Arllen

HOUSEKI NO KUNI

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

-ask- fluff interaction Phos/reader

DRAGON RAJA

mc is done and makes the boys handle themselves

Characters react to mc coming out as trans

mc cuts ties with everyone

mc and Z flash back angst

FOOD FANTASY

master attendant/opera cake that use sign language to communicate - romantic

OBEY ME

Severance - replaced mc au chapter 1

You and Lilith had met in a dream. As cheesy as it sounded it was true. You had finally been getting back to being yourself after the, incident with Belphie. Tired from your first "normal" day in what felt like centuries. You had collapsed onto your bed, ready to be dead to the world for the rest of the day. You rolled about trying to find the motivation to do your homework instead of sleeping but it was nowhere within reach. So, when you felt the tendrils of sleep clawing at you you didn't fight them, drifting off peacefully.

It was then that you were met with the same white room from before, voices echoing all throughout, but one stood out to you in particular. A woman's voice, like a gentle breeze, smooth and melodious. Familiar, but not something you knew intimately. The voice spoke directly to you, and all the whispers and jumbled cries stopped. It was just you and her now. Odd questions flew about, motherly in a way that made you feel frail, affectionate in a way that you had never experienced.

One particular question nearly broke you though,

"How was your day?"

It had been so long since you had heard something so loving, sure the brothers cared, sure the other exchange students were cordial, but you had always felt deep down somewhere that it was a 'just for now thing' that when you turned your back and looked away that they'd grimace at the thought of you. Even mere moments after Belphegor had killed you and you had been brought back there had never been an 'are you ok?' you hadn't been asked how you felt and had someone genuinely listen since you came down here. Maybe it was just your over emotional mind making the waters of your relationships with everyone murky but still, somewhere from deep inside you the raw feelings that you had been holding back burst out, and you screamed.

You didn't feel well rested when you woke up but, you did feel refreshed.

After that day it seemed like there had never been a night where you didn't enter that place, the voice never introduced herself, and yet you felt so close, you felt as though you truly knew this being, this entity, even though. she had never spoken about herself. It was always you spilling your guts and her listening. Truthfully it was only thanks to these venting sessions with this voice that allowed you to genuinely begin to move on. Looking past Belphrgor killing you, Lucifer's attitude, Satan's general aggressiveness, Leviathan almost killing you over TSL, being taken from your home, from your world and plunged into a place where everyone and everything wanted to and could kill you. It was only after meeting her that your relationships with everyone starting shifting from endearing yourself to these people so that they don't kill you to an actual friendship, slowly you allowed them to take a place in your heart, in your mind, one you had never allowed anyone else into.

Then the reveal came, on one of the few nights that you weren't there with her you had the unfortunate luck of having a nightmare, it was Belphie killing you, over and over and over again, the same laugh, the same mocking words, your heart beating in your skull, the painful crack of your skull smashing open on the bricked walls of the attic. Pain, you were scared, you wanted to run away, you wanted the people from the human world, you wanted those you felt safe around to come back, to protect you, and then the scene shifted, you back in the human world, sitting in your first period class, alone, your friends, all of them regardless of wether they had this class with you or not sitting together, laughing. They would whisper amongst themselves then glance at you and giggle, you knew this was a dream, but somehow it still gripped onto you, not letting you go, you knew these weren't your friends, these weren't the people you loved and cherished. You pursed your lips, turning away from them choosing to lower your head and stare at the surface of your desk. It rippled like water turning into a mirror, your reflection rising to the surface, just as it opened its mouth, perhaps to speak, maybe to mock the face you were making a woman burst through the door, face a mash of those who you were familiar with.

"Who-"

She cut you off by wrapping her arms around you, the classroom melting away and turning back into that all too familiar white world. She clutched onto you like you were something precious, her hold alone making tears well up in your eyes. She stroked your head, and spoke,

"It's time to wake up"

You awoke with a start, sitting up in bed your hand coming to wipe away the sweat on your forehead. Hearing her voice and seeing her face allowed it all to connect for you the voice that had comforted you for the past two months belonged to her, she was the one who had spoken to you when you had died, you were her descendant, that made her your ancestor, and who had you just discovered was your ancestor? Lilith. She had been the one you were speaking to, the brothers beloved younger sister. You curled up, you felt guilty, the brothers had longed for anything to connect them to their sister, to the point where you just being related to her was enough for them to 'adopt' you into their family and here you were free speaking to her, without any effort on your part, something you knew they would kill for. Your alarm went off startling you, and you had stumbled out of bed, tripping and falling a total of three times as you got dressed.

That day things seemed to have perfectly aligned, you had found out that you had been speaking to Lilith, and now there was a lesson on possession and vessels in your paranormal studies class. It was that class, that discovery, that day that led you to sitting in your room with a pint of your own blood and a poorly made doll a few weeks later.

The plan hadn't even been half baked, more like a quarter, but either way it was far too late. You had purposely picked today, all of the brothers would be out at a ball that Diavolo was holding, you had faked being sick, and after some convincing they left you home alone after you assured them you would check in with at least one of them hourly. And so then came your plot. Hexed clay that had been borrowed from one of the professors who liked you, hair you had collected from each of the brothers brushes wrapped over the lumpy human-ish doll, a freshly bandaged wrist and you on the floor beside all of your materials. You hoped that your memory would serve you correctly because you were far too light headed to go over to your desk and grab your notes.

Cradling the doll you whispered a small "I hope this works" and submerged it in the bowl. Great one step down, now then the next one was to invoke the ghost who you wanted to posses the doll. You didn't really have a plan for this, just knock out and try to convince Lilith to posses it is pretty much what it amounted up to. You didn't even have to do that thankfully, for the minute you were about to lie down on the floor, she appeared in front of you, actually maybe not, she was probably a hallucination, you were starting to feel like you were floating, shakily you lowered yourself down onto the floor fully, it'd be a shame if you knocked the bowl over right now. You felt a cold chill, remembering that one superstition that that meant a ghost was passing through you you giggled.

On the off chance that that was true and that the ghost who had just passed through you was Lilith you mumbled out a "for you" and gestured to the bowl.

Sleep came easily to you, though you seemed to be having another weird dream, a room full of mirrors, each one reflecting a different you, you sitting, you lying down, crying, laughing, dancing, singing, screaming, it was eerie, especially the mirror right in front of you, it reflected you perfectly unlike the others, and yet it's lips were moving as though you were talking, you were able to make out a few of the soundless words "What" "want" "you", creepy, undoubtedly creepy, but still, not exactly your problem. For a second you considered how weird it was that you kept waking up in dreams that you were conscious of but that was neither here nor there. Wandering around for a bit you wondered if Lilith would appear, you really needed to talk to her but had no idea how to initiate a meeting. Before you even had a minute to think about how to meet Lilith the floor cracked under you, and hands rushed out to grab you.

You once again shot up in bed, the covers feeling too heavy, you were supposed to be on the floor, why are you on the bed, did the brothers come back and find you? Which one was it, what time is it, are they going to make you talk about it? Are you going to have to explain yourself?

Gentle hands pushed you back onto the bed and you thrashed, trying to get away, before her voice cut through your panic, Lilith, was standing there, worry in her eyes as she stared at you. Tears welled up in her eyes and you've never felt worse, you hated when people cried over you, you hated when they felt any negative emotion over you or for you. Shame welled up in your gut and choked out the 'sorry' that you had just barely been able to think up. She held you against herself sobbing at this point.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? What if I hadn't been here? You can't just do things like this even if someone is here with you, let alone all by yourself!"

" 'M sorry" you mumbled into her shoulder, and you genuinely were.

You two sat there for a while, just holding onto each other. Eventually Mammon came smashing into your room screaming about how you broke your promise, and when he looked at you, bundled in his little sisters arms he immediately silenced himself. He didn't make another noise even after she got up to hug him, even as the others filtered into the room and began yelling and crying at the sight of her.

The next time he spoke was with a teary smile, as Lilith explained to them what had happened and how she came back, and even then it was only a "geez".

That day you had signed away your soul, wether you knew it or not.

Setting the scene - holy grail war - I'm not treating this seriously

Dashing through the twisting halls of an out of service parking building you faintly heard the sound of clashing weapons. This is not what you expected when you came out for a routine patrol tonight. Honestly you hadn't expected to be selected to participate in a holy grail war in the slightest. Heaving you dodged as the other mage casted another cursed bullet. It zipped right over your head landing exactly where your heart would've been a few seconds ago, scorching the wall. You fired your own offensive spell right at the concrete they we're standing on, creating a dust cloud that engulfed their vision. Making a mad dash you ran up the final flight of stairs to the roof top. Looking around desperately you searched for a route of escape.

"Damn it, I thought you'd be easier to kill then this." You hear the metal door crack off its hinges and slam into the ground behind you. Sucking a breath through your teeth you turn just in time to see a beam of light coming straight for your face. On reflex you raise your hand calling out for a barrier, it was based on a spell that Solomon had taught you but with your own twist. As the light connected with your barrier it managed to nullify the spells magical effects but not its momentum. The barrier spell, far to unstable since it was still in the early stages of development, shattered, the momentum from the spell it had blocked sending the glass like shards back into you, ripping into your flesh and one lodging itself directly in your thigh. You cried out in pain unsteady on your legs.

You looked at the edge of the rooftop, you knew that your servant would be able to catch you if you jumped, but that's only assuming that they can get away from their current battle. It was worth a shot, you didn't want to have to waste a command seal on an escape of all things and you were certain that you could kill the enemy mage right here and now but still, you had decided before you even summoned your servant that you would win this war without killing anyone else. Well, not directly killing anyone else specifically but still. Steeling your resolve you readied another barrage of spells, while the enemy was focused on fending them off you would jump, call for caster to catch you and if push came to shove, order them to catch you.

You counted down, 3... the other mage was getting ready to defend, 2... you slightly shifted back, feeling your muscles tense and mana flow into the spell, 1! A wave of icicles shot out from the magic circle in front of you and you turned around and jumped, paying no mind to the other mages shouting as you did so.

"CASTER! CATCH!" You yelled out, the howling winds suddenly being muffled by their chest.

"Master your leg-"

"I know, take me home, I'll use magic to treat it there."

Casting a concealment spell around the two of you your spirit jumped from rooftop to rooftop until you two were eventually standing in front of your house. Something was wrong though, the lights were on and you could clearly sense a presence from within. Before you could even think up a plan your servant slipped inside through one of the open windows, you heard a crash, then a bang and an all too familiar voice.

Opening the door you were met with -

Post war setting -

also I refer to being a magician as magecraft, Ik that within the series they're two different things but bro :/ I'm not fighting with auto correct for this

lets assume that during the war your contracts with both the brothers and any other servants are on pause and one it ends they resume like nothing happens. Also lets say that your contracts with servants manifest themselves in the form of cards like the ones in fate/go only they're physical cards, they appear blank to anyone other than you, like the way that they look before the character you pulled is revealed. You have one set of command seals and they transfer over to all the cards so if you use a command seal to order one servant to do something even if the command doesn't take effect for the other servants it still disappears like you used it to order every servant, of course they also regenerate just like they do in game but it takes forever. So lets say that mc can have shit load of contracts that become active again post war instead of just one contract that only lasts during the war. Also all servants under the same master have the ability to choose to break off the contract when they use all their command seals just like in cannon. Servants can also only have one master at a time, with the only exception being made during holy grail wars when their contracts with their main masters are put on hold and they're summoned by another mage. Also just for the sake of this sorcery, magecraft and witchcraft are all completely different like even down to what you need to be able to use them. You need to have magic to use sorcery, mana for magecraft, and witchcraft can be learned by anyone with a strong enough will.

Solomon

- Bro is having an intense que? moment. He's having serous issues understanding what's currently happing, all he can register is this person who reeks of your magic with a weapon in his face and you bloody and limping trying to call them off.

- Immediate sit down and discussion about wtf is going on over a nice cup of what used to be tea and cupcakes that move like octopi? Wether you like it or not it's happening.

- Bro spends the next week in your house interrogating you about everything, he doesn't fuck with his baby apprentice getting hurt, especially in a war that they didn't sign up for

- Once he learns about everything he kinda blue screens mentally, like he's extraordinarily emotional and has no idea how to deal with the situation, Diavolo forbid you're a designer baby or you were bred specifically for this he will unapologetically cause the downfall of mage society.

- if you have the absolute worst luck and managed to summon his heroic spirit equivalent expect to never see either of them again. He thinks its hilarious and will steal hs!solomon away from you

- you need him so that the other mages don't kill you? don't worry mc big bro Solomon has already set up a barrier now get out the big kids are playing who can use the flashiest magic to complete the most mundane task

- That aside he's actually rather serious, he's been around forever you can't tell me he hasn't met his fair share of mages. And because of his experience with them he's worried for your day to day life as well as your safety during this war

- Solomon is a sorcerer not a mage those are two completely different things, but its not like he has 0 knowledge about mages

- expect your magic lessons with him to be slightly more intense

- He may cover up for it with his usual antics, teasing, joking, just general solomonness but he truly is worried about you. He's seen just how far adult mages are willing to go and he has no doubt that because of your age they probably see you as easy pickings

- He checks in on you every hour, text messages when you're at school, phone calls during lunch, and he basically moves into your house

- You have to admit that if the dire circumstances of the war didn't exist and if he dialed back his mother henning just the slightest bit you could get used to living together like this

- Coming home to your pusedo dad-bro and a warm meal of unidentifiable matter each night? Domestic bliss

- Really though you wish he would stop cooking before his food kills you instead of one of the other mages

- Gives you mana stones and teaches you how to use them in the case of an emergency where you can't use your own mana

- God help the world if you belong to an organization like Chaldea (Cue the f/go opening screen music)

- He's upset that he can't do much to help you aside from offering behind the scenes support, you two had a very long discussion about what happens when those who aren't meant to be involved with the war do get involved

- Post war hc's -

- he has a heightened awareness to the type of magic you're good at and will attempt to develop a safer way to cast or use magecraft.

- he dives into research about holy grail wars, he didn't have the chance to during the war but now that you're safe and that bs is over he's reading through every book ever that even mentions holy grail wars.

- He looks for a way to stop holy grail wars from happening at all

- he might permanently move in with you if you end up getting attacked by another mage because you're a spellcaster. Actually he's pretty much moved in already, now he's just legally doing it as well

- Bro makes you teach him how to summon servants, "just in case"

- will act as your free mana bank for when upholding contracts with so many beings gets too tiring. I mean even he feels the drain of his contracts when he uses multiple at a time, he can't imagine having his magic constantly drained to also create bodies for those he has contracts with.

- Maybe you can teach him how to cook something even slightly edible while you're together

Barbatos

- snitch supreme

- the minute he finds out after securing your safety and healing your leg he's reporting this to Diavolo. He's not even bothered about the weapon that was just in his face.

- Considering the fact that he only uses his powers when Diavolo asks him to he's not all that surprised that he didn't know about this but it still disgusts him that humans would sink this low for something like a grail.

- If you're in the devildom other mages can't kill you

- seriously mc why didn't you tell him about this, Barbatos may continue on like shit is sweet and he isn't lost on what to do but deep down he's panicking, searching through timelines to see wether or not you survive and already planning actions to make sure that you do.

- Do you not trust him enough? is that why you didn't tell him?

- You're a baby, a child, fighting against blood thirsty adults and beings from history, mythology and literature. He does not rock with your situation in the slightest and wants you out immediately.

- Hug your dad bro he's so beyond sad learning about how you were pretty much raised like this, how you've been living on your own this whole time with only magecraft to hold onto

- if you're a designer baby or bred for magecraft he's seriously contemplating switching to a timeline where all mages get wiped out cause wtf

- He doesn't move in with you you move in with him. Say hello to the castles guest room its where you'll be living from now on mc :)

- He does his best to make you feel at home while working with Diavolo to find a way to seal away the holy grail and stop the war.

- Depending on who you summon and their personality Barbatos has probably found himself a permanent body guard for you. No need to call the brothers in

- Lowkey the calmest result of any of the others finding out

- Post war hc's -

- Barbatos makes you energizing snacks and teas for days when your mana seems to be draining faster than usual and makes sure to check in with you every so often

- you do eventually get to go back to the human world, only after promising that you'll reach out if you feel unsafe or need help.

- very impressed that you can manage so many contracts by yourself, but also confused as to how none of this was in your file during your exchange year.

- He encourages you to reach out to Solomon for help with spells and controlling your mana because as much as it hurts to admit his duties to Diavolo come first and he can't always be there to help you

- He gives you tips to help you with wrangling your more difficult servants and will occasionally allow one or two of the younger ones to join in on his, your and Lukes baking sessions.

Diavolo

- he originally came here to hide from Barbatos but now he's healing your leg while asking you more questions than you can comprehend.

- If you're in the devildom other mages can't kill you the remix

- Diavolo doesn't even register the weight of the situation or question wether or not just straight up removal from the realm is ok during a war he just has you pack your things and sacrifices a lecture from Barbatos to bring you back with him.

- Once he hears more about mage society and how children even younger than you participate in holy grail wars all the time he just kinda shuts down

- I don't think Diavolo idolizes humans in fact I think that he likes them so much because of their imperfections. But hearing about this he just kinda can't compute. He definitely knows about mages and the shitty stuff they get up to but thinking about how his human, this child that he's seen grow being put in those situations he just doesn't understand why.

- Let Diavolo find out that you're a designer baby or that you we're bred for this, and he will have serious issues with the Mages association

- You belong to Chaldea? You're a mage under their employment and command? No you don't you're now the devildom's semi-official human diplomat and head mage.

- post war hc's -

- diavolo is so hard to write I don't have any

Simeon + Luke

- You walk in to see Simeon hiding Luke behind him, gaze furious before it lands on your wounded form.

- While healing you Luke spends the whole time beefing with your servant. Explain everything to them now or you'll never be allowed out of the house again

- Once they find out they're so upset. Luke thinks of you as a sibling and Simeon as a child so they're both horrified that you had to deal with something like this on your own

- Both attempt to convince you to go to the devildom for the duration of the war but won't fight you if you want to stay and fight

- They're definitely reporting this to Micheal tho. Because this is a bit too much

- Do not under any circumstances introduce them to the concept of designer babies or selective breeding they will both nuke the earth.

- Make sure to check in on you every hour, Simeon even allows Luke to apply to be your guardian angel.

- they just want what's best for you

- post war hc's -

Your back slammed into the lockers behind you. You gasped out, lungs clawing and veins burning begging for the air that was knocked out of you to be returned. This was so stupid. You had no idea what these demons had against you, and even less of an idea as to why you didn’t fight back. You had the seven avatars of sin at you beck and call and you still did nothing to defend yourself. Why- why didn’t you call on them? Why couldn’t you just open up your mouth and say even a syllable of one of their names?

A hand scraped through your scalp. Claws digging into the tender skin there, drawing blood. You wanted to scream out in pain. But you also didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt you. You weren’t sure how long the assault went on but eventually after only getting gasps out of you the demons seemed to grow bored after not being able to witness the pained reactions they wanted from you. You sat there leaning into the lockers, wishing the metal would mold around you and swallow you whole.

Eventually, mechanically, you got up, a simple machine running through its tasks. Picking up your school items that had been strewn about, nodding politely to those who acknowledged you, and likewise being sure to advert your eyes from those who you had a bad streak with. Walking back to the house of Lamentation, a place you would've once considered a second home but, was nothing more than a suffocating cage to you now. Making sure to leave an extra few steps in-between you and the alley ways that seemed ever so prevalent in the Devildom, hugging close to the walls of the gothic buildings when anyone passed by you. You were close now, your pace slowed considerably, to the kind of pace that even a snail would be frustrated with. Maybe it was then, when you started thinking of the house of Lamentation that you regained your senses. You felt stinging in the back of your eyes, and a lump lodged itself in your throat. You wanted to scream out your frustration, hating the pins and needles feeling that settled itself behind your eyes and skimmed along your tear ducts anytime you thought of the brothers. Humans are foolish weak creatures, easy to sway with sin, and in this moment your pride quakes and with it the fragile feelings that you've tried so hard to ignore. Somewhere deep within your mind you remind yourself that it's ok to cry, that its ok to feel emotions and show that you aren't some unaffected stone wall to those around you, that you're a real living breathing person. But then your pride crushes that thought, your ego not allowing you to show any weakness, for even the concept of someone laughing at you, no not even that, the mere concept of someone knowing about the twisted darkness that touted about your mind was horrifying. Making your gut twist with nausea at the thought.

Your DDD buzzed from within your pocket, a message from Mammon on the screen: "Hey MC I can't make it to movie night today, promised Lilith that I'd take her out on the town y'know." This was the third week in a row Mammon had blow you off, lately it seemed like all the brothers only spoke to you to tell you that they were cancelling your plans with them or it was them asking you to lend them something they had gifted you, only for you to see Lilith with it a few days later boasting about how much her brothers loved her. At first you had rained on her parade, telling her just who that item she loved so much belonged to, shoving her brothers misdeeds in her face, you reveled in the way that her face twisted into a frown, the smallest and meekest of apologies slipping from her lips. Was this why Satan constantly terrorized Lucifer you wondered, it truly did feel good to tear down the one who everyone thought of as the better you, to see them crash and fall, watch them sink into he depths that you practically lived in. Eventually Belphegor had caught on and during a fight between you and him about it, Lucifer had walked in. The rest is long since history, now you and Lilith aren't allowed to be alone together.

Clutching your DDD in your grasp, briefly wishing that it would crumble under the force of your grip and blow up, a feat that was beyond something that your feeble strength could ever manage, you cursed your selfishness under you breath. What right did you, a nobody who stuck their nose in places where it doesn't belong, have to feel this terrible about the situation you currently found yourself in.

Maybe it's because you weren't the same age as them, well no human could ever be, Solomon excluded, but you still weren't mentally as developed as them. Maybe it's because you were never truly a part of the family, a replacement that took the place of the real thing until it could return to its original place. You knew that wasn't true, once upon a time you all had truly been close, had an, in your opinion, unshakeable bond. But now... you couldn't stop yourself from second guessing those times. Had the brothers ever truly seen you as your own person? Had you always just been a descendant of their precious younger sister to them? You clutched your lips in-between your teeth, slightly reveling in the stinging pain it brought. Why were you so selfish? You should. be happy for the brothers. After so long they had finally been able to meet their sister, you had been the one that made their reunion possible. So why did jealousy claw at your chest and make your throat burn with bile? You constantly pretended like you were some kind of always virtuous saint, but in the end you were just a dirty person who only thought of themselves. In the end you were the real demon. You couldn't do anything right. You couldn’t keep up with work, you couldn’t keep their interest, you just weren’t good enough for them, and the fault lay with you for ever thinking that you were good enough for a true role in their family. You were never a permanent fixture in their family, just some human brat that they had to deal with for the year. Who were you to them anyways? Some random weak human who managed to con their way into their interests and, as though your hard work to get them to look at you with anything other than cold disdain didn’t matter, you had slipped straight out of their interest all over again.

Lilith was everything you pretended to be and so much more, you bitterly had to admit that to yourself on one of the first nights of her return. Lilith was almost like an idealized being, someone who you looked up to and also wanted to tear down, a feeling that you hated experiencing. You and her had been close pre-reanimation but now you could only glance at her from across the house, desperately wishing that in you were in her place, that you were the beloved little sibling the brothers were doting on, just as you had been back then.

The shrill tone of your DDD ringing broke you out of your stupor, causing you to jolt back in shock nearly dropping the expensive device as a result. You truly did wish it would just destroy itself and you alongside it. Would they look at you then? Spare you the time of day for even a single glance at your mangled body? A twisted satisfaction bubbled in your gut at the idea of them feeling bad, possibly even guilty, upon discovering that you'd been hurt. A sick, twisted and euphoric drew your vision to your veins, bulging out of your arm because of your death grip on your DDD, which had long since stopped ringing and had switched to vibrations as you were bombarded with messages. Maybe they would toss Lilith aside just as they had done to you. Maybe she would drown in the feelings that you currently are. Eventually you acknowledged that train of thought as beyond wrong, but it still hung on in twinges within the depths of your sick little mind. You began to walk forward again, waiting until the buzzing of the messages slowed to look at what you had been sent. Apparently you had missed a call from Mammon, not surprising considering the fact that you didn't respond to his original message, and Mammon hates to be ignored, though he seems to have no regard for how those he ignores himself feel, but that's neither here nor there you suppose.

Most of his messages are junk like:

"Oi human is this because of what I said earlier"

"don't be such a big baby its not that big a deal"

"HEY DON'T IGNORE ME"

"D'YA REALLY THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IGNORING THE GREAT MAMMON?"

You may or may not have skipped the rest of his ramblings after that. But his last message made you pause:

"Sucks to be ya Lucifer wants to see ya as soon as ya get home."

Heaving a sigh you pick up your pace, briskly walking the bitter air of the Devildom stung your inner ears, causing an uncomfortable itchy feeling on your skin. Shrugging your bag further onto your shoulder you walked up the steps to the house of lamentation, sucking in a deep breath to calm your frayed nerves, it didn't work, it never truly did. As soon as you entered you were greeted with none other than Lucifer himself, the same scowl he always seemed to wear directed at you. You couldn't help but think of the time before all of this had started. He never would've looked at you like that, it was only a look you had ever seen him cast at the demons who he thought were worthless blights to the Devildom. He had never cast it at Mammon even on the days when he generated the worst of issues. So, seeing it directed at you like this, it made you want to curl up and shrivel away. Your stomach seemed to have the same idea, creating wave after wave of nausea. Your legs seemed to go rigid, your calfs tensing.

He seemed to be surveying you at first, before finally pounding the tension in between you two into a brick and slamming it in your face. "Mc we need to speak in my office, now." You didn't need to be told twice, scurrying after him your ears picked up on Asmo's giggles from the sofa, looking over you two made eye contact. He allowed a vindictive smile to spread across his lips, marring his features and creating an aura far different from the bubbly one you were used to. He raised his hand in a greeting, bursting into further giggles at the sight of your eyes widening.

You hadn't even noticed you had come to a full stop until Lucifer growled your name from the top of the stairs. You panickedly looked from Asmodeus back to Lucifer before flying up the stairs muttering apology after apology. Lucifer grabbed you by the arm, pulling you towards his office walking at a brisk pace that left you stumbling and awkwardly being essentially dragged. You wondered if you were slightly more delusional if you would be able to convince yourself that he was holding your hand tenderly. Eventually you two made it to his office where he gave one final tug on your arm, causing you to slam into the door frame, your arm buzzed like tv static and it briefly went numb. He didn't even look down at you to see if you were ok, simply walking back to his throne that took the form of some old victorian style chair sat behind his desk. You knew exactly what was going to come next, a lecture of some kind or if you were really unlucky you'd end up being strung up from the chandelier.

He pressed his gloved hands to his temples, briefly managing them before clasping his hands on the desk. Even though you were taller than him with your current positions, you standing and him sitting, it still felt like Lucifer was looking down at you. "I understand that you're a child, and as such I've tried to be more lenient with you then I am with my brothers. I decided to not severely punish you for your behavior because I thought you were just acting out and needed an adjustment period but now, it's time to start acting your age Mc. You can't keep throwing tantrums or saying harmful things to Lilith simply because you dislike not having everyones attention on you at all times." You knew exactly where this was going, you were going to spend the next 3 hours listening to Lucifer put you down while praising Lilith for doing nothing more than breathing. But even then, you hadn't done anything to Lilith as of late, so you had no idea where this lecture was coming from.

"Lucifer what- I haven't done any-"

He immediately cut you off. Raising a flat palmed hand up at you. "Mc I am not in the mood to hear your excuses." You bit the inside of your cheek holding in the sigh that you wanted to let out. As Lucifer continued on his lecture you grew more and more frustrated. Everything you had done to Lilith amounted to nothing more than being alive when and where she was.

Lilith tripped and you didn't help her up? Blasphemy

Lilith ate something she couldn't and you were in the same room? A crime against humanity

Lilith asked you for help with lifting something that it was more than obvious your undeveloped human arms wouldn't be able to even get a good grip on, and you told her to go ask Beel for help? You must be the real demon in this house.

Lilith didn't take into account that her new body was far more fragile then her previous one and ended up getting a bruise? Diavolo forbid a cut? You obviously had it out for her or else you would've told her what is and isn't safe to do.

Maybe that's why you didn't think ahead, maybe that's why you just said the meanest thing that came to mind. If you're going to get into trouble just for existing around Lilith then you'd give Lucifer a real good reason to be mad at you.

Now it was your turn to cut him off, "Lucifer if I'm being completely honest I really don't care. Like at all." You watched with a sick satisfaction as he did a double take, obviously not expecting that out of you. However, when it did register he gripped the desk in the same way that Belphegor had gripped your neck. You briefly worried for your own safety, wondered if this would be where you die. But then that same line of thought from earlier came back, would Lucifer eventually fall into despair when he realizes what he'd done to you? Would his brothers hate him for it? Lucifer exploded, shouting and ranting about just how big of a mistake it was to bring you here, how had he known that this was your true nature he never would’ve allowed you to come into the Devildom, in fact he never would’ve allowed something like you to defile someone like Lilith’s bloodline.

You wanted to cry. All of the bravery and oomph that you had earlier had long since shriveled up and died. You regretted ever opening up your mouth. You should’ve just sat there silent and listened to what Lucifer had to say. Now you were questioning if he really was right. Maybe if you had been nicer to Lilith, been more welcoming, been more like her instead of a cheap imitation. Maybe then you would’ve been loved. Maybe then you wouldn’t hear Lucifer tearing into insecurities you had confided in him about. You hated having your trust thrown back in your face like that. And… you snapped

“LUCIFER JUST SHUT UP!” The power of the pact flowed through the air uncontained ripping into your bond with him and choking it. His mouth instantly snapped shut. He slammed his fist down on the table starling you. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes dangerously promising to overflow. Before you could turn tail and run away a sob escaped your mouth. You quickly covered your face, desperately kneading at your eyes with your fingertips wishing that you could’ve just walked away with your head held up high. Instead you were breaking down in the office of one of the people who you never wanted to seem weak around. You swiped at you face over and over again trying and failing to calm yourself down. When you felt a hand connect with your shoulder you paused for a few seconds before immediately dashing out of Lucifer’s office and to your room.

You crashed through your door, slamming it shut and locking it. You tripped over nothing and ending up colliding with the edge of your bed. Clawing at the sheets you muffled your sobs into the sheets, biting into them. Because of your tugging the blankets ended up falling off the bed, burying you under them. A frustrated scream clawed it’s way up and out of your throat lingering in the air of your room. You ended up crying yourself to sleep just like that, hiding under the covers wishing that Lucifer would just let everything go for today.

You were in your room, sitting in front of your vanity, head resting on the wooden desk of it. Looking up into one of the mirrors that make up the entirety of the walls of your room you’re met with your reflection. It doesn’t look right, when you open your mouth the inside is just slightly too dark, your features just the tiniest bit more stretched out than usual, light shadows dance under your gaunt cheeks. Then it speaks, “What do you wish for?”

Your head and arms are glued in place, you can’t move, your legs thrash from their place under the vanity, your mouth is almost sewn shut. You shivered the cold hands of your reflection reaching from within the mirror to touch your face. You had never been so uncomfortable with your own reflection.

“I’ll ask you again, what do you wish for?” You pulled away again, this time you flew back, the wooden floor shattering like glass splintering into your back. As you feel further and further your reflection burst into a shadowy mist rushing towards you.

You awoke with a start in the middle of the night at some unholy hour. You couldn’t be bothered to crawl out from your place under the covers to check the time instead opting to just lay there. Your heaving breaths being the only sound within the room. You’re uncomfortably hot underneath your covers but also covered in a cold sweat. Leviathan banged on the wall you two shared shouting something about Ruri-chan and you interrupting his and Lilith’s together time. You contemplated yelling back before remembering earlier that night. Maybe you could be nicer, maybe you could be better. If that happened maybe they would live you again, maybe you could go back to being their younger sibling. Maybe then…

Your first mistake was ever thinking things could go back to the way they were before.

You smiled happy to be of help to the friends who were separating today. Their cheerful giggles and cries of happiness as they raved over being able to leave on a snowy day just like the one from when they had met made your insides bubble with warmth and nostalgia. Z, Renata and you had been the same once..... before, before Herzog had...

You shake your head, now isn't the time for this. You wring your wrists, it's a habit you picked up from Z, though you two do it for different reasons. You feel a bit light headed, your knees are weak, it's so weird to see snow and not see your beloved friends among it. It just felt wrong to not feel their warmth around you in this cold tempature. The others giggling is getting too loud, it's beggining to ring in your ears and bounce around in your head at the same time as the memories of Renata and Z pour out of your head and spill in front of your eyes. You stiffly walk over to Claudia, left foot, left hand, right foot, right hand. Back and forth back and forth. You want to leave, but it’d feel wrong just going without checking with her.

“We met and departed on a snowy day.” She sounds so happy and while you’re glad that you were able to help them you also can’t help but feel cloying jealousy at the fact that this trio, Claudia, Susu and Leah get to be together, to meet and depart on snowy days filled with joy, while you can’t. You want to be able to see Z and Renata, you want to be able to tease them while jumping for joy and promising to stay in contact. You want to be able to send them off with a smile on your face and a promise to be well.

But you can’t.

And that’s it.

There’s no going back and searching, there’s no making up after an argument, there’s just nothing. Renata is dead Z is dead everyone is dead! And you can’t do anything about it.

Staggering away you start walking towards one of the benches in the courtyard that face the library. To say that you collapse on it would be an understatement. It’s like all the bones in your body liquified then disappeared at that moment. You clench at the snow on the bench, using the all too familiar feeling of it to guide you through your memories. The day you arrived at the orphanage, the first time you met Renata, Z and you arguing over who would get to hold which of Renata’s hands, the day Vera had arrived, so small and only a year old. You remembered her small finger curling around your own while Z helped you readjust how you held her.

Just Renata, Z and you.

But now it’s just you. You clench at your throat, clawing at it as if that’ll destroy the lump forming in it. You bring your knees up to meet with your chest. Burying your head in your arms. It hurts, you want to see them. At this point you’d even take Anton and Khorkina’s belittling of you or even Ivan and Sherkman failing horribly to hide the fact that they were dating over anything else that could possibly occur right now.

Rubbing your face on your knees you try to get rid of the few silent tears that have begun to spill. It doesn’t work, in fact it just makes everything so, so much worse. Memories of your childhood fly by, you’re loosing your grip on reality you know that. You don’t want to do it here. Not on a bench where anyone can see, if you’re completely honest you don’t want to confront them at all. But that isn’t an option, it’s never going to be an option for you, because you’re trying so hard to push them down and stamp them out right now. And it’s not working.

One of the wandering vending machines come up to you, clawed arm holding something in it. You can't see it at all, your line of sight only contains your legs after all, but you can hear the distinctive beeps of the machine, the whirring of its mechanical organs that allow it to move. You can feel the jagged edges of a wrapper lightly scratching at your leg through your uniform. The robot beeps twice shoving the snack into your leg once again before dropping it and skittering off. Lifting your head up you stared down at the snack you had been left with. Maybe the world really does hate you. Maybe you deserve to constantly have your mind ripped at and heart torn apart, because laying there in front of you is a cookie a chocolate chip one at that. The second your eyes land on the bubbly font that spells out chocolate you cant help but watch in horror as Vera falls in front of you, mere feet away, body still warm as she hits the snow, dead. You feel the bile rise in your throat, it isn't something that you can just swallow down either. Hand clapped over your mouth you stand, getting ready to run.

-----------------------------

You have no idea how you've made it back to your dorm room without puking on the way here, but now you're sitting over your toilet dry heaving into it. You stare down at the item that made you like this the choco- you spit into the toilet. Cookie, you'll just refer to it as a cookie. You consider tearing off the top half of the wrapper but then the smell of the cookie and the chocolate might just tip you over the edge. Instead you settle for smacking it away from you. In some small way it makes you feel better.

You hate that Herzog has ruined this for you. You hate that you can’t even see the word chocolate without feeling your insides churn, you hate that you can’t see snow without seeing your friends bloodied corpses staring back at you, eyes glassy and unfocused. Cookies were the first dessert that you had ever tasted and the last one. You remember the day you had first tried to bake them.

That day Z had let you in his room, Renata was sick, and neither of you were allowed to be around her as per Herzogs orders. With the knowledge that you have now you think you understand why you weren’t allowed to see her back then. Rather than actually being ill Renata was probably suffering from the side effects of the incomplete evolution pills. But either way natural disease or not it had been just you and Z. Sitting side by side on his bed, you laying with your torso hanging off his bed partially, practically upside down, and him crisscross leaned up against the wall that his bed bordered, a hand close enough to your leg to catch you if you started to slip. You two had been mindlessly talking, reading some book that you’ve forgotten the name of now, alternating turns each chapter. When you had gotten to a part where the main character was making cookies for their friend as a get well gift.

“Hey Z, have you ever had a cookie? I mean I’ve heard of them but I’ve never even seen one.”

“I can’t say that I have,” he yawned, “I’m not a big fan of sugar in general. That combined with the fact that the orphanage doesn’t even get the ingredients for them makes it obvious that I’d never even have the chance to try them, same as you.”

“That’s too bad, based on the description I think they’d be pretty good. You think Renata has ever had one?”

“I’m not her, I wouldn’t know.”

“I mean fair enough, but I kinda expected that you would, you guys spend forever having those late night talks after you send me to bed.”

You haul yourself up and spin on your ass so that you’re looking him in the eye, “Speaking of~, I won’t allow you to marry my daughter young man!” You cross your arms in an ‘X’ in front of you shaking your head. “Absolutely not don’t think I’ll allow anything of the sort!!”

Snorting he had pushed on your forehead with his finger until you were laying down the same as before and used his foot to roll you away from him. “2/10, If you’re going to give me a shovel talk then you should at least be intimidating, 1, and 2 you should do it in front of Renata so that you can embarrass her, who just gives that kinda talk straight to the supposed,” he raised his hands and gave out finger quotations “boyfriend?”

“Is that back talk I hear sonny? Don’t make me get up there!”

”Yeah because you haven’t already.” You can’t see him from your position but you can hear the smile on his voice. An accomplishment if you’ve ever seen one! You mean the stoic eternally tired Z was snorting and smiling because of what you said! You always loved times like this, when you would manage to break through his exterior and draw out a reaction, (preferably positive!!), out of him. Tapping his knee you grip onto his leg to pull yourself up once more, you can see him contemplating rolling you off the bed, thankfully he chooses peace for once.

”No okay but dead seriously, let’s go make cookies for Renata. We just got the shipments a little while ago, there’s got to be some of the stuff we need in there! We’ll just ask Herzog,”

“Or steal”

“Yes, or steal, come on it’ll be great!”

“Normally Renata would be here to stop you, which I am always grateful for since it means that I don’t have to be the one to talk you out of these things,”

You snap your fingers, “Speed it up Z, do I have a partner or am I gonna have to start running before you catch me?”

He claps a hand over your mouth which you look down at “Don’t you dare lick me,” is what he says in response to your stares. “As I was saying before someone cut me off,” if gives you a pointed stare, “Normally Renata would be here to be the voice of reason, however since she’s ‘sick’ and I don’t want to have her on my neck about you getting in trouble later here are my words of caution,” He takes his hand off your mouth and pats slaps your cheek twice before bringing the tips of his fingers in between the book page that you had been on and the next, folding it over and closing it. “Don’t, and if you do don’t get caught.”

It was your turn to snort, “What the heck, you suggested stealing in the first place!” You laughed. He shrugged his shoulders and set the book down on his bedside table getting up off the bed and bringing his arms above his head to stretch.

”I never said that we weren’t going to steal if that’s what you decide to do I simply offered you a word of advice about you stealing alone.

”AWWWW Z I knew there was a reason I put up with you!” You cried jumping up off the bed and attempting to latch onto his back,

He turned to face you swatting your hands away, muttering about you being “too big for him to carry like that anymore”

“What was that!?”

He pinched your cheek with one hand and used the other to ruffle your hair in a way that you knew wasn’t meant to be affectionate but instead to mess it up. “Look at how big the babies gotten! It can walk and talk now! Go ahead say ‘papa’ again!” You knew that you could never win against Z in a fight, all attempts left you on the floor with him sitting on you, or you hiding behind Renata and you exercising your lying and puppy dog eyes abilities. But boy oh boy did Z have a way of activating your Cain instinct and making you want to slap the shit out of him (affectionately of course). You heaved out a long suffering groan, and pulled Z’s hands off of you. You walked over to where his dresser was and sucked your teeth as you stared at your reflection. You tried your best to undo his damage to your hair, but it was a lost cause, hanging your head you turned to him with what you hoped was a horrifying, knee shaking, earth quaking, chicken baking, glare.

“This is why you’re an orphan.”

“Fair enough.” He said with a shrug before motioning towards the door, are we leaving now or what.”

“I’m coming, we’re going.” You said waving your hand at him in a shooing motion.

The minute you stepped outside it had been like you were ass blasted into one of the shipment containers mega freezers. You rubbed at your arms, lamenting the fact that you lived on a hunk of ice in the middle of a polar bears ass cheeks. “Okaaay so,” you clapped your hands together, “Do we know where Herzog is?” Z yawned and shook his head no from beside you. “Alright thank you for your participation! Gold star! I’ll go ask Anton, you stay here. And don’t fall asleep!” You ran off to go find Anton ignoring Z’s comment about you acting like a stray dog.

Heaving you clutched at the toilet, sobbing over the loss of your friends. You couldn’t even think of the times back then as being over, you just can’t.

No, that’s not right, you know they’re over, you know those peaceful days of snow and teasing are over. And yet you still long for them, you want to feel Z’s hands in your hair once more, want to feel the thrill of catching him off guard and running to hide behind Renata. You want back the times that you had spent, absorbed in watching Vera as she took her first steps, your young self amazed that anyone could ever be so small. You miss those moments when you seriously contemplated smashing Antons face into the ice under your feet, missed the random times when Ivan would pull you away to look at something cool that he had found. You just missed being homeyou miss the safe feeling that you had been provided with daily back then. Ignorance truly is bliss you suppose. If you had survived not knowing about what Herzog had done, if you survived thinking that all of this was just some randoms attack on you and your family would you have been happier? It doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done.

You dry heave and spit into the toilet, bile rising in your throat but not to the point in which it would spill past your lips. Your vision is blurry from the tears and your head throbs with the pain of the pressure your tears are both building up and releasing. “I wanna go home…” you mumble slowly laying yourself down on the floor, hands clutched into your hair, fingers threading themselves in with the strands and pulling at them like a tide. You would yank at your hair then let it all fall out of your grip, massaging your scalp slightly, and then yanking at it again. You continued in this way as the blurry memory of that day played in front of you. Anton being no help, Khorkina doing her best to goad you into punching her, Ivan being somewhere that you swear was unreasonably high up. Eventually finding Herzog and asking him, him granting you permission as long as you cleaned up after yourselves, running back to Z with the good news.

“Z! Z! Listen to this!” He looked up at you from his spot on the stairs, clearly bored out of his mind, but hey at least he hadn’t fallen asleep like you asked!

He made a twirling motion with his hand “What is it?”

You placed your hands on your hips and grinned, “Herzog says we can use the stuff in the kitchen as long as we clean up afterwards!” You gave an overzealous thumbs up afterwards to make your point even clearer.

“That’s great!” He said all too sarcastically. Getting up he put both hands on your shoulders resting all of his weight on them before finally standing up straight shushing you and your whining.

It hurry you so much to know that everyone is gone. It hurts to know that you’ll never get that chance to just see them again, to hear their voices, catch a glimpse of them on the street. Instead they’re all dead and there’s nothing that you can do about it. You had watched everyone die, you had seen their eyes glaze over and go out of focus. You had seen how their blood stained the pure white snow a bright and somber red. You had run past them as you registered them as dead, praying to nothing but everything at the same time that at least one of them would live. That you would get to hold at least one of them in your arms as you two promised to stay with each other. But you didn’t get that. Instead you got to watch as Renata faded into the distance, your last hope, you got to claw through icy waters, pleading your legs to move, to allow you to save your dearest friend….

”Z, Z, Z! Help me I have no idea why the egg keeps cracking like that!”

“Maybe it’s cracking like that because you keep squeezing them until they explode.”

“Don’t use that tone of voice with me young man! I’ll have you know that Dr.Herzog says that I’ve made great progress in my home economics studies.” You proudly bumped your chest with your fist only to look down and see your uniform covered in egg goop. Z snickered before handing you a rag and motioning for you to hand him the bowl and the eggs. You slid it over to him with your elbow and focused on cleaning your hands and uniform up.

”Here,” he held up one of the eggs,”I’ll show you how to crack an egg, so that you don't end up wasting all of them.” He hit it lightly on the edge of the bowl, holding both ends of the egg with his fingers and pulling his palm so that the egg slowly slipped out of the shell before proceeding to throw the shell somewhere off to the side of him. He pushed the bowl back towards you with a smug look on his face. "You get it now?"

"Yep, yep, yep," you waved your hand at him dismissively before turning back to the book. "Okay so now we mix wet ingredients and dry, then we add in the chocolate." Getting the chocolate for the recipe had been the hardest part. With how rare chocolate is at the orphanage and the fact that you weren't allowed into your room because of how sick Renata was it had been hard to find any. Eventually after bribing Z and way too much effort on your part, you had ended up on Z's shoulders searching through the backs of the older and dustier cabinets, in one of which you had found a chocolate bar that was a week off from its expiration date. Not the best but it could've been 10 times worse you suppose. Z pushed the chocolate towards you with this hand before resting his head on his hand.

"So how much longer do we have? It's getting late." Z stifled a yawn.

You glanced at the book and back down at the cookie batter that you were currently scooping out and onto the baking sheet. They didn't hold their shape as well as the book described them as being able to but you supposed that it was just a matter of reality vs. idealized fiction. "Um I don't know. The book says that they need 25 minutes to bake properly and who knows how long its going to take to clean this all up."

"Well good luck with that." He said slapping his hand down on the table, turning around on his stool, and standing up.

Even if it was just the memory of the sound, the slapping of Z's hand on the table sent a wave of nausea scorching through your body. Everything was a blur, reality, what you were really seeing, cold white tile and the rug in front of the shower were blending together with the cold white of snow, the rug that was in you and Renata's cabin. You felt hands on your face, were they from the memory of Renata checking your temperature or were they your own? Your vision was swimming, you were underwater, you were lying on the bathroom floor. You were drowning, you're lying on the bathroom floor. You're dying, you can't see.

You clamored up in a haze, you have to run! You have to get to Renata and Vera and Anton and and and and! And you slam into a desk that was out in the middle of Hezog's lab. Z is right there, Renata is right there, Vera is right there! All you need to do is reach out a little further and you'll be there! You'll be able to save them! You finally latch onto Z's uniform begging him not to go, begging him to stay with you, because if you go alone then everyone will die. "PLEASE Z!" You yell out. "I need you, I need you, I need you, everyone's dying, dead, dying dead, dying, dead, I can't save them! PLEASE!" And then the Z you're holding onto collapses, leaving nothing but a pile of clothes behind. His uniform lies bloodied in your hands. Renata lies bloodied in your hands. Anton lies just out of reach, dead. "Come back, please." You clutch onto Z's uniform harder. The tears don't falter as you trace your hands along the sleeves of the uniform. "The sleeves are too short you should get Herzog to make you a new one." You chuckle fondly. only...

Only...

Only the uniform has too many mistakes for it to have ever been Z's, theres too big a difference in size. It doesn't smell the same. It's not his... it's yours. You're not at the orphanage, you're in your dorm at Cassel. You're sitting on hardwood floors right now, not the powdery snowfall of home. Its warm, not cold, theres no dead bodies, only you and the mess that you made when you stormed through here earlier. You choke on a sob, tears coming down in even thicker streams, your headache had bloomed into a splendid migraine. You can barely see straight, but you know for sure that this isn't anywhere near, by or in the orphanage. And it can never be. The orphanage is gone now. Everyone's bodies are probably still lying on top of the snow, glassy eyes unfocused and unseeing, faces twisted in fear. Or maybe they've been charred to ashes, with nothing left to remember them by, their remains carried by the winds or at the bottom of the sea. You clutch your uniform tighter, biting down on it to muffle your screams and sobbing.

"Phos! Come on I wanna go back before the sun sets!" Glancing around I cup my hands around my mouth yelling out "Phos" again. My voice is starting to get whiny, I know that, it's a habit I've picked up from Phos that I'm not really interested breaking.

Huffing I rest my hands on my hips, scanning the area for them. I'm up on the top floor of the school, near the flower beds that Phos and I take care of. I had chased them up here only a few minuets ago so the knowledge of how I've lost them is unknown to me. Sucking in a large breath I get ready to yell out their name again when I feel a hand clap over my mouth.

"Hey, hey, shush or else we'll get in trouble with the others" If I wasn't so familiar with that voice I would've jumped out of my body.

"And just where have you been?" I turn around in their arms to face them lightly pulling on their cheeks.

"I'm showwy, I'm showwy, please let me gwo~" Huffing I lightly, ever so gently, reach up with my gloved fingers and press at their forehead, once, twice, thrice.

"Guh, how could you! And after I did so much to find a good spot. You're horrible, the worst~" They step back pointing both of their fingers at me, a smug yet dead pan look on their face and whine in their voice.

Cocking my head I raise an eyebrow at them. I like to think that after spending 400 years together, as well as the knowledge from my previous life, I have a pretty good grasp on Phosphophyllite's behavior and personality but right now I'm totally confused. "Phos just what are you-"

"Well, well, well, my lovely Heca I'm glad you asked!" They firmly grasped my hand in theirs and started pulling me along.

"Hey Phos be careful if you break-"

"If you'd be so kind as to," They turn to face me and over exaggerated a shushing motion, "Then you'll find out soon." Humming they pulled me along towards one of the schools outdoor stairways.

"Dadadaduuun we are almost there! Be sure to watch your step kids!" Climbing up the wall of a rail on the side of the stairs Phos wobbled a bit. I reached out to steady them, placing a hand on their hip furthest from me and another on their calf closest.

"Please be careful. If you fall now I don't wanna get everyone to pick you up, it'll probably take till morning."

"I'm not gonna fall!" They wobble and I, with all my wisdom and glory, decide to get up on the rail behind them hoping that it will help me to steady them better.

"Oh yeah? Then what was that." Puffing out their cheeks they turn to look back at me with a pout.

"Shut up, silence, no more talking till we get there, then you can sing your praises to me. Besides, besides, besides wouldn't you save me if i fell? You wouldn't pick me up all by yourself?" They're whining again, I roll my eyes and lightly tap the space between their shoulder blades prompting them to move. Giggling, they continued to climb up and onto the roof?? Yeah I seriously have no idea what they're doing.

Climbing up I'm met with the sight of phos sitting in the space under where the bell is. They're not directly under the bell, thank god, knowing their track record they would shatter trying to get up or readjust themselves.

"So just what are we doing up here?"

"Obviously we're here to watch the moon rise. Feel free to shower the super cute me with praise~"

"Oh?" glancing up at the sky from my spot beside them, "It's kinda like stargazing then?" Then again I don't think I've seen a single star since I've come here so maybe not? I guess it would be the same thing as watching the sun rise? Even though I haven't done this before I feel a bit nostalgic. I do miss the starry sky though. Without the streetlights I bet it would be beautiful now.

"What's star gazing? I just said that we're here to watch the moon, jeez you don't listen to me at all." They pout turning away from me.

"Haha... I'm not too sure myself... I think I saw the term in a book that Lapis lent me a while ago." I scratch at my cheek nervously, and use the other to wave at them. "Think nothing of it."

"Aaaaaand?"

"And I'm really grateful that you brought me up here with you." Turning to face them, I smile. Phos has their chest slightly puffed out, face showing just how proud they are, smile decorating their features. I can't help myself from wanting to tease them. "I suppose even you have to have good ideas every once in a while."

"TALK ABOUT RUINING THE MOMENT!" Phos turns to me, their face holding a playful scowl. They make a pinching movement at me and I move my face closer so that they can have their fill of punishing me. "Hecatolite as your elder I'm very disappointed in you. If you apologize now I, the great cutie Phosphophlylite, may consider forgiving you." Releasing my cheeks they gave me an expectant look.

Chuckling I patted their head, a gesture Phos leans into. They really are cute. "Yes, yes, yes I'm ever so sorry dearest Phosphophyllite, cutest being in the universe, grand leader, you've truly outdone yourself in bringing the lowly me up here with you." We both stared at each other for a beat before bursting into fits of laughter.

"I suppose that I'll forgive you this time." They choke out in between giggles.

After calming down I place a hand over where my heart would've previously been. "No in all seriousness this is very cool, thank you so much for brining me up here with you."

"Hehe~ who else would I come with? Antarc is still asleep and so is Padparadscha."

"HAAH? does that mean that if they were awake you wouldn't brought me up here? And here I thought that you were my favorite."

Phos laughed a bit "Hey what the heck I still would've come up with you you know~, no need to feel lonely, you'll always be my favorite." They flopped into my lap ignoring my 'please be careful'

"Anyways shush now and just watch the moon."

Stroking their head I called out a "Riiight"

But i don't do anything. I want and I want and I want, but i can't. Whats the point of wanting if i can't do anything. Even now my emotions feel hollow like it's a show that I'm putting on for attention, but who is it a show for? Who, who, who, I'm actually upset so why do I feel like this, why does it all feel like a show, why, why, why, why, why!

A rustle, then a thud.

Paper work, the writing and minor reading practice that we're supposed to complete by the next class. It's sitting in front of me. I need to do it. Pick up the pen beside me and complete it now. If i don't it will never get done. But it feels like my arms weigh tons from where they rest I don't want to lift my head up off them, I can't. They weigh too much, it's like they're tied down with invisible weights. Drowning in the sea of my emotions, thrown away from the surface of the water by the storm of my regrets. Phosphophyllite looked over, patted my head, perhaps something they had seen Sensei do to Antarcticite. They looked at me expectantly. Maybe they thought this was some kind of cure-all. It wasn't that was for sure but, it did remind me that there were others near me. Phos directly to my left and Sensei having just walked though the doorway, most likely heading off to meditate.

"UGH" I threw my head back and pushed myself away from the table, resting my open hands on the edge allowing for better support to the two back legs of the chair I was sitting on. Phos started out me letting out a grunt of their own before trying to copy my position. You know when teachers told stories about kids falling back and cracking their skulls open from leaning back i always thought it was stupid. But now as I'm watching Phos lean back way too far I can understand exactly why they always went to the extreme to warn kids against sitting like that.

My legs were moving before i registered what i was doing or had a concrete chance to think about a plan. I fell to the ground right under Phos and lifted my arms up in the hopes that I could catch them instead of pad their fall. Unfortunately there were two things I hadn't accounted for. One, gems crack when they come into contact with something harder and, two I was harder than Phosphophyllite, my hardness was 6 theirs 3.5 even if i caught them now they would shatter. And that was exactly what happened.

I felt before I saw and I saw before I heard.

Phos or rather their arms were in my hands which had closed and tried to hold them up on instinct. Their arms had snapped off immediately in a visual that i can only describe as oddly gruesome for someone who doesn't have blood nor bones or guts it was still somehow scarily beautiful. The clink that accompanied the visual came milliseconds after but the pause in between felt stretched to a distorted amount. Like when you were writing with a pencil in grade school and realized that the words came before the noise of the writing itself. The look on their face as their head smashed into my lap was something I missed my mind laser focused on the arms that were now firmly in my grasp. Here I am with my friends? could i even call them a friend? Someone who I'm close with arms in my hands while their head plummeted into my lap.

I felt before I saw and I saw before I heard

There was extra weight on my lap instead of the usual smoothness that one would expect of a carved gem i was met with sharp, rough shards of Phos' head all of different sizes and shapes. The sound of the actual shattering came hours after. The silence, no loudness of it, it overloaded me. One of Phos' eyes rolled so that it was looking up at me having been freed from the socket when they crashed down into me. I stared at it, and stared and stared and stared it wouldn't look away, it wouldn't go away, it was there it was staring just the same as i was, I, I, I, I, I, I CAN'T, I CAN'T MOVE I CAN'T ASK FOR HELP. I WANT TO BUT I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!

A scream found its way up and through my throat, out into the echoing through the school, getting stuck in the walls clinging to the insides of my ears. The crack on my shoulder seemed to shudder readying itself to further spread across my shoulder when-

"What are you screaming for!" Antarcticite rushed into the room, their expression a controlled level of concern. Lifting my eyes to meet theirs I mumbled out "Phosphophyllite..." I was too scared to say anymore, I couldn't say anymore. My throat closing in and constricting on itself as I sat there with Phos' shattered head in my lap, death grip further damaging their arms. Antarcticite looked at Phos then back to me, "This is common for someone with such a low hardness, if you're worried instead of sitting around screaming waiting for help, be the help Phosphohyllite needs." They walked over step by step inch by inch, click, clack, click, clack. "Open your hands give me his arms." Shakily I raised my hands up towards where Antarcticite stood over us. My hands unwilling to let go until they unfurled my fingers from Phos' arms. "I'm going to take these to the infirmary, I'll come back with something to pick his head and body up with. Until the stay right here." Letting out a noise of approval I looked back down to Phos. Antarcticite walking away, step by step, inch by inch, click, clack, click, clack.

Is this how that person felt when they watched me die? I'm so so so so sorry to them if thats the case, which it most likely was. Then I had made them feel this. This, this ugly symphony of emotions that tore at the hear and berated the mind. Theres so, theres so, much pain accompanied by it. Phos wasn't even dead I knew that, I know that but it was still so scary, to see the person I've spent the most amount of time with sense all of this started, to see them crumble just because I touched them, just because they tried to copy me, because of me, it hurt. It stung, it burned, it seared, it bubbled out of my heart and up my throat, if gems were capable of eating at this very moment I would've thrown up everything i had ever eaten in a painfully disgusting mix of bile and emotion. I want to reach out to caress Phos' head, or rather whats left of it. But they would break then be ground into dust, just like all the gems that were taken to the moon. The moon, the moon, the moon, perhaps that was the best example of ignorance is bliss. Thinking back to the Manga panels, to the frames in the anime there were so many times that Phos ended up like this, no, there are going to be so many times in the future where Phos ends up like this. Shattered, broken to pieces, waiting for someone to stitch them back together, losing another part of themselves in the process. Quite literally. I never wanted to see, i never wanted to hear, I never wanted Phos to experience something like this again. And, if all went according to the story then they would experience this and so much worse so often in the future. I don't want that. I can't accept that. I know whats going to happen, I know how to stop Phos from losing themselves. I can save them!

But, is that really whats right? Is it really ok for me to stop Phos from finding everything out? To have them live a life filled with nothing but thinly veiled lies wrapped up in half truths and complacency? Had gems ever asked about Sensei before? If they did were they granted an answer? Who cares about any of that. Sitting here wondering what if, did this, how about, instead of that, instead of asking pointless questions that all revolve around morals I'll make a decision based on mine. I couldn't care less. I wont stop Phos from going down the path of finding the truth if thats what they choose but, I will stop them from destroying themselves and others in the process. If Phos wants to go off to the moon I'll let them, hell I might even go with them! But I wont force their hand, unless I think it would be a danger to their own mental state. At the very least thats fine right? Something like that, it's the least I can do. Isn't it?

Click, clack, click, clack. Antarcticite was back black duffel bag, (is that a duffel bag? it looks more like a body bag.) in hand. "Put these on," A pair of black gloves was handed to me. "And help me pick him up." Sliding the fabric through my fingers i carefully brought one glove up and onto the tips of my fingers, sliding them in i wondered if something this thin would really stop me from breaking Phos anymore then I already had. "Stop staring at your hands and get to work." Nodding I quickly slid the glove onto my right hand as well and looked down to Phos' head in my lap. Picking up a shard, I placed it into the bag right where Antarcticite told me to.

It took a while to gather all the shards and move into the infirmary where Sensei was waiting, salve and tools ready to go. The sun was just barely still visible over or rather under the horizon. Shifting in place for what had to be nearing if not already past the hundredth time I asked "Are they done yet?" I heard Antarcticite let out a grunt behind me before they walked over to Sensei speaking about returning winter records to the library or something of the sort. After nodding and patting Antarcticite's head Sensei turned to me and said

"Phosphophyllite is nearly done being repaired. Why don't you go fix up your room so that they do not break in the middle of the night while you wait?" Somehow it felt embarrassing to know that Sensei knew about Phos and I's rooms sharing, despite the fact that it wasn't necessarily privet or a secret of any kind. "Yeah ok, i guess." lifting my body with my hands I placed my feet on the ground and turned away from the work table ready to go and make my (our?) bed. I guess it would be convenient to have it already done instead of having to redo it every night. Just as I passed through the doorway I turned to look back at Sensei and Phos one more time before turning around and walking away.

That night Phos seemed particularly attached. It scares me if I'm going to be utterly honest it scared me. Just a few hours ago they were in pieces from me. Broken and as far as they knew never to wake up again. Curling further into myself i folded my legs in half, bringing them up so that my body formed a ninety degree angle my hands resting in between my thighs. The sheets that separate us were much thicker tonight, I had gone into Phosphophyllite's room and used their sheets as an extra layer of padding. Phos raised their hand up slowly watching me as I focused on it. How it slowly glided through the air, how they brought it down onto my side where the padding was just thick enough that it still provided a sense of reassurance that they wouldn't crumble away while also allowing me to feel the small pats that came after it laid there for a few seconds. "Don't worry Hecatolite. I won't break just from being around you." They shifted so that their eyes were on level with mine rather than the top of their head. "You heard what Sensei said earlier, as long as were careful and I don't come into direct forceful contact with you I wont break. So stop looking at me like that." A smile graced their features, pulling their mouth open in a wide show of their sincerity. "Ehe I sounded as grown up as Antarcticite just now didn't I? Go ahead tell me about how cool I sounded." A smile of my own tugged at my lips. I can't say that it was as wide or as bright as Phos' was in this moment but it was true.

"Yeah you were super cool just now Phos, totally grown up." Quirking one of their eyebrows they mumbled something under their breath before shifting their eyes down to the sheets their eyes flitted between me and the sheets for a few seconds their face getting more confused by the second. Lost I wondered just what they were so confused over I ran over my rather short sentence in my mind trying to find anything wrong with it. Just as I was about to ask Phos spoke up.

"My names Phosphophyllite not Phos. Whose Phos anyway?" Their face was pinched together while they looked at me the confusion on their face ten times funnier than it really should've been now. As much as I tried to hold it in I burst out laughing. Phos' face mixing into confusion, shock (or was it wonder? I really can't tell the difference) it only just made me laugh harder. Of course Phosphophyllite didn't know about their own nickname they hadn't received yet. Wait would I have to explain the concept of nicknames to them? Geez this is, this is a bit much. I'm surprised that my sides don't hurt from all the laughing I've done.

"Phos is short for Phosphophyllite. Phosphophyllite is a rather long and hard name to say huh? That's why I called you Phos, it's a nickname of sorts. Wait do you even know what a nickname is?" Phos' cheeks filled with air at that the pouty expression they so often wore in the early stages of their story showing up here in front of me. It was so cute if it wasn't for the differences in our hardness I would've reached out and pinched their cheeks.

"Of course I know what a nickname is! Antarcticite told us about them. Just how dumb do you think I am?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?' They brought their hand down on my side harder in a mock hit.

"Stoooop," A hit "taaalking" another hit "right.now.please." Each word marked by its own strike.

"Yes, yes, I wouldn't want you to break again from hitting me." I purposely drew out my yes' enjoying the way Phos' face contorted to further express their displeasure at my answer.

"I said stop talking, whatever, good night." They turned away from me the tips of the hills of their cheeks the only part I was still able to see of their face. Watching as they slowly deflated I returned Phos' earlier gesture and patted their side.

"Yeah goodnight Phos."

Who knows where we’re heading to, maybe, probably, the hibernation room, or were we going to where ever gems learn about things. Also isn’t kind of odd that as uncoordinated as Phos was, which could be attributed to their character I guess, that gems were born able to walk as well? Then again aren’t horses the same? Or was it giraffes? Who cares, pointless questions are pointless and I don’t have my phone nor have anyone I can ask about it, anyways being a new born gem is much different then being a new born human I suppose.

We went through the arching hallways one after the other twisting and turning longer and longer. The pillars quartz glowered down at me reminding me of my size and my place. It was as though they were telling me that I didn’t belong, the shade that they cast worked to darken my thoughts as though I was a child with out a nightlight to protect me from the dark. Like this I couldn’t help but to slip further and further into that inky darkness. The kind that made your heart race and amplified all the sounds around you by 10. It snaked its way into my mind, the thought that I wasn’t impacted by my death enough, here I was just walking along acting like everything was fine but in reality nothing is fine, rather nothing should be fine. I should be screaming, throwing a fit, anything that expresses just how much something like this should affect me but I’m fine?

Am I that heartless, or is it because I had resigned myself to death not only in the car crash but in the face of the lunarians from earlier too? I wish I had studied more psychology related things in the past. But now I, I just, I don’t know! Am I in a state of shock or am I just losing it? have I already lost it? Apathy was something that I knew well but, something like this feels wrong, is wrong. So why, just why, am I fine? Maybe this all really is a dream and that’s why I feel nothing? I can’t, I really just can’t deal with this right now. I don’t wanna think about anything anymore. How come right now is the moment my mind decides to kick into over drive instead of the many, many, times before when it would’ve been both needed and something I could understand. Right now thinking about this isn’t something I want to do, but I just can’t stop. Everything is running through my mind too many thoughts on too many subjects that I can’t handle, that I can’t make sense of. I need to get a grip, I need to stop. Right now ISN’T the time right now I need to walk forward, I’m not moving I need to catch up. What if they notice, what if I shatter for no real reason right now, what then? How do I answer for my actions, what are the consequences, what happens then, what happens then, whathappensthen...

Phosphophylitte is looking back, one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, they’re going to notice. One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, they’re walking over here, move, move, move, movemovemovemove. Sensei is looking back heknowsheknowsheknowsheknows, one foot just move one foot not even in front of the other just move! Stop looking, run, never look back. But where would I go? Supposedly if this really is the world of Houseki no Kuni, it is my subconscious unhelpfully supplies, I just don’t want to deal with it right now, so I’ll continue to both accept and deny that fact. This is supposed to be the only land mass left on earth and if that’s true then A) I’m screwed if I run, B) I’m screwed if I run and C) gems aren’t water resistant and there’s no boats so even if I high tailed it I’d get a few meters before I turned to snail food.

’clink’

The sound of Phos’ hand clasping my own dragged me into the shallow waters of my mind, the sound muted by my gloves sent all my thoughts into the wind like a breath would to dandelion seeds. I locked my eyes onto theirs and moved my body in an odd way shifting between leaning into their presence and away from the invasion of my space. Before I had a chance to say, or rather do anything, I was pulled along my feet moving one in front of the other, somehow a clumsier version of Phosphophyllite’s own.

Sensei watched at us as we caught back up to him. His eyes were harder to read then the lines in-between the text that literary teachers always seemed to find. It made me feel uncomfortable, like a display at a middle school science fair, or a new animal at a zoo, he watched too intently yet seemed to also not be watching. Looking, studying, but also ignoring and paying no mind to.

After a while he made a noise that sounded like a hum, emotions and thoughts buried deep in it like the secrets the distant stars held. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, was he studying me? Or was it simply just a noise of acknowledgment. Something that slipped out to show that he saw all that he needed to see? Often times in books and fanfics I would read the lines “he let out a non-committal hum” they became so ordinary to me that they no longer held any meaning. But now when faced with someone whose emotions didn’t play in the slightest on their face those words crashed into me like a tidal wave, making their meaning present and something that I fixated on. He turned face no longer in view and continued to walk.

Phos followed along their feet moving at a rhythm I couldn’t seem to find our intertwined hands the only thing that was keeping me in tune with them in any way.

We continued on walking in that awkward way, once I found my beat Phos would lose theirs and vise-versa. Eventually we passed by what had to be the hibernation chambers, I could see the soft white silk that had billowed in the air during the scenes where it was showed in the anime. I wondered if gems were able to feel the textures of certain things. Thinking about it while my vision and hearing had amplified and transformed into what I could only describe as incomprehensible, both my taste and touch had dulled quite a bit. I had no idea if it was even possible for gems to smell anything or if my nose hadn’t gone through any changes but it was nothing of note. Eventually our walk ended before the entrance to what I assumed to be the library. The sprawling wooden shelves that contained everything the gems knew of the world so far, was amazing. Despite the fact that it was about the same size as an underfunded middle schools there was still the profound feeling of knowledge and sovereignty that came from the room. I wonder if this is how people felt when they walked into those ancient libraries before they were lost to war and time.

Stepping through the threshold of the hallway and the library Sensei swept one of his sleeves in the direction of one of the wooden tables.