Elly And My Art

Dear brain,

won't you lie to me and tell me

five minutes of work

won't actually hurt

like it always does when I do

without your permission?

If you just lie to me

I will at least bear to stand up

cause I lost a goddamn month to the

five minutes of pain I could easily bear

cause they're nothing compared to

my body frozen facing the ceiling

while my thoughts call me by

the name of my shame

that my dreams

are being crushed by

five goddamn minutes

I didn't even choose

not to start.

Dear brain,

Please let me bear my pain.

I don't hear anyone talking about this. But attempting to take your own life is traumatic.

The moments before the attempt are the most heartbreaking. The planning of it. Writing the suicide notes. You imagine all the pain will stop, but you wake up in the morning in your bed/floor/hospital bed/after a coma. Still alive. The ambulance rides. Your friends/family yelling/crying/asking questions. Trying to find the words to doctors why you did it. All you wanted was for it all to stop, but it was the most heartbreaking, painful both mentally and physically, draining thing you went through. Maybe you woke up with regret, maybe with relief.

But after you get back out in the real world, you have to act like nothing happened. You have to keep living surviving after something so traumatic. You still think about that event over and over. What would it be like if it worked? Why didn't it work? The way you did it, triggers you every time you see that thing/place. You get flashbacks. Ambulances make you re-remember everything all over again.

"OH MY GOD I HAVE SUCH INTENSE FEELINGS I HAVE NEVER FELT SO MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE WOWOWOW!!"

*one day/inconvenience later*