feel okay. Every part of my life feels like its crumbling. Why are friends making assumptions about how im feeling instead of just talking to me. Why are they going over my head instead of talking to me. I cant keep working full time. Its deteriorating my soul and leaving me with nothing left to pick up the pieces and then im right back at work the next day. Being chronically ill and being depressed gives me nothing to work with. Only he makes things better but I continue to feel guilty about taking his time. He doesnt spend enough time at home. Im to fucking much. This is to much. Why does he choose me even when im broken at his feet. I dont get it. I just want these feelings to go away. I want to quit my job but let's get this bag I guess.

Its so dark and then you appear. Arms outstretched ready to pull me out of the dark wet hole full of tears and despair. And for a minute I can breathe again. My body that was full of rocks feels less heavy. And then im alone again, tumbling back down the hole. Back to the echo chamber of my broken mind. Wishing I could slip into your skin and spend the rest of my time there.

I need of a cigarette 🚬 and some head 😪