I am Arlyne

So a friend today told me that he was “dating” someone...and a part of me broke a bit. I looked at my friend and I felt a pang of sadness, and hurt. I was actually sad and hurt that he was dating a girl and I was hesitant to be happy for him, which I know he could feel. Now, I couldn’t really understand my sadness and hurt toward him. I had, well we had, feelings of one another but both at separate times in our friendship and I felt it better we stayed friends. And oddly, after I told him that, the same night I dreamt about being with him which I actually enjoyed and felt warm and happy. But, I remained silent about that dream and the feelings to him. Now, this girl he’s starting to date is quite the character, she’s pretty outgoing and bubbly, nice and smart, but, I was always sort of jealous of her because she didn’t have to really do anything to get guys to like her. Me on the other hand...I could never get any to even want to stay with me for more than 2 months. So, hearing him tell me that, I was struck first by awe and then quickly at a loss for words. And this, my sudden lump in my throat confused me. I was for sure that I didn’t want a relationship with my close friend but now I see that maybe I was wrong. But, also, maybe I’m not. I honestly have no idea anymore of what my true feelings are.

It kind of started after my last break up. That relationship was a hard one for me. I feel like sometimes I forced myself to stay in the relationship even though I knew things weren’t working out or that he seemed to be a lot different from what he originally told me. And I was constantly on edge, my anxiety was probably at it’s worst ever and I kept telling myself that this relationship I was in would get better. I lied to myself when I was already falling apart, feeling him trying to change me, letting him change me into the perfect christian he wanted, knowing that I was just a body to him, and letting him use it because I felt that was probably the only way I could keep the relationship. I don’t know why, I just wanted him so badly to like me, to love me. After I would let him touch me, also enjoying to touch, I would cringe in guilt and hate on myself for letting someone see a part of me that was so vulnerable and against what he believed in and against my morals. And then I would convince myself that my guilt was just because it was just early in the relationship and as long as we don’t do anything too physical, everything was fine. That this feeling was just my anxiety talking and not what I really wanted, which was something he really started to implant into my mind. I wanted someone to love me and feel adored and so I tried almost everything to make that happen.

And then he broke it off. And apparently the whole relationship, in his eyes, was all my fault. And I just crumbled, I fell apart completely. I lost sight of who I was and started to think maybe I was someone else, maybe I was never really meant to be loved by a man. Maybe the people who always joked I would become a lesbian because I could never seem to get a boyfriend were right. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone. Maybe I’m not meant for anyone to love. Unfortunately most of these feed my anxiety and I spiraled into a depression. I started to panic about my sexual orientation and tried to accept the possibility of ending up alone.

This went on for almost a year, me panicking that I’ve been wrong this entire time about what I found attractive (even though I still would have crushes on some guy friends) and I felt I was going insane and I honestly was so scared that I was wrong about me. That I was wrong about who I was. So many people had criticized me, tried to tell me that I needed to be like someone else, and having that implanted to your brain and told to you by someone you thought really cared about you, can really fuck you up. I honestly don’t know what finally calmed my anxious thoughts but I like to believe the time spent way from my ex, the help of very close friends, a wonderful understand therapist, and trying to keep active by running, may have helped. But it’s nice to have a clearer mind. 

However, now I think I understand more of my anxiety and the fear it has latched on to, which I feel I understood today when my friend told me about his potential girlfriend. I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of committing to a life that I can never be apart of, that I can never actually be happy in. Which, from my past experience, was something I sort of did in my past relationship, and I was miserable. But, I’m also afraid of being alone, which conflicts my fear of commitment. I understood that whatever feelings I had toward my friend, because of my past experience, the terrible anxious thoughts I had to fight through that developed into my fear of commitment, I wouldn’t have acted upon them. Because I am so afraid of being unhappy in the relationship and continuing it because “things will get better”, that, like the last one, I would just be an object of enjoyment, not a person. I’m so scared of being vulnerable to someone again, both physically and emotionally and watch as the relationship falls apart. Afraid, that I won’t actually be loved. I can’t do it again, I can’t force myself into a relationship again because it was originally built up on lies. And I honestly don’t know when I’ll be able to try again.

I was having an odd day...

I was overthinking, making myself anxious and also slowly driving myself insane and depressed from the flashes of past events that were once beautiful and loving memories now only bring back pain and loneliness.

I decided to surf through the internet like I sometimes do to try and get my mind back to reality and away from the past. And as I scrolled through Pintrest, looking at all the thoughtful suggestions and my recent pins, I saw someone had Pinned Twenty One Pilots music video Gun for Hands. 

Twenty One Pilots is one of my favorite bands, so I wasn’t really surprised that the pin was there and Guns for Hands is a beautiful lyrical masterpiece created by one of my all time inspirations, Tyler Joesph. But, something drew me to the pin. The person simply captioned the pin by saying that Guns for Hands was one of there favorite songs.

Now, Guns for Hands, if anyone has listened to it. The song is mostly about taking control of your own mind and choosing to fight back. Which I was clearly cautious about, however I still clicked on the page anyway and decided to watch the video for I had not seen it in a long time. 

The video started to play and the music filled my head with Tyler’s beautiful genius and I was struck with awe. This entire time I thought I understood the song perfectly but as the lyrics began to play, I realized I only knew the general idea and never actually quite listened to the meaning. Each lyric that was song struck me like a ton of bricks and I could feel tears starting to swell up in my eyes.

The powerful lyrics Tyler sang of understanding the struggles of wanting to end it all, of feeling like there’s no other way around it and that no one seems to understand. But that he does understand, he went thought those struggles and this song is for you, for you to take a fight back and that there are better things to come. That life is beautiful and that you are not alone in the helplessness and in the fight to recovery.

I think the lyrics that hit me the most were:

“Together, let's breathe,

Together, to the beat,

But there's hope out the window,

So that's where we'll go,

Let's go outside and all join hands,

But until then you'll never understand.

That you all have guns,

And you never put the safety on,

And you all have plans,

To take it, to take it,

Don't take it, take it, take it.”

Here, Tyler tells you personally that you are not alone, he has struggled, others have struggled and that there is hope, and together we can reach it. Just don’t take it, don’t let it consume you.

I hadn’t had an emotional experience like that with a song in a long time. It was so powerful and beautiful and I just wanted to run out, find Tyler and hug him while thanking him over and over again while tears streamed down my face of how grateful I am to him for letting me know I’m not alone and for giving me such beautiful music to listen to and become stronger.

So, Thank you Tyler, thank you Josh, thank you oh so very much for creating such masterpieces and inspiring so many people including me. And I’ll be sure to turn my gun into a fist.

Lately, I’ve been consumed by the idea that I will end up alone.

I know a lot of people fear it, but I honestly think I will.

I haven’t had anyone stay with me for longer than two months and their reasons are always the same.

I am the problem.

I am too complicated, delicate, messed up, mentally unstable for them to feel worthy enough to work through the burden of what is me.

I am not like a lot of other girls either. I don’t really cake myself in makeup, wear tight and sometimes revealing clothes, nor do I go our partying and drug myself up. I have always been more of a personality gal and hoped that my personality would out way my appearance.

But it seems like that’s what makes them run away. I have been called hot, beautiful, pretty, but once they actually got to know me, my looks weren’t enough to keep them at bay.

I am very different I feel sometimes. And I feel like I have a difficult time relating to people on a personal level.

Of course I have friends, but even they seem to stray from me.

I feel really alone.

I am constantly surrounded by people literally everyday and not one has come and asked me how I’m doing as I sit on a college park bench or lean on the railing of a bridge, crying my eyes out because I can’t seem to make a real connection with anyone.

I’ve talked about my loneliness to the few people I call friends. And it’s always the same.

“Stop trying”, they say.

“The time will come.”

“You just need to be patient.”

“You’re just too amazing for anyone to have.”

And as much as I hope what they say is true.

I can’t believe it.

I’ve stopped trying.

I’ve waited for years.

I tried to be patient.

I tried to accept that I am sometimes a handful and possibly too mature for any of the boys around me.

But after years and years of hearing the same thing.

I honestly think maybe there isn’t anyone out there for me.

I dream about a future at night.

I have kids who I adore, but there is never any man with me. Just me and my beautiful children.

And I sadly feel that is my future.

Someone will tell me what I what to hear, marry me, give me children and then just leave.

That’s honestly what I think will happen.

My last relationship really destroyed any dreams of a happy future.

He lied.

He used me.

And I let it happen.

I remember as we began to drift and things started to fall apart. One night, our fight ended with him looking down at me and planting a long kiss on my forehead as he whispered “You deserve better.” And then he left.

That phrased has been plastered to the back of my mind for the past month or so.

I couldn’t pin point what he meant.

Because after that day, he was never the same, and eventually we went our separate ways.

It’s been about a year since that night, and I am miserable, alone and hurting.

I deserve better? Then why, why hasn’t it happened? Why do I continually get lead on, used and then thrown to the side like trash?

And I am really tired of it.

I really just want someone to truly adore me.

To see me for who I am and just think, damn she is beautiful.

But after everything I have gone through, I’ll probably will think that’s all a lie too…

Last night, I had a dream about you.

I can’t really remember the whole entire context but there you were.

I was somewhere, a bathroom or something?, and you appeared, like a extremely realistic hologram having small talk with someone I couldn’t make out.

What I felt when I saw you wasn’t what I thought I should have felt.

In a way I think I was happy to see you.

I came over to your side and you turned to face me, there was no recollection in your eyes of who I was but I just caressed you face in my hands and I felt peaceful.

I pulled you close to my chest and all I could think about was how much I missed that. How much I missed the connection.

Oddly enough you let it happen, you let me hold your face and pull you in close, like maybe you wanted it to happen just as much as I did.

I do think about you, you know.

Sometimes I think I should hate you, or that I shouldn’t even think about you anymore, but I do.

I think about how you’re doing. If you’re okay, if you’re as messed up as I am. Or if you’re happily with someone else.

I think about what I did like about you and what I thought you liked about me and how perfect everything seemed to be that first month we were together.

But, we had too much to work through about ourselves that we failed to stay together.

I’m really confused and lost about a lot of things now.

I sometimes think it had to do with our failure.

Sometimes I really hope it has to do with that, because all this now consuming anxiety started once we got together.

I wish it would stop, or that I would just make up my mind.

I already sort of have made up my mind, but my anxiety doesn’t seem to think so.

And now, a year after our little beautiful disaster, just the thought of you can send me into a spiral.

And sometimes, just sometimes I wonder if you think of me too.

If I ever haunt your dreams and if you wish me well.

If you ever think back and wonder if you made a mistake.