artytaeh.

there's a headcanon that is so dear to me in the harry potter fandom—which suddenly i'm not sure if it's even canon or not—about dark magic. it's addictive, corrupting and influences the user's personality in the long-term. forbidden curses are powerful, and so are potions like amortentia. great power, great influence, but ridiculously dangerous too—and like amortentia seems very romantic (it makes mimics the scent of the person you're in love with) and makes the act lovey-dovey... it violates the victim's consent. rips them off their consciousness. twists their judgement and consent.

naturally, forbidden magic must have a grand price to be paid when you use it, especially if you're inexperienced. for christian and his case, i want to make forbidden magic an addiction—a deeply corrupting one. something that gives you withdrawals. because that's what christian was going through, during theodore's childhood: withdrawal.

theodore was born in the same year as harry potter, which means that the first wizarding war was at its full power back then. death eaters, people disappearing, others dying, voldemort had a huge influence. while phoena was in postpartum recovery, while theodore cried in the middle of the night, while he babbled his first words and went through his first steps with phoena's care, christian was out and about with a hood over his head, dark tattoo twisting on his forearm and growing comfortable with mudbloods screaming in agony from his wand.

this was the best and worst time for theodore to be born.

on one hand, the terrifying ambience of war made england a dark place. christian is absent, going through traumatic events on a daily basis. phoena, on the other hand, is copying with her husband's absence, a feeling of rejection (how come that pureblood cruelty takes more of christan's attention that her and the son she gave him?) and terrified in equal measure. her sister is somewhere fighting against what her husband represents, whereas ariadne has gone missing from the map with little to no letters, to protect herself.

at the same time, christian's absence is a protector effect. if theodore was born after the war, the withdrawals of forbidden magic would make christian explosive, nightmares blissfully interrupted—but from the sound of a baby crying. it could get dangerous. it would be worse between phoena and him if he was there. his absence also means that phoena could dedicate her whole attention to theodore and bonding with him, rather than struggling to help your traumatized husband who doesn't even want your help, by the way.

phoena happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time. withdrawaling from dark magic, to me, could lead to hallucinations of malicious whispers; in severe cases, visual hallucionations, which wouldn't be christian's case back then. still, christian would have a hard time sleeping, which worsens the complications of the first war's aftermath. pureblood families had to lay low, bribe ministry officials to reduce a sentence or erase it completely, flee the daily prophet from digging each family's history.

dark artifacts, too, had to be enclosed in gringotts discreetly or sold as soon as possible.

hard times, truly, for purebloods.

and christian, traumatized from supressed feelings about joining the death eaters without a say—or space for an opinion, neither to feel—and the horrors his wand cast, experiencing withdrawals, stressed when tending to the mess pureblood businesses became and stalked by daily prophet's reporters...

coming back home, his twisted safe space, became punitive because of phoena.

even though she didn't mean to.

as mentioned before, christian resents phoena for a handful of reasons: phoena symbolizes the loss of freedom and an unwilling marriage, a responsibility he didn't desire; weakness, emotion and recklessness; a shackle that drags christian down for accountability of promises he never made. whereas theodore remembers his mother to be cheerful, knowledgeable and fun, christian always had a different perception of his wife.

no, he doesn't remember phoena to be someone who smiles a lot. phoena, in his eyes, was vague: a passive woman, too much of a daydreamer, impulsive, an unstable cry baby he had to come back to every day.

it was bad timing. between stress, auditive hallucionations while christian also dealt with dark magic withdrawals and very few hours of sleep...

christian wasn't himself when the words left his mouth. he didn't realize his fingers whitened around his wand, the vicious forbidden curse dimming the light in phoena's eyes too quick to rationalize.

for a moment, he felt it. the terrifying relief. like one feels upon taking a smoke after days, weeks, months of absence. the thrill of nicotine rejoicing in one's veins. except that phoena is dead, sprawled on the floor, with theodore unable to wept because it was so fast, so sudden, that a eight year old boy is in denial of his mother's death.

quick as it came, the malicious satisfaction crashed into guilt. confusion. disgust. trying to understand why he did what he did. phoena was a headache, but also his responsibility—it was never in his plans to bury phoena or leave his son motherless. merlin knows christian needed her to be the less worse parent for both of them.

it wasn't intentional.

not that theodore would ever believe him.

not that christian doesn't have his doubts sometimes.