Weenz.

Got my stylus back, so it’s time to get back into my list of Favorite Pokemon! Today, we have my favorite Grass type! And if you’ve been following me, this shouldn’t be a surprise. Rowlet is one of my top 3 all time favorite pokemon. Period. Dartrix and Decidueye are great too, but Rowlet is just the most adorably perfect design. I’ve already drawn him twice. Here’s a third for your faces.

The Mythical Pokémon Magearna is now available for European & Australian Pokémon Sun & Moon players through a QR Code released at the end of the movie Volcanion & The Mechanical Marvel on the Pokémon TV app. To get it, simply scan the QR code provided into the QR Scanner in the game and it will allow for you to go to Hau'oli City’s Mall to collect Magearna after becoming the Champion in the game. This can only be scanned once per game. It is Level 50 and comes with a Bottle Cap attached. This code does not expire.

Twenty one pilots

So a friend today told me that he was “dating” someone…and a part of me broke a bit. I looked at my friend and I felt a pang of sadness, and hurt. I was actually sad and hurt that he was dating a girl and I was hesitant to be happy for him, which I know he could feel. Now, I couldn’t really understand my sadness and hurt toward him. I had, well we had, feelings of one another but both at separate times in our friendship and I felt it better we stayed friends. And oddly, after I told him that, the same night I dreamt about being with him which I actually enjoyed and felt warm and happy. But, I remained silent about that dream and the feelings to him. Now, this girl he’s starting to date is quite the character, she’s pretty outgoing and bubbly, nice and smart, but, I was always sort of jealous of her because she didn’t have to really do anything to get guys to like her. Me on the other hand…I could never get any to even want to stay with me for more than 2 months. So, hearing him tell me that, I was struck first by awe and then quickly at a loss for words. And this, my sudden lump in my throat confused me. I was for sure that I didn’t want a relationship with my close friend but now I see that maybe I was wrong. But, also, maybe I’m not. I honestly have no idea anymore of what my true feelings are.

It kind of started after my last break up. That relationship was a hard one for me. I feel like sometimes I forced myself to stay in the relationship even though I knew things weren’t working out or that he seemed to be a lot different from what he originally told me. And I was constantly on edge, my anxiety was probably at it’s worst ever and I kept telling myself that this relationship I was in would get better. I lied to myself when I was already falling apart, feeling him trying to change me, letting him change me into the perfect christian he wanted, knowing that I was just a body to him, and letting him use it because I felt that was probably the only way I could keep the relationship. I don’t know why, I just wanted him so badly to like me, to love me. After I would let him touch me, also enjoying to touch, I would cringe in guilt and hate on myself for letting someone see a part of me that was so vulnerable and against what he believed in and against my morals. And then I would convince myself that my guilt was just because it was just early in the relationship and as long as we don’t do anything too physical, everything was fine. That this feeling was just my anxiety talking and not what I really wanted, which was something he really started to implant into my mind. I wanted someone to love me and feel adored and so I tried almost everything to make that happen.

And then he broke it off. And apparently the whole relationship, in his eyes, was all my fault. And I just crumbled, I fell apart completely. I lost sight of who I was and started to think maybe I was someone else, maybe I was never really meant to be loved by a man. Maybe the people who always joked I would become a lesbian because I could never seem to get a boyfriend were right. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone. Maybe I’m not meant for anyone to love. Unfortunately most of these feed my anxiety and I spiraled into a depression. I started to panic about my sexual orientation and tried to accept the possibility of ending up alone.

This went on for almost a year, me panicking that I’ve been wrong this entire time about what I found attractive (even though I still would have crushes on some guy friends) and I felt I was going insane and I honestly was so scared that I was wrong about me. That I was wrong about who I was. So many people had criticized me, tried to tell me that I needed to be like someone else, and having that implanted to your brain and told to you by someone you thought really cared about you, can really fuck you up. I honestly don’t know what finally calmed my anxious thoughts but I like to believe the time spent way from my ex, the help of very close friends, a wonderful understand therapist, and trying to keep active by running, may have helped. But it’s nice to have a clearer mind. 

However, now I think I understand more of my anxiety and the fear it has latched on to, which I feel I understood today when my friend told me about his potential girlfriend. I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of committing to a life that I can never be apart of, that I can never actually be happy in. Which, from my past experience, was something I sort of did in my past relationship, and I was miserable. But, I’m also afraid of being alone, which conflicts my fear of commitment. I understood that whatever feelings I had toward my friend, because of my past experience, the terrible anxious thoughts I had to fight through that developed into my fear of commitment, I wouldn’t have acted upon them. Because I am so afraid of being unhappy in the relationship and continuing it because “things will get better”, that, like the last one, I would just be an object of enjoyment, not a person. I’m so scared of being vulnerable to someone again, both physically and emotionally and watch as the relationship falls apart. Afraid, that I won’t actually be loved. I can’t do it again, I can’t force myself into a relationship again because it was originally built up on lies. And I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to try again.

..:.nøbødy thinks, nøbødy dreams.:..