words left unspoken.

I honestly feel so fucking stressed right now. I can never sleep anymore nowadays from how stressed I feel. I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I don’t even know how to identity how I feel anymore, honestly. All I know is that I feel overwhelmed, and that there’s a weight on my shoulders that’s just waiting to bury me six feet under. No one seems to notice the signals I’ve been giving to show just how conflicted I’ve felt the past few weeks, months even, but then again, how would they? It’s so frustrating going on every day trying to breathe, but as every day passes, another stress–another part of my energy has to be taken away because of the wave of responsibilities I have. Yeah, I “signed up for it,” but does that honestly not give me the right to say “I’m tired,” or that I’m losing my shit once in a while? Like really, I can’t go to my friends to talk about how I feel for once in my life without being judged, without you basically saying “I told you so”? Honestly, do you not believe in me at all, or am I not allowed to express any type of negative emotion regarding this? Do you even know why I’m tired? How it’s not only because I decided to commit myself to this, but also because there are other people I’m constantly checking in on? To make sure by the end of the day that they’re actually alive and breathing? That they are here and safe and not going anywhere, not even up, if you know what I mean? Did you know that there is a LIST of people I’m constantly checking on; yes, not just one person, but several, just to make sure they have someone to talk to and someone who can empathize or just be there to listen? To know that they are in a safe/brave space to be vulnerable and know that someone is willing to listen and be there for them when no one else is--when no one seems to notice. Yeah, you wouldn’t know, because you’re too busy thinking about how you were right all along; that dedicating my time to this would be a lot of work. Yeah, I “signed up for it,” but there’s so much more going on than you think and see on the surface. It’s not just what you see or saw on the surface--there is SO much more that you don’t know, and yet I can’t complain for one day, one moment that we’re together out of the few moments that we have now. To think I can’t even go to the people closest to me, especially the ones who brought me into this, how fatigued I am from putting in my best efforts for something I care about. But oh, right, you don’t know how much I care because you’re never there, and all you think about when you see how tired I am is how right you are; you don’t see how much I’ve grown and changed, because all you DO see is the old, clouded image of a quiet weird little girl you knew back when. Hell yeah it’s a lot of work, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. With your support or not, I will continue to be tired for the sake of the people who do support me and actually care about the differences I’m trying to make.