Artsy-Vibe

I hate anxiety. I hate that no one understands what I'm going through. I hate feeling alone all the time. I hate that normal tasks for people are really hard for me. I hate that I can't properly explain what happens when I'm about to have an attack. And then I hate that when I have an attack I don't label it as one. So people just think I'm crying over somsrhng stupid when really its a whole lot more than that. But I can't ever explain what's going on cause I'm freaking out so bad. I hate that all my friends I've had has fucked me up in some way. I hate that currently I have no friends. I haye explaining something to my boyfriend and him not understand how bad I just need him to be there with me.....even if he doesn't understand what's going on. To just be there. I hate that I get left in the car all the time or just left in general. I hate when people don't say "I love you" at the end of a phone call when we usually say it all the time. (I think "Did I do something?") I hate that I also feel like a problem. I hate that I can't talk about things while keeping my anxiety in check. I wish I was normal.

I get depressed and sad because I feel like I don't really have any close friends. Like someone I could really tell my thoughts to and they wouldn't care what I said, as long as I'm happy and doing me then that's all that matters. My boyfriend is really talkative and can easily insert himself in others conversations and make friends. Sometimes, I get jealous because I feel like I can't do that. Then, when I tell him this and he tries to insert himself with me in conversations, then I can't keep conversations going. I can never reply how I want. I always just jumble all my words together or stutter or I just flat out can't relate. Anxiety sucks and makes me feel isolated all the time. I'm ready to finally just fall over and over until I figure this out. I need to learn how to be confident and present myself accordingly. My boyfriend and I got an opportunity to move to L.A. so there I'm going to try to be confident, walk with my head held high, and over all beat anxiety in the ass. I'm going to try to document this part of my life and how everything goes. *takes big deep breath, wide eyed* okay let's do this.