You constantly felt out of place in public spaces, or anywhere you had to interact with a number of people you weren’t used to, and if you were honest, you never would be.

You were never a great companion for birthdays, or for all those parties and celebrations that involve just enjoying yourself. And it's true, even if it sounds terribly pathetic.

And you discovered it back when you were riding your bike, racing against your older sister to see who could skip any family or outside event — only for both of you to end up being forced to go just for being family. You thought it was silly, but your mom always told you while tugging your arm with a firmness you’d doubt a chef could have, that 'bonds are the most important connection' so your only life plan at such a young age was to follow them.

Yeah, the truth is, both are that complicated.

As a kid, whenever you were invited to your cousins' or classmates' birthdays, you felt like they were doing it out of mere obligation, and you didn’t really feel like you were having fun enough to want to go to a party every time you were invited. And even though it’s likely that they actually weren’t inviting you out of courtesy, your brain and neurotransmitter activity made you think they were.

And that went on for a long time. Much of your college life was nothing more than long, stressful, tedious days, and even the annoying, constant thought of quitting the degree you were initially forced to choose because of your family, because you repeatedly felt like you couldn’t live with all the pressure that came with being part of such a big family legacy, especially not wanting to choose the same future as them.

It was tough. You had really earned by this point a master's degree in enduring all the blows that life claimed to give you since you could remember, and it was like that for a long time, getting used to the monotony that came with being depressed, or as Robby liked to call it whenever you got stressed, being 'isolated from your priorities' which you constantly neglected because of work and wanting a life outside of it, going on dates with any hookup you met at a bar, or just watching movies with Mel, or cooking for her and Samira when she came over to your run-down apartment to hang out.

And that was basically your routine: being tied to the job you had gotten used to, ignoring your family, being with Mel, visiting her sister whenever she wasn’t bored, and spending your quiet days with Samira.

It all came down to being with Samira. You liked doing all that, or well, you loved spending all your free time with her, trying all kinds of food at restaurants all over the city. On Saturdays, she would take care of going to the library near your apartment with you because your days were too ordinary not to spend with her, and always, every time you went to her big house in the suburbs, you would watch movies where she would fall asleep on your shoulder every time, and you couldn't help but put your arm around her neck to hold her close to you.

Every damn time.

And so it went on for a long time, where you couldn't wait for your shift to end because you were too excited to spend time with her without the work schedule tormenting your senses, and it was amazing. Until the outings and all the meetings started to drop off abruptly, which even surprised Langdon himself because he was already used to seeing them together at the exit while he stayed in the hood of his car smoking a cigarette shared with Robby every damn night.

You were surprised in the same way, and even though she didn’t deliberately ignore you to the point that you’d notice easily, everything reached a point where you only saw each other when you ran into each other in any situation that involved both of you, or when you said goodbye to her when she started staying a little later at the center and you felt terrible, because how is it possible that Samira had conditioned you like a pavlovian dog to the point that you felt incomplete without her. Neither the movies nor the sushi nights were the same without her, although the amazing roommate that Mel is made up for it with the nonsense she would say, and your laughter helped.

Although it could never be the same.

And it went on like that for about three months, you were starting to feel it worse than grief, but it is what it is and all the strange attitude Samira had towards you made you suspect that you had probably done something wrong that you still didn’t know about, or she had simply gotten tired of the monotony of your life. And that was the theory you put together in your mind and decided to believe so you wouldn’t fall into external delusions.

Until one saturday night, while you were having a drink with Frank listening to him talk about the only topic he cared about, which is Robby and how he felt they had a mystical connection beyond the usual. You were surprised, but you noticed Samira’s figure, and even though she was facing away, you recognized her at the bar taking a selfie next to the face you recognized as Dr. Abbot while he gave her a kiss on the cheek, waiting for her to finish capturing the moment. You managed to see from a few meters away the flash that lit up their faces until Langdon himself noticed and let out a small shout that could be heard over the music while waving at them and inviting them to come over to you two.

You wanted to die of embarrassment and horror, you pinched his side with all the strength you could muster and lowered your gaze to your beer, which had warmed from the way you were holding it, hoping the worst would happen, or at least that Samira would also feel the discomfort from meters away and decide to decline the offer from the idiot next to you, smiling like a damn golden retriever. You waited, waited, and got tired of waiting, but the seconds dragged on, and nothing happened except for Langdon's whine, until Dr. Abbot's voice reached your ears, apologizing for the interruption before sitting down across from Frank and Samira opposite you.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

You didn't want to lift your gaze, but you had to put all your mental strength into the situation even though you recognized it was difficult. At one point, you drowned your friendly sorrows in alcohol while listening to someone else drown their feelings for a man who probably doesn't feel anything for him. You were embarrassing just like the damn Langdon who greets colleagues as if he's never seen them before.

Fucking idiot.

"We're sorry for the interruption" he says as he sits and pulls out a chair for Mira. You notice that, and your brain makes the instant connection: you could be good friends with Langdon, but that doesn't mean you're as stupid as he is, so you quickly understand what's going on but choose not to say anything, unless your unconscious jumps in and spills everything you've been holding back. "I didn't know you'd be here," he laughs, awkwardly, before putting his arm behind the chair and rubbing her shoulder. You see Frank, who has stayed dumbfounded for a long while at the gesture, and you decide to speak before he can come out with the same stupid things that got you into this in the first place.

"Believe me, Dr. Abbot, you're not interrupting anything," you say while wiping the sweat off your bottle on your blue jeans. "We didn't even know you guys were coming here…"

"Please, just call me Jack!" he says, laughing, to which Frank joins in. "We're off the clock, and I prefer to be completely informal with Mira's friends, if I'm honest." You can't help but notice how he laughs again while pointing at you and Frank.

Mira…

You were the only one who called her that out of all the people you knew.

You don’t want to brag, but that was the damn nickname you gave her immediately, and you were the only one who called her that everywhere; you didn’t know if only Jack came up with it too or if he heard you say it, and Samira wasn’t bothered that he called her that too.

Damn straight propaganda. You were fed up at this point.

"Well… just Jack, I guess it’s a surprise for everyone then, so what brings you guys here?" you decide to ask to lighten the mood and the constant pounding of your heart that’s about to have a heart attack. "I didn’t know you were free today…"

"I told you," Frank argues as he interrupts you, and Jack in the same way "Robby is covering with a double shift tonight, that’s why he didn’t come with us"

"Oh, really?' you turn to him. 'I didn’t know."

"You should pay more attention, I told you before we got here, I had invited him and he said no, so I had to invite you," he says, and you study his face for a second to realize he’s serious. "It’s just that you never listen to me."

My God, how dare he!?

"Wow, I don’t even know how to respond to that"

You decide to ignore the topic, and when you turn around, you see Samira on her phone, completely disconnected from the situation, so you come up with a way to guide her toward an answer that will probably go straight for your jugular. But that's just how you are, and habits are hard to forget, so you're used to girls being platonic or not, hitting your heart a thousand times.

"And you guys… what brings you here?" you ask, squinting at both of them, even though you already knew what was going on.

"Well," Jack laughs and swallows before looking at her, "My girl wanted to go out for a bit because she was feeling a little down, and I would never say no to her."

"Oh shit! Your… your girl, you say wow…" you laugh as you watch Langdon start using his phone to avoid the awkwardness. "I… well, I really didn’t know you guys were a thing or that, well, you were going so, so fast. I mean…" you look at her, "I didn’t even know it was real. And how long has this been going on?" You make a circle with your hands. "Because all Mira has done all this time is be busy and have some mystery on her hands. I thought she was selling pills… just like Langdon." You laugh, and he elbows you in the side.

"Seriously, you didn't know?" Jack wondered, taking off his glasses for a second to clean them. "I thought by now you would know. Well, Robby always told me they were together all the time! Just like peas in a pod."

"Yeah, that's how it was supposed to be," you nod with deep discomfort, until Samira herself decides to speak up and interrupts you before you can say something that might get her in trouble.

"And you guys? What are you doing here alone? I didn’t know you and Langdon were… whatever this is," she said in a rough tone, looking you in the eyes, probably challenging you to respond.

What the hell, sure.

You wanted to laugh or, well, if you were honest with yourself, the universe had decided to give you a beating that not even Adonis Creed himself could withstand in the damn ring; so your only viable option, where you saw that you could end up looking like a champion, was to cry out of anguish, because what kind of question was that? Samira knew perfectly well that your relationship with Langdon had been purely platonic since you met and became friends in no time, besides, you had told her a while ago about your clear preference for women, so that comment felt more like a very unnecessary attack. You were bewildered, and you weren't the only one, but neither Jack nor Frank dared to say anything that could make things worse. You noticed that none of them had drinks anymore besides hers, but you didn’t want to call over any waiter to the table because you were sure your face showed the discomfort you felt.

"I think everyone here knows that I don't date married men," you state, finishing the ruin of what’s left of your night. "Or well, men in general, but that’s not something everyone needs to worry about."

"I’m not married anymore," Langdon says, before looking down again. "Just to clarify, divorced life isn’t as bad as you’d expect, obviously."

"Yeah, I’d heard something about that," Jack says, nodding before continuing as if nothing happened.

The seconds pass and a deadly silence falls, and so you call the waiter to get yourself another useless beer to avoid acting like a complete idiot and leaving while it's raining outside, although if you think about it, it's dramatic enough to make your point; but you prefer to leave it like that, just as everyone else is also ordering one. Frank starts talking with Jack about work stuff that neither you nor Samira are really interested in knowing, so your farm game on your phone starts to get more interesting than usual. You're feeding your little cows when you get a message from Samira, so you lift your gaze to her and see her pointing at your device. You pause your animals for a second and open the only chat you had archived.

The cute nickname she had months ago had been replaced just with her first and last name and a damn period at the end, nothing more, nothing less, just as rough as the other hospital coworkers you had added, except for Langdon, who had a personal nickname you had come up with after his treatment even though he still didn’t know it. You go into the small message box and read the first one, and even though you try not to show any emotion, you know that anything she does or says affects you in weird ways that sometimes even scare you to admit to yourself.

SAMIRA MOHAN: "damn… I'm sorry about just now" "I'm a fucking idiot" "I really am lol" "I don't know what went through my head saying such things"

YOU: "Loooolll it's good that you're aware" "I won't lie, you hurt my feelings :/" "And now you have a boyfriend, what a joke, are we in the era of Samira the liar?"

SAMIRA MOHAN: "GOD NO, DON'T THINK THAT SERIOUSLY I'M SO SORRY :(((" "I'M A FUCKING IDIOT IK" "btw I didn't want you to find out that way either :(" "I didn't know how to tell you and I think I totally panicked and I know that doesn't justify anything, my actions towards you mostly, but I didn't want anyone to know. I'm so embarrassed"

YOU: "Yeah, well…" "I thought it was more important than any idiot like Whitaker or Ogilvie" "I don't know what to tell you besides that you hurt all my feelings and our trust."

SAMIRA MOHAN: "I need you to know that that was never my intention"

YOU: "Aren't we still the best friends I thought we were?"

At that moment, she lifts her eyes from her phone and looks at you intently for a few seconds that seem longer than they really are, and for a moment you feel your teeth vibrate in your mouth from nerves. Everything happens in slow motion until Jack takes her hand, which isn’t holding anything, and places it on his knee, not without first giving it a loud kiss and smiling in her direction. Even though she keeps looking at you after reading your last message, you decide to let it be and just carry on as if that interaction of no more than 7 seconds is bothering you.

Even though you just can't tell your mind not to overthink it, because that was always the dynamic between Samira and you, platonic to the core in every way since you met and had that magical click that bonded you until what you considered a worse separation than with any of the girls you've been with and that's saying a lot because you were known to fall hard, really hard. So much so that you weren't allowed to think about Carmine, the girl from a year ago with whom you planned to move in after knowing each other for just three short months. It bothers you that you're so damn bold when it comes to being with someone, and even though you can be foolish for being so impulsive, those were extremely wild times, you admit.

There comes a moment at night where Langdon and Jack go to play pool over a simple bet of about 35 dollars, and the next round of drinks is on the loser, so you and her are left alone with the dim light, the yellow bulbs as company.

"I'm a damn idiot," she says, as she brings her hands to the table and looks you in the eyes, maybe looking for a reaction, but that's the last thing you want to give her. She deserves the damn silent treatment, though you're soft-hearted and at some point, you'd fall back into her arms and the charm that surrounds Samira's soul. "And I really am sorry for being so bad at not telling you anything, I didn't want to make you go through some kind of silent treatment, but… I panicked! And I didn't want you to know about Jack. Well, I mean I did want you to, but at least not like that!" she exclaims quickly.

You didn’t want to answer him, at least not right now; but you were in a public place, and if you didn’t, you’d be a total brat, plus you had like 5 messages in the last minute from Frank saying you should fix the awkward vibe. Does he think you can solve everything with a magic wand? Idiot.

And you weren’t going to deny it either, you missed her more than you missed Britney Spears when she took a hiatus. And that says a lot. So you took a metaphorical deep breath and decided to jump into the damn lion’s mouth; either way, you were going to do it sooner or later.

"Yeah, sure… I get it," you say, forcing a smile that you can even feel is fake and rough, but again, you can’t help it.

Samira shakes her head several times and gives you a disbelieving look that screams at you how much of a liar you are. "Don't do that… Not to me, don't lie to me."

It made no sense to deny it, to hell with keeping scruples, you were on the edge of your decline into madness. "Just like you lied to me? You see that's not good… It’s been months, Samira, and you didn’t even bother to tell me you’ve been dating that damn Abbot. Are you crazy? How could you think to hide something like that?" She froze for a few seconds while you stammered everything you had to say to her.

"I have no justification whatsoever, and I know it, I was a complete idiot for hiding it, but everything happened so fast and suddenly Jack wouldn’t stop…" She breathes in short bursts and continues, "And well… we had a few dates and it just happened, it wasn’t something I did on purpose."

"What about Jack? Does he also get turned on by playing hide and seek?" You’re a damn cynic, that’s what you are, but you want to attack her straight at the jugular and being direct about what you feel is your way of doing it.

"No, no, no, of course not," she exclaims and swallows, she’s nervous, you notice, but you think about not telling her that you know that, you don’t want to seem crazier than you already are because of the situation. "He wanted me to tell you, he realized we’d been distant for a while and figured out it was because of all this," she makes a gesture with her hands. "And he told me to tell you, although he didn’t want everyone on PTMC to know, only Robby knows… and well, now you guys."

You slam your fist on the table harder than you wanted to. "Robby?! Damn idiot, he never told me…"

She turns her face, understanding, "I begged him not to do it."

"You still don't have a justification." You narrow your eyes and turn to Langdon, who is on a call while Jack waits for his turn. "You were an idiot and a really, really bad friend, and that's what bothered me. I just don't know why you did it. I don't want you to hide things from me because you think I’ll get upset. I would never do that to you. Look, probably with Frank, yes, but with you, I would never even think about it."

She nods and looks at her feet for a second. "It wasn’t because of you! I believe you, and you’re completely right, and my last wish is for us to be upset or to disappoint you… I would never do that consciously, and I hope you know that. I think I was just scared it would become more real… that’s all."

"You broke the code, that’s it," you smile trying to break the ice, and she laughs, and you look at her, so you can’t help but laugh too.

"Shut up! I feel like a total garbage bag."

"You’re not, there are worse people," you say, looking her straight in the eyes.

"Does he treat you well?"

She smiles and nods, you can see it in her eyes, she’s in love. "He’s a damn knight in shining armor."

"He’d better watch out, or he’ll be dealing with the worst rat in the hospital… that is, me."

She smiles at you and puts her phone on the table. "It’s good to hear that from you… so, are we good?"

You grin from ear to ear like the damn Cheshire Cat, trying to cover your mouth with your phone before nodding and watching her come over to give you a hug. "Of course!"

"God, thank you! I couldn’t handle another week without you."

In one way or another, all roads led you back into Samira’s clutches.