Forgive Yourself

As I think about the past decade, it hit me how much I have gone through. All the moments that were public, and many of them which were far more private. This decade has taught me that pain happens, it exists and it hurts. But it also taught me that you are not defined by your pain, your trauma or your hurt. You are defined by how many times you got up, how many times you tried again, and how many times you are willing to forgive yourself. Even after the darkest of days, it is possible to build yourself into someone worth knowing, worth loving and most importantly, worth being. I think about the girl just a few years ago, who was broken and hurting and refused to be loved. Now I see someone who is building and creating and achieving. I’m so proud of her. I’m so proud of me. 

The past few years of my life have been characterized by unprecedented growth and change. Whether that be in my education as I near college graduation in May or professionally as I embark on my fourth internship and first full-time job. Or personally, as I grow into the type of daughter, sister and friend I have always wanted to be. As I continue to take on more challenges and adventures than I ever thought possible. For many years, I have challenged myself to grow stronger, become more kind and build someone I could be proud of. 

While this decade has been defined by growth, I want the new year and next couple of years to be centered around creating. That’s not to say I will stop growing. I imagine there will continue to be so much growth and change this next year-in fact, I’m planning on it. But for a long time, I have struggled with the idea of passion. What do I love to do? Especially, as I leave school soon and have more free time on my hand than before, I want to funnel that energy into passion projects. They don’t have to be successful or significant but something. I don’t want to be somebody that always comes home and binge watches Netflix. I want to create, whether that be through writing, art, music, fashion, blogging. I want to create. To build. I don’t want to place any restrictions on this, I want to be able to explore this in a way I see fit. 

Outside of passion projects, I want to volunteer more. I have had an interest in this since last year. Unfortunately, I didn’t see this one through. But I want to make this a top priority in my life. I hope as I continue to move I can find new ways to connect with the communities around me, much like I have been able to find these opportunities in Houston. Next, I want to learn how to maintain relationships despite being thousands of miles from my friends and family. It’s hard and a fine line between obsessing about home and building a new life in a new city. This is something I started last year, but I want continue being intentional about my relationships and maintaining them. Lastly, I want to use this previous Advent season to further my relationship with God. I want to pray every morning and night, attend Mass every week and go to confession regularly. Especially as my life starts changing, I realize how important having a strong church background was to me growing up. I want to find this in every place I am. 

2020, you are going to be a wild one, I already know. But 2019-you were far too sweet to me. You were the perfect mix of change and consistency. You helped me plan for the next part of my life and let me enjoy the time I had left. Thank you for being so fulfilling, formative and fun. I had the absolute best time. 

one day i promise to tell you about the nights i spent crying. the days i spent hating myself. the moments i thought i would never get through. the heights that i’m still trying to reach. 

i will explain the decisions i made. i will show you that all i ever did was love and protect. maybe it wasn’t for me. maybe it was for all of you. i will explain everything. 

i knew i was right when you didn’t answer the phone. and i know that is the smallest thing i could pick on but that day meant a lot to me. that news meant a lot to me and i wanted you to be the first to hear it. 

but you were too tired to answer or ever call me back. and to this day, i have yet to tell you that i’m going back, i’m starting over and i’m moving 1,082 miles away. and you have yet to ask me about it. 

but i now know i was right all those years ago. you aren’t the one for me. it was scary to stand on my own and not hide. and i made my mistakes and sometimes there’s a part of me that wishes that it could be you. 

I’m nearly in tears. I read the post I wrote about 2017 and how grateful I was then for a great year. But wow, 2018 has blown me away. On this last day of 2018, I’m utterly and extremely thankful and grateful for each and every moment, place, person and experience that has made this year truly magical. 

Well I have some doubts about my one second actually getting complied, but I guess the point of the exercise was to recognize that each second is special. And looking back, I’m glad I’m captured these moments. 

In my last post, I talked about how crossing into 2018 as a family was blessing, one I never thought to recognize. And while we didn’t get that family vacation to India, my mom got to go and spend an entire month there. She took care of her mom and even got to attend her great nephew’s baptism (Luca). Over the summer, we did to get to visit Aleena and Aneeta and welcomed Angela into our family in October. Denny moved to Canada and now I’m on the hunt for cheap tickets to Toronto. God continues to provide some many blessings and now I talk to my cousins more consistently and hopefully become more ingrained in their lives. Finally, Podi graduated from high school, while Baby started her freshman year. This year around, while I was gone all summer, I made sure to be present for all major family holidays and we even hosted Thanksgiving (perhaps in an attempt to make up for last year). Our family continues to grow big and strong and each of us foraging our own paths and stories in this world. 

Professionally, I had two internships this year and currently have a part-time job that I enjoy in my field. I started the year as an intern in the Mayor’s Office of Trade and International Affairs. I organized a week of events for a German delegation, met the Omani ambassador and wrote more briefings than I would like to admit. However, I like to think I did a pretty good job-I capped off the semester at a WECP event and even got invited to the Consular Ball held later in the year. Over the summer, I moved to Irving, Texas and was an intern for Envoy Air. This was my first time truly living on my own, which means I had to learn how to put gas in my car, do my own groceries and dealt with Geico roadside on more than one occasion. Budgeting became a real word in my life, while I juggled paying rent, traveling and sometimes only having $15 in my account. And while I was ready to come home, I enjoyed my time with Envoy and my first taste of being a professional. Currently, I’m still on the hunt for my next summer internship and truthfully that scares me. It scares me to not have anything lined up, like my friends do. But I just have to trust. I have been given two great internships, I know my next chance is coming. But in the meantime, I have a part-time job that I did while I was taking 6 classes and Fiesta and didn’t die. But more on that later. 

At the beginning of the year, my goal was a 3.85 GPA. I remember thinking that’s low enough to where I would not be disappointed in case I had a difficult semester. And behold, I had a 4.0 both semesters. While taking 6 classes each. While being on Fiesta board. While either at a part-time internship or job. Like wow, clearly I didn’t sleep much. Next semester, I’m slowing down a little bit and maybe trying my hand at some research. But still, I’m incredibly proud of where I am academically, and I added a minor in Accounting this semester. Of course, there were some downs. Not getting picked for Bauer in DC was sad and topped with other rejections made me incredibly burned out and emotional by the end of May. However, going away for the summer, helped me get my mojo back. I chose to believe in the idea of all the blessings I cannot see. All the downs (and ups) I was facing were blessings, some of which I could understand and some I could not. But still had to accept either way. I had to trust, like always, God was doing his job and everything would come together in its own time and way. I aced my first Accounting class and my Criminal Law professor called me a phenomenal student (and I got the highest grade on the final). This year, it is time to really focus on going into law and taking my LSAT. 

But I can’t finish taking about this past year without mentioning Fiesta. As much as I hate building, the work and stress, I absolutely love the event. And I’m so proud of the work I have done and continue to do there. While I have not made any plans for Fiesta ‘20, I’m excited to put on the greatest college show on Earth one more time (hopefully with a headliner that shows up). Of course, Fiesta came with its own heartbreaks. We lost Cherise over the summer. At the time, I was in Dallas finishing up my last week at Envoy. I felt utterly alone those days, unable to explain because no one around me knew who she was and what she meant to me. It really hit when I was in Berlin, when I was physically alone too. As a board, we have since moved on, but not sure if I ever dealt with it. But only 2 months and 21 days until Fiesta Round 2. 

My One Second actually worked and my life continues to be blessed with the most wonderful friends. From constantly eating together, working out and celebrating, my friends have continued to love, carry and hold me on this journey. I love my friends so much that I moved in with 2 of them for the year (and what an adventure that has been). And my wonderful friends are currently planning my 21st lol. But truly, it is a testament to the strength of our friendship that I continually see some of the same faces over and over again. Of course, there are some friendships I lost along on the way, which I could have done more to maintain. And maybe that’s a flaw of mine-out of sight, out of mind. I really felt that over the summer, I was near none of my friends and had no one to be with. I need to make a bigger investment in my friendships, no matter how busy I am. And probably won’t hurt to grow my friends a little bit, but my glad I have a strong core who continually to be there for me in so many ways. And we can’t forget the boys of 2018. 2018 was definitely my hoe stage. I had two flings before going on self-proclaimed break from boys. Heading into the new year, I’m not worried about it. I got all the action I wanted in 2018 and I’m not fooling around with anyone until we are together. I have so much going on and if a boy comes along and fits into that picture, then great. And if not, also great. It doesn’t matter, my life is so fulfilling as it is. 

And finally, I became a world traveler! As selfish as this sounds, this is something I wanted so badly last year and cannot believe that God gave me so many chances to do just that. I started with my annual trip to DC, where I got to visit the Omani embassy and the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Then in an unprecedented turn of events, I took my first solo vacation to Belize! And wow, I’m so thankful I am for that trip. That trip helped me mellow out and have fun after a stressful semester and before I started my full time internship. I also made friends with so many people and so much faster than I ever thought possible. After I started my internship, I traveled to Argentina, Chile, Japan and the Netherlands. I also got to go home to Houston for my sister’s graduation, an engagement, my mom’s and Ersie’s birthday and Father’s Day. I spent a day in San Francisco and joined my family for a vacation in New York. Lastly, to close out the year, I went to Europe for a week and visited Paris, Berlin, Prague and Budapest on a bus-filled adventure. I got to see so much of the world and every place has taught my something about myself, my attitude on life and my relationships. Traveling has made me independent and strong, but also encouraged me to be vulnerable, flexible and kind to everyone I meet. I still remember my Airbnb host in Budapest saying I was brave to travel all this way on my own and I’m not sure why I needed that validation, but it felt good. I have two trips planned for 2019: LA and Barcelona (that’s more than I had this time last year) and I look forward to all the big and small trips this next year brings. 

So yeah, 2018. Again, God came through time and time again, bringing me so much joy and life in one year. I cannot believe how blessed I am. I’m scared for this year to end-it truly was amazing. But there are so many things to be excited about, a new semester, new trips, Fiesta 19, and all the challenges and opportunities that are out there. Again, all the blessing I cannot see but are coming when they need too. Just like last year, here are some things I want to do: 

-Service: Last year, I put a focus on travel and God more than delivered. It hit me that I never really do any volunteering/service work. I am always too busy. And no one is ever too busy, it’s a matter of priorities. So this year, I’m putting the focus on service. I want to volunteer more and regularly. I have given so much, time and time again. I remember when I used to volunteer with PAIR, I loved doing that. I had to stop when my class schedule wouldn’t coordinate, but I looked forward to my session every week, even as a distraction from my everyday life. I would love to get back into that next semester, and more. I have been given so so much, now I need to give back to the people and community around me. 

-Learn Spanish: Like I said, I’m going to Barcelona. Since this is a more planned trip than usual, I have more than enough time to pick up some Spanish to use while I’m aboard 

-LSAT: I’m planning to take my LSAT in September. For so long, I have always been considering law school. This year, I finally took the first step by taking a pre law class. It was so hard, but I loved that class. It is easily the most work I have ever done for a college class but I am so proud of how well I did and how much work I put in. And it was interesting! I just wish I had more time to read my criminal law book. But I’m taking this as a good sign, and I need to start doing more for my goal. That starts with studying regularly so I can be ready to go come September. 

-Investment: Like I said, I want to invest more in my relationships. Especially with my friends. I feel like I always make them initiate contact, when I can just as easily do it myself. And I need to branch out. And maybe also invest in a different kind of relationship. I don’t have all the answers yet, but this year is the process of figuring it out. I need to be as good of a friend as people are to me and that starts by communicating, hanging out and being there for them, no matter how busy my own life is. No more out of sight, out of mind 

So 2018, I have to let you go now. God, thank you thank you. A million times thank you for everything. I had the most fun this year. 2019-let’s do this thing. 

Thank you 2017. For teaching me how to be independent. For teaching me how to stand on my own two feet. For showing me that I can be great and impactful. And most of all, thank you for opening my eyes-to new experiences, to new places and to all the new and old people that continue to love me. 

My family is okay. This year, oh goodness, my family grew. We added another cousin and great grandchild to our family. Also, my little family here got stronger. We got better, all of us. Not being able to spend Thanksgiving with them showed me just how much I missed them. Crossing into this new year with all of them is a big blessing and the past few days have been rough. This year, if nothing else, my mom needs her chance to see ammachi. And if, God willing, we all get to go in the summer. Growing up is realizing just how important those moments are and how saying goodbye gets harder and harder every time. 

My friends love me. And they are flawed, and broken, and everything I am. Maybe just in different ways. And there were so many times I could have said something and didn’t. My friends were there for me to support me, to celebrate with me, to study with me and sometimes to care for drunk me. I made my own little family. For their love, support and relentless persistence, I am grateful. For their understanding of my schedule and who I am, I am grateful. 

College has been wow. I have seen myself become a leader this year, in so many ways. I have joined organizations and created things I never would have imagined as a freshman. And I have worked so hard and succeeded hard too. I have seen myself stand up tall, among all the criticism and keep going. I have seen myself become passionate again and again about my projects and activities. And I have seen the result of that passion and hard work, and wow, t’s more than worth it. And college has given me so many opportunities for growth. I went all the way to Cairo this year. My school has invested so much in me and has shown me what I value. I also decided to follow another passion of mine-political science. As much as I love business, I didn’t want to leave college with just a BBA. Even when I wonder why I did this, the things I am learning make it worth it. 

This year, I made my way back to the Middle East, but also celebrated my hometown of Houston. From the Super Bowl, Hurricane Harvey and the World Series, I am proud to say I got to be apart of some of the biggest moments for this city. Houston is truly home and I couldn’t think of a better place for that title. 

Mentally, well it’s complicated. I didn’t do as great as I hoped. There were a lot of mistakes. But I kept trying. I have loved myself more than I ever did. I don’t hate the girl I see in the mirror, instead I am rooting for my success. Of course, none of this is possible without God. He has given me so much this year, my goodness. I am so very blessed. This year, I want to more and more dependent on him. I want to able to trust me even when I fall. I want to trust him more than anything.

For 2018, 

-I want to be independent: For too long, I have hid behind people, behind contingency plans. When I make decisions, I need to be firm. I’m not standing behind people and making them my back-up plan. It just hurts. No more day dreams, no more drunk fantasies. I am on my own two feet this year. 

-I want to be honest: I want to be honest about when it hurts. I don’t want to shut people out anymore. I have great friends, who share their worst with me. I need to be the same. I want to know what it feels like when you are not the only one who shoulders the burdens. I want to be vulnerable. It’s the only way I will ever be strong.  

-I want to grow: First thing, I want to travel more. Wanderlust is real. My bank balance is not. But I really want to travel, to explore. The world is so big and as amazing as my little corner is, there are so many great corners. Outside of travel, I want to journal more, read more books, reconnect with my culture and play the piano again. I want to grow physically and spiritually and mentally. Sometimes circumstance is the greatest trigger for growth. However, I want to take a more proactive approach to growth. I want to see ME in 2018. A better me, yes. But a me that grows, and learns, and fails, and becomes independent and is vulnerable. The 2018 me is waiting. 

Thank you 2017, it was a blast,